Freedom and joy in the death

 

 

The old parts of me are dying. 

And Oh, the pain of the death!  

These feelings and emotions I have had, I have had since I could toddle around. They are IN me. They are a part of me. And they did, indeed, keep me safe. 

And now I must let them go. 

I know this may be hard for anyone to understand who has not traveled a healing road. And in fact, just a year ago, I would have thought the words "healing road" were so incredibly ... cringe (as my kids would call it.)

But that is what it is.

I had to get to the root of the behaviors that were LITERALLY (as Abigail always says -- everything is literally with her) LITERALLY killing me. 

My brain has been trying to keep me safe for my entire life. And it's way of keeping me safe was to protect me from pain. But that protection created a coping mechanisms ... multiple coping mechanisms. 

And they no longer worked. 

And so, I heal. 

But, unlike this picture above ... I am no longer frightened. 

I am sad. 

Frustrated. 

Exhausted. 

But there is no fear now.

It is freedom.

And joy.

In the freedom.

Friday Funnies

The Beauty of Suffering

 

This life we live is not just happy. There are

hard, 

depleting, 

exhausting, 

monumental, 

suffocating things. 

The Bible is FULL of scripture detailing Jesus' pain. And the pain of others. The scriptures are full of stories about 

pain, 

grief, 

loss, 

sickness,

death,

suffering. 

We people spend so much time trying to wish the grief and suffering away. I spent my entire life it feels, trying to our-flank the reality of what this time on earth includes. 

What if, instead, we embraced these things? 

 

What if we saw all of this HARD as a time to be 

REAL

VULNERABLE

OPEN

with other people? 

The collective sharing of our hearts with people who are attuned to us ... matters ... infinitely more than you can ever imagine.

And this community-filled vulnerability is important in all states of life: the happy times and the hard and sad times. 

(But truthfully? It matters even more in the muck.)

May we each experience ALL this life brings us, 

all the emotions, 

collectively, 

beautifully, 

and vulnerably. 

 

I want my children to understand this. I want them to know that I am there with them in all the things: the hard things and the beautiful things. I want to weep with them. Because the weeping will come. 

They must know it will come but know that in the deep mourning that this life will inevitably inflict upon them, Jesus is more present than ever. 

It is truly in the times of our most intense suffering that our Savior is closer than ever.

Because all the things are part of the Lord's story and the story of our lives. Not just the happy things. All the things. 

Can we possibly see the horrendous pain in our lives as an intentional GIFT from the Lord? I always thought pain meant bad. But maybe that pain is actually the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. 

I now see pain and suffering and weeping -- guttural, deep, horrific, intense -- weeping -- as some of the most amazing moments in my life. 

Because it is in that weeping that God truly meets us in the most real ways. 

And it is in that weeping that our vulnerability brings us alongside others. 

And it is in that community that we can experience healing and growth beyond our wildest dreams. 

Hilarious Hannah

Ritter pics

Hair

First Snow White Weekend

Weekend one of the show is OVER. Due to snow, we now have a second weekend of shows. That is a bit exhausting to think about it. But it is what it is. We will have another dress rehearsal on Friday evening and then our last show on Saturday. 

My last year struggling with my mental health has really opened me up to being able do something I was never really able to do before. I can say what I am good at! I am not sure why I couldn't do that before, but I find it much easier to admit the things I am gifted in since coming to terms with the hard stuff from my past. 

I am good at running the backstage. Mostly I am good at diffusing tension. My desire for people to get along means that I have found many coping mechanisms to assure that people aren't upset at me or someone else. As I have healed, I no longer have the terrible fears of upsetting people. But my skills in keeping a room upbeat is still with me. 

This year, at this new auditorium, my job is even easier. I sit backstage at a little table and just make sure that the various rooms know who is supposed to be there next. It truly is easy and while I'm supposedly "in charge", I actually don't think I am really doing very much. 

Here are some of the favorite pictures we have compiled thus far!

I loved this scene.

My niece Ana is Snow White! This is her senior year. I can't believe how much ballet has become a part of her life since they first moved to our area in 2018. She didn't start dancing until she was 13, and what a lovely dancer she is!

Abigail is in the back left. She is dancing the part of the "dark elements" with her friends Alyssa (in front of her), Ayla (back right), and Emma (front right). This is the first year that Abigail has received a more modern role, and she has enjoyed the unique challenge.

Another one of her as a dark element.

I love watching Ana!

The director: Lori Ann Sparks as the Holy Spirit

Don't worry! He didn't really kiss her. The prince (Aiden) is a professional dancer and is so good at his craft.

Abigail was also an angel in the "Chapel Drama" scene.

I am proud of Evil Abigail. :)

Our friend Ezri got the part of "Middle" Snow White. She's a great little actress.

The Pomegranate is on the far right in the sash. (Ezri ends up riding her ribbons off the stage as part of this scene.) Cousin Genevieve is in this scene too.

None of my kids are in this sword-training scene, but I just really loved how it looked. Being at the NPAC is more expensive for our company, but the backdrops have been so incredible!

Isaac has many roles -- that is him in black.

Here he is in another role. Hannah is next to him.

Abigail is in this scene in one of the gold dresses. And Sidge is backstage, so that's our whole crew.

There is Abigail with her cousin Ana.

Abigail doesn't like her face here, but I like seeing her. This is from a dress rehearsal as evidenced by the guy back in blue jeans ;)

Really pretty!

Little cat and gecko

That's Maryah as the mirror; Abigail is also in this scene

My favorite scene in the ballet was Johnna Beth and her brother, Elijah playing the deer and the huntsman.

This was a very cool scene!

Kari -- she's a sophomore now and is turning into such a beautiful dancer

Hannah has multiple roles including that of the cat

Preparing for cast photo

Sweet Genevieve / Hannah's cousin and dearest friend.