Here is the short of it:
I currently have an "adjustment disorder."
That may sound fancy, but Kim told me that today, and it really helped explain to me what is going on.
Back in March, I came face-to-face with the facts that my way of coping with life was NOT working. Unlike some people who are doing that coping through alcohol or anger, mine was much harder to see. But it was there.
And so now I am healing.
But in the course of that healing, I continue to have good and bad days. Although, honestly, it's more like good and bad weeks. But each time I get into a "rut", my Jesus shows up to help me get out of the rut.
It happened again this morning.
Other than a little break in the sadness when we were on Kiawah Island (which I think was just a special gift from God), I had been going on about a week and a half of hard stuff. No one is worried about this except me. My "team" (which includes John, my counselor, and four trusted humans) doesn't worry.
But I do. I get so AFRAID of going into the depths of despair. Even as I write this, the fear gone, I can try to tell myself not to fear the next time. And yet the next time comes, and I fear again.
But this morning, the Lord brought FOUR people to me AT THE SAME TIME who said the EXACT same thing to me.
It started with one friend telling me that I didn't have to "perform" for her to be my friend. She was JUST my friend.
John then came into the room where I was crying. I told him that when I got like this, I felt so useless. He said the exact same thing my friend had just said. He said: "Wendi, if you were paralyzed, I'd still be your husband even if you could do nothing."
Sidenote: being paralyzed has always been a huge fear of mine. While John always said "as long as I can read, I'm good", I always said: "Do NOT let me live like that."
Then my cousin messaged me with nearly the same message. And an aunt. I don't have to BE or DO to be VALUED. If all I could do was lay there and drool, I have VALUE. EVERY LIFE HAS VALUE.
But did I believe that?
If you would have asked me, I would have said that I did. But somewhere, inside of me, my value was connected to my USEFULNESS. I have to be USEFUL for you to be my friend. I can't just BE your friend.
MIND.
BLOWN.
As I sit here typing, I'm realizing even MORE clearly how true this is: always. I always had to DO something to be "present" with someone. If I babysat, I couldn't just babysit. I had to clean vehemently. If I had a friend, I needed to give to them equally or more than they gave to me. I needed to help my teammates with their schoolwork so they valued me. I needed to go the extra mile ...
... and I didn't require a pat-on-the-back for these things I did. (Although those are nice.) I simply did it because I needed to do it to find my value.
Not only did four people confirm these things for me, but then, I had a counseling appt. scheduled for today (that was supposed to be tomorrow but got moved to Tuesday.)
HOW MANY TIMES CAN GOD SHOW UP BEFORE I TRUST THAT HE WILL SHOW UP?
Apparently, one more time is what I need ... always need him to do it the next time.
Mannnnnnn....
I am learning so much and very fast. But it is simply EXHAUSTING. I am so PHYSICALLY exhausted from this journey. I really am not battling depression here. I am battling HEALING FROM BAD THINKING.
Not sure what he plans to show me next.
But I'm hoping I get a few weeks off. :)
