Once upon a time I stayed alive by being the nicest person I could ever be. And by never speaking truth. And by making sure everyone else was happy with me.
Do everything you can to keep the person happy. And if, despite these efforts, they are unhappy, grovel. Apologize profusely. Self-deprecate. Apologize again.
If you've known me long enough, I probably have asked you "are you mad at me?" I didn't know why I did this compulsively. But I certainly do now. Because someone not liking me meant I would DIE. Literally. I could not go on living with someone unhappy with me. Your happiness was a prerequisite for my own.
I've been on a two-year journey to break all aspects of people pleasing -- I will no longer live to please ANYONE but God.
If you've loved me and want to keep loving me, by all means please do. But I can no longer pretend to be anything other than a daughter of the King. And I must be truthful.
It's terribly scary to let your armor fall off of you and allow yourself to just stand there, exposed.
I know the cost. The cost is the very thing I have spent my ENTIRE life trying to prevent: someone not liking me, someone misunderstanding me, someone not allowing me to repair if I do make a mistake.
But I am, in the end, God's daughter, John Kitsteiner's wife, and the mother of my four amazing children. That's it. That's all that matters.
Your armor may be different ... it may not be keeping everyone happy at your own expense like it was for me. But there is a good chance you have armor in place. Removing it will be the single hardest thing you EVER do. Because in order to remove it, you must look all your fears in the face and then give away the thing that has kept you safe your entire life.
But oh the Jesus I see on this side. I am experiencing HIS LOVE and HIS GRACE in a whole new way. He needs NOTHING from me. I don't have to pray a certain way or in a certain order or with a certain tone. I simply need to love Jesus! That's it!!!
I truly am seeing the world in a dimension I never knew existed. It's as if by removing my own armor, I can see others and the pain and coping they are living with -- the armor they've been forced to wear.
And if I love you, I will tell you that. Because to allow someone to sit in their own pain is just cruel. I will speak honestly to you. I had two friends do this with me in the depth of my dysfunction. They sat me down and said HARD HARD things to me. Painful things. But things I needed to hear. (Trust me. Your dysfunction is probably not worse than mine. My counselor told me that mine was pretty legendary. Ha ha ha.)
I cannot be in deep relationship with you if I am editing our relationship. I won't. Because I no longer can live a lie. I will do what Jesus asked by speaking truth. Or I will allow you to move along and not be in relationship with me.
Did I really just say those words out loud?
Indeed I did. Still VERY scary. But there is no doubt Jesus has called me to this. Goodness knows I wouldn't have the courage to rewire my brain and break these generational curses on my own ... thank you Jesus for creating our bodies with the capacity for rebirth and regrowth.
What an awesome God we serve.
