Thursday, May 08, 2025
Wednesday, May 07, 2025
New insect on the farm
Rest
I turn away because today needs a courage too heavy
and I packed light this morning.
did you know that rest
is not weakness?
It took me a long time to learn that one
because I crave moments and energy and highs
but my body does not
some days it cannot carry a tea
much less the courage or hope needed to do anything more
resting is choosing a future over the present
a demanding feat when living in the moment is everything
still / I honor my body
and unhinged / I rest
to be a force of nature
one must be patient with the storm
Rest: By R.C. Lloyd
From the book: Chronic Defiance
Tuesday, May 06, 2025
Never done
I keep believing I am done. I have healed enough. God, I got it. Let me be done.
And then God says: "No, dear child, peel back another layer of the things you have pushed down inside of you for your whole life."
And so I peel back. And I cry. I weep. I meet with Kim. I talk to my cousin Cara. I break down the pain that has been tucked up inside of me for so long.
The truth is: I will never be done. I will always be healing and growing.
Yesterday I had an argument with one of my sons, and as we discussed the situation I realized: My body is calm.
There was no dysregulation. Sure, in hindsight, I probably could have handled some things differently. But generally, I handled it well. I had no feeling inside that I might fly off the handle or lose my cool.
That is regulation.
That is having a LARGE window of tolerance.
While my children may choose to misbehave, I no longer feel any need (or compulsion) to use shame or force to get my point across.
I am calm. I am collected. I see their misbehavior as an opportunity for growth. And it is my job to help them grow. Calmly. Securely. Confidently.
And yet ... despite all the awareness and all the things I see now that I didn't see before ... there is still pain tied up inside of me that hurts to look at. It is hard to look back and see evil and trauma and "yuck."
However, if I don't choose to see it, I will not heal from it. The trauma is tucked up inside you. It is there whether you think you have no memories or choose not to see the memories. And if you don't unpack it, it will continue to eat you alive.
How can you tell you are being eaten alive? Here are some things to watch out for:
- Anxiety of any sort.
- Depression of any sort.
- Losing your temper at any time.
- Feeling "pushed to the edge" by other people. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!)
- Feeling that "others" have cause you to feel bad inside. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!)
- Blaming anything or anyone for you not feeling right.
- Eating for comfort.
- Drinking alcohol for comfort.
- Zoning out on your phone or with TV for comfort (regularly).
- Sleeping too much.
Before a child has language ...
They have sensation.
Before they can understand "you're okay," they feel whether you are.
If your tone is calm but your body is tight ...
If your words are soothing but your eyes are scared ...
Your child will follow the feeling, not the sentence.
They don't learn regulation through lectures.
They learn it through presence.
Through the way you breathe when they're melting down.
Through the way you return after you rupture.
When we're dysregulated, kids absorb it.
Not because we're doing something wrong -- but because we are their safety cue.
That doesn't mean you have to be calm all the time.
It means your own healing matters, because your nervous system becomes their blueprint.
And the best part?
Every moment of regulation you practice -- even if its imperfect -- is a message to you child's body that:
"It's safe to feel. I'm here with you."
Your nervous system speak louder than words.
Let is say:
"You're safe."
"You're seen."
"You don't have to carry this alone."
Monday, May 05, 2025
If you were taught ...
If you were taught to abandon yourself for connection, it's almost guaranteed that guilt will who up the moment you choose yourself.
Saturday, May 03, 2025
Visitors!
Our friend Patty (from wayyyy back in Eglin AFB and Turkey) decided to come to our farm for a visit with her two sons: Troy (13) and Cassian (almost 1). Patty's husband, Yamil, is getting his Master's Degree at the University of Tennessee and has to come up to Knoxville four times this year. We had a wonderful day!
Yellow Fever
Friday, May 02, 2025
April 12x12 #4 "The Contemplative Life"
This is part 4 of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker: RICH VILLODAS for the month of APRIL. The Conference was entitled "How to Engage God About Your Story." Session 3 was entitled: "The Contemplative Life." This talk was by Rich Villodas.
- The same Bible that says "Rejoice in the Lord Always" also has a book called Lamentations.
- Our pace of life can be violent in not allowing us to spend time with God. The contemplative life seeks to resist the violent pace of life.
Thursday, May 01, 2025
The Farm in Spring
I really think April into May may be my very favorite time on our farm. Our roses start blooming like crazy! And the grass is getting so green.
You can really see what happens after the sheep are done eating. See the areas all around them? They've already eaten down those paddocks and now they are in a new one! |
And check out those big clumps of grass in the paddock. Those are where the egg-mobile has previously been. Look at what all that fertilizer does for the farm!!! |
This video really shows the development of our land with the animals' help! I love it:
Wednesday, April 30, 2025
Homeschool Theater Production
Three of my four kiddos were in a production at HERITAGE for Theatre. I didn't really get a picture of Isaac, but they are all in a play entitled: The Internet is a Distract ... oh Look it's a Kitten."
So thankful for Kristin G. who helped get all this set up. I just love our homeschool group!
Hang out on prom nite
It was a little sad around these parts on Prom Night. Abigail is only 13. She turns 14 in July. But you had to be 14 by April in order to attend the Prom. While I have Abigail in the 7th grade, she is 8th grade age, and all of her friends are 9th grade. All of her friends were attending Prom, and she didn't get to go.
So we decided to try to have a fun girls' night. Joni, Jan, Genevieve and Kari and my girls -- we all went to the Mall in Johnson City and then out for a nice dinner.
I tell you what: I don't like the mall at all. It is totally overwhelming to me. I've really turned into a farmer.
Tuesday, April 29, 2025
Prom 2025
Isaac attended Prom with a very special lady in his life: Ana Y. We really like this young lady! Sidge decided not to attend and Abigail was just a few months too young to go. He had a wonderful time, and Joni was here to see him off!
Mr. Cellophane
This past Saturday, Isaac performed a music theater number for so parents and grandparents. There were about 15 performances, and I have to be honest, I really thought Isaac's was one of the best. It was so entertaining, and just really fantastic. I am so proud of him!
Night Out
Had an opportunity to go out to dinner with our good friends a few weeks back. Forgot to post this picture. Love Richard and Mary Kay. They are great. We were stationed with them in the Azores when he was a fighter pilot and now he is a pastor on the other side of town.
Sunday, April 27, 2025
Every time ...
Every time you say "this is new for me" instead of "I'm bad at this," you allow your brain space to learn instead of freeze. That's neuroplasticity in real time.
Every time you stop to breathe before reacting, you're training your brain to pause before it protects. That's the foundation of emotional regulation.
Every time you set a boundary, even if your voice shakes, you're teaching your brain that you can protect yourself. That's what builds self-trust.
Every time you say "I don't need to prove myself today," you shift from hypervigilance to grounded self-worth. That's a deep nervous system reset.
Every time you allow space for your feelings instead of minimizing them, you're rewriting a pattern your body has held for years. That's trauma-informed healing.
Every time you let yourself rest without guilt, you're breaking the lie that your worth depends on how much you achieve.
Every time you say "this matters to me" in a family that avoids difficult conversations, you're disrupting a cycle of silence. That's intergenerational change.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
Saturday, April 26, 2025
I WONDER ...
I often wonder if I'd ever have realized I needed to heal if I hadn't had kids.
Motherhood has a way of holding up a mirror to our deepest wounds, reflecting back the parts of us we kept hidden.
My children didn't create my triggers, but they brought them to the surface. Without them, I might never have faced those shadows.
The showed me where I needed to grow and gave me the strength to break the cycle.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
Thursday, April 24, 2025
The cross doesn't cancel human emotion
Hey everyone,
Let's stop spiritually bypassing people's sadness as though it makes the power of the cross ineffective.
It's weird.
Jesus wept is the shortest verse in the Bible, yet its meaning screams so loud.
God wanted us to know that pain matters,
presence matters,
and love doesn't skip over suffering.
It sits in it.
In so many Christian spaces, we've learned to bypass sadness with scripture and slap "God's got a plan!" over the heartbreak of another as though a band aide could really care for a bullet wound.
But disconnection dressed in spirituality is not comfort.
It's not faith to pretend that you're not sad. It's not weakness to acknowledge grief, disappointment, or trauma.
And it's definitely not holy to pressure someone into suppressing what Jesus himself made space for.
Jesus didn't rush people out of pain.
He entered it.
Holy doesn't mean happy all the time.
The cross doesn't cancel human emotion.
It redeems it.
The Power of the Cross isn't diminished by tears.
It was actually born in them.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
An Emotionally Intelligent Parent
Here are three great habits to work to change in order to practice being an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENT.
1. I try to never tell my kids "You made so angry when you did or didn't do _____." I don't want my kids to feel responsible for my or anyone else's feelings. Yes, I want them to learn that their actions or words affect other people, but kids are really good at blaming themselves for their parents anger.
2. I refuse to send them to their room when they are emotionally dysregulated. Of course if a kid is hitting or being violent you may need to remove them from a situation but far too often, we angrily send them to their rooms to be alone when they are upset or angry, but all they are learning is that big feelings are bad, I'm bad, and my parents don't want to be around me when I am sad or angry. I refuse to punish them for not getting emotional regulation right at the age of 7 when I still don't get it right at 47!
3. I will intentionally take accountability and responsibility. When I mess up and get over-stimulated, and I say something that I shouldn't, it's really easy to want to sweep it under the rug. It's really easy to make excuses in my head and blame them for the fact that I yelled. Try asking your kids at bedtime if there is anything you need to apologize for that happened that day. "Is there anything on your heart? Because it matters to me." And if they are bold enough to share that I hurt their feelings, I am going to listen! I am going to nod. I am going to say, "Thank you for telling me what you are feeling. I am sorry." Because I want them to learn those skills a lot sooner than I did.
Not so obvious signs you are actually healing:
1. You're not addicted to "potential" anymore. If it's unclear, inconsistent, or costs your peace ... you're out.
2. You let a text sit. Not to play a game -- you just didn't feel like explaining your energy today.
3. You walked away from a conversation that used to drain you. Yes! Without guilt, without the need to circle back!
4. You stopped screenshotting things just to prove a point later. You're not building a case anymore -- you're just moving on!
5. You had a hard day and didn't spiral into what's wrong with me. You just had a hard day. That's it. That's all it had to be.
6. You noticed the pattern. And instead of romanticizing it, you finally called it what it is -- and backed off.
7. You used to rehearse what you would say if they came back. Now? You don't even want to the conversation.
8. You don't instantly blame yourself when something goes wrong. You pause now. You consider. That's new.
9. You don't feel the need to be the strong one every time. You're letting people show up for you -- even if it's messy.
10. You're no longer rushing the in-between. You're letting the quite do its thing.
Healing
If you kick a dog enough times, guess what that dog will eventually do?
That dog will eventually begin growling. He will begin to bite and snap. His behavior will get very challenging and very difficult.
People will come in and see the dog and say, "What is wrong with this dog? Why is this dog acting like this? This dog needs to obey! This dog needs to stop that aggressive behavior."
But that dog is desperate. That dog has no other choice. The dog is using the only weapon he has.
What weapon does a child have? Either they get wild and go out and party or get on drugs or drink. Or they talk back. They yell and kick and scream. This is just a tool they are using to get their parents attention. They are screaming, "Do you see me?! SEE ME! Stop kicking me. Just love me."
(And obviously, there can be exceptions to this rule both with animals and children ...)
I am determined to be an AMAZING mother. Not just a good mother. Not just an "okay" mother. I am going to rock it. I am going to grow and stretch myself in all ways and knock it out of the park. Because by doing so, I set my children up to knock it up for the next generation and this is how you change generations!
I truly believe this job I have is the most important job I will ever have. I am creating the foundation for four new families, and it's very important.
I am determined that my children will know and feel the following things:
- Abigail, I can handle your big emotions!
- Hannah, your feelings are important to me! Let's discuss them.
- Sidge, I got you!
- Isaac, I am willing to repair rupture. I will apologize.
- Abigail, I am intensely working to be a better human.
- Hannah, I am available to help you regulate yourself. It's my job!
- Sidge, you are not responsible for my emotions.
- Isaac, anger, fear, grief, worry and frustration is all welcome in our home!
- Abigail, I am attuned to you, annoyingly-so. I hope you say to me often, "Mom, leave me alone. I'm okay already."
- Hannah, your dreams and heart matter to me uniquely.
When my child screams and says, "I hate you! You are a terrible parent!" I turn to them and say, "It's okay. You are allowed to say that. I love you. I can handle those big emotions."
And when they are calm and able to discuss, we can talk through what those feelings are.
My child is allowed to express all emotions that are swirling inside of them.
And if the insides of me get all jacked-out-of-place ... guess what? That is NOT about them. EVER!
Think about it. Am I ever allowed to smack an old woman in the grocery store who is disrespectful to me and say to them, "YOU MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY?!"
Of course not.
If I am feeling upset by what she said, I must, as my own autonomous person, handle those feelings inside of me. She is not allowed to dictate the emotion inside of me.
The problem is, most humans are wound up so tight from their own trauma, they don't know what to do with how they are feeling inside. When you see someone go off on someone, it isn't that event that is causing the explosion. It's the fact that the person is already so wound up inside that this event sets them off.
If a parent ever hits or smacks a child out of anger, that is never, ever, ever the child's fault. It is always and completely the parent's fault. The child is a CHILD. Just like a dog is a DOG. The dog is going to respond as dog's do. But he is reliant on his owner to help him regulate himself. Children cannot do that without a parent.
If a fellow parent comes to me and says their child is screaming and yelling and disrespecting them, my attitude now is so different than it would have been two years ago. Two years ago I would have believed that the parent needed to fix that disrespect by punishments and consequences. Oh, how wrong that is.
That isn't to say that you don't punish the child for their behavior. You may do that. But first, you need to look at what is coming out of them. Why are they screaming like that? What is inside them that is causing that? Am I seeing them? Am I attuned to them? Do I feel them. Do they feel felt? Am I with them?
It was when my children became teenagers that I realized I had some very broken brain messages traveling through my head. And I had to do (and am still doing!) a lot, lot, lot of work to fix those messages.
When I yell at my child, it is never my child's fault. It is my fault. I am not saying that they didn't do something against the rules. But I need a system in place that allows me to discipline them without raising my voice, hitting them, or trying to exert sheer will over them.
Children never turn away from a parent by choice. They never stop going to a parent by choice. They only stop when they know the parent is not capable or unwilling to be there for them. This is not the child's choice. A child is designed to want their parent more than anyone else in the world.
Oh, how blessed I am to have discovered this thing inside of me causing this dysregulation! The other day, my sweet little Abigail was working on an English project, and she suddenly got very overwhelmed with the assignment. I could see it all over her body. Old Wendi might have said, "Oh Abigail, just get over it and do it."
But new Wendi instantly realized: Abigail needs me! She needs me to regulate her own self because she doesn't have the maturity to do it yet. I moved over to her and wrapped my big body around her little body, and I looked her in the eye, and I said: I got you Abigail. I will not abandon you on this assignment. And then I instantly watched calm spread over her body.
And I was so excited to see that! To get to do it!
When my kids come to me with a conflict they are having with a friend or a worry or a complaint or a concern, I now get SO EXCITED! I say: THEY ARE COMING TO ME! THEY KNOW I CAN HELP THEM REGULATE! THEY KNOW I AM HERE FOR THEM!
It makes me giddy. I will turn to JB and say, "They are coming to us!"
And he will smile back.
Having a complete mental and nervous breakdown in 2024 was the worst thing I ever had to go through. But if going through it allows me to do what I am doing now, I would do it all over again.
Tuesday, April 22, 2025
Springtime is here!
John posted this picture on Facebook and wrote:
"Moved the sheep to a new paddock, and Wendi thought this was a perfect place to call a friend. I can't disagree."
Monday, April 21, 2025
The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 10
Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here.