Thursday, May 08, 2025

Truth!



 





“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost 
 
On May 7, 2007 my husband walked into our bedroom with our big old Dalmatian and said “Scrubs is ready to be a big brother.” He had gotten the phone call while I was napping that Bri was in labor in South Florida. It was her due date and coincidentally Bri’s 17th birthday!
 
We put our action plan into place and within an hour we were off on the ten hour drive from Elgin AFB to Fort Lauderdale to meet our son. 
 
At 2a on the morning of May 8, we arrived at the hospital. The large woman guarding the nursery did not want to let us in as we we didn’t have a “magic bracelet” but Joni showed her bracelet and with all of her 5’2” prowess demanded our entrance. “I’m not sure you understand,” she said. “They’ve been waiting ten years for this little boy. They are coming in.” 
 
(You weren’t supposed to have cameras either but Joni brought one and snapped the picture of us meeting our son for the first time.)
 
Isaac turned 17 yesterday. He is an uber talented musician (which he inherited from his DNA as we learned when he was young that there were professional cellists in his birth family). He loves theatre, music, piano, guitar, and collecting Hot Wheels cars. He has a wicked sense of humor. Hes got a job at Yoders sweet talking to old southern folks at the cash register. 
 
He’s driving to Nashville with Dad and his brother (with whom he gets along with amazingly well) on Saturday for a concert — the only thing other than money that he’d want for his birthday. 
 
He hopes to go to college (maybe Liberty?) and major in some sort of music and has chosen to follow Christ and I can’t help but think, Brianna Van Wyck did the hard thing at 16 years old. With a snap of her fingers all of his talent could have disappearred into abortion, but instead, when her doctor said “you have choices” she said “I’ve made my choice. I know who is going to adopt my baby.” (Although she hadn’t called us yet so … there was that.) 
 
Happy 17th birthday to the child that made us parents. And thank you Bri for choosing the less traveled path. It HAS made all the difference.

Wednesday, May 07, 2025

New insect on the farm


Absolutely beautiful!

A new insect for me and our farm! 

This is an Eastern Elderberry Borer
(Desmocerus palliatus)

“Adult elderberry borers feed on leaves and pollen from the flower heads of elderberry, and female beetles lay their eggs near the base of the elderberry plant.  Upon hatching, the tiny larvae bore into roots where they feed and develop on nutritious plant tissues. However, elderberry is chemically defended by potent cyanogenic glycosides, toxic compounds that are believed to be passed along from larvae to adults. A taste of these noxious chemicals during an attack may teach a predator that large blue and yellow insects are not to be included on the menu.” - Bug of the Week website 

Greene County
East Tennessee

Rest

 

I turn away because today needs a courage too heavy
and I packed light this morning. 

did you know that rest
is not weakness? 

It took me a long time to learn that one
because I crave moments and energy and highs

but my body does not
some days it cannot carry a tea

much less the courage or hope needed to do anything more

resting is choosing a future over the present
a demanding feat when living in the moment is everything 

still / I honor my body
and unhinged / I rest

to be a force of nature
one must be patient with the storm 

Rest: By R.C. Lloyd

From the book: Chronic Defiance 


Tuesday, May 06, 2025

Never done

I keep believing I am done. I have healed enough. God, I got it. Let me be done. 

And then God says: "No, dear child, peel back another layer of the things you have pushed down inside of you for your whole life."

And so I peel back. And I cry. I weep. I meet with Kim. I talk to my cousin Cara. I break down the pain that has been tucked up inside of me for so long. 

The truth is: I will never be done. I will always be healing and growing. 

Yesterday I had an argument with one of my sons, and as we discussed the situation I realized: My body is calm

There was no dysregulation. Sure, in hindsight, I probably could have handled some things differently. But generally, I handled it well. I had no feeling inside that I might fly off the handle or lose my cool. 

That is regulation

That is having a LARGE window of tolerance.

While my children may choose to misbehave, I no longer feel any need (or compulsion) to use shame or force to get my point across.

I am calm. I am collected. I see their misbehavior as an opportunity for growth. And it is my job to help them grow. Calmly. Securely. Confidently. 

And yet ... despite all the awareness and all the things I see now that I didn't see before ... there is still pain tied up inside of me that hurts to look at. It is hard to look back and see evil and trauma and "yuck."

However, if I don't choose to see it, I will not heal from it. The trauma is tucked up inside you. It is there whether you think you have no memories or choose not to see the memories. And if you don't unpack it, it will continue to eat you alive

How can you tell you are being eaten alive? Here are some things to watch out for:

  • Anxiety of any sort.
  • Depression of any sort. 
  • Losing your temper at any time. 
  • Feeling "pushed to the edge" by other people. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!)
  • Feeling that "others" have cause you to feel bad inside. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!) 
  • Blaming anything or anyone for you not feeling right. 
  • Eating for comfort. 
  • Drinking alcohol for comfort. 
  • Zoning out on your phone or with TV for comfort (regularly). 
  • Sleeping too much. 
Obviously this list isn't exhaustive and you could possibly be doing one of these things and not living with stuff shoved deep down inside of you. But if you think this might be you, don't wait. Reach out. Don't wait until your legs are completely knocked out from under you.

Tuesday Truth



Before a child has language ...

They have sensation.

Before they can understand "you're okay," they feel whether you are.

If your tone is calm but your body is tight ...

If your words are soothing but your eyes are scared ...

Your child will follow the feeling, not the sentence. 

They don't learn regulation through lectures.

They learn it through presence. 

Through the way you breathe when they're melting down. 

Through the way you return after you rupture. 

When we're dysregulated, kids absorb it.  

Not because we're doing something wrong -- but because we are their safety cue. 

That doesn't mean you have to be calm all the time. 

It means your own healing matters, because your nervous system becomes their blueprint. 

And the best part?

Every moment of regulation you practice -- even if its imperfect -- is a message to you child's body that: 

"It's safe to feel. I'm here with you."

Your nervous system speak louder than words. 

Let is say: 

"You're safe."

"You're seen."

"You don't have to carry this alone."  

Monday, May 05, 2025

If you were taught ...

If you were taught to abandon yourself for connection, it's almost guaranteed that guilt will who up the moment you choose yourself. 

Guilt isn't a sign you are doing something wrong. It's a nervous system signal that you've stepped outside a survival pattern that once kept you safe. 
 
Complex Trauma taught you to stay small to keep others close. You shaped yourself around other people's needs to stay safe and connected. 
 
In somatic terms, your nervous system paired connection with self-abandonment. It was taught: if I disconnect from myself, I stay connected to others. That feels safer than being alone. 
 
Now, when you set a boundary, express a need, or say "no", your body interprets it as a threat to your survival with cues like guilt, shame, fear, freeze, or collapse. 

This doesn't mean you're not ready to choose yourself. It means your body is doing what it knows. And now, it's learning something new. 

The presence of guilt doesn't mean go back to self-abandonment. But it means go slow. Support your body and let it learn that choosing yourself isn't dangerous anymore. 

This is how self-trust is built: Not by feeling good every time you choose yourself. But by learning to stay with your body and choose yourself even when guilt shows up.
 
@the.trauma.educator
 ere are a few pictures from our time:

Saturday, May 03, 2025

Visitors!

Our friend Patty (from wayyyy back in Eglin AFB and Turkey) decided to come to our farm for a visit with her two sons: Troy (13) and Cassian (almost 1). Patty's husband, Yamil, is getting his Master's Degree at the University of Tennessee and has to come up to Knoxville four times this year. We had a wonderful day!



On Sunday, the six of us drove to THEM to hang out. We had breakfast at a little southern place: 













Yellow Fever

Yesterday, I realized, at the last minute, that I needed to take Sidge all the way to Bristol, Virginia for a yellow fever shot. He is going to be going on a mission trip to Colombia in June. We scheduled it with our dear friends the Shraders and hunt out together after the shots. We went to Bass Pro in Bristol and also had dinner at Five Guys (everyone but Sidge and me) and Chipotle (Sidge and me.) 

Here are a few pictures from our time:






 
 

Friday, May 02, 2025

April 12x12 #4 "The Contemplative Life"

This is part 4 of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker: RICH VILLODAS for the month of APRIL. The Conference was entitled "How to Engage God About Your Story." Session 3 was entitled: "The Contemplative Life." This talk was by Rich Villodas.

To live a contemplative life, this work will require a different pace of life. You are going to have to change the way you operate and the way you do things. Oh my goodness is that true for me! I have realized that the way I approach people, my family, my life was not working for me! Am I willing to turn on a dime and start something new. Am I willing to truly learn to be with God? 

You need a CONTEMPLATIVE SPACE. You need a MONASTERY. Rich went to an actual monastery and stayed there for six hours with only a journal. Could you sit somewhere for six hours and just "be with God"? If not, why not

Who is a contemplative? A contemplative is one who slows down to BE with God. The challenge with much of our praying is that it is often transactional. How do we hold together petition and articulate our longings for God and at the same time, not regard God as a cosmic vending machine? 

A contemplative is someone who slows down to be with God -- to withhold the beauty of God. Check out Psalm 27 for more on this! (Verse 4 is the essence of a contemplative life.)

The world BEHOLD might be the most important world in the Bible because it is about fixing our attention to the presence of God. 

What is contemplation? 
You can define this as the unburied, opening of oneself to God through silence, scripture and self-examination. The Bible is full of examples of this invitation to a CONTEMPLATIVE life. God shows up in these places of silence and solitude. Think about Moses in the burning bush. Or how he shows up to Elijah. God wasn't only in the whirlwinds or fires. He shows up as a still small voice. God shows up in the sound of sheer silence

There are a few philosophical principles that we need to ground ourselves in for this: 

1. God is Closer to us than we are to ourselves
From one man he made all nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not farm from any one of us. "For in him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 17) We are his offspring!

2. Christ's work on the Cross opens the door to accessing the presence of God
Christian contemplation or contemplative prayer is grounded in an orthodox view of original sin requiring the work of Christ in the new covenant to reconcile humanity to God. Apart from this, the human spirit cannot experience the Spirit of God." (Eph. 2:5) John Coe, Embracing Contemplation

Communion with God is not some kind of human achievement, but is always a gift from God -- a gift most profoundly seen in Christ's work on the Cross. 


3. We are invited to dwell with God.
Check out John 15 for this! Pay attention to a particular passage of scripture in John 15. Repeatedly John says "Abide in me and I in you." In John's writings, the word ABIDE shows up 63 times in John's writings! He uses ABIDE, REMAIN, STAY. 

"Contemplation usually assumes the tangible reality of God's love, our shortcomings, and the inexplicable possibility of reunion." Barbara Holmes

Growing a Contemplative Life entails: 
Our hearts are prone to wander! Contemplation is a reminder to come back to God. Contemplation has nothing to do with our personality types! Being introverted and a contemplative is not the same thing. 

To become a contemplative you need to be ready to:

1. Befriend silence
2. Normalize boredom
3. Reframe distraction 
4. Embrace the truth that prayer is not something we master, but an act that forms us. 
5. Trust that God is always waiting for you with open arms. 

A few other notes:
  • The same Bible that says "Rejoice in the Lord Always" also has a book called Lamentations. 
  • Our pace of life can be violent in not allowing us to spend time with God. The contemplative life seeks to resist the violent pace of life. 
We can do something DAILY and WEEKLY in working on a contemplative life. Rich actually told us how proud he was of us for taking a day each month to be a part of this 12x12 conference. My healing is worth this! We live in a constant/continual state of partial attention. Will you make space for healing and stop moving from one thing to another and avoiding your soul. 

He encourages us to truly find a weekly SABBATH! We are not made for the unrelenting pace of life that damages the attempt at contemplation. 

How hard is it for you to just BE WITH YOURSELF!

Are you willing to make a countercultural commitment to resist the insane pace of our cultural moment? We are not living as human being are designed to be. We are designed for wonder, curiously, play and rest. 

The byproduct of trauma is that there will be no rest for you, all your remaining days. Can you just rest and be with YOURSELF?  

I have totally changed my life after my collapse in 2024. God is different to me. My priorities are different to me. I am taking the time to be contemplative and want to strive to continue to do that. 

Thursday, May 01, 2025

The Farm in Spring

I really think April into May may be my very favorite time on our farm. Our roses start blooming like crazy! And the grass is getting so green.


You can really see what happens after the sheep are done eating. See the areas all around them? They've already eaten down those paddocks and now they are in a new one!

And check out those big clumps of grass in the paddock. Those are where the egg-mobile has previously been. Look at what all that fertilizer does for the farm!!!

This video really shows the development of our land with the animals' help! I love it:

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

Homeschool Theater Production











Three of my four kiddos were in a production at HERITAGE for Theatre. I didn't really get a picture of Isaac, but they are all in a play entitled: The Internet is a Distract ... oh Look it's a Kitten."

So thankful for Kristin G. who helped get all this set up. I just love our homeschool group!

Hang out on prom nite







It was a little sad around these parts on Prom Night. Abigail is only 13. She turns 14 in July. But you had to be 14 by April in order to attend the Prom. While I have Abigail in the 7th grade, she is 8th grade age, and all of her friends are 9th grade. All of her friends were attending Prom, and she didn't get to go. 

So we decided to try to have a fun girls' night. Joni, Jan, Genevieve and Kari and my girls -- we all went to the Mall in Johnson City and then out for a nice dinner. 

I tell you what: I don't like the mall at all. It is totally overwhelming to me. I've really turned into a farmer.


Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Prom 2025



























Isaac attended Prom with a very special lady in his life: Ana Y. We really like this young lady! Sidge decided not to attend and Abigail was just a few months too young to go. He had a wonderful time, and Joni was here to see him off!


Mr. Cellophane

 

This past Saturday, Isaac performed a music theater number for so parents and grandparents. There were about 15 performances, and I have to be honest, I really thought Isaac's was one of the best. It was so entertaining, and just really fantastic. I am so proud of him!

Night Out

 

 

Had an opportunity to go out to dinner with our good friends a few weeks back. Forgot to post this picture. Love Richard and Mary Kay. They are great. We were stationed with them in the Azores when he was a fighter pilot and now he is a pastor on the other side of town.  

Sunday, April 27, 2025

Every time ...

Every time you say "this is new for me" instead of "I'm bad at this," you allow your brain space to learn instead of freeze. That's neuroplasticity in real time. 

Every time you stop to breathe before reacting, you're training your brain to pause before it protects. That's the foundation of emotional regulation. 

Every time you set a boundary, even if your voice shakes, you're teaching your brain that you can protect yourself. That's what builds self-trust. 

Every time you say "I don't need to prove myself today," you shift from hypervigilance to grounded self-worth. That's a deep nervous system reset. 

Every time you allow space for your feelings instead of minimizing them, you're rewriting a pattern your body has held for years. That's trauma-informed healing. 

Every time you let yourself rest without guilt, you're breaking the lie that your worth depends on how much you achieve. 

Every time you say "this matters to me" in a family that avoids difficult conversations, you're disrupting a cycle of silence. That's intergenerational change. 

(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)

Saturday, April 26, 2025

I WONDER ...

I often wonder if I'd ever have realized I needed to heal if I hadn't had kids. 

Motherhood has a way of holding up a mirror to our deepest wounds, reflecting back the parts of us we kept hidden.

My children didn't create my triggers, but they brought them to the surface. Without them, I might never have faced those shadows. 

The showed me where I needed to grow and gave me the strength to break the cycle. 

(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)

It's okay ...

 


Thursday, April 24, 2025

The cross doesn't cancel human emotion

Hey everyone, 

Let's stop spiritually bypassing people's sadness as though it makes the power of the cross ineffective. 

It's weird. 

Jesus wept is the shortest verse in the Bible, yet its meaning screams so loud.

God wanted us to know that pain matters,

presence matters, 

and love doesn't skip over suffering.

It sits in it. 

In so many Christian spaces, we've learned to bypass sadness with scripture and slap "God's got a plan!" over the heartbreak of another as though a band aide could really care for a bullet wound. 

But disconnection dressed in spirituality is not comfort. 

It's not faith to pretend that you're not sad. It's not weakness to acknowledge grief, disappointment, or trauma. 

And it's definitely not holy to pressure someone into suppressing what Jesus himself made space for. 

Jesus didn't rush people out of pain. 

He entered it. 

Holy doesn't mean happy all the time.

The cross doesn't cancel human emotion.

It redeems it. 

The Power of the Cross isn't diminished by tears. 

It was actually born in them. 

(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)


An Emotionally Intelligent Parent

Here are three great habits to work to change in order to practice being an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENT. 

1. I try to never tell my kids "You made so angry when you did or didn't do _____." I don't want my kids to feel responsible for my or anyone else's feelings. Yes, I want them to learn that their actions or words affect other people, but kids are really good at blaming themselves for their parents anger.

2. I refuse to send them to their room when they are emotionally dysregulated.  Of course if a kid is hitting or being violent you may need to remove them from a situation but far too often, we angrily send them to their rooms to be alone when they are upset or angry, but all they are learning is that big feelings are bad, I'm bad, and my parents don't want to be around me when I am sad or angry. I refuse to punish them for not getting emotional regulation right at the age of 7 when I still don't get it right at 47!

3. I will intentionally take accountability and responsibility. When I mess up and get over-stimulated, and I say something that I shouldn't, it's really easy to want to sweep it under the rug. It's really easy to make excuses in my head and blame them for the fact that I yelled. Try asking your kids at bedtime if there is anything you need to apologize for that happened that day. "Is there anything on your heart? Because it matters to me." And if they are bold enough to share that I hurt their feelings, I am going to listen! I am going to nod. I am going to say, "Thank you for telling me what you are feeling. I am sorry." Because I want them to learn those skills a lot sooner than I did.

Not so obvious signs you are actually healing:

1. You're not addicted to "potential" anymore. If it's unclear, inconsistent, or costs your peace ... you're out. 

2. You let a text sit. Not to play a game -- you just didn't feel like explaining your energy today. 

3. You walked away from a conversation that used to drain you. Yes! Without guilt, without the need to circle back!

4. You stopped screenshotting things just to prove a point later.  You're not building a case anymore -- you're just moving on!

5. You had a hard day and didn't spiral into what's wrong with me. You just had a hard day. That's it. That's all it had to be. 

6. You noticed the pattern. And instead of romanticizing it, you finally called it what it is -- and backed off. 

7. You used to rehearse what you would say if they came back. Now? You don't even want to the conversation. 

8. You don't instantly blame yourself when something goes wrong. You pause now. You consider. That's new. 

9. You don't feel the need to be the strong one every time. You're letting people show up for you -- even if it's messy. 

10. You're no longer rushing the in-between. You're letting the quite do its thing. 

Healing

If you kick a dog enough times, guess what that dog will eventually do? 

That dog will eventually begin growling. He will begin to bite and snap. His behavior will get very challenging and very difficult. 

People will come in and see the dog and say, "What is wrong with this dog? Why is this dog acting like this? This dog needs to obey! This dog needs to stop that aggressive behavior."

But that dog is desperate. That dog has no other choice. The dog is using the only weapon he has. 

What weapon does a child have? Either they get wild and go out and party or get on drugs or drink. Or they talk back. They yell and kick and scream. This is just a tool they are using to get their parents attention. They are screaming, "Do you see me?! SEE ME! Stop kicking me. Just love me."

(And obviously, there can be exceptions to this rule both with animals and children ...)

I am determined to be an AMAZING mother. Not just a good mother. Not just an "okay" mother. I am going to rock it. I am going to grow and stretch myself in all ways and knock it out of the park. Because by doing so, I set my children up to knock it up for the next generation and this is how you change generations!

I truly believe this job I have is the most important job I will ever have. I am creating the foundation for four new families, and it's very important. 

I am determined that my children will know and feel the following things: 

  • Abigail, I can handle your big emotions! 
  • Hannah, your feelings are important to me! Let's discuss them. 
  • Sidge, I got you!
  • Isaac, I am willing to repair rupture. I will apologize. 
  • Abigail, I am intensely working to be a better human. 
  • Hannah, I am available to help you regulate yourself. It's my job!
  • Sidge, you are not responsible for my emotions. 
  • Isaac, anger, fear, grief, worry and frustration is all welcome in our home!
  • Abigail, I am attuned to you, annoyingly-so. I hope you say to me often, "Mom, leave me alone. I'm okay already."
  • Hannah, your dreams and heart matter to me uniquely.
I am sure there are others. But these are the ones that I am most focusing on with my children RIGHT NOW. 

When my child screams and says, "I hate you! You are a terrible parent!" I turn to them and say, "It's okay. You are allowed to say that. I love you. I can handle those big emotions." 

And when they are calm and able to discuss, we can talk through what those feelings are. 

My child is allowed to express all emotions that are swirling inside of them. 

And if the insides of me get all jacked-out-of-place ... guess what? That is NOT about them. EVER!

Think about it. Am I ever allowed to smack an old woman in the grocery store who is disrespectful to me and say to them, "YOU MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY?!"

Of course not. 

If I am feeling upset by what she said, I must, as my own autonomous person, handle those feelings inside of me. She is not allowed to dictate the emotion inside of me. 

The problem is, most humans are wound up so tight from their own trauma, they don't know what to do with how they are feeling inside. When you see someone go off on someone, it isn't that event that is causing the explosion. It's the fact that the person is already so wound up inside that this event sets them off. 

If a parent ever hits or smacks a child out of anger, that is never, ever, ever the child's fault. It is always and completely the parent's fault. The child is a CHILD. Just like a dog is a DOG. The dog is going to respond as dog's do. But he is reliant on his owner to help him regulate himself. Children cannot do that without a parent. 

If a fellow parent comes to me and says their child is screaming and yelling and disrespecting them, my attitude now is so different than it would have been two years ago. Two years ago I would have believed that the parent needed to fix that disrespect by punishments and consequences. Oh, how wrong that is. 

That isn't to say that you don't punish the child for their behavior. You may do that. But first, you need to look at what is coming out of them. Why are they screaming like that? What is inside them that is causing that? Am I seeing them? Am I attuned to them? Do I feel them. Do they feel felt? Am I with them? 

It was when my children became teenagers that I realized I had some very broken brain messages traveling through my head. And I had to do (and am still doing!) a lot, lot, lot of work to fix those messages. 

When I yell at my child, it is never my child's fault. It is my fault. I am not saying that they didn't do something against the rules. But I need a system in place that allows me to discipline them without raising my voice, hitting them, or trying to exert sheer will over them. 

Children never turn away from a parent by choice. They never stop going to a parent by choice. They only stop when they know the parent is not capable or unwilling to be there for them. This is not the child's choice. A child is designed to want their parent more than anyone else in the world. 

Oh, how blessed I am to have discovered this thing inside of me causing this dysregulation! The other day, my sweet little Abigail was working on an English project, and she suddenly got very overwhelmed with the assignment. I could see it all over her body. Old Wendi might have said, "Oh Abigail, just get over it and do it." 

But new Wendi instantly realized: Abigail needs me! She needs me to regulate her own self because she doesn't have the maturity to do it yet. I moved over to her and wrapped my big body around her little body, and I looked her in the eye, and I said: I got you Abigail. I will not abandon you on this assignment. And then I instantly watched calm spread over her body. 

And I was so excited to see that! To get to do it!

When my kids come to me with a conflict they are having with a friend or a worry or a complaint or a concern, I now get SO EXCITED! I say: THEY ARE COMING TO ME! THEY KNOW I CAN HELP THEM REGULATE! THEY KNOW I AM HERE FOR THEM!

It makes me giddy. I will turn to JB and say, "They are coming to us!" 

And he will smile back. 

Having a complete mental and nervous breakdown in 2024 was the worst thing I ever had to go through. But if going through it allows me to do what I am doing now, I would do it all over again. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2025

Springtime is here!

 

John posted this picture on Facebook and wrote: 

"Moved the sheep to a new paddock, and Wendi thought this was a perfect place to call a friend. I can't disagree."


Tuesday Truth



Monday, April 21, 2025

The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 10

 


Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here.