Akeelah and the Bee

"Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of Joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30

On Sunday as promised, JB and I found something completely un-Mother's Day like to do. We try to avoid any place that we will find flowers on blouses ... and a dark movie theater, after considering the alternative: outdoor activities in cold and rainy weather, was perfect.

I wanted to see something upbeat with a happy ending. That left Poseidon as a no-go. It's a re-do so obviously, we know how it ends. It also left the 911 movie as a no-go. Unfortunately, the ending to that movie has also been written. So after crossing out "downers", it all came down to Ice Age II or Akeelah and the Bee. JB loves the website: Rotten Tomatoes which presents an overview from movie reviewers across the United States. This website definitely favored Akeelah, so we had lunch over at Ajit and Sujit's house (their aunt was visiting and promised great Indian food. She did not dissapoint) and then headed to see the movie.

First of all, it was a GREAT movie. I strongly suggest it for people of all ages. You will love it. Every teacher should show this movie in their classroom. However, despite the happy ending, when the movie was over I started crying, pretty hard. We thought we avoided that by avoiding the "downer" movies and here I was, seriously, crying ... hard. It took me quite a few minutes to put into words what that movie made me feel and share it with JB.

One of the sub-themes of this movie is grief, and mid-way through the movie, I was hit with quite a strong epiphany. I realized that no matter how our own personal story turns out, what I am dealing with is grief. Obviously, you can't compare grief. Each situation is completely different. However, what we are dealing with is, quite simply, grief. I have mentioned before that I had a lot of guilt when the Tsunami hit that I was so busy worrying about my empty womb when mothers had lost children. My Aunt Jan put me in my place when she wrote, "You can't compare that grief. Those mothers got to hold their babies and you haven't." This hit me quite hard, and I realized that while the grief is different, my grief is justified and fair.

If I were a mother who lost a child due to illness or an accident, that would be the end of the story. There is no getting that child back. The child is gone. Forever. I would not be able to pray for things to change. Things would be as things were and I would have to learn to live with my grief, heal from my grief, and replace my grief. My grief would never dissapear, but through faith and hard work, I would grow and survive.

The truth is, EVERYONE dies. EVERY SINGLE PERSON, unless Jesus returns before they die, will die. And for nearly everyone who dies, people are left behind to grieve and to learn to deal with that grief.

In my situation, the grief is slightly different because I am believing that my grief will actually be eliminated. However, I realized (and for some reason, this hit me during, of all things, Akeelah and the Bee), that however this turns out (and don't begin to think I am losing hope and faith), we are dealing with grief. That grief requires acknowledgement, education, and healing. Something that JB and I have been working on together. That grief requires knowing that no matter what, we will survive.

We have all seen people eaten up by their grief. I am saying right now that I REFUSE to be one of these people. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I REFUSE to let grief run my life. That is not to say that I will not have rough times when the grief is powerful. However, I will take that grief and learn from it and heal from it.

Yesterday, when we got the news on our blastocyst, I got very upset. Then I realized that this is grief, and while it is okay to grieve, the morning brings new prespective. JB was so wonderful. When I got home we put on one of our relaxation CDs that the psychiatrist recommended. It was awesome. 45 minutes later I woke up with JB long gone and the CD over. I don't remember making it through ridding the tension from my shoulders!!! If you have stress, I can recommend some GREAT CDs. I woke up feeling wonderfully refreshed.

Speaking of that grief which we are believing, may very soon turn to joy, I have had many questions about our "sticky babies" as my friend Tara playfully called them. JB and I have lovingly adopted this phrase. We felt we needed to call these embryos something more than embryos so now they are sticky babies. Has a ring don't you think?

I wanted to take a few quick moment to answer some of the questions I have been getting:

1. Will you use all of your embryos? Absolutely. That is the reason we only fertilized 14 instad of all 21 eggs. We consider each sticky baby, a baby.

2. What if something were to happen to you before the embryos were used? This would be up to JB. He could choose to either donate these to another set of parents via the snowflake program or ask a surrogate to carry our children. Being as they are 100% him and I, I would imagine he would lean toward the latter, but since I will be dead, I really won't speak much on this.

3. What if something were to happen to JB before the embryos were used? I would use all the remaining embryos. No question.

4. What if something were to happen to BOTH of you before the embryos were used? The embryos would be left to my brother in my will. We have asked that he donate these embryos to the snowflake program for a chance in the womb of a couple unable to use their own sperm or eggs or both. Many couples have a problem with both of them or they would prefer to have a child 100% not their's genetically instead of half their's genetically.

5. Will you ever do a "retrieval" (egg harvest) again? At the beginning of the IVF journey, they encourage you to come up with a "game plan". Our current game plan (which we reserve the right to change) is that if we do not conceive with our five sticky babies, we will attempt to stay at Mayo for residency and attempt another retrieval. We have not set an end limit on how many attempts we would make. That would be based on much prayer and discussion with the doctor. If we conceive ONE time, we feel that we would probably not do IVF again. If we only had one child and were out of embryos, I do not think I would be quick to go through egg harvesting again. If we wanted to grow our familiy, we would consider adoption if we had had one child.

6. When will you know if this transfer worked? I will have the results to share on May 28th.

7. How soon would you return for the additional embryos? We have no immediate leanings on this. If it does not work, I would imagine we would return for 2 more sticky babies fairly quickly. If it does work, we will return when we feel we are ready to add to our family again, probably 1-2 years from now.

8. Will you continue this blog after IVF? I have NO plans to stop this blog. In fact I look forward to it changing directions slightly when we add one or two children to our family in nine months.

I hope that clears up some of your questions and let's you in my new epiphany of grief. I know many of you out there are dealing with your own grief for a variety of reasons. The Lord is with us in grief and will be with us always. He will be with us and in the morning, he promises joy.

Blastocyst news

As I had explained earlier, we currently have three frozen embryos. They froze 3 and kept out 3 embryos, 2 of which they transferred on Friday. The weakest of the three is labeled a "blastocyst", and if it survives, they freeze it. Blastocysts have higher implantation rates as they are "further developed".

We had been told in the operating room on Friday that our blastocyst was "not doing cartwheels." I called today to check on it and spoke with the embryologist. He told me that the blastocyst had died over the weekend. He was very kind and explained everything to me knowing that this was not easy to hear.

Now this is something that happens inside a woman all the time. Eggs fertilize and don't make it, and we are told that what is happening in the lab is what would happen inside of me. However, it is still very surreal and I unexpectedly started crying -- not only that it had died but that we now only have 3 frozen instead of our hopeful 4.

If you write me or talk to or call me, please just remind me to focus on the 2 we have right now inside of me. I do not need to be worrying about something that we may not use for years and something completely out of my control. I know that, and the few people I have talked to today have reminded me of that. I have one job: be positive, upbeat, encouraged, happy, etc. Okay, maybe that is more than one job, but you get my point. We must look forward.

Who wants to play pro ball?

As some of you know, my cousin Justin, who is my Dad's brother Bob's brother, is a professional baseball player. Being as I grew up in South Florida and my cousins were in the Chicago area, I didn't know them all that well. When Justin's brother Josh moved in across the street from us in Franklin, Kentucky, we instantly caught up on twenty-something years of life and Josh and Sarah and JB and Wendi became the best of buds. This then, reconnected me with Josh's older brother Jason and younger brother Justin. Since Justin is into IM (instant messenger) and so am I, we have become good friends, and I have grown very intersted in his baseball career.

A basketball player myself, I really know very little about baseball even though I played softball until my junior year (when my dad convinced me it was a complete waste of my time! He was right of course. My volleyball and basketball were definitely my tickets to college and I was getting hit more than I was doing any hitting in softball.) But through Justin, I have learned a lot.

Justin has had a BIG week this week. So, I thought I would let him tell you about his week in his own words -- from his blog. Even if you aren't that in to baseball, I think you will find it very interesting and educational. So here it is: the life of a professional baseball player in five minutes or less:

I'm writing this blog not only to tell you about my interesting year so far, but also one thing you may or may not know about the pro baseball life. First of all, I love playing baseball for a living. There's nothing else I'd rather be doing with my life at this moment. Obviously, cause if there were I'd be doing it right? The myth about getting drafted into pro ball is that you're immediately rich or making a lot of money. I get many comments from old friends that find out what I'm doing and start saying "seems like you're doing well for yourself" or "looks like life is treating you well." Now some players who get drafted high get a lot of money in bonuses, but most players don't get that much. And what they do get goes directly towards paying off college debt, buying a car that they'll need to get around with, or the first month's rent at the apartment they end up in for the new season. Most college senior signs either get a pat on the back and a good luck, or maybe $1000. As far as during the season, here's what I made money wise in my first few years of pro ball. In short-season A...$850/month. Low A...$1100/month. High A...$1200/month. AA...$1500/month. Second year of AA...$1700/month. AAA before getting called up...$2100/month. Now for all you math majors, do the math for that amount over only five months. Cause we only get paid during the season. They don't pay us anything during the month of spring training. Now when I made it to the big leagues, that's when if you go back to the minors you start making a salary more similar to what you'd get with a normal job in the real world. Unfortunately, when you start making that much, that's when your career starts hanging in limbo. That's when you may start bouncing around many many teams, whether due to trades, free agency, or getting released and just trying to find a team to pick you up and give you another chance. Cause although they pay their big league contract guys crazy amounts of money...for some reason, they are very cheap with minor league players and look for any way possible to save an extra buck. For instance, when I was sent down from the big leagues to AAA, we were on the road in Detroit. KC had to mail me the rest of my baseball stuff from my locker back in KC. Well, when I received my pay check a few days later, I saw a deduction for $12 for USPS. They charged me for shipping my stuff to me!!! I guess they needed the extra twelve bucks to help pay for Sweeney's 12 million that year.

Ok, here's my interesting year so far. All off-season and during spring training, I wasn't happy with KC. My agent and I tried many times to get permission to talk to other teams who may be interested in me. See, you have to have been playing for six full season before you're allowed to do that, and I wasn't a free agent for one more year. But they continuously said no. This made us think they liked me enough to not want to lose me. Well, a week into the year...and after pitching very well in spring training....they released me! After holding me down, they let me go! And at the worst possible time of the year to find a new job, since the season just start and most rosters are full. Well, apparently the head of minor league operations let me go without even getting permission from the higher ups that were telling me they liked me and didn't want me talking to anybody. Now whether that's true or not, we'll never know. Cause that's another beauty of pro baseball....they lie all the time! Thank God I found a new job with Houston in less than a week. It was a miracle. Getting to Round Rock, Houston's AAA affiliate, they told me I'd pitch a lot here. They lied. We ended up having way too many pitchers there in the bullpen and none of us were getting enough work to stay sharp and do our best. I only threw 8 innings in a month, which a normal reliever gets at least 12 to 15. We had 13 relievers when you're only supposed to have 12. Not only that, an injured big league pitcher rehabbed with us and was coming off the Disabled List last friday. So all of us knew that they had to send someone down from the big leagues to make room for this guy. Which meant that one of us could be....sent down to AA, sent to what we call the "phantom DL" where you're said to be injured when you're really not just to make room on the roster, sent to another team via trade, or sent home! And the beauty was it could have been any of us! We had no clue. I figured it would probably be me, just because I hadn't pitched much, I didn't do all that well when I did pitch, and I was the new guy. So they didn't know as well as the other guys there, so it'd be easy to let me go. Well guess what happened, during the third group of batting practice...sure enough, the pitching coach called me off the field and into the office. I asked him if this was bad news, and he said not really. So I'm thinking, "alright, I'm not going home. Am I going to the phantom DL?" Well, I get in there and the manager says he just got off the phone and I've been traded to Seattle. At first I was in shock, then I realized something that makes this story a little funny. We were in Tacoma, Washington.....the AAA affiliate of the Seattle Mariners! And I had just pitched three innings against them the night before!!! Apparently, Houston owed Seattle a player from a previous trade, they sent them a list of guys, and Seattle picked me off that list. So anyway, I got dressed back into my street clothes, packed my baseball things, and WALKED ACROSS THE FIELD INTO THE HOME CLUBHOUSE! Now I've seen many crazy things happen to players, and I've even heard of something like this happening to someone....but how crazy is it that this happened to me! Anyway, that's my story so far this year. Stay tuned for the next episode of Where's My Career Going in just a moment. Ha!
Justin

Happy Mother's Day

Well last night we decided to go over to Ron & Ebby Ray's house to watch a movie, have dinner, and just hang out. It was good for me to get a change of scenery and lay on a different couch. I seriously do not know how people go on long-term bed rest like our friend Kristen Spielman during her last pregnancy. Just two days, and I really can't take it.

The Rays have four children: English, Veronica (a.k.a Victoria), Hunter, and Cole. I can always count on Veronica to take some pictures for me when she is around. Here are a few of Veronica's snapshots from the evening.

JB making a dish he created early in our marriage: Cheesy Chicken Marinara. It was delicious! We also had Cole's favorite (NOT!) -- broccoli. Also, JB is wearing the Iowa Cubs T-shirt that he got at Justin's game after the kid behind him dropped his hot dog down the back of his Air Force shirt.

Tara stopped by for a bit to watch "Red Eye" with us. This is Tara (left) and Veronica (right.) Now that I think about it, Veronica couldn't have taken this picture. Oh yeah, I took this one.

First of all, Kevin, is STILL a weird name for a cat, but I really love this cat, and for some reason, this cat loves me. No one made this cat crawl up and nuzzle his face in my neck. I think he knew I was too sick to bother him while he laid there. Kevin is very cool!

Ronaldo being Ronnie. Did you know Ronnie's middle name is "Eugene"?

We were hoping to stay and watch another movie at the Ray's, however, I had lost steam, and we headed home. My biggest issue during the last 36 hours has been major GI upset. We aren't exactly sure where this has come from, (medicine, surgery, pregnancy etc.) but it has left me most uncomfortable. Hopefully this will pass soon.

Now, that I have shared with you the events of last night, I have a few other bits of news to share with you.

• My cousin Justin was traded again. He is now with the Seattle Mariners and is playing for the AAA Tacoma Rainiers. (I have no idea what a Rainier is by the way.) Now the funny part of this was that Round Rock Express was playing the Rainiers when he found out he had been traded. So, he literally walked across the field during batting practice and changed uniforms. Justin promised he would write a blog to explain all this, and I got some message that he did write it and lost it. Sounds fishy to me! Just kidding Justin. Hopefully, I can provide you with an update in Justin's own words sometime soon.
• Some of you know that know me well or know the Huisman side of our family, may be familiar with the story of Erica Van Zuidam. If you are not, there is a link to her webpage on the right side of my blog. Erica is my cousin Josh's wife Sarah's first cousin, and she recently lost both her hands and feet to bacterial meningitis. The News-Gazette in Champaign, Illinois did a huge story on Erica that was on the front page two days in a row. You can read Part One and Part Two. In addition, the local Christian Radio Station did an interview with Erica which you can also read entitled: "God's Shining Star". Feel free to drop in and read Erica's whole story from her yourself.

Well of course, the obvious is that today is Mother's Day, and of course, I have to wish my mother, JB's mother, and all of our grandparents a Happy Mother's Day. As usual, JB and I do not attend church on Mother's Day. For one thing, our church combines Mother's Day with baby dedication Sunday -- neither of these are an easy thing to be a part of. You want to remember your own Mother, but when they are giving flowers to all the mothers and they leave you out, it can be difficult. Or when the whole service is about the joys of motherhood, it can hit a nerve.

What's so weird is that this year, we might possibly already be parents. We sort of, are, already parents. My Aunt Janet wrote me an email and told me that she couldn't call our embryos "embryos" and had to call them "babies". I repeated this to JB, and he said that he felt the same way. They are children. So we are parents. Nonetheless, we decided to stay home. We wanted to do something outdoors today but the weather is so cold and rainy that we instead may catch a movie or something else together, to celebrate our wonderful marriage and our hopeful "babies". STICK GUYS STICK!

I also wanted to add a thank you to my wonderful husband JB. While I write this, he is cleaning up the kitchen, doing the dishes, and cleaning up my messes. He has waited on me hand and foot during the last week without one complaint. He said that if he didn't have to work, he could totally be a "house dad/husband" which kind of cracked me up. However, tomorrow, when we both try to go back to work, things will get a little challenging so pray that I get the strength to do things and that he has the patience to help me over the next few weeks.

Mish Mosh

Well there are so many things to share, that I am not exactly sure where I should start today. So, excuse the randomness of this blog. I just don't have the energy to strive for too much of a theme today.

I guess I can start with that, my energy. After lying down the WHOLE day yesterday, I have found that walking to the bathroom now gets me out of breath. I wanted to try and stay down all day today but am growing frustrated with that idea. So I am sitting and lying a lot, but trying to take some occasional field trips. About a half hour ago I took a field trip to the garbage chute down the hall. Good times! I also took a field trip to the kitchen to take a picture of the flowers we have received. Here is the picture I took:

Now JB was not overly impressed with the picture. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I wanted a picture of my flowers. He gently and lovingly reminded me that the pulled out sofa bed in the background that I have been lying on and a barrage of needles and medications would probably not make for the best picture. I didn't disagree but explained that I lacked the energy to move things around. "People will get the idea," I said.

I don't think JB completely agreed with this assumption and instead, he decided to take a picture that more appropriately presented the flowers we had received.

Below, I present my husband, the Artist's photo. Please don't vote and tell me whose is better. I may be drugged up, but I am not a moron. I realize his photo is better, and I am okay with that. However, I didn't think mine was so bad that it shouldn't be included on the blog.


Speaking of flowers, the tulips are out in full bloom here in Minnesota. On our way to the hospital on Tuesday, JB took this picture of the tulips. Aren't they beautiful? He took a picture of me in front of them, but I feel that they are prettier without me in the photo considering my disheveled look.

Speaking of the tulips, they are having a hard time right now. They are having a hard time because it FREEZING here! I mean, it is seriously, freezing. They said we were going to have snow flurries last night. Snow flurries. On May 12. Our superintendent, Ed, told us that they turn on the air conditioning in the building from May 15-September 15. I realized that the air is on a measly FOUR MONTHS and the heat is on for EIGHT. Are you kidding me? To make matters worse, Ed came by to tell us that due to the snow, they were delaying the start of the air. Unbelievable.

Okay, all this talk about cold got me to thinking about the best cold there is! Yes, you guessed it. A Dairy Queen blizzard with chocolate ice cream and double oreos. Can't beat it. Like I had said yesterday, I have not been eating desserts. My friend Kelsey decided to do this with me and made it, like four days. She came in to work and told me she blew it. I figured, "Oh, she grabbed a tiny chocolate bar and ate it." NO! She blew it with a blizzard! That requires getting in your car and driving to the ice cream shop. I don't consider that "blowing it"; I consider that "carefully planning to blow it."

Well, back to my blizzard which was definitely a pre-calculated "blowing it". This first picture is right after JB handed me the blizzard. He even got me a bigger size than I usually got. Please excuse how "been sleeping all day" I look in this photo.

This second picture, below, was after I had taken a few bites and calmed myself down a bit. Notice though, how unbelievably happy I still appear. I do have to admit though, that I was unable to finish the blizzard. There is still some in the freezer waiting for another attempt.

Speaking of crappy food, JB and I have been eating a lot of it. There is something about being at the hospital two out of five days and requiring the chef (a.k.a. JB) to also be the dishwasher (a.k.a. used to be Wendi but is now JB) that brings out the fast food in us. However, the night before my second procedure, the amount of quick eating had gotten to us both, and JB decided to make a great fruit salad.

We've both come to realize that pictures of food aren't exactly the best, but nonetheless, here is a picture of the fruit salad complete with mango and papaya. Very good.

Okay, onto other news ... the news most of you have been seeing on the TV and emailing me about. The conjoined twins. To answer some of your top questions:

1. Yes, JB has met the twins. They were on his floor when he did his pediatric rotation. However, at the time, they were trying to keep the news media out of it and so, while JB told me, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Quite tortureous. He watched them being pulled up and down the hallway in their redwagon which many of you may have seen on the web or on the news.
2. Yes, he knows a lot of the doctors in the photos and on the news. I am sure most of his classmates have met many of them as well.
3. Yes, their surgery started about the same time as my procedure, but no, we didn't see any of it because they were at St. Mary's and I was at Methodist. They do not perform any IVF procedures at St. Mary's because St. Mary's is a Catholic hospital and, Catholics (on the whole) are against children being born without a husband and wife having sex. Now this is obviously, a whole 'nother blog that would take me way too long to get into right now. However, needless to say, I don't agree with them. And if we end up having a child or two from this procedure, I am assuming my child would also disagree with them. Either way, the conjoined twins were at St. Mary's, about a mile from where I was at Methodist.

If you have fallen off of the face of the earth and do not know what I am talking about, just google "Conjoined twins" "Mayo" and you will get a ton of hits that will provide you plenty of pictures. However, here are two. The second one is a favorite of mine because this is the chapel at St. Mary's that I love SOOOOOO much. It is just so peaceful and wonderful, and I just love that photo.

Okay, well I warned you this blog would be a mish mosh and a mish mosh it has been. However before ending the mish and the mosh, I must comment on the controversy currently surrounding American Idol. Yes, you guessed it. I am talking about Chris Daughtry getting voted off. America, trust me, I was as shocked as you were. And now, they are claiming that some of the calls meant for Kris actually went for JB's girlfriend Kat McPhee. (Just kidding JB, geeez, relax! Everyone knows it's a joke.) Also, if JB gets mad about me putting a picture of Chris on my blog, I will just have to respond with putting up a picture of Kat and call it even. I'll even find a picture of Kat in that yellow dress she wore. How 'bout that?

Okay, so that's about it. I think we may go over to Ron & Ebby's tonight. Ron called and thanked JB for wanting to make cheesy chicken marinara. I don't think JB was thinking of cheesy chicken but Ronnie certainly was so cheesy chicken it is. I told JB I could go with to the grocery store if I could ride in one of those little buggies. He asked me if I meant the ones with the streering wheel and the car around them. No darling! Not the one for five-year olds. The old people's buggies with the little cart on the front.

Speaking of old people, I have gained a new respect with how frustrating it is to not be able to walk fast. It takes me FOREVER to get from place to place. The scenery is the same for so long, I just can't wait for a change. JB says he is getting weary of walking with "Pokey Wendi". I am hoping getting out of the house will help renew me energy. We will see.

Mish Mosh signing off. Adios!

We are back (by the blonde)

Well, this is Wendi and we are back. JB was going to write but decided that getting me food was more important. I am hungry! And I need my blizzard!

Where do I start? Well I guess I start with getting to the hospital. I walked across the street to Baldwin where we picked up a wheelchair and traveled the rest of the way to admissions. Here are some photos on our way to the wheelchair. I apologize for how pale I look. For one thing, I have, obviously, not been feeling well. For another thing, it is FREEZING today. They are actually projecting flurries tonight. Is it not May 12th!?!


Well here we are in our room. This was actually the room next to the room we had on Tuesday. JB said he was glad. That other room was bad luck. He went into it fertile and went out of it infertile. Or so we thought ... keep reading for mor information on the whole "JB has a sperm issue" issue.



Below is a picture of our friends Lesley (left) and Tia (right). Tia was just getting off overnight call on OB. Lesley was just coming on her shift. Tia told us to page her when we got in, we did, and they came right over. It was great to have some visitors while we waited to get started.



Okay, right after that picture above, they gave me a vallium. This was quite an amazing drug and this picture below kind of cracks me up. I was feeeling quite relaxed when this photo was taken. I really don't have a clear recollection of this photo. I was falling asleep continually and kept getting woken up to check my arm band, answer questions, etc. I was also excited when I saw that same lovely OBGYN resident that was with me on Tuesday. JB said I told her how much I liked her.



Okay, now a lot happened between the picture above and the picture below. We were wheeled into the operating room, and they started prepping me for the procedure. Now here's where things get interesting. The embryologist came in and he explained that we had 9 eggs fertilize, 3 didn't make it possibly from a sperm binding issue, but the other 6 that fertilized did NOT require ICSI.

Of course, JB was asking all these questions. We discussed the questions I wanted answered ahead of time because I knew I couldn't remember it after I took the drugs. So JB told the embryologist that Dr. C had told us they had to use ICSI. The embryologist went to talk with Dr. C who came back in apologized. He was wrong! They hadn't used ICSI at all! There was no sperm issue! We still aren't exactly sure about all this and might talk to the doctor about this again in the future, but JB, now says that our new room is good luck because he came in infertile and left fertile! Holy cow!

The actual procedure was relatively painless and fast. They put a test catheter in which didn't hurt at all because I had had the cervical dilation. Then they called the embryologist. He comes in with our two embryos and we get to WATCH THEM FALL INTO MY WOMB! This was so much more emotional than I could have ever imagined. Maybe it was just the drugs but I started SOBBING, and I think even JB was pretty moved. Then they went in and checked to make sure that the embryos didn't stick to the tube. When the embryologist says "all clear", we are done!

Then they wheeled us back to the room. Here is a picture after we got back to the room.

So now I am home. We actually took the wheelchair back home around 10:30 instead of having Tara pick us up although Tara came over to hang out for a bit. We talked for awhile and then I fell asleep while Tara was there. I didn't wake up until after 3:00. I had a bout of nausea but it passed and otherwise I am doing well.

We are very excited and amazed. They spoke with me a lot about good positive thinking, reducing stress, etc. so we are really working on this. We have some cognitive therapy CD's that will help me relax over the next two weeks before we go in for the pregnancy test to see if those little babies stuck.

We were blessed with flowers from my buddy Kristi -- "A peace lilly to give us peace" and some flowers from the RLS Foundation at what they pray is my "first of many mother's days". Wow! We also got a gift from our friend Bara today. Bara it is soooo cool. I think it is a Syrian wedding garment for me and JB? Is that right Bara? JB said he wants you to give him some more history of the gift.

I'll put some pics of our gifts up on the blog tomorrow. THANK YOU FOR all the emails and scriptures. They are great! While I haven't able to respond to everyone, we are so blessed ...

We are off

Last night I posted on Hannah's Prayer asking for some feedback on how a transfer works. I got a lot of comments and advice and stories. Here is what I think I know:

• I know we have to be there at 6:30 a.m.
• I know I am not supposed to empty my bladder (but have been advised by my posting friends to empty a little if I can).
• I know that JB can come in with me.
• I know that we are going into an operating room.
• I know they are giving me drugs that will leave me awake but quite a blonde!
• I know we will be able to see our two fresh embryos on the monitor. (I cannot WAIT for this).
• I know that I am going to eat chocolate oreo cookie blizzard tonight to celebrate (I have been off desserts for quite awhile).
• I know that for the two weeks that follow I am on a lot of restrictions, and I will gladly follow all of them. I am not even allowed to vacuum!
• I know that my stomach is currently VERY sore. I have been told this can take a few weeks to get better as my ovaries are very swollen and need to return to normal size.
• I know I am already tired of lying on the couch. I am not a couch potato. The next two weeks of minimal activity will not be easy so I plan to jog to relieve the stress. HA HA! Gotcha there, huh? I'm just kidding. No exercise. And even if I wanted to, I can't. My hubby yells if I walk too fast! :)
• I know that I am worried this will really hurt because my stomach is so sore already.
• I know I will get to talk to the doctor and get an update on our embryos and our surprising sperm issue.
• I know I have the best hubby in the world. He has been waiting on me all week and has really taken care of me. I know that he loves me despite the fact that I, well, we both have infertility issues! Imagine that.
• I know I am very excited!

Thank you for all the positive comments yesterday. I am trying to be positive, faith-filled, and hopeful. Sometimes it is hard because I am scared, but I know that the Lord is faithful and He knows the desire of our hearts. I also know we have a LOT more than two people praying, and I am also blessed that we have a total of 3 tries. I have so much to be thankful for. Great friends, family, Savior, husband, the finances to do this, being at Mayo. And that's just the icing.

I think, since I will pretty doped up, that JB will update the blog when we return home sometime toward lunch. I think our good buddie Tara (a.k.a. "the chauffeur") will pick us up again. Yo Tara! You rock.

I also wanted to share one email we received this past week. We have received tons of emails filled with thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. They were all great. I got an email from my grandparents yesterday that made me laugh so hard as they told me that they were too OLD to wait TWO weeks for the results! I was just rolling. I know G & G!!! I am too old for it too. Isn't it HORRENDOUS!?!?! What's with that anyways. When I told my friend this she was impressed that my grandparents are on the computer and checking a blog. You two are younger than you know! Even our friend Sean, who's in his 20's didn't know what a blog is.

Speaking of Sean, I got an email from our friend Sean too; it was not only comforting but hilarious. I thought I would share it with you here as I close and head out.

Hi Kits!
Just wanted to say hello and wish you the very best today. I pray that everything goes smoothly. One of the neat parts about medicine is getting to meet parents and kids of all different kinds. I know that you will be two of the very best parents and your children will be loved dearly and very lucky to have you as parents. (And so, without further delay, I'm filling out the paper work so that you could adopt me.)
: )
Peace, Sean

Now, I won't even add here that Sean reminded us the other day that he wasn't even able to drive when we started dating and has made numerous comments about us being old. I know that isn't what he meant. Right Sean?

Okay, back to the hospital. Hopefully this will be the last time for at least nine months!!!!

Time is set for Friday

Update: The nurse called and they have moved my time back to 6:30 a.m. I also talked to her how about I was still not feeling well. I went to work today but only for about three hours before I was too tired and hurting too much. She said that because I had so many eggs, my ovaries are very swollen which is why I am still so uncomfortable.

I also wanted to answer two questions that I have been asked a lot.

The first is when will we know if this worked. The answer is about 2 weeks -- around May 26th or 27th.

The second question is if I will be on bed rest at all. This is kind of a "debate" in IVF circles. There is no required bed rest, however, I will pretty loopy after this procedure (they give me meds to relax me), and I plan to try to take Friday at least and stay off of my feet. I will also try to stay off my feet for most of Saturday as well. They say it can't hurt even though it might not necessarily help. I also have a lot of restrictions over the two weeks that follow until the pregnancy test including no vacuuming, no lifting, no exercise etc.

Either JB or myself will try to update some time tomorrow although there won't be too much to report. We will simply see them drop the embryos in and then wait!

I'm sorry that all my posts are about IVF stuff lately. I promise that eventually, our blog will begin to offer some extended variety. Maybe, just for my cousin Josh, I can get JB to make some comments on peanut butter again. Josh really seemed to bond with that post.

But I won't be talking about IVF and infertility everyday. In fact, our friend Bara has promised to do a guest blog next week. But for right now, IVF is really the only thing I think about and so, that obviously comes out in my writing.

We got the message on Wednesday afternoon. 7:00 a.m. Friday it is. We go in first thing Friday morning to transfer 2 little embryos into my womb. We will actually do this as an ultrasound image is up on the screen so we will actually see the embryos dropped in. How awesome is that?

What's hard to believe is that those 6 embryos are fertilized babies! It is so hard to remember. As JB said, as of Friday, he is saying that I am officially pregnant. Of course I am not pregnant unless the embryos hang on. We just need those two little embryos to stick to the wall. They have ONE job -- STICK! I am thinking they can pull through and do this for us. But we, technically, have six little children. It's all so surreal.

I spend quite a bit of time on Hannah's Prayer. It is an online discussion board for all aspects of infertility. When I posted my results today, I was a little down, but Jenny Saaki who is the founder of Hannah's Prayer wrote me this quick post: "Wendi, congratulations on being a Mommy 6 times over! Praying for you and these precious little lives." I also got all kinds of other encouragement including: "I am really sorry about the surprising news in the middle of all of this Cycle!!! However I prefer to look at the brighter side... Six is a great number!!!! Congs on your precious babies. Praying for' you, dh and your precious babies!!!" Another post read: "God bless you Wendi. Still hoping and praying for your success with this IVF. As hard as it is, please try to not focus on all the details. It is easier said than done, and I certainly did not practice what I am preaching to you. Try as hard as you can to let go and let God." And then, "Praying for you and your six little ones -- it's an incredible feeling to know that you and your husband have children!!! Focus on that this week."

These comments were amazing to me. Do we have children right now? In a sense, yes. As I said, it's quite a confusing feeling actually knowing we have already conceived. Weird.

I don't know why but seeing these posts made me cry. (Well most everything is making me cry lately). I've never been pregnant, never been a mom, and for the first time, I feel so overwhelmed with these 6 embryos. JB and I are not selfish. If out of the six, we conceive one time, I will be blessed beyond measure. One is plenty for me. We always wanted a lot of children. JB's senior "prophecy" said that he and his wife Wendi would have a house full of little "Robbie's" (Robbie is JB's youngest brother). Now I don't want my daughter to look like Robbie or anything (no offense Robbie), but just one child and not a houseful would make my heart rest.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't want this quite so badly. Sometimes I wish that I was just okay with a family of two. But I want it more than anything. I remember one of my aunts telling me when I got married that there were two occasions in your life that you would remember forever: your wedding and the birth of your child/ren. I remember thinking: what if I never get to experience that? Of course, I know I am blessed with my wonderful husband, but we so want to include our own flesh and blood in the equation. At one of my bridal showers someone gave me a baby bootie and told me I'd get the other one and find out who knitted it, when we had our first child. I want to get that other bootie.

I know the Lord has us in the palm of His hand. I know He will take care of us and bring us to a place of peace. Please pray that I have peace over the next few weeks. I just want peace and I want to be positive. It is hard to be positive when you are scared. You want to be positive but don't want to get your hopes up. How do you do all of that? I don't know.

I just know I am so blessed by all the people praying. Please keep praying for me and our 6 embryos. Also pray that I am positive and upbeat and quit trying to protect my heart by not getting hopeful. I was talking to a great friend today -- all the non-hoping won't stop your heart from hurting when disappointment comes along so why not hope and be positive.

Thanks for loving, encouraging, and praying. It means the world to me. Thanks for listening to my words and understanding. This blog is very healing to me. Even if no one else reads it, to be able to see my growth through the storm is so wonderful.

Wendi returns

UPDATE: Well .... our results are in. We have a total of 6 embryos out of 14 that fertilized. Now if you remember, I was praying for 8 to 10 so this was a little dissapointing for me. JB is not really dissapointed at all. He was very happy with the 6. As he has said from the beginning, "The Lord knows best." If we are to get twins the first time, 4 more waiting will seem like a lot. So on Friday, they will put 2 in me, and we will have 4 frozen if everything goes as planned.

Now, where our update gets intersting is that when the doctor called and told me the results, he also told me they used ICSI. ICSI stands for: "Intracytoplasmic sperm injection." Basically, not only do I not ovulate correctly, but it appears something is "wrong" with the sperm as well. We aren't sure exactly what this means, and the doctor said he would give us more information when he sees us on Friday, but to make a long story short, when they put the eggs and the sperm together after the retrieval, they didn't fertilize!!! We had agreed beforehand that if ICSI was necessary they could use ICSI. ICSI means that they take one sperm and one egg and basically FORCE them together. However, we NEVER realistically thought that that would be the case. All the tests had come back great for John since the moment we started this process. But Dr. C said that the only way we would discover this "Sperm binding" problem is to actually do IVF. It wouldn't show up on any of the tests.

I took that a little hard and cried quite a bit. JB couldn't figure out why I was crying. I explained to him that basically, all of our attempts at artificial insemination were pointless. If we DID get the right number of eggs, it didn't really matter because they weren't fertilizing anyway! Ugh! Now of course, my reasonable husband said, "What does that matter now? We are doing IVF now and with ICSI, none of that matters." This is very true. He also said he was almost glad because now, when I got upset, I couldn't tell him to "leave me and go find a fertile wife" (which I have said a few times)! Now, the problem is shared.

So that's all I know right now. The transfer of 2 of these 6 embryos will be on Friday and we will have 2 additional chances after that. Like I said, I had hoped for more, but we have to trust the Lord that 6 is a perfect number for us. Even though I am a tad dissapointed, we could have ended up with none fertilized so 6 is good. :)

________________________________________________________

Well I am back posting on my blog. I saw JB's post. Didn't he do a great job? I truly don't remember him taking that picture of me eating toast, but I suppose, if it's there, it did happen. Other than that, there isn't much more I can tell you that he didn't already cover.

I can tell you about how yesterday went after we got home. Our lovely friend Tara drove us home, and then Kelsey stopped by around 1:30. I had a long conversation with Kelsey, and I was feeling great. Midway through talking to Kelsey, I started to fall asleep while sitting up. I went to lie down and slept from 2:00-6:00. I talked to my mom on the phone and my buddy Kristi, all the while feeling pretty good.

And then the pain took off! JB said they shoot air into me when they are doing their thing, and it was causing intense cramping -- at least a 6 or 7 on the infamous pain scale. Add to that that they actually have to cut me open, and I guess that explains my discomfort. To make matters worse, I could only lay on my left side. My right side caused cramping when I tried that and my back was not even slightly possible. Only a seat in our recliner really turned the cramping down a few knotches.

Around 8:00 JB gave me first shot of the progesterone, and I almost passed out. I still am not sure why. It didn't hurt that bad, but I was just having trouble standing and taking deep breaths due to the cramping, and I felt like I was going down. Poor JB had to help me with everything.

My night was quite long. I woke up about every two hours to go to the bathroom and take another pain pill. However, by about 3:00 this morning, the pain broke slightly, and I was even able to sleep on my right side some. Right now it is about 7:45, and I am feeling considerably better. I may try to do a few things at work, but I will just have to see how I am feeling after lunch.

I will update again in a few hours when we get an update ourselves on how our embryos are doing. Keep praying for those tiny little embryos to fertilize!!!

Today is the day!

Wendi's alive! Whew! (I just wanted to assuage any fears you may have had)

So, this is John (a.k.a. JB). Wendi is resting now, so I have been given the responsibility to inform everyone of what took place. I'll take you through the morning, but if you just want the results, you can scroll down.

Here is Wendi as we leave our condo - ain't she cute?

This is us on our way walking to the hospital. It's a reflection in a glass building.

So we arrived at the hospital at 6:20. We checked in and sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. Wendi's abdomen (no not the stomach - that's a digestive organ :) ) was pretty tender... I can't see why! They called her name, loaded her in a wheelchair (which she was very thankful for), and we were taken to our room.

Very relieved to be on a bed after the walk to the hospital.
(Just so you know, I said I could drive her over, but she wanted to walk outside!)

We hung out in the room for about 3 minutes before the nurse came in and asked Wendi a barrage of questions: any allergies to meds? any prior surgeries? any adverse reactions to anesthesia? where is kuala lumpur? rate your current pain? etc...

Then they took her temp, weight, blood pressure, heart rate, and respiratory rate, and then they took her to the pre-operative area. Now Wendi did not quite understand what was actually happening. She thought she was going to talk to the anesthesiologist and then come back to the room. I knew she was leaving for good, so I was a little surprised when she left without saying a word. I was putting something in her bag, looked up, and the room was empty. Now, I was really okay with that, but Wendi found herself being assigned a new bed in the pre-op area, and was like, "Ummm, am I going to see my husband before I have the surgery?" That is why I got called to pre-op about five minutes after I was abandoned.

I went down there and saw Wendi looking perplexed and worried saying "I won't be getting a general anesthesia?" She saw me and said, "I don't want to feel or remember anything!" The anesthesiology tech said that she would be getting more than a light sedation, but not as strong as general - basically completely out of it, but not needing to be intubated (breathing tube).

Wendi said she doesn't remember much. Being wheeled into the OR. Everyone talking to her and messing with tubes and stuff. A really sweet OB/Gyn resident holding her hand. Seeing the doctor. The anesthesiologist saying that he was going to make her more comfortable. Waking up in the hallway wheeling back to the room... and me! :)

Post-op. Wendi had to eat and drink before they would let her take a pain pill. The meds were still in her system, because she doesn't remember eating anything at all - but this toast is the proof!

We waited in the room for quite a while. Wendi was in and out of sleep for about an hour. The nurses came and took her vitals and said the doctor would be there in about 20 minutes. About an hour after that, the doctor came, apologized for being late and gave us the number of eggs retrieved....

Drumroll please...

21 eggs retrieved! We were hoping for at least 14, so this was great! I'll let Wendi explain the rest of the process when she is feeling up to it.

The doctor left, Wendi got dressed, and I rolled her downstairs. Tara, a classmate of mine (and a really good friend to Wendi), is on her research block, so she had some free time to pick us up to drive us home. However, Wendi said she needed to make a food run for some Chinese first.

Here is Wendi and Tara waiting for the food.

And here is she back home safe and sound, with Chinese food... minus 21 eggs.

(Oh - and Kuala Lumpur is in Malaysia.)

__________________________________________________

Well it's 5 a.m. If you prayed for me to sleep well, I appreciate it as I slept pretty soundly from 10:30 to just a few minutes ago. Dave and Lesley came over last night for our usual date: watching 24. They brought muffins from Pannakooken and prayed for us before they left. We really love them!!!!

I can hardly believe that today is the day. I was so frustrated back in January with how long we had to wait and now, the day is here, and it seems like we haven't waited that long at all.

I don't know many details about today. I know we are supposed to check in at 6:30. My guess is that the procedure will start around 8:00 a.m. because it is usually 36 hours after the trigger shot, and I took my trigger at 8:00 p.m. Sunday night. I have no idea how I will feel afterwards or how groggy I will be. I hope to return to work tomorrow so I am hoping I am not too groggy.
I am a little concerned with how my stomach will stand up. I have had such terrible cramping for the last few days but my tylenol with codeine has truly helped to relieve that. Unfortunately, after midnight, I can't eat or drink anything so please pray that the cramping eases up.

I think JB plans to update the blog later on today so check back for more news sometime soon. And keep praying as we will be checking in to the hospital on Friday again ...

THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS!!!! KEEP THEM COMING!!!

Thank you friends

I just wanted to post a quick thank you on my blog. Today has been one of the longest days of my life. I have cried many times and have taken a very healing nap! JB went out to get me the only thing I could think of to eat -- a grilled cheese sandwhich from Culver's and a fruit smoothie from Inta Juice. Unfortunately, when I am bothered by something, my appetite is the first to go and that is definitely the truth today. I am not hungry and nothing sounds good, and after midnight tonight, I can't eat again.

After just working a few hours at Mayo, I have been mostly at home today, resting, working on a scrapbook for English's graduation, doing a little work for RLS, and attempting a few chores as my body permits. JB is trying to help me by doing some laundry and cleaning up. Our house is not a pretty sight right now. But as I have been at home, every time I go to check my email, there is someone else sending me some sort of encouraging words, scriptures, a list of people they have asked to pray etc. I AM SO BLESSED by everyone's encouragement. I have heard from people I haven't heard from in months and years and people I have never met. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you what a comfort it is to know how many people are praying for us and this procedure.

If you think of it tonight, I would just ask you to pray for me to have peace. My biggest "peace-issue" has been the number we have chosen to fertilize: 14. I had always said that if we didn't end up with enough frozen, we could just go back and do this harvesting again. But after the last month of shots, migraines, stomach aches, pills, blood draws, and ultrasounds, I really don't feel like I could do this again. So this puts me in a panic. What if they fertilize 14 and only 1 takes or only 3 take? Of course, this is a non-issue. We picked 14 many months ago after much discussion, prayer, and thought. JB has assured me that no matter how much I second-guess things, he will not sign the paper to change the number! So that's that. And even if we did change it to, say, 20 ... what if all 20 fertilized? Then we have a whole 'NOTHER issue.

Of course, I KNOW this is all in the Lord's hands and I must give him this burden to carry, but, I am sure you all know how hard that can be to do. I am really not scared about the surgery. I am scared about being told the result, waiting to hear how the embryos are doing on Wednesday morning, and waiting the weeks that follow to find out whether the embryos implanted.

Anyways, the reason for my second post in one day (which is unusual even for me) is to say thank you. I have sat in front of my computer and just cried, so blessed by all the great words, prayers, scriptures, and encouragement. I can't write everyone back individually, but you know who you are, and thank you for your prayers and love.

I hope to post quickly before we leave early tomorrow morning. Again, thank you!

Trigger away

Good news for me: last night we took the "trigger" shot which will cause my eggs to start to release. Bad news for me: the needles only held 3 ml and I had to take 9 ml which meant -- you guessed it! Three intra-muscular shots. Poor JB felt so bad. Afterwards, we counted. These were my 32nd, 33rd, and 34th shot in a two week period. My new shots of progesterone will start on Tuesday evening. These will continue for 2 weeks and an additional 8 weeks if I am pregnant. These things are supposed to be the grand-daddy of all shots. I have a friend currently taking them and she is tough! So when she tells me they are terrible, I get a little worried. They are also intra-muscular. Intra-muscular kinda sucks. Since we had to do three shots (2 in 1 thigh, 1 shot in the other thigh), I am currently not able to bend either one of my legs very much. I am quite a site right now.

So anyways, 34 shots, 5 ultrasounds, and 4 blood draws later have finally brought us to tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. The retrieval is timed perfectly so that we go in right as my eggs are about to release.

There are actually four women who will be doing IVF this week at Mayo Clinic, and I met one of the other women in the waiting room yesterday morning as we were both in on Saturday and Sunday morning for blood work and ultrasounds.

The last time I had a conversation with a woman in the lobby of the infertility center, I was sorry I did immediately. She had five children, then got her tubes tied, then divorced her husband, then remarried. Her new husband wanted a child of his own, so, because her insurance covered IVF and not tubal reversal, they opted for IVF. She said to me (and I quote), "I don't know how I could possibly handle all this if I had no children. At least I have my five in case this doesn't work." I nodded and smiled, obviously crushed.

It's hard when you have a fear. It's even harder when someone says that fear out loud. It's almost as if your fear has a "voice" and is "real." When no one says it, you can convince yourself that it is irrational and all in your head. But when someone says it, you realize that your fear is real. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of JB getting called to duty overseas and being in a strange place with no children to spend my days with. I remember once having someone tell me not to worry about JB getting called to duty because I would have children by then. To hear them say that out loud nearly crushed me even though their intentions were very good. When the fear was in my head it was safe. And suddenly, to hear it, it was real. IVF is hard because for us, without a miracle, this is our last opportunity. I feel that it is harder because we don't have any children to go home to. To hear someone say that out loud is even harder than feeling it inside.

This woman yesterday was a little gentler but still oblivious to the fact that we didn't have two children to go home to. She spoke of her two boys and the fact that she only wanted one more and so they were going to give IVF a try. She didn't even seem too concerned if it didn't work.

Now don't get me wrong. I have quite a few great friends (you know who you are) who have struggled with secondary infertility (infertility after you already have a child or children) and I truly believe that this is JUST as painful as primary infertility. Actually I believe that women who get pregnant easily with child #1 and THEN struggle (when they never saw the struggle coming) are hurting just as much as I am. People are less prone to offer you sympathy because "well you have one." They also can't avoid places where babies are present because they have another child to take to the park and the mall and what-not. To the opposite extreme, I think women who have difficulty conceiving #1 will often handle secondary infertility easier because they were prepared for its arrival. For instance, if we were to have a child, we would be prepared for difficulty with #2.

So I know IVF is just as important to these women as it is to me -- well, maybe not the woman who already had five, but you know what I mean. It's just that, to hear them say that they don't know how they would handle this without their children at home to comfort them -- that goes to my core.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. I have a LOT of thoughts floating through my head right now, and they are coming in fairly random. I didn't really sleep much last night at all. JB was so sweet. Everytime I would start tossing and turning, he would just rub my back and talk me through my anxious mind.

Despite my had running a mile a minute, yesterday was a nice day. I did some work at Mayo and then we went over to the Rays and cooked out. Our good friends Tara and Sean, who are both on research and therefore equipped with quite a bit of free time, joined us. It was a great day with beautiful weather. Jb went and saw Mission Impossible-3 with Ron and his kids while I rested at home. He said it was great.

Today, both Jb and I have off. I plan to go into Mayo for a bit just to tie up some loose ends. We also plan to go to the beautiful chapel at St. Mary's at some point just to sit together and pray for awhile. We, of course, believe you can pray anywhere. But we both agreed we could use some quiet and peaceful time to spend together and with the Lord. (I previously captured some pictures of this chapel when we went to hear Tara play her flute there. You can check out this post to see the pictures of the chapel.)

Our 1% excitement and 99% scared feelings continue. Or is that 99% scared and 1% excited? Who the heck knows. I am weary but anxious for Tuesday, Friday, and the weeks that follow. Keep those prayers coming!!!

P.S. On Saturday, we went to see our good friends Calvin and Karen's baby Jadon. We were unable to go visit in the hospital due to appointments, and even though I wasn't feeling very well Saturday we wanted to see him before our hectic week took over. Here is a picture from the visit. JB is actually doing a mini-exam as Jadon has a bit of jaundice. Dad Calvin is a doctor, but he's a surgeon, and we all know (and Calvin admits) that surgeons forget the general health stuff a few years out of medical school. JB said that Jadon will just be fine. He's an adorable little guy! Too cute!

P.S.S. I am also including a picture from this hospital of Dave, Lesley, Karen, and Calvin (with new baby) as I just love the picture and it has four of our great friends in it, and I wanted to share it.

Nuggets of Wisdom

Update: Well, I went in for my blood draw and ultrasound this morning same as usual. I was actually feeling a lot better today as my doctor told me to take the Tylenol with codeine for that pain instead of the migraine pain and it has helped TONS. The ultrasound was still unpleasant, however, we had so many great looking follicles on the right ovary that he spent very little time on my left ovary to prevent unnecessary pain. They like to see at least four follicles that are 18 above. I currently have 6 that are 18 above and about 6 more that are right at about size 17 or 17.5. Basically, we have PLENTY of good-looking follicles. We have a bunch that are close to 17 and by Tuesday morning, even without additional meds, these may very possibly be mature as well. Either way the doctors will take out EVERYTHING they can get, pick the best looking 14 (because that is all we are fertilizing) and fertilize them. I will find out the next morning how those 14 are doing.

The nurse just called and confirmed our Tuesday date. I had JB talk to her as she was giving a ton of instructions and I wanted to make sure they were all correct. (I second guess things a lot). The biggest thing to tell you is that we report at 6:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. It's official.

A few things that I am currently leaning on for encouragement right now:

My Aunt Jan sent me this scripture:

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

My friend Leina sent me this forward (which I normally hate, but I loved this one)!

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF

Reference: LIFE This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.

P.S. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend you may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day, God

And JB, in his brilliance and profound nature, continues to say to me:

"I'm 99% scared and 1% excited. Or maybe it's 1% excited and 99% scared. But that's what makes it so great."

Actually that quote is not spiritual at all. It is from Armageddon when Owen Wilson is getting ready for their trip to outerspace. I'm not sure of the exact quote but that's how JB repeats it.

Anyways, getting ready to leave for our blood work and ultrasound. I'm actually to go in and catch up on a few things at work after my appointment (its like a few minutes walk away) so that I can take Monday and Tuesday completely off. I'll either put a quick update on here from work or have JB put it up when we get back.

Why I was pumped

Update: Well, I went in for my blood draw and ultrasound at 7 a.m. this morning. It was nice because on the weekends, the normal tech isn't there so a fellow (a year away from being done with training) does the ultrasound. This fellow, Dr. A___, is a great guy and is actually in charge of most of the decisions regarding my care. My follicles have definitely grown quite a bit and are nearly mature. He said he would wait to see what my estrodial was and either trigger me tonite (to release the eggs) or tomorrow nite.

Tara came over for breakfast, and I broke my rule of not letting people due dishes at my house as I am VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable. Actually, Dr. A quit measuring the follicles after awhile because I was so uncomfortable. He said he got the big ones, no need to put me through that much pain. While she was doing the dishes, the nurse called. My estrodial had doubled: 1055, and as Dr. A had suggested, he wants to give me one extra day to assure they are all mature.

So, barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will be going in on Tuesday for the retrieval which would make the transfer fall on Friday.

There it is. Tuesday it is. Please just pray for my comfort level. The ultrasounds are not fun at all with as uncomfortable as I am -- but we are almost there!


Okay, so a few weeks ago I did a post on how "pumped" I was about a story I was assigned for Rochester Women Magazine. Friday night we went to a release party for the magazine, and I found out that my story made the cover. I was told that it was a cover "candidate" but did not know until today that it made the cover.

What makes this story so great was, well, you know, you should just read it yourself. You can do that at: Beautiful Inside and Out. But I will tell you that the woman I wrote the story on, Jill Krieger Swanson, is a great Christian woman who adopted her two children and also does wonders with style and inspirational speaking. Now if you can remember from a previous post, I have recently admitted my new passion was fashion! So needless to say, Jill was a perfect fit for me in many ways.

Aside from my story, I went to bed last night at around 8:30, halfway through a movie, Murder on the Nile, with JB. I don't know what else to say except THEY NEED TO GET THESE EGGS OUT OF ME! The headaches were very good yesterday -- I only needed 2 pills. But my stomach is just ROARING with ANGER at having 50 eggs inside of it!!!

So here we go again, going in now for my blood draw and ultrasound. The earliest the retrieval could now be as Monday. (I will get 36 hours notice). So if they tell me today at 3:00 that I am ready, then I will be going in on Monday. Personally, I am thinking I will be going back in tomorrow which would put my transfer on Tuesday. Either way, I am really ready to go!!! I am having trouble walking, sleeping, sitting, standing up, anything. So that kinda puts a hard time on ANYTHING!

More updates coming later in the day.

Friday's Fast Facts

Update #2: Well, I got a call from the nurse. My estrodial was at 518 -- a lot higher but still a bit from 3,000. She said it could easily double in 24 hours however. I am taking 225 units of gonal tonite and another shot of lupron in the morning and then I have a blood draw and ultrasound at 8 a.m. tomorrow. I'll let you know something more tomorrow when I know something more! We are progressing nicely.

* * * * * * *

Update: Well I had my ultrasound at 8:10 and the news couldn't have been better! We had approximately 32 follicles of size 14 or larger (size 18-20 is considered "mature"). In addition we had approximately 20 follicles that were not measured but were 10 or less. (And remember -- we only plan to have them fertilize 14 so this is PLENTY!!!!) This is exactly what the doctor projected should happen -- the tons of follicles that worked against me with the IUI (because of the high risk of multiples) are now our friends! For the first time, as JB feverishly tried to write down all the follicle sizes, I wasn't crying knowing that this meant a cancelled cycle. This is what they WANTED. It was a great relief. I am waiting for my 3:30 call which will tell me what my blood estrodial was. I found out they want it to be about 3,000. I was 165 the other day but given how the follicles are doing, I am sure it will be pretty high. She'll then tell me what the weekend schedule is. But, we are very happy!!!!

* * * * * * *

Well I hope you all enjoyed Josh's post yesterday. If you have a free second, leave a comment for him. It will make him feel important. And that means a lot to Josh.

Just kidding Josh -- don't get all in a tizzy.

Josh and Sarah are two of our dearest friends. Josh is basically just like the language of his post most of the time. One time he did have a serious conversation with me, but then he told me he was just joking so that was the end of that.

Maybe Josh will pop back in sometime. Let me know, Josh, if you have anything more important than that post to share. Although with as deep as that post was, I find it highly unlikely your brain will be able to surpass that greatness.

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

As for me, I have come to realize that I am going through menopause! Don't laugh. It's true ... in a sense. When JB talked to the doctor he worked with the other day about me doing IVF, the one who had a daughter from IVF, he asked JB how I was handling going through menopause.

Lupron actually causes my body to decrease estrogen production! This is the same thing that happens to women going through menopause. It explains a lot of things including the fact that despite going off the birth control pill, I am still having the migraines.

However, I have decided to list all of the good things going on right now as there are many:

• I am not really going through menopause! I will be un-menopaused very soon.
• I probably have less than five shots left in my stomach.
• I probably have less than fives left in my thighs.
• Both of my jobs are really working with my schedule and helping to relieve extra stress.
• I have PLENTY of Tylenol with codeine now ... 120 pills. I am able to take the pills now all day .(I took about 10 today) without thinking twice about it and worrying that I will run out.
• We will most likely be doing the transfer in LESS than a week!
• I am married to the best husband in the world.
• My hormones have been fairly in check during this IVF cycle -- probably more than my 7 previous IUI/Clomid cycles.

I also want to ask for prayer that:

• I am able to sleep well the next few nights. My mind is spinning like crazy!
• they are able to pull out at least fourteen eggs or more.
• we end up with between 6 and 8 frozen embryos (or more). This would mean that after our first attempt with 2 embryos, we would have enough for 3-4 more tries without having to go back for more eggs (the hard part -- what I am doing now).
• I come out of the surgery and anesthesia feeling great.
• the Lord would guide the doctor's hands and eyes.
• JB's does great on his psychiatry test today.
• the transfer goes well -- the easier they get the instruments in and the less they touch my uterus, the better it is.

Today:

• I go in for a blood draw at 7:00 a.m.
• I go in for an ultrasound at 8:10 a.m. (JB is able to go with me!)
• we will meet with the nurse after my ultrasound to ask questions and discuss how my follicles are doing.
• JB has his final psychiatry test at 10:00 a.m.
• when the doctor gets our blood results in, he will look at the blood results and the ultrasound results and decide what we should do next.
• we will be getting a call around 3:00 telling us what our estrodial results were and what our schedule is for the next 24-36 hours.
• I will post after 3:00 when we know what is happening next.
• From 4:30-6:00 we are having a "release" party for the next issue of Rochester Women. At this point, I can tell you what my "awesome" story was about that I was so "pumped" about! We plan to only stay for a bit given how I am feeling.

Check back later this evening for an update of what the weekend holds.

Heisman in the HOUSE!

Well, well, well...It seems my sweet cousin Wendi needs to be a little more careful when I'm around. Maybe next time she won't leave her username and password out in the open!

Serioulsy though, Wendi asked me (Josh)to be a "Special Guest Blogger" today, and I just thought that was an excellent idea. The only question I had was...well...what should I write about? You see, from time to time Wendi asks John to be a "Special Guest Blogger". At first she probably thought that was a GREAT idea, but I'm sure Wendi quickly learned that it is not wise to give John free reign over anything. Now listen, I love JB as much as everyone else, but we all know that, given the opportunity, John will try to bring some "educational value" to everything. That, my friends, includes this blog! Now normally I wouldn't have a problem with this because I, for one, am not very high up on the educational ladder of life, and I am always looking to learn new/interesting facts about the differences between Natural Peanut Butter and Jiff Creamy Peanut Butter! But sometimes JB takes it over the line and starts telling me about his favorite diet plans, and why some work better than others. Alright...I'll stop. JB is one of the best guys I know so I'll leave him alone (plus, I know he has plenty of things he could say about me). So let's move on.

So...what should I write about? (Better yet, how can I make Wendi immediately regret her decision to let me blog?)

Well, I am kind of crazy so let me tell you what I did yesterday....

First off I needed to go to the store. I was walking down an isle when a guy said to me, "Hey man, how's it going?" I quickly jumped up, grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back and said, "Now who's asking the questions?" After that, I had promised my 2 year old son that I would take him to Disneyworld so we jumped in the car and headed that direction. But instead of going to Disneyworld I took him to an old burned down warehouse and said, "OH NO TYLER, Disneyworld burned down!" He cried and cried, but I think he knew it was a funny joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyworld, but it was getting late so we just went home.

By the way, if you worked on a lobster boat, I bet sneaking up behind people and pinching them on the butt would be a joke that gets old pretty fast...but that's just what I think!

Well guys, I think that about wraps it up for me. Thank you for reading. Please direct all complaints to the Flakymn Foundation for Medical Students Wives!

Thank you for your time...Wendi will be back soon, I promise!

P.S. JB, I love ya man!

Josh

First blood test results are in

Yesterday was a rough day as I mentioned on my blog. Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement. At 9:00 p.m. I couldn't take the stomach pains, loopiness, and headaches anymore and went to bed. JB followed a few minutes later reminding me that I hadn't take any of my meds. He gave my metformin pills which I took and then went into the kitchen to prepare my Gonal shots.

I noticed John was taking an exceptionally long time preparing my shots, and my mind started wandering. I started adding. Each Gonal "pen" contains 900 units of medicine. As I added I realized that I had taken 825 units of medicine so far. I needed to take 150 units of medicine. How could this be done unless ...

JB came into the bedroom with a pouty face and mumbled, "I have bad news." I already knew what it was and started laughing and yelling, "Noooo!!!!" If there was only 75 units left in the pen (worth over $50), I would need to take two shots in the stomach. Bummer! It was not the news I wanted but my wonderful husband did the best job he could and it was relatively painless. However, when your stomach is cramped, grabbing a bunch of skin and sticking a needle into it isn't my favorite thing to do.

However, JB made me feel really good. He told me that he thought I was doing a great job which meant a lot as I have really felt like one big complaining frustration. He actually said that emotionally I have been handling this better than the IUI cycles.

Anyways, I slept very well and woke up feeling pretty good. I went in for my blood draw at 7:00 this morning having just one headache pill left.

My doctor continues to give me 20 pills at a time with no refills. This means that every time I finish my pills I have to call the pharmacy and request that they fax my physician and get more pills. Since I am allowed to take 13 pills a day (I take about 3-5 on a good day and 8-10 on a bad day), giving me 20 pills is only about 2-3 days worth. This doesn't always work well. I called the pharmacy on Tuesday morning and as of 8 this morning, they still didn't have anything for me. I called up to my doctor's area, and they said they would push the order through.

An hour later I get a call. They wouldn't refill my prescription unless I came back in for an appointment. Now mind you, I am currently a hormonal basketcase! I have already cried a few times that morning for no reason at all. So when they tell me this, I start crying. Then they transfer me to the appointment desk and I am told that the next available appointment is on Monday, May 9th! Needless to say I started crying even harder.

The woman obviously felt bad for this weeping girl fighting a migraine and cramps and began looking for another doctor I could see. She found an opening later that afternoon -- 1:10. I immediately emailed JB and asked if he could go with me. I felt a mess and really wanted him there to answer questions or help if I fell apart. I didn't want to appear as if I was desperate for drugs. John had a lecture but said he would work on it. About an hour later I got an email from him. It read:

I will be going with you! I spoke with Dr. ___, and he brought me to his office. He then showed me his family photo of his two daughters - one from IVF (ixy?) and the other a china adoption!!!! He was great! He also said that the other Dr. who is in charge of the rotation, Dr. ___, has twins from IVF!!! And both of these doctors are Air Force! Amazing. Either way, I will be going with you.

I was blessed again by how present the Lord is in the little things. It meant so much to have John there with me. And the fact that the physicians he was working with have not only been understanding but many of them have DONE IVF was amazing!

The new doctor talked to me a bit, said she thought this would go away after IVF was over and gave me a new prescription with 60 PILLS and 1 REFILL!! Another great answer to prayer.

Shortly after returning to work I got a call from Nancy at the RE office. She said my estrogen was 165. Now this means little to you and even very little to me but basically this number indicates how mature my follicles are. A mature follicle emits approximately 150-200 "units" of estrogen. This number is pretty low but low is not bad. They want to move slowly. They will look at this number and my internal ultrasounds to determine when my follicles are ready to go.

So the new schedule: Gonal tonight (225 units), Lupron and Gonal tomorrow (Thursday) and then a blood draw and ultrasound on Friday morning at 8:10. I will know more then. I would assume after Friday the ultrasounds will definitely be everyday until early next week.

In other news, our friends Calvin and Karen had their son: Jadon Wan yesterday around 2:00 in the afternoon. However, even neater than Jadon's birth (well, maybe not, but it is still pretty cool) is that Lesley is on OBGYN and got to deliver him! I was looking through the pictures and was like "There's a familiar face!" Here are some photos via Calvin. He sent us a whole album with some great snapshots.

Congrats Calvin and Karen on your new son.

Quick post

This post will be very quick. My head is giving me fits and JB thinks its better that when I am home, I avoid being on the computer if I can prevent it -- especially since I am starting at a computer all day. In addition, I am feeling fairly sick as well, definitely a good "sign" as it indicates the follicles that they want to grow are growing, and growing like crazy.

I am making it through work each day by taking a lot of pain pills but am then coming home, going to sleep for two hours, getting up for two hours, and going back to bed. I really have no appetite, most likely as a result of the major cramping.

From this point forward I will not be going into RLS and instead working from home in order to try and make all my appointments and keep up with my workload and get enough rest. My work at Mayo will be limited and based according to what I can handle each day.

Tomorrow I go in for my first blood draw. From this point forward I get a call at 3:00 each day telling me what to do the next day.

I would like to ask for prayer for the following things:

• My headaches
• My stomach and the major cramping going on
• That the surgery "retrieval" would take place earlier rather than later so I can go off these hormones as soon as possible
• For JB as he is having to not only help me with all my meds but basically now take care of everything around the house. In addition, of course, he is on his psych rotation all day and has his major shelf test this Friday.

I apologize to those of you who have emailed or called and not heard back from me. I am really having difficulty keeping up with communication given how I am feeling.

Thanks for the prayers. I'll update you tomorrow after I get the blood results back.

Reason # 342 not to have children

Jb and I have a sort of running joke between us. Whenever we see a child do something annoying, gross, frustrating, ridiculous, etc. we quickly give it a random number. For example, JB sees a kid pick his nose and eat it and turns to me and says, "reason #469 not to have children."

Now, obviously, as evidenced from the large amounts of money, tears, and effort we have put into having children, everyone reading this blog knows that we want to have children probably more than anything. However, we have also learned that you have to be able to make jokes and poke fun at your own problems. We have also really made it a point to celebrate our family of two.

Side note: I hate when people ask when we plan to start our family as we consider ourselves already a family even if we are a small family. Don't ever ask someone that. What constitutes a family? 2.2 children and a dog? Sorry. Now stepping off my soap box.

So anyways, onto our list (which actually doesn't exist in a concrete sense).

One of the ways we have poked fun at our situation and also reminded ourselves of all the problems we are avoiding by not having children is to point out all the things that would not be fun about having a child. A really dirty diaper? #421. The time one of the kids in our Sunday school class told a story about her mother in a hot tub with a priest? #49. Throw-up? #12.

Today I witnessed reason #342 -- child throws a temper tantrum in the middle of a rain storm while mother carries three bags of groceries. I am not making this up. On my way home from work, a woman walked out of the tiny grocer next to my house with 3 plastic bags in her right hand. In her left hand was the hand of a two-year-old little girl, complete with yellow rain slicker and galoshes.

They walked along with no apparent distress brewing. Then, all of a sudden, for what appeared to be no reason at all, the toddler stopped walking and SAT DOWN! The mother tried to pull her by the arm to get her to stand up but to no avail. The little girl continued to sit, in the rain, crying.

Now I am sure there was a reason in the two-year-old's mind, and maybe she even conveyed that to the mother for her refusal to walk another step. However, I am also pretty sure that this reason was not a very good one. I also really felt for the poor mother. It was raining. She had her hands filled with groceries, and now she had a toddler who refused to go home!

The solution? Manage to pick up the screaming child while holding her bags of groceries and getting soaken wet.

Are there any arguments that this makes the list? Oh, and we don't rank these items as it would be too subjective. If we did, I'm sure this event would at least cut into the top 100.

If you feel that you have an item that must be included, be sure to let me know. We'll consider every request for addition to our list. We apologize we cannot respond to each request personally.