What if ...

 ... the Lord is preparing you for such a time as this.

I don't think there is always purpose in our pain. I think sometimes pain is just PAIN. It sucks. It is one thing to say "put this at the cross" or "praise God during the storm." 

It's another thing to be IN the storm.

And I do think sometimes there may be a purpose. 

I'm in pain right now. It comes in waves, and I am having some good days mingled in there. But I am grieving a lot of things that I pushed down and away for a long time. I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't know I was doing it. Often we push things away until we are better able to handle them. I couldn't afford to do this when my kids were small. Now is the time. It's time to not push away and bring these things to the forefront.

I have been gifted with some AMAZING women in my life who are STANDING IN THIS WITH ME. One of them is my cousin. She battled depression for many years. Way longer than I can imagine. She is not there anymore. And so she has the ability to be with me during this time of low.

She has decided to be in this pit with me. She isn't actually of course. The pain is not on top of her. But she's texting me everyday. She's calling me. She's letting me cry with her. She's not getting tired of me. She's saying "I'll cry with you." That is so ... unrequired and ... nice.

And do you want to know part of the reason that I, in my weakness, can allow her to do this with me?

It's because she has made herself intentional in her life. Purposeful. She says "no" when she can't handle something. She says "I can't" when it just isn't possible. 

And that means that when she says "yes" I know she really means "yes." 

She can't promise what tomorrow holds, but for right now, the Lord has given her the strength to walk with me step-by-step. It is truly one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given. More than people who stood alongside me in other times of my life because this valley is SO SO dark sometimes. 

And my cousin isn't the only one. I have five other women who have made themselves available to me as well. And I have many others who would be there for me if I asked them to be. Or they are there for me every couple days or weeks for some encouragement.

It is hard when you are the needy one. When you can't give much and can only take. 

But it is so nice to have people who are willing to give.