Tuesday, April 23, 2024
Sunshine
This statement above is SO true. But SO hard. It's one thing to say things like Billy Graham did: "Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." The reality of this is PAINFUL.
I want so badly to be all the way THROUGH this trial. I know I am getting better and better. Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, I completely felt like myself. But Monday and today, I've been battling some of the sadness that comes with depression. I know depression cycles like this. I know that I'm on an "upward spiral trajectory." But every time I get down, it feels like I will stay in this valley. It doesn't feel like I am growing. It feels YUCKY. My lows aren't as low as they were, but it is still SO hard to be out on the other side.
Oh the growth! I see the growth! I see how it will make me a better person. A freer person. A less obligated person. Already I can feel my "need to keep people happy" decreasing tremendously. Small things that I would normally take upon myself, I am not putting on my shoulders. I can see that. But right now, where I am, I just want this to be over.
Newsies is over. That is a mixed bag of relief and sadness. It was a very fun time and a stinkin' amazing show. But our family is grateful for the break in our stress-level.
Man, the weather is beautiful right now. I've made a point to be in the hammock during a lot of my rest times. Tennessee this time of year can be freezing or even HOT but today, it's a beautiful 69 degrees and the sun is out.
I'm just ready for the sun to be out .... more than now and then ... in my own life as well. I'm getting there. Ride the waves.
Sunday, April 21, 2024
My Thank You Post (to Newsies peeps)
Here is the note I posted on the Facebook page for Tusculum's Newsies Cast & Crew. This was where all the parents (and kids -- who mostly used their parent's Facebook account since Facebook isn't really a thing the young people do as much as the old people) communicated about the show.
Saturday, April 20, 2024
Wednesday, April 17, 2024
A small example
Who wants to look at their old "stuff"? No one really does. We'd rather "just not think about it." And you may choose to do that. And it may work for you. You may be one of those people who can manage to push it away. But many cannot. The things we push away have to be dealt with in some form or fashion. Maybe we deal with them through medication or through medicating ourselves (with alcohol or drugs for example.) Maybe we are a work-a-holic. Maybe we people-please (like I did). But we come up with some way of coping. And the coping works. Until it doesn't work anymore.
I am having to rest more than I have EVER rested. It feels exorbitant. But I'm listening to my body. I'm saying "no" when I need to say "no."
A small example.
I had big days on Friday and Saturday so I prepared to maybe skip the Newsies show on Sunday. But this meant I might need to let my nephew Gabe down. He was coming because I was there. But, I texted him anyways and said, "I may not make it to Sunday's show." I didn't like doing this, and sure, maybe Gabe would be disappointed. But taking care of myself has become TOP LEVEL importance. If I don't take care of me, I can't function. And if I can't function, then our house will really come to a halt. So I need to make sure I have the bandwidth to do what is being asked of me.
I want to be through with this. I want to be healed and done and processed and moved on. But I'm not. Yet. So I keep working and dealing and learning and striving and trying. I am not getting it all right. But I'm getting some of this figured out!