We got a kick of the eye-liner that Sidge had trouble getting off after his Nutcracker stage experience. He did not like make-up, and was really frustrated at how hard it was to get it to come off.
The guys (Tijmen and Sidge) have been hunting for the first two weeks of Tijmen's visit here without much success. However, today, Tijmen got a dove! Super exciting. Here are some pics:
I love this young couple. I love seeing young people striving to live for Jesus and as He has asked us to live. It is never easy, but it is especially hard in this era when truth is so relative and sin is so rampant. Are you willing to strive to do what God has asked? It isn't easy by any stretch. But there is a remnant. There are young people striving, still. Don't lose hope in humanity. There is still hope in our fallen world.
Gabe & Maryah are planning to marry in the summer of 2026. And then, they are planning on living on our property. Gabe is renovating the old "2/1" (as we used to call the old 1900 farmhouse on our property) in preparation for their marriage. We are calling this property "Greene Gables" now. Gabe presented us a business opportunity. He fixes the house up for free. We pay for supplies. And then he has a five-year-lease to reside there for free. We are so proud of the hard work he has done on the property. I've got to get some photos of before and after to post on the Blog.
This weekend, they came over to visit the little lambs. I'm not sure what I love more: Maryah loving the sheep or the fact that Gabe bought Maryah Carhart overalls for her gift!
I also captured some pictures of these two backstage with their sisters/soon to be sister-in-law.Here is that snap:
I love community. I love the people that help our life be filled. We all require community. Do not live alone!
I love the uniqueness of my children. I love how they have each found the person they are and the things that bring them joy. Sidge loves hunting/outdoors/biology. Isaac is so into music and collecting Hot Wheels cars. The Pomegranate has always been so crafty and so good at baking and details. And Abigail has a real eye for photography. Check out some of her recent pictures, below:
This article will break down Episode #48 on The Place You Find Yourself podcast. This episode is entitled: Episode #48: You Need More Than God.
This episode really jumped out at me because, truly, it's part of my journey. My whole life I really believed that if I did things according to a formula, I would have success. And I honestly believed all I needed was God.
Don't get me wrong. This is not about not believing in God. This is not about thinking He isn't enough. But it is about realizing that God designed us to need people.
Please take a moment to jump over and read the following essay by Sam Jolman: "You Need More than God".
"It's a common struggle I think most of us feel at some point in relationship with God. That God just isn't enough. Somehow we have this sense that God should be enough for us. That if we loved him enough or prayed enough or spent enough time with him, somehow he'll be enough for our hearts needs. This is God we're taking about after all."
The thing is: God gave Adam a helper! God decided that He (GOD) was not enough!
That message hit me HARD.
All my life, I've been thinking "God is all I need." But it isn't true! God designed us for community.
In the midst of the worst of my breakdown, I started picturing myself just laying there with my head on Jesus' lap. I would just lay on my bed or in the grass in the front yard (when I could get there) and picture him doing this:
This essay really spoke to me. It's okay to need more than God. That is OKAY! God gave us people. He designed us to need people? Do you have people? You don't need a lot of people. But you NEED people!
"Just to be clear, we need God too. We need God more than we need anything else. But we don't need only God. We need a whole lot of other things. Of course it all comes from God. It all points to God. But it's not all God. And that's by design."
We are doing our third Nutcracker. We did one in 2021, 2022, and now, 2024. This year, all of my children and our dear friend Lily are in the play. The older three are in the party scene with Lily. Little Pomegranate is a mouse. We did a dress rehearsal on Friday evening, and then today, we did a dress rehearsal (including make-up) and this evening will be the real show!
I'll post some more pictures this evening too. What fun!! I love these opportunities for our kids.
In this episode, Adam talks to Aundi Kolber, author of the book: Try Softer.
I could relate, so early on, to what Aundi says about white-knuckling. For such a long portion of my life, I was able to white-knuckle my way through nearly everything. However, when she had children, she realized, I can't just force my way through things. This is why I believe my breakdown happened when it did. Being a parent brings everything to the surface.
There is a great cost to survive our past. Can we honor that? Can we honor the person who did so much just to still exist? That is sacred. This means talking to ourselves in a kind way. You aren't a burden, Wendi. You are worth healing.
"I didn't know how to listen to my own needs or the rhythms of my body, consequently, when stressful times arose, I dealt with them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."
Ohhhh, does this statement resonate with me on so many levels. I have said this often on my Blog, but I had no idea how to even acknowledge what I was feeling. I had no idea how to put words to what was inside me. And, in fact, I don't think I was even aware that there was something inside of me that needed to be looked at.
My exhaustion right now in life is so incredibly present. Just a little bit of socializing, and I feel knocked on my butt. Where is extroverted Wendi? Is she gone forever?
Maybe.
But more likely, this new Wendi is just learning that she has limits. She needs rest. She can't just push through her limits at all costs, all the time.
We deal with stress by trying harder.
Pressing on.
Pushing through.
Power up when the going gets tough.
Especially when we are anxious or disregulated or fearful. This book, will offer an alternative way of responding to our bodies when we are stressed.
Try Softer is a framework, and one of the primary goals is to learn how to pay compassionate attention to our experiences. Can you actually witness yourself? Can you think about thinking? Can you observe that you have an emotion? When someone says something to me, I notice something in my stomach. Instead of pushing it away, can we notice it? Can we think about that?
In order to try softer, we have to attune to what is happening in our own body? We have to have awareness.
Wendi's initial response was always to push. And this often resulted in, eventually, exhaustion, depression, and anxiety.
The question we should as ourselves is: "What do I need?"
Our culture, in general, does not teach us how to do this. Your internal experience matters. How I am with myself matters. How I am with myself in pain matters. The information your body is giving you, matters. Your body is giving you a MAP! Why won't we look at the map?
WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
I have been learning so much about the window of tolerance. This is operating within our limits. If we exceed that limit, we will go into flight, flight, or fawn. And going off-line, means we can't pay compassionate attention to ourselves anymore. Aundi discusses how this understanding changed her life. This is what I want to echo! This has majorly changed my life! I am now so aware of what is happening in my body. I can feel that I am not doing well. And I can see that I need to pay attention and get myself back online. My pre-frontal cortex has gone off-line. I need to get back online!
"When stressful times arose, I dealt wit them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."
The shame is the internal conflict that says something like this: You got to push through this. Keep working. Keep going. People are depending on you. They need you. You need them to need you.
And somewhere, there is a voice inside you that is saying: I am tired. I need a break. Can we not?
And the shaming part will kick-in hard again. It doesn't want to allow you that freedom. Do you think people will be there for you if you don't do this thing?
There is a part of us that is protesting the pushing. And now, for me, a new part of Wendi has emerging. And she is turning in on the shame voice.
Wendi, as a very little girl, got very strong. And she did all the things. And she was known for that, just like Aundi in the podcast. She was known for powering through. She was always there for people. She didn't drop the ball. She could handle anything and everything.
Until suddenly, my body forced me to admit it was no longer working.
Aundi points out, when referring to the study of the stories of our lives that:
1. Your personal story (in your family of origin) is not just a concept. It is written in the neurobiology of your brain.
2. Your personal story refers events, emotions, ideas, sensations, and relationships that you've experienced.
3. Those events, relationships, experiences, are inscribed in your body and they affect how we seen the world.
All of those things are actually affecting our physical bodies! And this has proven in neroscience. Our experiences changes our brains and that creates a filter for how we see the world.
If you grew up in a home that you did not feel safe in any way, your brain must prioritize danger and threat, there are significant alterations to our brain. We, as humans, have a natural tendency to scan for danger. But if you have grown up in a home where there was danger or a threat, turn that volume up. If that hasn't been repaired, that is what we are carrying with us. What we pay attention to, shapes our brain. So if you are continually on that look-out of: who doesn't like me? who doesn't love me? then you are missing the sunsets and the look on your children's faces.
We live in our world where we do not name or recognize our grief. There is a cost to not being able to see the goodness of the world. And it is worthy of grief. The willingness to look this in the face, will allow you to have a new tenderness and compassion and kindness ... for yourself.
"Learning how to be with our stories, in our bodies, without becoming overwhelmed by or numbing our past experiences, is the way we will learn how to actually handle and move through the grief and anxiety that come up."
What does it mean to be with our stories?
If you are in a survival brain, you can't see with any noticing or space. There is only reaction.
If you stay in your WINDOW OF TOLERANCE, then you have the capacity to notice. You have the capacity to be with your story because you are healthy enough to do that.
Does vulnerability feel like a "threat" to your body? It shouldn't! To ask for help should not feel like weakness! This can be because, for me, for someone to see I was weak, presented a threat to me.
We are building, little-by-little, the safety to say "I'm vulnerable." It can start small. With your spouse. With one friend. It may not have been safe for the child to have needs. But you are no longer a child. However, your body is wise. It's been down this road. It is trying to protect you. Your nervous system is working properly by distrusting.
I must show myself that I am safe. That my friends are safe. That my husband is safe. God is with me. Your body must begin to believe that it is possible. And that will help your system not be so locked up. Your system can start seeing the truth.
You may feel that there is no one there to be with you. It may be just one person. You may have to take a small risk.
"In order to try softer, I have to be aware of what I am feeling in my body."
Before Wendi could respond to her anxiety, I had to figure out how to get my pre-frontal-cortex online. This part of our brain will shut down to protect us. What do you do when you pre-frontal-cortex shuts down and goes off-line. The further we are outside of our window of tolerance, the least likely we are to have any reflection or capacity. Or even to notice.
My cousin Cara was the first one to teach me about this. I'd be on the phone with her, sobbing. I couldn't see the truth! Where was it!? Why could I see it yesterday, but now, I can't believe the truth. Where is the truth? Come back to me!
Cara would say, "You can't see it when you are in it. That's okay. I'll speak the truth for you. You just hang on until you can see it again."
I didn't understand at that point that what she was doing was being a surrogate cortex for me until mine started working properly again.
Sometimes you can get so far out of your window and you are so far gone. GROUNDING is a great way to try to get back into the present moment. Pay attention to something you can actually feel. Take your shoes off. Feel the grass. Hold a rock. Notice the weight. Try to bring yourself back to reality. When our bodies are really disregulated, it is a way of almost leaving ourselves.
Each time you do this, you are making your muscles stronger. And each time, your body will believe you a little more. We are teaching our bodies to tell the difference between past and present. That was in the past. We are now in the present moment. This moment is actually safe. Do you see the grass? Do you see the sun? Do you see the threat? And our body says, "Ohhhh, it IS in the past."
Be vulnerable.
Be real.
Be open.
Be honest.
I love Jesus. I will always be a Christian. But ohhhhh how I have learned what a screwed up message the Christian church has given us over the years.
I am not sure where this bad message originated from. I do know that the incorrect messages seem to be widespread amongst adults. It does feel (and I have no scientific evidence to back this up) that these messages are improving. That many of the Christians (I speak mostly of those in America) appear to be giving their own children a different message.
I truly pray that is the case. I pray that we begin to teach our children the truth about Jesus. These truths include the following:
1. You do not have to DO anything for Jesus to love you.
2. And, on the flip side do not have to PROVE your love for God.
3. Sin separates; but forgiveness is close at hand.
4. You are not alone. You are not the only one. Satan attempts to isolate us and make us feel that we are the only one struggling. We are all struggling in life. Everyone! Some people have found better ways of coping, but in the end, we live in a sinful world.
5. God is intentional. He is so, so real and so, so sovereign.
These are just a few of the things I have been feeling and of course, this is only what I am observing from my very narrow perspective.
I do know that the following is true from most of the Christians I am currently encountering:
1. Counseling is no longer seen as "only for the really crazy."
2. Being real and honest and vulnerable is more accepted.
3. Understanding the gravity of "trauma" is shifting to the forefront of people's minds.
4. Grading sin "levels" is seen as less and less appropriate.
5. Grace is making a comeback.
Of course, again, I really have nothing to back that up. Only a "feeling" I have through encounters I am experiencing with other Christians both online and in person.
As I have made myself more vulnerable and shared some of the intensity of my past, I have found that the flood gates appear to be flying open. So many women are reaching out to me, asking me, sharing with me. Could they benefit from therapy? Is what they are feeling the same as what I went through? How do I know? What do they do next? What is EMDR? What is story work?
It truly feels like there is a revival occurring. Suddenly, all these mental breakdowns or "mid-life crises" we have heard about in people in their 40's and 50's actually make sense to me. Her body has had enough. Her body has decided it will no longer allow itself to be abused. It is time to stop the madness.How does she stop the madness? Is she the only one experiencing this madness? Please, let the madness stop.
I refused to look at the madness. I truly didn't see it. I couldn't see it. Until my body threw up its' hands and said, "We refuse to move forward. We cannot move forward. You have run us in to the ground. And in order to save your life, we are going to collapse on the floor and refuse to work. We will stop eating. We will barely function. And you ... will ...
LOOK
AT
YOUR
PAIN!
I, now can say, without hesitation and in a vehement fashion, that I refuse to live as I have lived.
I will never go back to the prison of my past.
And, even bigger than my own pain, I refuse to allow my children to inherit the living that I was doing.
(It's why, I believe, children are so integral to our future in society. It is only truly in loving someone else completely selflessly that we can see the depth of our pain and what this generational sin is doing to upcoming generations.)
I am also determined to provide my children with "The Big 6" in their lives. This means that I will strive, with every fiber of my being to be:
1. Attuned to my kids.
2. Responsive to my kids.
3. Engaged with my kids.
4. Helpful in teaching and encouraging them to regulate their arousal.
5. Strong enough to handle the emotions of my children.
6. Willing to repair after any mistakes I may make (either real or perceived).
Our children need this! They demand this! I don't care if you are 20 or 40 or 60 or 80. It is not too late to look this in the face. There is a reason why old people become incredibly crabby and disgruntled as they age. There is a reason why they scream and fret in their old age.
The crap of the previous decades has gone somewhere. It is in their body. It will be in your body. Do you want to let it live there?
If you are dealing with any of the following things, there is a good chance what you are feeling is truly not physical.
Don't get me wrong. The pain is real. The emotion is real. The struggle is real.
But going after it from a physical side may not actually add up to much.
Instead, going after it from a mental side, might make all the difference.
If you are experiencing:
1. Depression ...
2. Anxiety ...
3. Physical pain/body aches/sensations without a known or clear cause ...
Your body may be physically reacting to something that is actually mental in origin. That was the case with me. I actually think that my migraines and my anxiety and depression was all the same thing. It was all my body's way of attempting to alert me. It was attempting to deal with the stress I was putting on it.
And I refused to listen.
(Actually, I had no idea that I needed to listen.)
I am so excited about participating in Adam Young's year long conference. I am so excited to get this opportunity to heal in community. We have a group of eight local women that are going to do this together. If you are interested in this conference, please do not hesitate to reach out to me at flakymn@hotmail.com. Adam's Podcast has played such a massive part of this journey.
