It's amazing how wonderful it feels to have my husband home. How my perspective changes. How the world just seems better. Tonight, we went out for dinner. I am not sure the last time we had a date. Months? A year?
It isn't just John being gone. Our friends and family have had such a need for COVID questions and support. And no matter what anyone says, there is no way you can say: "Sorry, call your doctor," when a friend texts and says: "My parent is dying. Can you help."
I've been in counseling for the last few months. I'm working through some things. I've improved in the area of blame. I cannot blame people for what my husband is going through. I cannot blame them for not understanding what it feels like to have skin in the game. I can't control a global pandemic.
I've done some things, purposefully, to make life better during this incredibly hectic time:
- With the help of my "sort-of-sister-wife" Erin, I've worked to make my bedroom more of a peaceful place that I can go or John and I can sit and talk. With 13 people living on the farm, we need a place we can go privately to have conversations or just get a break from the craziness.
- I have gotten off of social media. For at least the time being, I'm off of all social media. And I don't miss it at all.
- I'm working to drop any rubber ball I can. To only hold onto the glass balls that require my attention. If a ball won't break if I drop it, it needs to be dropped.
- John and I are also discussing what the future looks like for us. What it looks like if COVID doesn't stop. What we need to keep our sanity during a Pandemic when your husband is on the front-line.