It is time for me to LEVEL UP. For a year I have been working on my mental health. I've come SO far. But now I've reached a new place. And I want to learn even more. I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive. And I'd love to take other people along with me.
One of my BIGGEST stressors is someone being mad at me. Over the last few weeks, we had a family situation that emptied my gas tank. And then, I find out someone is upset at me. So the result is something that looks like this:
Empty Tank + Stressor = Not good results
FULL Tank + Stressor = Much better results
FULL TANK + NO Stressor = Perfect results
In the past, I would have ferociously tried to solve the person being angry at me. That was my defense. However, new Wendi knows that isn't the right thing to do. It's a hit of heroin. I think it is the answer. But it's not. It's like someone with medical anxiety going to the doctor and the doctor saying they are fine. They haven't gotten to the bottom of what is going on.
Okay, so here I am, having to sit in someone being mad at me. I'm there. My "biggest fear" has happened. To be frank: it has happened before. I've had many instances in my life when someone was indeed mad at me. However, I am now realizing that I have been attempting, at all costs, over the last few years, to prevent this from EVER EVER EVER happening. It's my main goal in life. #1: Don't let anyone think you are not an amazing human.
I would love for this person to not be mad. But what I am realizing is that I need this person to be mad right now to get my to level-up. Ouch! That is hard to realize. Through my counseling and mental health work, I have been able to handle minor ruptures relatively well. I can know a friend is frustrated or peeved without over-thinking it. But an actual "I don't wan to speak to you," is the next level.
Here we go Wendi. You got this.
In my mind this fear makes total sense. People being mad at you is the worst thing ever, right? But when I bring this up to "normal" people, they truly don't get why it would spiral me as it has.
I have friends dealing with their own anxiety. A few of my friends are dealing with medical anxiety. Anytime they get something abnormal with their body, they believe they are dying. I, personally, think this is crazy. Why would you spend time worrying about something like that?
I have another friend who has a great fear of bed bugs. I think this is ridiculous (and I've told the friend so). But something in her believes this will kill her. Anytime I start to say that her fear is ridiculous, John will say to me, "You fear is just as ridiculous."
Seriously?
It's because I believe someone being mad at me is DEATH. Truly. Isn't that crazy? Yes, it is. But it is what I believe.
Jesus said: "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." What is the truth? As I have been healing from bad patterns in my life, I am working to truly see what the truth IS. The truth is that there are patterns that hold me back. I want to break from those patterns and instead anchor myself firmly in the transformative truth of scripture. I have identity in Christ! I have emotional safety in Christ!
We hear the word "trigger" and quite honestly, it has been so overused in our culture that we roll our eyes. However, a "trigger" is something that evokes strong emotional reactions from us. And the truth is, these triggers are often rooted in past experiences and our deeply held emotional beliefs. Therefore, my people-pleasing has to have a root.
So ... what is that root?
Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." The problem is, when we are young, we don't necessarily know how to do that. Our heart was led to believe things that are just not true (either by watching our parents, being taught by our parents, in our church, our school, or through some sort of traumatic event.) If we can learn what triggers us emotionally, we can respond with wisdom and grace rather than our impulsive feelings.
Here are ten common relational triggers that can affect our emotional intimacy, trust, and safety. Today, I want to just talk about the first one on the list. But I am sure I will get to others. The ones I am BOLDING are the ones I think I most personally struggle with.
1. REJECTION -- woah! Did you know that rejection activates the same parts of the brain as physical pain! This is why it hurts so deeply! We can also question our worth and identity in Christ.
2. Fear of Abandonment
3. Trust Violations
4. Emotional Unavailability
5. Loneliness
6. Loss of Control
7. Social Media Overuse
8. Negative Peer Influence
9. Anger
10. Insecurity / Low Self-Esteem
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