Akeelah and the Bee

"Weeping may last for the night,

But a shout of Joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30

On Sunday as promised, JB and I found something completely un-Mother's Day like to do. We try to avoid any place that we will find flowers on blouses ... and a dark movie theater, after considering the alternative: outdoor activities in cold and rainy weather, was perfect.

I wanted to see something upbeat with a happy ending. That left Poseidon as a no-go. It's a re-do so obviously, we know how it ends. It also left the 911 movie as a no-go. Unfortunately, the ending to that movie has also been written. So after crossing out "downers", it all came down to Ice Age II or Akeelah and the Bee. JB loves the website: Rotten Tomatoes which presents an overview from movie reviewers across the United States. This website definitely favored Akeelah, so we had lunch over at Ajit and Sujit's house (their aunt was visiting and promised great Indian food. She did not dissapoint) and then headed to see the movie.

First of all, it was a GREAT movie. I strongly suggest it for people of all ages. You will love it. Every teacher should show this movie in their classroom. However, despite the happy ending, when the movie was over I started crying, pretty hard. We thought we avoided that by avoiding the "downer" movies and here I was, seriously, crying ... hard. It took me quite a few minutes to put into words what that movie made me feel and share it with JB.

One of the sub-themes of this movie is grief, and mid-way through the movie, I was hit with quite a strong epiphany. I realized that no matter how our own personal story turns out, what I am dealing with is grief. Obviously, you can't compare grief. Each situation is completely different. However, what we are dealing with is, quite simply, grief. I have mentioned before that I had a lot of guilt when the Tsunami hit that I was so busy worrying about my empty womb when mothers had lost children. My Aunt Jan put me in my place when she wrote, "You can't compare that grief. Those mothers got to hold their babies and you haven't." This hit me quite hard, and I realized that while the grief is different, my grief is justified and fair.

If I were a mother who lost a child due to illness or an accident, that would be the end of the story. There is no getting that child back. The child is gone. Forever. I would not be able to pray for things to change. Things would be as things were and I would have to learn to live with my grief, heal from my grief, and replace my grief. My grief would never dissapear, but through faith and hard work, I would grow and survive.

The truth is, EVERYONE dies. EVERY SINGLE PERSON, unless Jesus returns before they die, will die. And for nearly everyone who dies, people are left behind to grieve and to learn to deal with that grief.

In my situation, the grief is slightly different because I am believing that my grief will actually be eliminated. However, I realized (and for some reason, this hit me during, of all things, Akeelah and the Bee), that however this turns out (and don't begin to think I am losing hope and faith), we are dealing with grief. That grief requires acknowledgement, education, and healing. Something that JB and I have been working on together. That grief requires knowing that no matter what, we will survive.

We have all seen people eaten up by their grief. I am saying right now that I REFUSE to be one of these people. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I REFUSE to let grief run my life. That is not to say that I will not have rough times when the grief is powerful. However, I will take that grief and learn from it and heal from it.

Yesterday, when we got the news on our blastocyst, I got very upset. Then I realized that this is grief, and while it is okay to grieve, the morning brings new prespective. JB was so wonderful. When I got home we put on one of our relaxation CDs that the psychiatrist recommended. It was awesome. 45 minutes later I woke up with JB long gone and the CD over. I don't remember making it through ridding the tension from my shoulders!!! If you have stress, I can recommend some GREAT CDs. I woke up feeling wonderfully refreshed.

Speaking of that grief which we are believing, may very soon turn to joy, I have had many questions about our "sticky babies" as my friend Tara playfully called them. JB and I have lovingly adopted this phrase. We felt we needed to call these embryos something more than embryos so now they are sticky babies. Has a ring don't you think?

I wanted to take a few quick moment to answer some of the questions I have been getting:

1. Will you use all of your embryos? Absolutely. That is the reason we only fertilized 14 instad of all 21 eggs. We consider each sticky baby, a baby.

2. What if something were to happen to you before the embryos were used? This would be up to JB. He could choose to either donate these to another set of parents via the snowflake program or ask a surrogate to carry our children. Being as they are 100% him and I, I would imagine he would lean toward the latter, but since I will be dead, I really won't speak much on this.

3. What if something were to happen to JB before the embryos were used? I would use all the remaining embryos. No question.

4. What if something were to happen to BOTH of you before the embryos were used? The embryos would be left to my brother in my will. We have asked that he donate these embryos to the snowflake program for a chance in the womb of a couple unable to use their own sperm or eggs or both. Many couples have a problem with both of them or they would prefer to have a child 100% not their's genetically instead of half their's genetically.

5. Will you ever do a "retrieval" (egg harvest) again? At the beginning of the IVF journey, they encourage you to come up with a "game plan". Our current game plan (which we reserve the right to change) is that if we do not conceive with our five sticky babies, we will attempt to stay at Mayo for residency and attempt another retrieval. We have not set an end limit on how many attempts we would make. That would be based on much prayer and discussion with the doctor. If we conceive ONE time, we feel that we would probably not do IVF again. If we only had one child and were out of embryos, I do not think I would be quick to go through egg harvesting again. If we wanted to grow our familiy, we would consider adoption if we had had one child.

6. When will you know if this transfer worked? I will have the results to share on May 28th.

7. How soon would you return for the additional embryos? We have no immediate leanings on this. If it does not work, I would imagine we would return for 2 more sticky babies fairly quickly. If it does work, we will return when we feel we are ready to add to our family again, probably 1-2 years from now.

8. Will you continue this blog after IVF? I have NO plans to stop this blog. In fact I look forward to it changing directions slightly when we add one or two children to our family in nine months.

I hope that clears up some of your questions and let's you in my new epiphany of grief. I know many of you out there are dealing with your own grief for a variety of reasons. The Lord is with us in grief and will be with us always. He will be with us and in the morning, he promises joy.