This photo hangs in our home. And I often wonder what people see when they see this photo?
This woman spent an entire pregnancy so depressed and ill during that she was often passively suicidal. She managed to sleep each evening by taking an Ambien every three hours so that she could get rest despite the nausea. She and her husband were little more than doctor and patient for the entire pregnancy.
The last six weeks she lived with her parents in Florida while her husband was back in the Azores. Her three children with her. Trying to function. Doing what was necessary. But watching everything as if from outside her body.
Her other three children were cared for but not cherished. The oldest commented that he wondered if he'd ever see his Mommy smile again. His Mommy was hanging on for dear life.
But this photo. This photo! When I look at it, I see:
happiness
serenity
peace
tranquility
And I wasn't feeling any of that.
I was feeling:
relief
worry
doubt
fear
guilt
When you watch people's pictures on Facebook fly around and think to yourself, "Oh I wish I had what they have ..."
Please remember.
It's just a picture.
A picture doesn't capture the soul. It doesn't capture feelings. It doesn't tell the whole story.
Oh sometimes it gets close. And I am in no way slighting photographers on the gift of their art. But we need to remember that it isn't always what you see. Unless you were intimately involved with me, you didn't know. And even then, I didn't tell many that I felt like dying even though life was growing inside me.
(And to those who stood close by during this time: thank you!)
I have since continued to battle and anxiety and depression off and on. There are occasions when I have been able to fight it without medication as I had to do while pregnant. There have been other occasions when I have turned to medicine to help me.
I manage my mental health well, but it's there. It's hard. I have many friends right now struggling themselves. They may look fine to everyone else. And even evoke feeling of jealousy from friends who think they have it altogether.
But they may not have it altogether at all.
Love your people.
Check on your people.
Know that what you see on the outside isn't always what is flying around on the inside.
Sometimes a picture doesn't say nearly enough words.
This woman spent an entire pregnancy so depressed and ill during that she was often passively suicidal. She managed to sleep each evening by taking an Ambien every three hours so that she could get rest despite the nausea. She and her husband were little more than doctor and patient for the entire pregnancy.
The last six weeks she lived with her parents in Florida while her husband was back in the Azores. Her three children with her. Trying to function. Doing what was necessary. But watching everything as if from outside her body.
Her other three children were cared for but not cherished. The oldest commented that he wondered if he'd ever see his Mommy smile again. His Mommy was hanging on for dear life.
But this photo. This photo! When I look at it, I see:
happiness
serenity
peace
tranquility
And I wasn't feeling any of that.
I was feeling:
relief
worry
doubt
fear
guilt
When you watch people's pictures on Facebook fly around and think to yourself, "Oh I wish I had what they have ..."
Please remember.
It's just a picture.
A picture doesn't capture the soul. It doesn't capture feelings. It doesn't tell the whole story.
Oh sometimes it gets close. And I am in no way slighting photographers on the gift of their art. But we need to remember that it isn't always what you see. Unless you were intimately involved with me, you didn't know. And even then, I didn't tell many that I felt like dying even though life was growing inside me.
(And to those who stood close by during this time: thank you!)
I have since continued to battle and anxiety and depression off and on. There are occasions when I have been able to fight it without medication as I had to do while pregnant. There have been other occasions when I have turned to medicine to help me.
I manage my mental health well, but it's there. It's hard. I have many friends right now struggling themselves. They may look fine to everyone else. And even evoke feeling of jealousy from friends who think they have it altogether.
But they may not have it altogether at all.
Love your people.
Check on your people.
Know that what you see on the outside isn't always what is flying around on the inside.
Sometimes a picture doesn't say nearly enough words.
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