Scripture is full of people crying out to God!
“How long, O Lord?” (Psalm 13)
“Why have You forsaken me?” (Psalm 22)
“My tears have been my food day and night.” (Psalm 42)
“I am worn out calling for help.” (Psalm 69)
Not one of them was abandoned.
Not one stayed in that place.
Every lament has a turn.
You are in the lament.
Not the ending.
By far the hardest thing I have ever done is rewiring my nervous system. Teaching it new patterns and new ways. But seeing it actually learning is amazing. It doesn't happen as often as I would like but all of a sudden my brain will GET IT.
BOOM!
I have an intense fear of people being mad at me. I have an intense fear of worrying what people think.
I have to work very hard to keep that in check throughout the day. I am a human. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt people. No matter what I do, I cannot avoid someone, at some point, deciding they don't like me. Or someone deciding I screwed up.
But I can stop myself from perseverating about it! And that's what I am learning to do. I have something called TouchPointe bracelets. As long as I catch the thoughts as soon as they start, I can stop them from plaguing me. I can stop the loop.
Sometime the loop gets away from me (especially after a night of sleep or a dream or not paying attention to the thoughts.) But if I stay on top of the thoughts, I can keep them at bay.
And then, all of a sudden, I get an evening like tonight when I realize I DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES ANYMORE! It is so incredibly freeing. I am always in shock that something that is bothering me constantly, now isn't even on my radar.
I am so blessed that I have already taught my children this incredible skill. And I am still working to teach them. If I ever slip into people-pleasing in front of them, I will quickly correct myself and not allow the lesson to stand! Through being married to an amazing man who wouldn't allow me to inflict these tendencies on to my children, my children are NOT PEOPLE PLEASERS! Praise the Lord!
And very soon, I will not be either.
I cannot believe that I could ever live with this freedom! It is so exciting to me!
While you may not be a people-pleaser, there is a chance that you have some form of past trauma that has grown into your nervous system. Common inflictions on people include:
Where do these come from? Some come from your parents. You watched them do it, and they inadvertently taught you. But not always. Sometimes it can come from a random situation that just sort of happens.
Abigail had this. She developed an intense fear of going to bed at night. We finally got her therapy, and I was very prepared to find out this was a behavior I had inadvertently cultivated. But, it wasn't. Instead, she simply had coincidentally had a panic attack coupled with sleep at some point. And that fear had stuck to her.
It truly doesn't matter the source of your trauma or pain. What matters is: NOT LIVING WITH IT ANYMORE!
Unfortunately, undoing it is HARD. It requires looking back at where it came from which can often involve a lot of pain and grief. You have to be incredibly intentional. You also have to FACE YOUR FEAR.
I had gone most of my life keeping most people liking me and not being upset with me. However, about five years ago, I had two different friends sit down with me and have difficult conversations. They shared their concerns about me. They shared their fears for what they were seeing in my behavior.
I was kind to them. But I didn't agree. And I basically tossed away what they said.
Until I had a breakdown in 2024. My body said: "What they said. It's true. We can't go on like this anymore."
And I am not. I am fighting. It is brutal. But I am growing!
Something to chew on: would you rather be LIKED or be KNOWN? I am striving in my life now to surround myself with people who want to know me -- people who consider me worthy of relationship, repair, and REALNESS.
We went and saw Wicked 2 tonight. The music wasn't as good as the first movie (in my completely non-musically-inclined-opinion), but the MESSAGE was super amazingly profound. At one point Glinda comments: "And I've had so many friends, but only one that mattered," spoken to Elphaba in the song "Wicked: For Good".
Is having a lot of friends really valuable if you are just living like Glinda and pretending? Wouldn't having just one good friend that really wanted to know you be so much more valuable?
Chew away! And share your opinion if you'd like.
Reminder: It’s Not This Situation — It’s the Old Training
• This feeling isn’t about this person or this moment. My anxiety is reacting to old conditioning, not present danger.
• I was trained to keep the peace at all costs. My body learned that approval once meant safety.
• This pressure to fix everything is an echo from the past, not a reflection of who I am now.
• My nervous system is firing an outdated alarm. I can remind it that I’m not that person anymore.
• People-pleasing was a survival skill. It kept me safe then, but I don’t need it to keep me safe now.
• I’m allowed to disappoint people, say no, or let someone be upset—without losing connection or safety.
• Healing means responding based on my values, not my conditioning.
• I can feel the anxiety… and still choose a healthier pattern.
Click here to read this post in its entirety.
“Yeah….” I nod slow, take a sip of my coffee… “Yeah… maybe the deepest comfort is knowing that no rejection can ever take away any of your sure security, because God still takes you. Once you're a child of God… you are always a child of God and no one can erase you from the family of God when God etches your name right into the palm of His hand.”
The Spirit of God sustains and secures and keeps us, and only by His grace, we keep on keeping on and God keeps us and doesn't cut us off as His Spirit makes a way for us to cut off distractions and keep following Him… Genuine believers surely can't ever earn their salvation, but genuine believers live ever in the Spirit to surely bear real fruit, because if “anyone does not abide in (Him), he is thrown away like a branch” (John 15:10),” and maybe this is what C.S. Lewis meant when he encouraged us all on, “Christ said it was difficult for the rich to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. He meant that to follow Him is not something we do once and for. We must go on following Him every day” (Mere Christianity).
Fall in His arms. Just fall and bring it all.
I can no longer be what I was.
And what was I?
I was someone who believed that if someone got upset at me, it would physically kill me. I know that sounds like I am exaggerating, but I am not. That is what my body believed. That is how I reacted.
I also believed that sadness, depression, anger ... any emotion that wasn't happy was BAD. A sin actually. (I mean, did I ever read the Psalms?)
The Father has every kind of healing you need.
And so, I created a Pollyanna persona, and I let her be me. That's who I was. Or so I thought. Treat everyone perfectly. Never even possibly ruffle someone's feathers. Be silent on any issues that could upset someone.
Never ... ever ... ever ... upset someone. And if, you somehow still managed to do so, go into full-court press damage control immediately. "Fix that problem Nooooooowwwwww, Wendi, or you will die!"
Lies. It was all lies that my nervous system believed.
I did that. For 47 years.
And then, my body fell into a crumpled mass, no longer able to sustain the weight I had placed upon it. It literally stopped working. I couldn't get out of bed. And if I managed to, I couldn't get off the floor. And I had no choice but to rebuild from the ground up.
And now? Now I must accept that if I be this person that I feel God is calling me to be, someone may not like me.
God is your defender. You get to release it.
And here's where everything gets SO hard.
If I don't carefully edit everything I do, they may get mad at me. (Of course, this could have happened before I edited. But now, the chances are even higher!)
And then, if they get mad at me, and I don't grovel and throw themselves at them, they may ... abandon me.
"Look! I'll dump coals on my head! I'll do anything! As long as you keep liking me. Even though you aren't really seeing me. You are seeing a fake version of me that is the version I want you to see because it is the version that you will always like."
No. No more.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I am allowed to exist and be real and say things that aren't correct and accidentally hurt someone's feelings or make them very angry.
And if I accidentally do something to hurt someone, I am worthy of repair.
Say it louder for the people in the back!!!!!
I AM WORTHY OF REPAIR!!!
If mad-at-me-person values me and our relationship, they will have the courage to come back and speak to me. And talk to me. And they won't not love me just because I made a mistake. They would forgive me.
Aaaaaah, but if they don't?
If they don't, I will let them walk away.
Other people have emotions, and they are in charge of their feelings and emotions, and I cannot control them.
Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." And so I will do that. I will go to the fence and say, "I'm sorry if I hurt you. Can we talk about it?" The outcome isn't your's to control, Wendi. Rest.
But if they don't want to?
Then I will not beg them.
Super easy, eh?
Ummmm, not really.
The favor of God will not be taken from you.
This process is excruciating for me. This means I have to sit in the fact that someone may not like Wendi. (Egads!)
Oh but Wendi! The pain isn't forever. No matter how it feels.
But I'm going to be okay with it. Because the alternative is to teach my children a way of living that I do not want them to live in.
Abigail approached a friend the other day who had lied to her and called him/her to it. Stood up for herself. I was so proud! You go girl! Yes! You deserve that. You are valuable. You are worthy. You don't live for MAN. You live for God! God's plan is still very much intact.
You go girl!
You go, Wendi!
"Of one thing I'm perfectly sure -- God's story never ends in ashes." -- Elisabeth Elliot
From Psalm 126 this morning, Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return rejoicing, carrying sheaves on their shoulders!
We are back from Europe. Two weeks home almost. Trying to settle back in. I have so many pictures from Europe, but I think trying to sort them on my Blog may prove to be way too hard for me. I've never let this Blog go, and I don't want to let this go now, but I am floundering a bit. My kids challenge anything I want to post. And my personal stuff feels a little heavy right now. So I end up not being sure what to post. And yet, this Blog has been going since 2005, and I am determined to figure out some way to allow it to continue to BE.
I want, years from now, to look back and remember the happy moments. The funny things in our life. So I'm going to try to get more intentional about posting!
I recently heard this song for the first time and was really blown away by the words. I wanted to share them here on my Blog.
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| We got to spend a lot of time getting to know Tijmen's dad, Marten. |
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| Very few people had their phones out at the event so we really didn't take many pictures. Apparently, there was an announcement made in Dutch telling people this. We obviously didn't get the message, but through observation realized that our phones weren't very welcome. |
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| With Tijmen -- a part of our family forever! |
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| Tijmen's mother was worried I'd be cold at the wedding and wouldn't do a good job managing that. She bought me the most BEAUTIFUL scarf. I loved it, and it was a lifesaver. (She also bought me some pantyhose too. Seriously? What an amazing lady.) |
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| A gift for John! |
