Episode #19: Why It's Important to Find Kindness for the Younger You

 These posts were written beginning in the fall of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them" :)

In this episode, Jason's father had started to do his own work which then allowed Jason to feel he could look into his own story. Guest speaker, Jason, moved across the country as a young, married parent, and when he did, he found himself in a deep depression. It was his parents and wife that sat down with him and said, "Something is going on. And you can't live this way."

No one sat me down, but my body fell into such a horrible pit that I had no choice but to reach up and say, "Someone please help me!"

This is what I want everyone to know: 

If you are battling depression, there is a reason WHY. There is always a reason WHY. You don't just have depression for the heck of it. It is a signal that something needs to be looked at.

Have you ever sat with people who were willing to look into the face of their pain? Jason did that. His body was telling him there was something BIG inside of him, even though he had no idea that there was even a story to discuss. 

He went into his first session saying, "Okay. I'm here. Let's get this thing fixed TODAY!" But at his meeting, his father was actually there. His father was a leader in this church group and had been doing his own work looking into his past stories. And as he started sharing with his father, and his father said, "I don't remember this, but I believe you," the walls began to come down. 

Jason had gotten to a point that he knew if he didn't SPEAK, none of this would go away. Jason's story parallels my own a lot. The body saying, "You need to talk directly to the people in your life that love you about this," is the beginning.

Many people don't get that response from their parents. But Jason and his Dad began to let walls come down that were so intense for him. In Jason's case, as in mine, it was intense depression that forced his hand. I am not sure I would have ever had the courage to look into my pain if the depression had not forced its way out of me. 

So what if you want to look into your story (and by "story" I mean your "past), but you know your parents can't and won't be able to look into this with you? 

Jason told his group leader after his first 9 week session that he felt more screwed up then that he did when he started. I want everyone to know this! You will feel more screwed up when you start working on this! I wanted so badly to put the emotional sludge back into the box. But I couldn't. It was out! I didn't want to feel this way anymore. 

His leader said, "It sounds like you came to this group with the ground so hard and now there is a crack there in the ground!" 

Yes! That's what it feels like. 

But even if your parent or friend or person who hurt you can't listen, the act of actually speaking it out and have someone bear witness to it, is so healing! You've probably done a ton of work to pretend you don't have this pain. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. 

Once we are grown-ups, we have to start working on having a lot of compassion on the younger version of ourselves. We have to look at them kindly. 

Let me give you an example from my own life so that this makes more sense. About five years ago, I started having arguments with my husband that were on a level I had never experienced before. He and I fought, but rarely, and not usually very intensely. But suddenly we are having these really BIG arguments. 

As my boys became teenagers, the arguments seemed to show up in conversations with them as well. What was this in me?

I realized that the arguments always have to do with me feeling stupid. Always. That's why as my boys were becoming men and they were starting to question me as a mother and a person, the anger was coming out at THEM. They think I am dumb! They think I don't know what I am talking about! Why are they treating me like this? 

For years this argument went on with John and then, as the boys got older, I started seeing it emerging with my boys as well. And I didn't understand it. 

It wasn't until I got into therapy due to the terrible depression and anxiety, that I started seeing those arguments in a different light. I learned about intrinsic memories. Something was causing my body to respond this way? What was it? 

Do you know I still am not sure what causes me to feel that way? I don't feel my parents ever looked at me as if I was stupid. I don't think my teachers did. And in fact, in college, I was the scholar athlete my senior year for my University. Why, deep inside, did I feel stupid? Where does this come from? 

I actually don't know. But now, when that feeling comes up, I try to look at it with curiosity. Instead of not knowing where the feeling of complete rage I am feeling is coming from, I try to look at myself with compassion and curiosity. What is causing that? Why is it happening? What would I say to me if I was my best friend? How would I come alongside Wendi and encourage her? I also try to let my husband help me walk through this? 

Here's the thing. When that feeling emerges in me, almost always in conversation with my husband and sons, my brain will then spiral into ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts). I never saw this before, but now I do. I can see them. I can feel them. The thoughts tell me all kind of horrible things about how horrible a person I am, what a failure I am, how messed up my kids will be because of me, and how much better my husband would be without me. Those thoughts have always been there, but now, because of my willingness to look into my own story, I can see what is happening and look at them with a different viewpoint! How powerful!

When these feelings occur, ask yourself, "How old do you feel right now?" And allow people in your life to speak TRUTH in you. "You are not dumb. You know things. You are strong." I can listen to my husband say, "Wendi, you don't have to prove to the boys or to me you aren't dumb." These people are incredibly important in our lives. 

I encourage you to listen to this podcast if you find yourself having rage or frustration or anger come out of you for no reason at all, it is for a reason! Listen to it. Pay attention to it. Jason always say himself as an angry person. Angry. Tough. Strong. But people started speaking into his life saying, "You are also tender, Jason. This can be true also. Both can be true at the same time." 

Our glory will leak out. And then other people see it. And there are some courageous people that will actually name it. And that blesses us and invites us into owning it more fully. We think it doesn't show. But we are image bearers. Thank God we leak it and thank God that people will call us out on it. 

Episode #82: How Your Story is Affecting Your Relationship with Your Children

 These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

What follows are my notes from this podcast: 82. How Your Story is Affecting Your Relationship with Your Children

What do you do with the moment that you begin to look into your own story and you suddenly realize "Oh Crap. I am hurting my own children." 

This can actually distract you from looking into your own story. You shift and want to work on relationship with them instead of your own wounds. 

This guilt is holy. Some things do need to be addressed. You want to make it right. Your broken heart is evidence of your deep desire to love your children better. 

"The past isn't dead. It's not even past."

Your past experiences in your life are profoundly affecting how you are interacting with your children. 

But have we thought about, neurologically, why we are losing it with our children? Most parenting failures are caused by dis-regulation in the parent.

(Go back and listen to Episode 20 on "Affect regulation" if you want to learn more about dis-regulation.) Who doesn't know the experience of feeling triggered by your child? Yes, even a five-year-old can trigger us. Your child does something and your body goes into a different physiological state. We suddenly aren't being the parent we long to be. But why? 

Because issues from your past are being activated. In other words, you are remembering something from your past. But you don't have the sensation of recall. That's called implicit memory. (Check out Podcast 11 for more on that.)

Suppose when you were a boy or girl, you were not allowed to cry. It was off-limits. And now you have a seven-year-old son who cries often. When ever it drags on longer than you think it should, something in your body begins to change. You get dis-regulated. 

Why? 

Perhaps the fact that you were not allowed to cry when you were a child is playing a role. It's this sense of, "Look, I held it together as a kid. I never cried."

Have you named your own reality? Have you grieved about the particular losses that are bound up within that reality? Without that space for grief, it is very likely that your inability to cry as a child is contributing significantly to your diminished tolerance for your son's crying. 

You must address this part of your story to "fix" this. His crying is connecting you to part of a story that has not become engaged. So you become hyper-aroused. And now, you've taught him that he is not allowed to cry. And so, the process of generational wounding continues. 

What is driving your upset feelings toward your son? You are yelling at your son because you are trying to get your dis-regulation to stop! When we are dis-regulated, we will do whatever it takes to get regulated again. You want to be more comfortable in your own body. 

Your parenting failures are often bound up in your story. That means you must engage your story in order to improve in your own parenting of your children -- whatever age that they are. 

Is there a linkage in your parental failures and unaddressed part of your story? Be curious about that. 

It can be very hard to see the way your parents harmed you AND the way you are harming your children at the same time. It's like you are being squeezed from both sides. It can therefore become easy to get distracted by your own story work to deal with how you are treating your kids. 

So .... how do you respond when you realize you are hurting your children?

The single most important thing you can do is ADDRESS YOUR OWN STORY in your family of origin growing up. (This is actually data not opinion!)

"The best predictor of how our children will become attached to us, that is how emotionally healthy they are, is how well we as parents have come to make sense of our lives. How well we tell a coherent story of our early life experiences." -- Dan Siegel

A great book about this is Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel.

If you want to be a better parent, there are two things to do: 

1. Focus on yourself as a CHILD. Do the reflective work to make sense of your own story when you were growing up and when you were a child. In some ways, you need to parent yourself as a child in order to be a better parent to your child -- even if they are an adult now!

Become curious about when you get dis-regulated with your children. Rather than being furious at yourself for losing it with your kids or grandkids, be curious WHY DO I GET DIS-REGULATED WHEN MY GRANDKID DOES ______." Your dis-regulation is about YOUR STORY not their behavior. (Even if their behavior is atrocious!)

2. The second thing you need to do is make sure your children feels FELT. When your child has big emotions, they need you to join them in those feelings. They need to know that you are attuned to what they are feeling on the inside. You join with them through the sharing of non-verbal communication!

When you realize your child is feeling sad because he wanted to play with his older brother and his older brother didn't play with him, your mind has the ability to feel that sadness and disappointment inside YOUR body. That is empathy. You can put yourself in your child's shoes. Let your mind attune to your child's facial expressions and tone of voice. Your son will know that you are feeling something of what he is feeling. He will feel joined by you and feel felt. This is REGULATION for your child and the main ingredient in SECURE ATTACHMENT. 

"Moments of joining, enable a child to feel felt. To feel that he or she exists within the mind of the parent. When children experience an attuned connection from a responsive, empathetic adult, they feel good about themselves because their emotions have been given resonance and reflection." -- Dan Siegel

Your child MOST needs emotional connection to you. 

Your child was created in the image of a triune God. A "we" and not an "I". Therefore, your child's deepest need is connection -- feeling joined -- feeling felt. 

And if you are listening to this and you feel like you do not emotionally connect with your child, START NOW. All harm can be repaired! 

Integration: means linking of separating parts is what brings healing.This brings Shalom. 

"The key to staying in connection with your child during times of discipline is to align yourself with your child's emotional state" -- Dan Siegel

Your child is throwing a fit wanting ice cream before dinner. You don't have to give them the ice cream in order to let her feel felt. You can empathize with your child's want to have ice cream without giving them the ice cream. Once you feel something of those feelings inside your own body, you might find yourself saying, "Oh! I know you want ice cream right now and that would be yummy, but you can't have any right now. Maybe later."

The magic of that statement is in the non-verbal communication. Your facial expression and your tone of voice let the child know you are feeling something of their disappointment and unmet longing.

Adam's son told his dad he didn't think his dad was noticing that he was working hard to learn to calm himself down. You can say to your child, "I am so sorry I have not noticed you when you are trying to behave correctly." They will feel loved when they hear you just say, "I am heartbroken I have not noticed you trying to calm yourself down." Notice that this story starts with Adam's failure as a parent and ends with the son feeling loved. 

Every parenting failure can become the opportunity for a parenting success if you are willing to do the work of repair. 

The second part of this two-parter will be entirely focused on how to repair!

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The Place We Find Ourselves: Hearing from God

To listen to this episode in its entirety click here. 

 "People are meant to live in an ongoing conversation with God, speaking and being spoken to." -- Dallas Willard

Think about Enoch! God in the garden with Adam and Eve! Moses! These are examples of the normal human life God intended for us. These moments are not meant to be exceptional. They are meant to be normal! Mannnnn, haven't we all thought that those were for exceptional people only? 

But let's look at what God actually did:

1. God created words. God created ears. 

2. God created the idea of a relationship and you talk to a friend and your friend talks back and you grow in intimacy with each other.  

3. We somehow think that the God who created words, ears, and relationships, would speak to us on a regular basis. 

The whole point of the resurrection is UNION!

 "Union with God consists chiefly in a conversational relationship with God, while we are consistently and deeply engaged as his friend and co-laborer in the affairs of the kingdoms of the heavens. God has created us for intimate friendship with himself." -- Dallas Willard

We need conversation! Our memories of our earthly father isn't memories of lectures. We need conversation. We need relationship. We need connection. 

OBSTACLES IN HEARING FROM GOD INCLUDE: 

1. One of the reasons that hearing from God is so fraught for many of us, is it because when we make movement toward listening, it connects us immediately to our longing to hear from our father or to hear from our mother when we were growing up. Have you come to terms with how deeply you longed to hear one or both of your parents to speak into your heart -- good and strong words. If we let ourselves hear our longing to hear God's voice, we will feel the longing we had to hear that connection with our parent. 

2. "The problem is not that Jesus isn't speaking or even that you aren't hearing, it's that you don't believe you are hearing." We don't believe that we are hearing from God. We immediately dismiss the words as our own voice. Are you thinking that if you hear from God you will automatically know it is HIS voice? Hearing from God is something that you learn, over time, by experience. Just like anything else in life. Being uncertain doesn't mean you haven't heard. 

3. Some of us don't feel the freedom to be in his presence. If you didn't develop a secure attachment to your parents, it can be hard for you to feel securely attached to your God.

4. We are not attuned to the gentle stillness of God's voice. In 1 Kings 19, God's voice is heard. It says that God was not in the earthquake or fire but he was in the still, small voice. The translation might just as well read, a gentle whispering. Messages from God are actually supposed to subtle. 

SO WHAT DO YOU DO IF IT IS HARD TO HEAR FROM GOD? 

1. Be curious as to why that is. Give yourself grace. 

2. Take seriously Jesus' words that you are in HIM and his spirit is IN you.

3. Start small. Ask simple questions. And wait and see what wells up in your heart in the next few minutes.

4. Be patient as you learn.

I am a HUGE fan of this podcast. If what I am writing is ministering to you, I encourage you to support THE PLACE WE FIND OURSELVES. He does NOT do advertising. He simply has people support the podcast.

Episode #11: Implicit Memory: The Thing That is Running Your Life

 

I am going to be taking notes on and sharing about a podcast that is simply transforming my life. It is called The Place We Find Ourselves. 

I have done this previously, but I am going to start compiling all of these similar posts. You will be able to find these posts at this link: My Blog: Mental Health. The screen shot above shows WHERE this is on my Blog. Anytime you want, you can click there and see the most recent Podcast I took notes on.

I strongly encourage you to listen to the episodes I link to. However, if you don't, my notes can help guide you. 

Also, I will try to note when a particular episode talks about something that might be hard to hear. (Sexual abuse for example.) Today's episode has NOTHING in it that should cause you discomfort and it is entitled:  Implicit Memory: The Thing That is Running Your Life

Daniel Siegel (neuroscientist) says: "The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what it automatically expects based on prior experience." The brain's job is to anticipate whatever is going to come next.

Memory is the way in which a past experience effects how the mind will function in the future. 

A memory is not a thing. There are no storage folders. There are no bins.

Implicit memory RUNS YOUR LIFE. Explicit memories are the actual events that are stored in your mind. Around 18 months of age, our body can start to store these memories. Implicit memory is operational before you come out of the womb. Here are two key takeaway notes from this episode:

1. Everything you learn in the first 18 months of life is recorded in implicit not explicit memory. You have to be paying attention to record something in explicit memory. You do not have to be paying attention for implicit memory to be stored. For example, there is a true story of a man who could not store explicit memories. But he was taught how to braid. He couldn't remember that he had learned this, but he was able to braid without realizing it because his implicit memory was fully operational. 

2. When you recall an implicit memory, you do not have a sensation that you are remembering something. So when an implicit memory pops up, it feels like the memory is happening in the present. Let's say you are walking in the park and a dog comes flying at you and you are very scared. You have no memory of being attacked by a dog when you were five. But your body remembers that attack. Implicit memory tells you how the world works and what you can expect from the world. Implicit memory is about the feel of things. 

If the only paintings you saw during your entire life were Monet and you never saw another painting, you would believe that this was what paintings looked like. You wouldn't think this is what Monet looked like. This is what happens with your understanding of relationships. Your brain summarizes all of your experiences of relating to your mother and father and instead of thinking "This is what a relationship with my MOM is like or my DAD is like", you think, "This is what relationships are like." So when we set out into the world, we carry those implicit memories with us and those memories tell us what to expect around every single corner. 

The issue is: the relationship with your parents wields a disproportionately strong influence on your implicit memories because they are the two people that have been there from the very beginning. We continue to store implicit memories throughout our life, however, experiences in adulthood have a much weaker influences on the brain. Childhood brains create the foundation of our brain because that is when the brain is growing and developing.

"What's crucial to understand about implicit memory is that implicit memory causes us to form expectations about the way the world works based on our previous experiences. Implicit memories creates something called priming in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way."

Do you ever feel intense emotion that you can tell that is more than the situation calls for? They seem to be overreactions or you've been told you are overreacting. But you have no sensation of recall. You are not aware that you are remembering something. In other words, it is not that you are too sensitive or you are a drama queen. You simply have a brain with a treasure-trove of implicit memories. So when you are making a mountain out of a mole hole. As far as your neurons are concerned, in your brain, it is a mountain.

The sensations in your body always tell the truth. They never lie! Pay attention to when you experience a shift in your body. That is telling you that implicit memory has just been experienced. When do you find yourself shutting down or going numb or getting panicky or fearful? Situations that evoke strong emotion responses in us, make implicit memory known!

Condemnation says, "What's wrong with me? Why did I react like that?"

Curiosity says, "Wow! That was a big reaction. I wonder what implicit memory is behind that?"

Implicit memory is the reason that you have had such a hard time TELLING YOURSELF TRUTHS that don't seem to make their way into your "heart."

How do you change implicit memories then? You change it through EXPERIENCES. 

For example, if a man is riding a bicycle that operates backward (turning left makes wheel goes right and vice versa), it took a scientist three weeks to train his brain to do it backwards. Even though the man knew what he had to do, his body was so trained that it was really impossible to do without a LOT of practice.

Episode #12: Trusting Your Gut

Why Trauma Makes It Hard to Trust Your Gut with Janet

 

Around the 41 minute mark, Janet says the following, and it really jumped out at me. Here are some of the parts that really ministered to me as I listened to this particular podcast.

To look at a relationship or a friendship, it takes more work to trust and believe that I have something of worth and value in the relationship. So I will endure suffering for the littlest bit of connection. I am finally giving myself permission to engage in friendships simply for the joy in delighting in someone else and allowing them to delight in me. I now believe that's possible. I believe that's good. To not feel this obligation to measure my worth and value in what I bring in order for them to be enough for them to consider I am worth having as a friend. We don't consciously reenact our past. But some part of us chooses that in the hopes that we will come up with a different world. Do I want to keep ignoring what I know to be true and approach relationships from a position of less than or shame or am I committed to mutual delight and trust. It feels really vulnerable.

For me, it has always been much easier to rage at myself. The inner critic in me is loud with a lot of accusation. Surely this is my fault. This is because of who I am. Any betrayal means: I shouldn't expect any better. The voice will say "So you knew the truth and yet the same thing is happening. So why are you here again? And having tremendous contempt for being here again." The self-contempt for me in those mornings protects me from seeing the horror of the betrayal.

The core dilemmas of our growing up years become re-enacted over and over again in the stories of our adult lives.  Ultimately that drama forces us to deal with God in very close quarters -- if we decide to let it. "Really, God? We are here again?!" And Jesus is saying, "Yes, we are here again. Because this is your chance for you to experience something redemptive.

God is very committed to healing and maturing us, growing us up. Making us more solid versions of ourselves. Solid. Grounded. Stable. 

Needing love is fundamental to who we are. Believing that we are worthy of that is extremely important. 

365 Days of Rest #59

There is a prerequisite to healing. You must be growing in AWARENESS if you are going to be healed. You have to choose to pay attention to what is happening in your mind or your body. Most of us don't do that very often or very well. 

I recently listened to another episode on the PODCAST: The Place We Find Ourselves. 

Why the Practice of Awareness Heals Your Brain with Terry Bohn

While I listen to these podcasts, I have begun to take notes. Honestly, these are mostly for me. But I wanted to share them on my Blog. I really think that if this is something you are interested in, you should listen to the Podcast yourself. But if you want a "quicker option", here are my notes!

INTEGRATION: is bringing all parts of ourself together. Integration leads to well-being and healing or as the Bible says: SHALOM.

Trauma impairs integrative functioning in the brain. So when we experience heartache or harm, our brain does not process that well. Our brain becomes disconnected, and we need integration for optimal health. 

AWARENESS: can be defined as: 

• attentiveness
• mindfulness
• meditative thinking (which is not anti-Christian thinking) 
• intentional thinking 
• paying attention to what is happening inside of our minds and bodies. 
• paying attention to our feelings and our thoughts and the sensations in our body. 

Awareness exists on a spectrum. This spectrum can have three levels. 

1. DISASSOCIATION: At the far (and one could say "unhealthy" side) is disassociation. This is if when you disconnect from life, and this is often a coping mechanism and a defense. When something is overwhelming, you might have to tuck it away because it is too much. (Children often have to do this to survive.) So in other words, awareness is important, but God has designed our brain to allow us disconnect in those times in order to protect ourselves. 
2. DISTRACTION/SELECTIVE ATTENTION: The spectrum can also include distraction/selective attention (more of the middle of the road) where you are very aware of some parts and not so much of others.
   
3. FULL AWARENESS of what is going on inside of you is the healthiest.
   

From the moment we are born, we need attachment. We are born looking for someone who is looking for us. Throughout our entire life, we look for people who are looking for us. We are looking for that safe place to be ourselves, to be authentic, present, awareness, and enjoyed. Are you aware of what is happening inside of you when someone actually likes being with you? Can you pay attention to what that feels like? On the flip side, what is it like for you when you see the feeling of contempt from another person. Are you aware in that moment of what is going on inside of you?

We have a profound ability to choose to pay attention to what we want to pay attention to. You can direct your attention consciously to whatever you want. But it takes P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E. You must be attuned to yourself. I started this journey in March. It is something I think I will be working on my whole life. But each day I feel like I understand a little bit more what is going on inside of me. 

One example is that when I get into arguments with JB now, I am much more likely to back-up and see his point. Not because I am just being nice. Because my defenses are down lower. And they are down lower because I am not triggered in the same way I was before. With the kids, I am able to look at things more and say, "Why is what they are saying upsetting me so much?" I am not, in any way, saying I figured this out. But I am saying that I am seeing things much more clearly and intentionally.

Your body is always in flux. At any given moment, are you breathing faster or slower? Are you anxious? If I say the words "let's go to a cocktail party," what goes on in your body when I say that? Do you want to go? Does it scare you? Are you okay going there alone? At any given moment, you have feelings and need to be aware of what is happening in your body when those things come up. 

And, almost more importantly, we are raising children with feelings. Can we help them navigate this? Can we teach them the things that we were never taught?

The brain cannot integrate if we are not paying attention to what happening in our bodies when someone says "Cocktail Party." When your boss comes into your office. When you see a homeless person. When your child gives you a disrespectful look. Are you paying attention to what is going on in your body? Nowhere is this more relevant than in your close relationships within your home: spouse and children if you are an adult. And if you are a child, your siblings and your parents.

Awareness is the prerequisite work to begin healing. This means that we must BE MINDFUL. There are often competing thoughts going on and because the noise in your head is so loud, you find it difficult to pay attention to any of the thoughts with much success. Awareness is the ability to actually pay attention to what you are paying attention to.

Mindfulness is paying attention in the present moment to whatever you are feeling in any given moment but without judgment. WITHOUT JUDGMENT is a huge part of this conversation. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. But when were you taught to actually love yourself? What is the negative self-talk that you have lived with for so long actually saying? And it is truth.

Give this a try. When you feel yourself spiraling and your brain is saying all these things to yourself, try writing them down. When I get in a fight with one of my teenagers, my brain goes into some very negative self-talk. It might say things like: "You aren't a good mom." "You will mess up your kids." "Your kids don't love you." "You are a failure." Often this self-talk is so ingrained in us, we don't even realize it is happening. I have started PAYING ATTENTION to the self-talk and being AWARE of what my brain has been telling me for most of my life. 

I took the time to write this self-talk down. And then, later, I went back, and re-read these points with more clarity outside of the moment. Most of the statements were either not true or they were exaggerated greatly. For example, I might have said, "I am screwing up my kids." In fact the statement should read, "We are all sinners and making mistakes. Some of my mistakes might mess up my children, and if they do, I hope that I can be there for them to own and apologize for the sins I committed." I might also say, "I yell too much." This is actually true for me. So the statement could read, "I yell too much, and this is something I must continue to work on in my life."

Where does judgment pop up in your life toward yourself?! Most people are unaware of the dozens of moments of self-contempt in our day-to-day life TOWARDS OURSELVES!!! Most likely, your self-talk is grouped into some categories that continually emerge. My negative self-talk almost always surrounds my failure as a parent or my failure as a wife or a friend. Everyone's self-talk can be different depending on your strengths and weaknesses and past trauma and current triggers.

Let's say you get a thought about something you forgot to do and what follows is the judgment you feel toward yourself for forgetting to do that thing. Try picturing that "feeling" or "judgment" going by on a conveyor belt in a big warehouse. Watch it go completely out-of-sight. You have the ability to say, "This frustration does not need to own me in this moment." You have the ability to learn ways to actually see that thing as not being real. Or being something that you are working to be bigger than. 

When Kim is doing therapy with me, she often says Notice that. If judgment creeps in, that takes the ability to pay attention. If we can we just be Curious about what is going on inside of you, that really changes everything. That allows for a more spacious awareness of what is going on in you.

When you get really angry at your kid, can you not judge yourself but instead be curious as to why you are reacting that way. If a loved one looks away when they pick up the phone. Can we just be curious as to why they did that instead of barking at them for doing it. We can have awareness of the judgment that we are passing. Emotions are not a bad thing. They are uncomfortable. But they are data that we can use. 

I'll give you an example. I recently had an argument with one of my children. As I am working on healing and awareness, I became very aware of my behavior during the argument. I felt stupid. Instead of judging myself for feeling stupid, I started thinking about why my teenager had the ability to make me feel stupid. Where did I learn that behavior? Why did I care what their opinion of me was? I still don't quite have the answers to these questions, but being aware what was happening and that this wasn't about my child as much as it was about me, was incredibly helpful. I had never thought about things like that during arguments before. But now I am! I am not trying to solve it right then. Sometimes I tuck it away to discuss it with Kim later. For now, it is simply something I can pay attention to and see if I can figure out the triggers and reasons that I might be reacting the way I am.

When a loved one picks up their phone, can you calmly say, "I don't know why this is happening to me, but when you picked up your phone, I felt something in my body and it really bothered me." This will allow the brain to integrate. You don't have to know why it is bothering you. I actually said to my child during the argument, "You know what? I am not sure what is happening in my body, but I am triggered when you don't believe something that I know is truth. It makes me feel stupid. But I am realizing, that isn't your fault. That is simply something I am feeling. This is more about me than you, but I may need some time to work through this."

[Sidenote: Did you know that when you are in an argument with someone and your frontal lobe is engaged, if both YOU and the other person are in this position, you have a 6% chance of solving the disagreement? A way better idea is to walk away and come back later ... when you are calmer and can think more rationally. You usually need at least twenty minutes to calm down.]

How does the brain "heal" or "change"? Paying attention to your feelings and body sensations can actually create neural firing patterns in the brain that enable your brain to change. And that is called HEALING. How does this happen? There are three main ways:

1. New neurons can actually develop. This is called neurogenesis.

2. Neurons that were not previously connected or wired together, become wired together. Or, their wiring is strengthened.

3.  Building myelin! The myelin sheath overs your neurons. Not all neural circuitry transmits information at the same speed. Imagine a fight with your spouse. You get disregulated because of something they say. Imagine how the next five minutes of that fight might unfold if you can calm yourself 3,000 times faster! Myelin helps that happen. There is actually research that shows that some people have stronger/better myelin than other people. This is why some people can handle anxiety so differently from other people.

Doing this is SCARY, however. I want you to know that being vulnerable is never easy. I really suggest you find 1-5 people with whom you can completely practice this without fear that they will shut you out of their life. 

We might think: "If I let myself feel these things, I might never come back." It can be scary to open up this box!

Our mind is an emotion. And even if there are crazy waves on the surface, there is a YOU that is independent of the stuff on the surface. You can dive down and be present and look UP and decide what you want to do with the stuff on the surface. Most of us spend our day on the RIM of awareness instead of coming into the center and being able to look O-U-T. You can pay attention the stuff but you are NOT that stuff. 

You 

can 

heal.

365 Days of Rest #57

I am listening to the following podcast episode: What it looks like to actually grieve your wounds. 

I am a HUGE fan of Adam Young's Podcast: The Place We find Ourselves. I encourage you to listen to this podcast and read my notes as you go. However, if you don't have time to listen, then this will provide a great overview. 

My biggest "beef" with Christians has been their unwillingness to allow sorrow.

After the silence, after the shock of the pain, as the horror of the pain is settling in, Job opens up his mouth and speaks.

But he didn't have to! He didn't have to engage with life or with God! He didn't have to speak of his pain. He could have killed himself or numbed himself to his pain and pushed that pain down to the basement of his heart.

But Job chooses NOT to deny his pain. He speaks about his pain. He finds language to express his internal reality. 

When your world is falling apart, will you open your mouth? Will you have the courage to express to God what you are truly feeling inside? Even if you can't pray, you can journal the words that explain what is going on inside of you.

Lament is to express sorrow, sadness, grief. Lament is what comes out of you when your dreams are shattered. Job actually curses the day of his birth. He wants the day of his birth annulled because his pain is so great. The only thing that brings him comfort, is wishing he'd never been born in the first place. 

What is the Christian response to that pain? What should your attitude be when you are suffering? It is common to think, "I should ask God to increase my faith during this time." Or maybe we think, "I need to repent." Or you think, "I should be grateful for what I have."

But Job DOESN'T DO THAT! Is it ungodly to wish that you would die or wish that you would never have been born? Rebecca does it! Moses does it! Elijah prays that he might die. Jonah wants his life to be taken. Jeremiah uttered a lament quite similar to Job's.

If you are a Christian, you may need permission to feel. We think there is something wrong with sadness. Happiness needs to be on our face. We can't walk into church with sadness on our faces. And yet, Job and Lamentations and other books of the Bible tell us there is nothing ungodly about despair and permission to feel. 

You can talk CANDIDLY about your feelings. Job invites us to pray our feelings. We pre-reflectively pray our feelings before editing our words. This can help identify what is going on in your heart. You can do this before you edit your words and make them consistent with some sort of theology. When was the last time you poured out yourself to God?!

We think we are living in a well-ordered or fair world. But we are NOT.

Lament means you are: 

1. Allowed to FEEL your sorrow.

2. Allowed to EXPRESS that sorrow. 

We are reluctant to use the language of lament because it seems to be an expression of distrust of God rather than trust. "A Christian shouldn't say, why didn't I die at birth!?" 

Why not? Why can't they say that?

Saying "I wish I was dead" is okay. It takes more faith and trust to take our sorrow to God than it does to push down what we are actually feeling.

Does lamenting force us to despair? Look at Job. He was angry, but he ultimately had a conversation with God. The path of lament need not lead to despair. Despair results when we lament without hope. The resurrection of Jesus shatters all hopelessness by: 

1. The resurrection means that your reality can be changed. If Jesus rose from the dead, then there is no situation that cannot be reversed. One Biblical scholar famously said, "Barrenness is the way of human history. It is an effective metaphor for hopelessness. But the marvel of Biblical Faith is that barrenness is the arena of God's life-giving action. It is part of the destiny of our common faith, that those who believe the promise and hope against barrenness, nevertheless must live with the barrenness. Why and how does one continue to trust solely in the promise when the evidence against the promise is all around? Can the closed womb of the present be broken open to give birth to a new future?" But look at Sarah! Her situation could be reversed. It's impossible to be raised from the dead, and yet Jesus was raised from the dead. 

2. The resurrection means that even if the situation is not reversed, you have someone who will be with you in the fire. More than wanting our circumstances to change, we want to feel the presence of someone in the fire with us. 

Most of us are deeply uncomfortable with our feelings. But feelings give us a window to what is going on in the deepest parts of our hearts. Your feelings happen in a fraction of a second, much faster than you can ever control. What God calls you is not getting rid of your sadness or fear. He calls you to honesty of whatever is inside you.

DO NOT DENY SORROW!

Job's biggest frustration is God's silence. His desire is for relationship with God. He wants response from God. 

Lament is one of the most faithful responses you can make to the reality of this world and the reality of God.

Episode #11: Implicit Memory: The thing that's running your life

"The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what is automatically expected based on prior experience."-- Daniel Siegel

Click here to listen to this podcast on the The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast. 

Your prior experiences prime the brain to anticipate something familiar ... 

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the future.

Memory is NOT a thing. Memories are the heartbeats of the nervous system. 

Explicit memories are memories of events. Explicit memory development begins around 18 months of age. But implicit memory is operational before you come out of the womb. 

1. Everything you learn in the first 18 months of life is recorded in implicit memories NOT explicit memories.

You have to be paying attention to record something in explicit memory. For example, a test. You must pay attention to study it and record it in your memory. Implicit memories are recorded whether you are paying attention or not.

In the book A General Theory of Love, a man named Mr. Underwood lost all of his explicit memory. He was then taught how to braid -- how to take three strands and braid them together. After he had mastered braiding, the people who were doing the experiment asked him "Do you know how to braid?" He of course, had to reply, "No," because he can't record explicit memories. He can't remember the event of learning to braid. However, when three strips of cloth were put into his hands, he braided them immediately.

2. When you recall an implicit memory, you do not have the sensation that you are remembering something. 

When you recall an implicit memory, there is no sensation of recall. You don't recall that you are retrieving a memory from the past, therefore it feels like the present. It feels like the memory is happening in the present.

Your implicit memory tells you how the world works and what you can expect from the world. 

Implicit memory is about the feel of things.

Your brain summarizes all the experiences of relating with your mother and father, and instead of thinking "This is what a relationship with my father is like," you instead think, "This is what all relationships are like." 

And so when we set out into the world, we carry with us a storehouse of implicit memories. 

And yes, this is an oversimplification. You are having experiences, of course, with people outside of your parents. And all of those experiences affect you. However, the relationship with your parents wields a disproportionate influence on your implicit memory. We continue to record implicit memories throughout our life. But experiences as adults have a much weaker influence on the brain. Childhood influences create the foundation of our brain. And later experiences merely make adjustments to that foundation. 

"What's crucial to understand about implicit memories is that implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works based on our previous experiences. Implicit memory creates something called priming in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way. The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what it automatically expects based on prior experience." --Siegel 

You never forget how to ride a bike for example. 

Do you ever experience intense emotion that seems larger than what the situation calls for? These reactions are directly proportional to how your brain takes the other person's words and interprets them through the grid of your implicit memory. Something through the other person's facial expression or choice of words, has brought to mind past memories. And you are remembering these experiences, but because these experiences are stored in implicit memory, you are not aware that you are remembering anything at all. 

When people say you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, that's wrong. In your brain, it IS a mountain. There is no way to experience it differently because that is how it is stored.The sensations in your body ALWAYS tell the truth. They never lie. 

The sure-fire way to begin to understand in your implicit memory is to pay attention to when you feel shifts in your body, shifts in your level of arousal. When all of a sudden your body suddenly experiences a shift in your affect ... that is telling you that implicit memory has just been activated. 

Situations that evoke strong emotional responses from us, make implicit memory known.  

Curiosity says, "Wow. I wonder what that is touching in me!?" Ask questions instead of making accusations.

Implicit memory is the reason you have had such a hard time telling yourself truths that don't seem to make their way into your "heart."

You can't get those cognitive truths from your head to your heart.You can't tell yourself, "It's okay, that Cocker Spaniel is okay," and have it change your bodily response to the fear. The reason is, it is very hard to use words or cognitive thinking or words to change what is inscribed in implicit memory.

So how do you change it then? 

I used EMDR. But Experiences is the way without therapy!

Please take a minute to watch THIS video. This will summarize what is happening with our brains with implicit memory.

 

You change these memories by healthy relationship experiences.

Episode #149: The Place We Find Ourselves (Part 2)

I have been listening to this Podcast for many months. There is so much there and it is SO deep, but I want to start breaking down parts of it when I have the bandwidth. 

The Place We Find Ourselves

Here are some initial notes from this episode (which is part 1 of 2).

When we become disregulated, we became either HYPER (amp up) or HYPO (shift down) aroused. 

The shift into various levels of disregulation throughout our day, allows your body to reveal your story to you. 

You can learn some important things about your story by noticing WHEN you become disregulated. Some thoughts: 

1. What are the kinds of things that disregulate you?

2. Are you HYPER (8, 9 or 10) or HYPO (1, 2, or 3) when this disregulation occurs? Or do you amp up to try and get a response and if it doesn’t work, you slam way down to a hopeless state. Pay close attention to the tendencies of your particular nervous system. 

3. Bring curiosity to your disregulated body to say “what may have caused me to get disregulate?”

Why does situation X trigger me?? Because you are remembering something. Your brain is calling something to mind from your past. But it is activating implicit memory. So you don’t have the sensation of recall. That is what a trigger is. Here are some thoughts that: 

1. Significant shifts in your affect (a person’s outward expression of emotion) tell you precious information about what is happening in the present or what has happened in the past or possibly both. 

2. What movements does your body want to make? These are impulses to movement. If you have a history of trauma, you often won’t listen to your body’s impulses. Let them teach you about the story in your past. 

Self-contempt can become a compass for your body.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-place-we-find-ourselves/id1373926216?i=1000642429038

Episode #147: The place we find ourselves (Part 1)

1. Your body IS speaking to you. It is letting you know some things. 

2. The things that your body is telling you are incredibly important when it comes to healing/growing. They are more important than you realize. 

 

I used to think phrases like this was mumbo-jumbo wacky "back-to-the-earth" people. But it is NOT. This is what I have been missing my whole life. 

My body was experiencing lots of physical sensations, and I never understood that my body was trying to say to me.

If you see a snake and you are afraid of snakes -- you know this is FEAR. You understand that FEAR. Fear is a particular combination of bodily sensations. But every emotion is first a particular combination of body sensations. SADNESS hits you that way too. This can be tightening in the jaw, a lump in your throat, upset stomach etc. How people experience this varies from person to person as well.

I actually think my migraines may have been my body trying to talk to me as well. I am not sure yet, but I am paying attention.

 

Your body is a TRUTH-TELLER! This is a gift. Your body does not lie. And the book The Body Keeps the Score is a great one to read! (Feelings can lie, of course. But your physical sensations are telling you something about what you've experienced, even if that thing you experienced is negative or incorrect.)

Do you pay attention to the memos your body is sending you? Ummmm, I never did. Ever. I never knew this. No one ever told me this.

And, it is important to understand that your body will not always have it right. It might have a panic attack when it sees birds for example. But, it is telling you a story about your past story and your TRAUMA. There is something in your past that is causing you to have tension surrounding birds. 

 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you.

Honestly, some of what this Christian counselor on this podcast is saying will feel "silly." And maybe the way he is breaking down feels silly. But what is he is saying is correct. If you are feeling tension, your body is trying to speak to you. And if you aren't paying attention, it will continue to try and tell you until you listen.

I didn't listen. I refused. So my body said, "I am going to shut down completely. Because if I don't, you will eventually die from lack of paying attention to me."

NOTICE THAT.

Say that to yourself when you feel something.

NOTICE

THAT.

He uses these two words in the therapeutic process more than anything else. These two words are an invitation to listen to the story your body is trying to tell you. Your physical body. Not your brain. Not your counselor's brain. Your physical body is the one telling you the most honest story.

If that constricted feeling in your throat could talk, what might it say ....

1. What are you feeling in your body right now?

2. Notice that. Feel into it.

3. If that sensation in your _____ could talk, what would it say?

Your body knows things that your in-your-skull brain does not. 

What if you begin to listen more frequently to your knower? This would include the brain cells in your heart and gut. 

What is making you reluctant to listen to your knower?

 

Your body from the neck down knows things about your story that the brain in your head does not know.

 

Many modern western churches, have a DEEP suspicion to the human body. The body is the secondary to the soul. If you grew up in the church, you have likely received the message that your gut, heart, body is untrustworthy. It's the idea that you should not let your feelings guide you. If you want your life to go well, you need to put your faith in God and the facts of scripture rather than letting your feelings guide you. Don't let your feelings be the engine of your life. We were taught that your feelings are only valuable if they line up with the Bible. So we are taught that our feelings are dangerous. It is dangerous to rely on the wisdom of one's body. This is NOT to say that our feelings trump the Bible AT ALL. This is just to say that we need to pay attention to our body. If we have a headache, our body may be saying "You need rest." It isn't always that we need healing. (Although healing can come through rest.)

 

Various verses are used to teach you not to trust your intuition/gut

 

1. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding." This came to mean that a real Christian doesn't trust themselves and should ignore what their intuition is if it conflicts with what the good experts say it conflicts with the Bible. (Pay attention to the fact that I am not talking bout what the Bible says but what other people SAY it says.) This teaching has profoundly shaped evangelicalism. You may understandably may have a deep suspicion of this entire podcast episode in your "knower." You may believe that external authority is more valuable than internal. But we were created in the image of God. We are able to discern what is true and not true. External authority refers to trusting the wisdom of others. 

2. Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." This ingrained in people that anything they wanted was actually bad and it taught them not to trust themselves. This can cause people to distrust their own thoughts/guts/feelings. But the primary point of the book of Jeremiah is to share that your heart is actually trustworthy. This is not saying that your feelings are truthful. They can be wrong. But in the New Testament, Jesus will live within you. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

 

3. It builds to Jeremiah 31 which says "'The time is coming,'" says the Lord 'Where I will make a new covenant with the house of Judah. I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts." That same heart that is supposed to be deceitful above all things! As a Christian, your heart is not deceitfully wicked -- albeit it may be wicked at times. However, it can also be a good place where Jesus dwells.

 

4. Jeremiah 12 is him talking to God, "'Why does the way of the wicked prosper. You are always on their lips but you are far from their hearts. But you know me O Lord. You see me and test my thoughts about you." Jeremiah's entire argument is that his heart is deceitful above all things. His heart is good. The hearts of the WICKED are deceitful.

5. Psalm 7 "Grant me justice Lord as befits my righteousness and as be fits my innocence."

6. Psalm 18 "The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness. According to the cleanness of my hands, he has rewarded me."

7. Psalm 26 "Vindicate me O Lord, for I have lead a blameless of life. I have trusted in the Lord without wavering."

8. Job The starting point of the book of Job and the foundation upon the entire narrative of Job is that God thinks Job's heart is righteous and good. "Have you paid heed to my servant Job? There is no one like him on Earth -- a blameless and upright man who fears God and shuns evil." God doesn't think Job's heart is deceitful above all things. 

These verses are not confessions of sin-less-ness or perfection. The heart can be good and trustworthy even though we are all sinners. None of the Biblical writers believed their heart was beyond cure. When a Bible verse is used to convince you not to trust yourself, you are in the realm of spiritual abuse. (Obviously there are levels to this and it cannot be said quite this clearly, but pay attention to this.)

Paul tells us that our body has become the dwelling place of God! 

9. I Cor 6 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, who you have received from God." In ancient Israel, the temple was the ONE place where heaven and Earth intersected. Our bodies have become the dwelling place of God! Paul claims that the human body has become a temple. The glory of God which previously only took up residence in the Jerusalem temple, now resides in the human body because of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Part 1