Tuesday, November 05, 2024

I've realized my calling ...

....is teenagers. And not little kid teenagers. Like 16-26 year olds. I love them. 

When we did the trip to see Liberty University, John said to me via phone that he was proud of me. That this was my wheelhouse. 

And I realized, he's right. I love it. That's the age I used to teach many moons ago. This is the age I used to coach. I love these kiddos. I just find the precipice of adulthood and seeking the Lord and striving to find his calling to be SO fun. 

I'm mentoring Gabe and Maryah a bit. I just love seeing them begin to create a life together. I love being able to help them to do that. It's a ton of fun. 

I realized that I had a hard middle school life, but generally, high school and college was pretty pleasant for me with people in my life. And so, those memories are GOOD and POSITIVE. 

Sometimes, in the midst of being a mom, we can forget where our wheelhouse actually is. It's important to remember what makes us who we are and the things we love doing.

Tuesday Truth



Friday Funny Flashback

November 5, 2016

Isaac: "Mommy, Hannah has the water running and her foot in the sink."
Me: "Hannah is that true?"
Hannah: "No. It was two feet actually."

November 5, 2012 

When I came to say good night to the boys, Sidge informed me that Daddy had just told them a story in front of the fireplace about "Uncle Map" and "Uncle Wob". Matthew Kitsteiner and Rob Kitsteiner! (Sorry Ray -- Ray Kitsteiner, you didn't make the cut.)

Monday, November 04, 2024

365 Days of Rest #69


Ella, Genevieve, Hannah, Abigail, Eoin, Zach, Liam and Wyatt 

If I’m being honest, calling this a day I focused on rest is a stretch. It’s co-op day, and it’s insanity. But I did invite some kids over to play in this gorgeous fall weather. And I did force them outsides and I did make myself sit down and just listen to my Bible Study lecture and color. 

But I made tons of mistakes today. I got overdone and lost my cool and made many mistakes as a mom and a wife. 

Mannn, some days it feels like I take two steps back for every one forward. 

But I pray it’s the other way around, and I’m inching forward. 

Liberty University!








Friday, November 01, 2024

Having trouble doing my REST



Picture it. Me. Treading water in the ocean. Holding a beach ball under the surface. Not too hard. 

But now picture me holding seven, eight, nine .... ten?! beachballs under the surface. 

You may be thinking: that's not possible

And I would say: Of course it isn't. But man I was going to try as hard as I could

Recently, I've been plagued by a wave of the old-Wendi-thinking. I'm so much more aware of these patterns of thinking that have been my worst enemy for most of my life. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just put all of my awareness back in the box I unpacked. But my counselor reminds me that it is hard to change 45 years of poor thinking patterns. Instead, when those thinking patterns plague me, I need to have COMPASSION for myself. I need to have GRACE for myself. What would I say to myself if I was my own best friend? I would say, "Wendi, you are doing okay. Look at all the work you have done! You have come so far! Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie."

And I would remind myself that my brain thinks it is protecting me. Cara reminds me to open up my scalp, pat my brain on the head, and say, "Bless her little heart. She's trying really hard." 

The thing is, my brain thinks it is protecting me. It's a jet fighter that has locked in on its target and thinks that keeping it in range, ready to fire upon, is in its best interest. Only, it's locking in on something that isn't really a threat. Because I'm learning, I am able to say, "Wendi. Silly. That isn't really a threat." But the fear screams LOUDLY!

I have become absolutely intertwined in the world of mental health. I want so badly to free everyone the way I have been freed. Why won't people do this? 

Well, the answer is simple really. Looking this beast in the face is really, horribly, scary and hard. It's a big beast. And it requires you to see your past and see things that hurt GREATLY. It would be easier to stick your head in the sand and pretend those things didn't exist. 

The problem is, when I was ten, I would float in the ocean and only hold ONE beachball under the water. That was easy to do.

When I was twenty, I was pushing TWO down. A little harder. But totally manageable. 

At thirty, I had three. And at forty, four. 

But now I am closing in on fifty. I have a fifth beachball now, and I cannot hold them all down. They are squirting out every which way. I'm trying to hold them down so hard. But it's just not possible. They are coming out somewhere, somehow. 

Maybe they come out in drugs. Or alcohol. Or pornography. Or promiscuous behavior. Or anger. Or lack of sleep. Or obsession. Or in my case: depression and anxiety and some anger too. 

But they WILL come out. 

This is why you meet some little old people who are very cranky. Do you blame them? They are trying to hold 8 or 9 beach balls under water. That's almost IMPOSSIBLE!

Kim paid me a great compliment during our weekly therapy on Tuesday. She told me that when she first met me (ten years ago when we first hired her to help Sidge with some anxiety he was having from moving back to America from Portugal), she would have never guessed I had the stuff in my past that I did. I looked like I had it altogether. I was highly functioning. 

I had learned to be strong, determined, focused, tough. 

But I was breaking.

And didn't even know it. 

No wonder people in our world are involved in the types of behaviors we are witnessing. I have no confusions as to why people drink or do drugs or run away or kill themselves. I know exactly why. And I don't blame that at all. They have found a way to cope with whatever the demon is that they need to run away from. They are doing what they can to stay alive. 

So was I.

Until the beach balls wouldn't stay under the waves any more. 

And so now, I work to heal. And I battle. And I grieve. And I am sad. And sometimes I feel okay. And I work as hard as I can for this pain to go away. And for peace to come in the morning.

And I pray. And talk to Jesus. And some days, I can only put my head on his lap and cry … and know that he has felt what I am feeling intimately. 

This life is hard. But we know the end of the story so we press onward! 

Liberty







We are visiting Liberty University this weekend in Lynchburg, Virginia with my Aunt Jan, three of my kiddos, my niece Ana (Gabe's sister), and Malachi (Maryah's brother). Both Malachi and Ana are seniors and Liberty is definitely an option for them next year. Isaac is only a sophomore, but I think the intense music program here makes him really think about attending here. 

Today we drove in and arrive around 430p. We had dinner with my friends the Yerringtons. We were stationed together in Turkey, and now they live here. Dan is the head of the Aviation department, and they have five amazing children. We were going to stay with them, but the size of our group lead to me getting an AirB&B. 

On Saturday (tomorrow), we will do a tour of the entire school and then more specifically, the music department. John is currently on nights, and Sidge is manning the farm. He didn't want to come. Honestly, Sidge has no desire to go away to school. He wants to stay local and live on the farm. (And I'm really glad he does!) But I know that Isaac really would like to go away to college, and more specifically, focus on music. 

Excited to see more tomorrow. We watched a little of a volleyball game today and are so impressed so far by what we are seeing here.

Attachment Styles

 

I've been studying "attachment styles." Attachment styles refer to the the way our primary caregivers interacted with us as infants, and how those interactions affect our relationships in adulthood. You could use this to determine how YOU were attached to YOUR parent, however, you can also use it to see how well you have have attache with your OWN children. I haven't asked my children to take these quizzes yet, but I plan to. 

It's important to know that "it's okay" if you mess up with your kids. Kids need TWO main things, and if you aren't doing that, start doing it today: 

1. They have to know that they can come to you. You can make sure this happens by doing the work yourself to make YOURSELF more healthy so you can be there for them. 

2. The child needs to feel ... felt. They need to know that you understand their emotions and are there for them and willing to listen. This can be hard to do because kids want to talk back about everything. :) When do you listen and when do you say, "You need to just do what I say." It's harrrrrddd.

Here are a few quizzes you can take to see what your attachment style is:

  • The Attachment Project:This link WILL require your email address at the end of the quiz, but there are no further requirements to see your results. 
  • The Attachment Style Quiz: Another free one, but you will have to put in your email address. 

The 4 different attachment styles

Beyond categorizing attachment as secure or insecure, there are three subsets of insecure attachment. So if you have: 

1. Secure attachment style ... you are where we all as humans "should" be. If you have an insecure attachment, it is one of the three categories:

A. Anxious/ambivalent attachment style

B. Avoidant/Dismissive attachment style

C. Disorganized/dismissive attachment style 

There is SO much online about this so I won't try to "recreate the wheel." I think these are super helpful to understand, but again, not everything can be traced back to childhood. We have the power to get help, to change our direction, to reach out. It isn't easy. But it is possible.

I also want to say that we don't need to blame all of our issues on childhood. But looking things in the face will help us move forward, heal, and do better as we raise our own children. 

We will ALL make mistakes. All of us. But we can try to heal, move on, and do better. 

I pray NO ONE feels judged by this. I am SO THANKFUL that I've been able to look into some of this and see it!

Halloween