The Perfect Word

The Perfect Word

By: Wendi Kitsteiner

(It's been 14 years, and the beauty of this word is not lost on me ... ever.)

The test says "No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

Imagine. 

I can't even imagine it as I look back. (And it was me who was hearing and seeing it in those moments.) Over and over again. How did I continue standing? Continue moving onward? 

How could I hear "No" sixty times? Or more. Yes, more than sixty times. Year after year after year after year. And not completely give up? I look back and think:

I was stronger than I knew. 

Or did I give up? Perhaps I did. Perhaps I gave up and didn't even realize I  did so that the "No" didn't hurt so bad after awhile.

Maybe I became numb to the word "No."

Again and again and again.

All the while my friends and family heard "Yes" and I smile and I hug them and I even buy a present and sit and pretend that I don't feel jealous when I can't even possibly imagine how it would feel to be them. And I dream so hard that I was them. And it doesn't feel fair to not be them. 

And that other lady hears "Yes" a second time. And a third. While I sit there and listen to the "No" over and over and over again. 

And their "Yes" is so reliable that they plan for their "Yes." They say, I'll shoot for a "Yes" in May. (And this is beyond anything I can even comprehend, and I want to laugh, but I don't.) I just want to hear a "Yes" in any way. On any day. 

I don't plan for a month of the year or the right timing between a "Yes." I just want to hear it. Just once. 

But I hear "No."

"No."

"No."

"No."

I ask for help. And the doctors say "No."

I cry.

I beg.

I plead.

I move on.

(Or I try.)

Do I ever really move on?

And then someone asks me if I will be the Mommy to their miracle. My barren womb opens its arms and a little beautiful baby climbs inside and emerges from the deep recesses of my heart. 

I hold the power to say "Yes."

I look at that child and I choose "Yes." I choose to be a Mama. And the babe falls asleep on my chest and is breathing small puffs of baby's breath into the wrinkles of my neck as I spin the word around in my mouth and whisper it and yell it and can't believe I get to hear it. 

"Will you by my Mommy?"

"Yes!"

I give a precious soul a place in my home and the judge says: "This child is now your blood. This child is equal in all ways to any child that comes from your womb. Will you say yes?"

The word floats around again in a place where it never seems like it will land and hold truth of its own. But it does. And I yell: "Yes!" 

The baby is buckled in, and instead of suckling to my chest, it's tiny self cradles into my arms. My body doesn't make milk, but I am okay with "No" because this "No" means this perfect child is the child of my barren womb. 

I just sit in awe and count the tiny fingers and toes and cry and thank God, and I no longer look for a "Yes" because I've received the "Yes" of my dreams.

And the "Yes" is more perfect than I could imagine.

And I thank God for the dozens of times I heard "No."

To receive the privilege of this exact, "Yes."

Please use our link!

On the top right corner of my Blog you will see a new way to access AMAZON. All you have to do is click this link. It will shoot you STRAIGHT to Amazon. You will not notice anything else different and will receive no confirmation that you did it, but trust me, YOU HAVE. By clicking this link, Because of Isaac will receive 5-8% of your purchase price. We have been receiving some LARGE checks because of you all using this.

Many of you use Amazon Smile. Keep in mind that the organization you use that with will only receive POINT 5 percent (.5%) of the purchase price. It's a HUGE difference.

Please use this link EVERY TIME YOU SHOP!!!

A BOI thank you

Every single time I look at our boy, I seriously can’t believe he’s ours. OURS!! All those years we were waiting, Caleb was the one we were waiting for. How incredible is that?

When we started our adoption journey, the amount of money we were going to need felt like an insurmountable mountain. Wendi can attest to the fact that I regularly expressed doubt that all of the money would come. How could we ask people to donate $26,000 to us?

I can attest to the fact that every time I doubted, Wendi reminded me that none of this was too big for God. 

There is a worship song called “Do It Again” by Elevation Worship. Without knowing it, my sister-in-law Vanessa and my cousin Stephanie text this song to me within five days of each other, right around when Caleb was born. I had never heard it before, but this part really hit home for me:

“I've seen You move, come move the mountains

And I believe, I'll see You do it again

You made a way, where there was no way

And I believe, I'll see You do it again”

Remember that insurmountable financial mountain? Well, God moved that mountain not once, but twice. The first time when we needed $26,000, and then again when we needed more money so we could switch agencies.  

Time and time again, he made a way where there was no way. And he did it through every single person who faithfully donated to Because of Isaac on our behalf. Words feel so inadequate to express how grateful we are. God used you to help fulfill the desire of our hearts to be parents. Thank you!!

In addition to financial donations, so many people stepped up and blessed us with everything we could possibly need for Caleb from a car seat and stroller to diapers, wipes, clothes, pack n play, toys, and the list goes on. Seriously, we have felt so blessed. 

Our church family fed us for a couple of weeks, which was amazing!! Thank you!!

Our families (as many of them could come out) came out to helped us navigate having newborn, washed bottles, made food and loved on Caleb and us!! 

The wait for Caleb was so incredibly hard. There were more dark days than I can count, and I lost hope at some point. God had a plan though...and it was a perfect plan. Our boy was absolutely, completely, totally worth the wait. We would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

We want to thank John and Wendi for believing in us and standing by us. We could not have done this without you!

Lastly, thank you Jesus for this precious gift that you knit together in another mother’s womb. For giving her the strength to make the most selfless, sacrificial decision she’s ever made. All glory and praise go to you!!

We love you all!!

Ryan & Briana

Newest BOI Couple: JOE & CARRIE!

Just yesterday I posted the following on Facebook:

It is with more excitement than I can even begin to convey that I announce our newest Because of Isaac couple: my beautiful and hilarious childhood friend Carrie Alford and her amazing and dynamic husband Joseph Noble Alford.

Joe and Carrie are ON FIRE for the Lord, and they will make the most amazing parents ever. All they need are individuals to help them financially afford the cost.

Please visit the link to their bio on our website. and bring your tissues as Carrie shares the intimate details of their journey to parenthood.

In just about 24 hours, we have seen $1,591 come in for this couple. They have a LONG way to go, but we are seeing it happen SO FAST.

Please remember that even if you can't donate financially, you can pray. And you can also use and encourage others to use: www.shopforadoption.com prior to any purchase on Amazon or Target or Walmart. We get 5-8% of your purchase price so please don't forget this!

So many emotions

Watching Ryan and Briana get their little boy has been an incredibly emotional experience for me. 

All of the couples that have adopted their child/ren have moved me and excited me. But Ryan and Briana are on a whole different level.

I think this is for two reasons.

The first is that Briana and I have grown incredibly close during their journey. We became friends because she married my cousin and because we shared a painful reality: what it feels like to be a barren woman. And then, secondarily, their journey has been so long. We bonded deeper through so many years of waiting.

Most couples wait somewhere around nine months for a domestic newborn adoption to go through. Sometimes their wait is as long as two years. But FIVE years is nearly unheard of.

In Ryan and Briana's case it was nothing they did or didn't do personally that caused this unending wait. It was simply bad timing and location. They happened to choose an agency that was seeing no movement. They had a shortage of birth mothers and too many couples. Dozens of couples were waiting those five years with their agency and only a handful became parents.

Less than a year ago, the decision was made that they should leave that agency and try a different one. It was a decision that was met with much prayer, fear, and hesitation. We talked at length about it, and I talked at length with our Because of Isaac board members as well. Finally we decided they just had to switch despite losing some money in the process. This wait was just too painful.

That ended up being all it took. Within days (maybe a few weeks?) of making that decision, they were chosen by a birth mother through their new agency.

And the rest is history.

And that history is spelled: C-A-L-E-B.

Here's the thing I didn't know or understand or foresee ... 

I had no idea that walking them through this process would stir up so many memories deep inside me. The night before their birthmother signed the papers, Bri and I talked at length on the phone. As she went over all the emotions of sitting in a hospital room watching the clock tick by, my heart was suddenly reminded of what that wait felt like. I was talking to her and I got choked up. I started crying. I haven't cried over infertility and adoption memories in a very long time. But I could remember so vividly how excruciating it was to be at the mercy of someone else -- with your only option being to wait. And wait. And wait some more.

It is hard to believe that it was in May of 2008 that our little Isaac finally emerged into the world. I won't bore you with the whole story as many of you may know it well (and if you don't, you can click here to be reminded), but I will say that there were moments of that story I hadn't thought about in a long time.

Specifically ...

I will never forget standing outside the nursery window. Isaac was on the other side of the glass. There he was. There was our little boy. My body yearned for him, and yet the nurse was shaking her head, telling me that I couldn't go back and see him because I wasn't the mom. I remember feeling so resigned. I remember thinking: Of course I'm not the mom. I'll never be a mom.

And then suddenly Joan was arguing with the woman on my behalf and the door was opening and they were bringing him to us. And they were saying "No pictures" but Joan wasn't listening and I just couldn't bring myself to hold him first. I was just too emotional and so JB scooped him up, and it was just like this burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was like all the years of trying to have a baby sort of bubbled out of me.

Joan snapped this picture:

I didn't show anyone this picture for a long time. I'm not sure why. For some reason it just felt too personal to me. Looking at it made my heart just cry, and I kept it hidden in the back of a photo album. And then, at some point, I can't remember when or even who it was, but a friend did some snooping and found my hidden picture and she told me I had to share this with the world. That it really explained what the pain of infertility and the miracle of adoption felt like in just one quick photo.

Here's the other very cool part to this story. My friend Joia took some newborn photos of little Isaac. From what she can remember, this was the first time she took photos for anyone in a "formal" sense. Here is just one of her cute little pictures:

And here is a picture of Joia and me with the little boy who changed my life forever:

This story goes even deeper because it is Joia that just so happened to live in the same town that Ryan and Briana's birth mother was delivering. And she just happened to have a little mother-in-law apartment that they could use. And she just happened to still be taking pictures. (And man, she's always been good, but she has gotten simply ... amazing!) as you can see!

Here are a few more pictures Joia has taken. I will share more as Briana and Ryan share them. I want to give her the opportunity to present her little boy at the speed she feels lead: 

I don't know exactly what Briana is feeling. Her adoption story wasn't exactly the same as mine. But I mostly know her heart right now. I know what it feels like to have that pain just filled up and bubbling over. Adoption doesn't heal infertility. Infertility pain will always be with me and always be a part of me, and I had to grieve the losses (and sometimes I still do). But my little Isaac just filled us up so full. Here are some photos that really stir my heart when I look back at them:

I'm still processing all these emotions ... I encourage you to stay along for the ride!

Ryan & Briana: "HE turned our mourning into JOY!! Caleb is OURS!!"

I was counting minutes.

Counting hours.

Until 12:30EST.

When Ryan and Briana's birthmom was supposed to sign the papers.

And make Caleb their son forever.

They have faced SO MUCH disappointment. 

Five years of waiting.

And two second place finishes.

And then the text came in.

And I tried to do a video to send to Ryan and Briana.

And ...

Well ...

I'll let you watch for yourself.
(Excuse my messy self. I had just come in from feeding the animals.)

I have walked alongside my cousin and his wife for close to six years.

And I had no idea what this moment must feel like for them.

But I can sort of imagine.

Because as their Caleb came into their arms ...

My heart remembered so many emotions from our own adoption of Isaac over nine years ago.

I have a lot more to write.

But for now, a few photos:

My Heart Runneth Over

In September of 2012, our second Because of Isaac couple "went live" on our website. Today, their little boy was born. They have named him Caleb and they should be leaving the hospital as a family of three sometime tomorrow. Please pray for this family and the birth mom who is placing her son in their arms. 

Because of Isaac Update

It is official: induction for Ryan and Briana's son will start at 7pm this evening!

I received word that they are about $2,000 short for their adoption funding. We weren't sure exactly how much they would need so we have been guessing. I put a post on Facebook that we needed $2,000 more. I received a nearly INSTANT message from a previous donator.

Listen to this.

She had written a check for exactly $2,000 and mailed it this past Saturday. It should arrive today or tomorrow. I am not kidding. Can you BELIEVE THIS?

We also got another donation for $1,000 within about 30 minutes.

God is so amazing!!!

Stay tuned for baby news!!!!

When my heart overfills with God's goodness

Let me tell you a story.

Many years ago -- sometime back in 2012 I think -- I approached my cousin and his wife about being our next couple through Because of Isaac. Ryan and Briana Huisman.

They had been married a number of years. Bri was a midwife. And all she had ever really wanted was to be a mom.

We had to raise $25,000. And we did. All along the way, Bri would doubt that the money would come in, and I would tell her how the details are easy for God.

And they are. He proved himself faithful. The money came in without many issues at all.

Money raised, they began to wait. And they waited. And waited. And waited. Months went by. Then years. Their agency was seeing nearly no birth moms come through.

I kept telling Bri that God had a plan. And maybe I believed it. But sometimes I wasn't so sure.

Two times they were almost parents. But they finished second in line. Two times they came so close only to not be anywhere closer to being a dad and mom.

And then they waited longer.

FIVE
LONG
YEARS
THEY
WAITED.

At some point, a decision was made to switch agencies. We needed to raise about $15,000 more.And we did. Again. Details. Easy. God can take care of those things.

And then about two weeks ago, at long last, word came in. They were chosen! A birth mom had picked them. And their little miracle is due to arrive early next week.

But there was a catch. Birth mom was going to deliver in Kansas. Ryan and Briana lived in Colorado.

As I worked to plan an online shower for Bri, God proved faithful again. So many people -- strangers -- getting them things that the needed to make this adoption happen.

She and I were texting late last night -- much later than I am normally awake. I told her she should get a photographer to be there with them when they met their little boy. And she told me it felt so hard because she knew no one in Kansas. She and Ryan were going to have to go to an unknown city and stay in a hotel for a week while they tried to become a dad and mom.

I remembered our adoption for Isaac. How hard it was to be in another city -- and that was a city I knew with family galore.

As we were talking, I told Bri I would try to see if I had a connection  in Kansas. I kept thinking the birth was in a certain city, but as we finished texting, I asked her what city in Kansas it was just to confirm.

She said the city name.

I said the name out loud to myself.

I flopped down on my bed, exhausted, and started racking my brain. I started composing a Facebook post where I tried to find someone in that city that could help them.

And then ....

I bolted upright in my bed.

JOIA?!?

Didn't Joia live in that city!?

I am not a Kansas professional, so in the midnight hour of my brain, I started thinking maybe it wasn't the city where Joia lived. Maybe I was making it seem like she was that city in my mind. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But they were up.

I texted Joia. She responded. Yes. It was the same city!

Oh and did I tell Joia is a photographer?!

And Joia has a little apartment in their basement that they allow people to stay in when they have a need in their life. It is two bedrooms. A bathroom. A kitchenette!!!

And Joia -- my friend from way back in Eglin AFB -- I don't say this lightly. If there was ONE PERSON in my life that I would WANT to be THE person to be there with Bri if I couldn't be there, it would be JOIA! This ... babies and care taking are her gift! She truly is perfection when it comes to situations like this.

And she's in the same city!!

Joia and Bri have already exchanged emails. Ryan and Briana will be staying with Philip and Joia and their three kids, and Joia will be able to be there to take some photos of the birth. She has already arranged a pack-n-play and infant tub and swing and other things using her community in Wichita.

And as I flopped back down on my pillow, utterly spent, I couldn't help but think:

GOD
YOU
ARE
SO
COOL!

He has everything in his control -- even a detail like this.

I am in awe of how awesome my God is. Briana will be able to come home to a home with her little son. And be with someone who can care for her.

And she just happens to be a photographer.

Online Shower for Ryan and Briana Huisman

After eight years of marriage and FIVE years waiting to be matched as parents, Ryan and Briana are having a baby boy!!!! Unlike some parents who have nine months to prepare, this amazing couple has only a matter of weeks. Their little man will be making an appearance August 8th (or sooner!)

I really want to help the amazing couple prepare for this incredibly exciting time in their life with an online shower. Whether you know them personally or not, would you consider purchasing something off their registry to try and help make this transition even smoother? Every small item will help make this excitingly overwhelming time easier. Ryan and Briana have ZERO things for a baby. When you deal with infertility for this long, you don't fill your house with hopeful items. You empty it of any reminders.

IT IS TIME TO FILL UP THEIR HOUSE!!!!!! 

Simply go to BABIES R US  and type in their registry number: 59759202.

You can also search by Briana Huisman as well. 

They live in Windsor, Colorado which you will see on the registry.

Because of Isaac INCREDIBLE ANNOUNCEMENT!

The following was written by Briana -- one of our Because of Isaac couples. 

This is probably the most exciting announcement I have EVER had the pleasure of making. 

Have you ever waited for something for so long that you lost hope it would ever happen? If you’re there right now, can I just tell you: There.Is.Hope. God has not forgotten you. He has not abandoned you. If you have a desire in your heart, it is there because God placed it there. He will fulfill it because He is faithful. You just don’t get to know when or for how long it will be before He fulfills it.

Ryan and I set out on this journey to adopt 5 years ago. Our home study was approved 4 years ago last month, and I remember feeling so hopeful and confident it wouldn’t be long before we got “the call”. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I just knew God was going to make my dream come true. 

What was sure (in my mind) to be a short wait turned into months and those months turned into a year. One year turned into two. Two years into three. You get the idea. By about this time last year, I felt the last embers of hope fading. I could no longer imagine getting that call, and I even lost my obsession with knowing where my phone was every second of everyday. Those were some very dark days, if I’m being honest.

God surrounded us with people who helped us through the longest, darkest nights of our wait. They encouraged us, cried with us, and lifted us up. You know who you are. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

Our story doesn't end there...HOPE was just around the corner. Thank you, Jesus!! 

We are so happy to announce that we are matched with a beautiful expectant mom, and expecting a precious BABY BOY in less than a month. Our hearts are overwhelmed with gratitude and love for this gift of life.

In the days and weeks to come, would you pray for our expectant mom, S, and for the sweet little boy she carries. And pray for us, as we endure this final stretch of our wait. This will undoubtedly feel like the longest few weeks of our lives.

I hope our story brings a renewed sense of hope to those of you in the thick of it. He is faithful, even if you lose hope along the way.

Awesome Because of Isaac Fundraiser

I had the incredible opportunity to meet a fellow adoptive mom online during the last year. She was going during a challenging season, and I was able to follow along and join her in prayer and encouragement. When we held our BOI auction, she donated one of these pictures below to our auction. Megan makes these incredible 16x20 images. 

Take a look at some of the ones she has made below:

This is actually the one that was a surprise Christmas gift for me from my friend Julie! I am so excited to get this framed and up on the wall. It is truly one of the most precious gifts I have EVER received.

I have had some of you ask me about getting one of these when I recently posted it on my Blog. Megan and I talked and came up with a plan. We have partnered to do a Because of Isaac fundraiser. We aren't sure how long this will last. It will all depend on how many orders come in and how well Megan can handle what comes in. 

These pictures are $50. This INCLUDES shipping! For each picture she does, Megan is going to donate $20 to Because of Isaac. Interested? 

You can email Megan directly at: mbbattista@gmail.com. 

If you have any issues, please let me know!

BOI Update

I wanted to let all of my Blog readers know of some developments with Because of Isaac. One of our couples: Chris & Renae had to withdraw form their adoption. Due to a job emergency they were forced to changes states which is a huge issue in adoptions. They have decided to just stop the process for now. We are very sorry to see them have to withdraw, but they have one adopted daughter already and we are blessed that they are finding peace with their little girl.

In addition, Ryan and Briana Huisman, who had raised all their required money for their adoptino through Bethany Christian Services, have decided to change to another agency which costs more. Their agency in Colorado has had very little movement, and after waiting three years, they really can't see that their adoption story is anywhere close to coming to a close. They have thus decided to take their application to another agency that is moving much faster (but is quite a bit more expensive.)

We at BOI have decided to help this amazing couple continue to fundraise. The amount they need seems daunting -- $17,000 -- but we know that God is quite possible.

I ask that you consider a first or additional donation for this amazing couple. They have gone through so much heartache (including finishing "2nd place" in two adoptions that they thought might close this chapter on their story.) They truly just want to be parents, and we truly just want to help make this happen for them. 

We have not updated the BOI page yet, but you can view their profile here.  Please send any donation to: 

Because of Isaac

875 Pilot Mountain Road

Bulls Gap, TN 37711

Because of Isaac welcomes new little one!

I LOVE when I get the opportunity to share this news. One of our Because of Isaac couples -- Kevin and Tessa -- have met their forever son this evening. Please join me in celebrating the SIXTH child to find their forever family through our organization!!!!

Introducing: 

Carson Allen Yawn

TODAY is Amazon Prime Day!

TODAY is Amazon Prime Day. As you are taking advantage of deals PLEASE go to www.shopforadoption.com. All you have to do is click on "Amazon" and then you go about your regular shopping -- all while we get a percentage of your purchase price. This is due to a wonderful family who have a heart for adoption. They donate all of their associate earnings to our organization!!!

Please spread the word!

Because of Isaac Auction Opens!

Our online auction is open! Please click here to hop over and bid away!!!!! We are so excited by ALL the wonderful items up for bid. Our signature item a pet portrait donated by Sharon Graham Smith. For a current or past pet in your life!

Because of Isaac Auction

Hey folks! Our Because of Isaac auction launches Wednesday, June 1st at 8am. PLEASE take a moment to look around your home or rack your brain for anything you could donate. You can click here to check out the 55 items that have already been donated. Email me at flakymn@hotmail.com.

Because of Isaac Fundraiser

Like Pampered Chef? Please take a moment to check out our current fundraiser for Because of Isaac by clicking here. 

Because of Isaac Fundraising Opportunity

I have an awesome opportunity for you to help raise money for Because of Isaac. 

This is something everyone can do with very little effort at all. If you shop Amazon, you can help raise money!

When I lived in Minnesota, I made a dear friend who was stuck in the infertility ditch with me. She and her husband, Chad, have since adopted an adorable little boy and have a heart for adoption. 

Recently, Chad contacted me with an amazing fundraising opportunity. 

Chad is an Amazon Associate. This means he has his own link to Amazon. If you use HIS link before you shop on Amazon, Chad gets 4-8% of the sales. The fluctuation in the amount is because he gets more if he is getting more sales.

But here's where it gets awesome. Chad is donating 100% of the money he gets to our organization!

This means that for every $100 you spend on Amazon, we will get somewhere in the neighborhood of $5. And that's it. That's all you have to do. There is no catch. It costs you nothing but one extra mouse click.

All you have to do is go to: www.shopforadoption.com  and click on the button that says: 

"Amazon Home Page"

You will then be directed to Amazon.com. It will look like it always does but any purchases will be recorded in Chad's account. 

I am asking everyone who reads my blog to please consider using this link. It is one extra step that can be an amazing fundraising tool for us. PLEASE spread the word. Like their Facebook Page (Shop for Adoption) and hop over to the webpage.

Feel free to email me at: flakymn@hotmail.com with any additional questions you may have.

Because of Isaac Announcement!

It is with the greatest of excitement that I announce the FIFTH child to be placed in a loving family through BECAUSE OF ISAAC. A huge congrats to JOEL & CRISS who are now the proud parents of Sophia. While we did not raise all of the funding for their adoption, we did come close to raising $10,000 -- a large portion of what they needed to bring this little girl home. THANK YOU to all of you who made this dream come true for this family!