A radar "blip"

Another great post online from a blog I love: When you feel a little weary. Holley Gerth's words encouraged me. Hit me in a moment that I needed what she had to say so much. Made me feel like she had written it just for me.

I am nearing the twelve week mark in this pregnancy. Nearly as exciting is that in a few days, (March 1),  I will be able to stop taking the two hormones (progesterone and estrogen) that I have been taking daily since our IVF transfer near the end of December. I am hopeful that with the increase in weeks and decrease in medication, I may see an alleviation in how sick I have been.

I originally tried to avoid talking about not feeling good on this blog. Mainly because, years from now, I want to look back and remember the highs in my life. Mainly because, I don't want anyone to mistranslate my sharing how I am feeling with not recognizing the miracle of life.

I really don't want to remember how this feels years from now. I just want to remember the happiness of another baby. Not the cloud of sickness that feels so dark some days.

I know I have had other times in my life when I have felt lousy. My recovery after Elijah. PPD after two of the kids. I had a dry socket. I had my appendix out. They all seem like they were just a blip on the radar. I know this will too. But when you are in it, the blip feels so blippppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I have felt the Lord tugging at my heart a bit. Encouraging me to allow His gentle nudge influence what I share instead of just "not saying anything." I realized that during the last seven weeks that I have been sick, I have found great comfort in the words of others.

Blogs. Websites. Emails. Songs.

Words. All words.

I realized that sharing about this time in my life is not just about me.

It's about Him.

And if I can encourage one other person, than I am right to share. If anyone misinterprets my intention, then I don't believe they are seeing the core of me and my heart.

So I will share a bit. I share to help anyone reading this today, tomorrow, weeks, months, years from now, to find encouragement. To hear someone say, "I felt that way too." Many of the blog posts I have read are from women who just felt lousy. Posts like this one.  At some point I'd like to compile some of the words I have found or people have sent me so that others can stumble on my blog and not feel alone.

This blogger wrote: "I've talked about how Morning, Noon, and Night sickness can feel like a never-ending tunnel. Many women suffering from it find themselves depressed and despondent. If people think it's rough having a 2-day stomach flu, you can imagine how much harder it is to cope emotionally when it's a 60 or 200-day bout of nausea during pregnancy."

Just hearing someone say, "Yeah, I felt that way." Wow. So helpful. Especially the part about "depressed" or "despondent." On a bad day, I feel sort of depressed. I just feel so down. I start missing America. Missing family. Missing the old Wendi.

Where is she?

I have heard people talk about morning sickness. I thought I had it in my previous two pregnancies. But this time is quite different. While I don't throw up, I am nauseous so much. Some days are good days. Some half days are good days. And some days the nausea seems relentless. I have been taking medication for the nausea. On a bad day, it will stop the dry heaving but not stop the feeling that I have to throw up. I have tried every other morning sickness piece of advice I can to stop the nausea. Somedays, crackers seem to work. The next day they don't. One day some sprite helps. The next day, not so much. Nothing has seemed to consistently relieve the daily feeling that I have to throw up.

I can't explain this feeling. When I write about it I can't help think myself. That's not so bad. If you aren't throwing up, then you are okay. But it doesn't feel that way at all. JB got sick the other day. He didn't throw up but felt terrible nausea. He came downstairs and gave me a big hug and just encouraged me. He told me it was a reminder of what I feel like so many days.

I often wish I can throw up. I feel like if I did, I would have some relief for a few minutes.

I wish I could say I am dealing with this "gracefully" but I don't think I am. Connie and John have seen me. I get so weary and feel so overwhelmed that I sometimes lose it. I have long periods of feeling emotionally worried, down, and I can get very irritable, especially with the kids. Prior to this illness, I never really feel, truly, that I lost my cool very much. It just isn't my style. But when I feel really sick, before I even realize it, I'm losing my cool. I'm speaking in ways that I don't like to speak.

I am managing to keep our routine nearly completely. While I had had to stop things for a few weeks upon our return to America, we are doing all the things we used. The boys got to Awanas on Tuesday evening. We go to storytime at the library on Wednesdays. On Thursdays, our MOPs group has some sort of activity. On Friday this week I had some friends over to the house.

My Aunt Connie helps me around 30 hours during the week. She's been trying to be with me more Monday thru Friday. She goes with me to the activities and helps around the house and provides another set of eyes for the kids. JB is with me on Saturday and Sunday. This allows me to usually have a teammate I can tag out to if I need to.

But I don't want to tag out. I want to be their mom. I miss them. I miss being the mom I feel like I usually am. Instead I feel like I am just going through the motions sometimes.

I know I will. I know this will be a blip on my radar so soon. In the meantime, thank you to my friends who have written me. One wrote, "Some days, it was all I could do to throw my kids a granola bar."

That made me feel better. She has six kids now.

Blip. blip. blip. blip. blip. blip.

P.S. I would LOVE to hear from some of you all with times in your life that you have felt the blip was really feeling long and how you got through it! Or maybe you have some encouragement for me or others reading this. Remember, I hope years from now, women see this post and feel encouraged.