There is a prerequisite to healing. You must be growing in AWARENESS if you are going to be healed. You have to choose to pay attention to what is happening in your mind or your body. Most of us don't do that very often or very well.
I recently listened to another episode on the PODCAST: The Place We Find Ourselves.
Why the Practice of Awareness Heals Your Brain with Terry Bohn
While I listen to these podcasts, I have begun to take notes. Honestly, these are mostly for me. But I wanted to share them on my Blog. I really think that if this is something you are interested in, you should listen to the Podcast yourself. But if you want a "quicker option", here are my notes!
INTEGRATION: is bringing all parts of ourself together. Integration leads to well-being and healing or as the Bible says: SHALOM.
Trauma impairs integrative functioning in the brain. So when we experience heartache or harm, our brain does not process that well. Our brain becomes disconnected, and we need integration for optimal health.
AWARENESS: can be defined as:
- attentiveness
- mindfulness
- meditative thinking (which is not anti-Christian thinking)
- intentional thinking
- paying attention to what is happening inside of our minds and bodies.
- paying attention to our feelings and our thoughts and the sensations in our body.
Awareness exists on a spectrum. This spectrum can have three levels.
- DISASSOCIATION: At the far (and one could say "unhealthy" side) is disassociation. This is if when you disconnect from life, and this is often a coping mechanism and a defense. When something is overwhelming, you might have to tuck it away because it is too much. (Children often have to do this to survive.) So in other words, awareness is important, but God has designed our brain to allow us disconnect in those times in order to protect ourselves.
- DISTRACTION/SELECTIVE ATTENTION: The spectrum can also include distraction/selective attention (more of the middle of the road) where you are very aware of some parts and not so much of others.
- FULL AWARENESS of what is going on inside of you is the healthiest.
From the moment we are born, we need attachment. We are born looking for someone who is looking for us. Throughout our entire life, we look for people who are looking for us. We are looking for that safe place to be ourselves, to be authentic, present, awareness, and enjoyed. Are you aware of what is happening inside of you when someone actually likes being with you? Can you pay attention to what that feels like? On the flip side, what is it like for you when you see the feeling of contempt from another person. Are you aware in that moment of what is going on inside of you?
We have a profound ability to choose to pay attention to what we want to pay attention to. You can direct your attention consciously to whatever you want. But it takes P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E. You must be attuned to yourself. I started this journey in March. It is something I think I will be working on my whole life. But each day I feel like I understand a little bit more what is going on inside of me.
One example is that when I get into arguments with JB now, I am much more likely to back-up and see his point. Not because I am just being nice. Because my defenses are down lower. And they are down lower because I am not triggered in the same way I was before. With the kids, I am able to look at things more and say, "Why is what they are saying upsetting me so much?" I am not, in any way, saying I figured this out. But I am saying that I am seeing things much more clearly and intentionally.
Your body is always in flux. At any given moment, are you breathing faster or slower? Are you anxious? If I say the words "let's go to a cocktail party," what goes on in your body when I say that? Do you want to go? Does it scare you? Are you okay going there alone? At any given moment, you have feelings and need to be aware of what is happening in your body when those things come up.
And, almost more importantly, we are raising children with feelings. Can we help them navigate this? Can we teach them the things that we were never taught?
The brain cannot integrate if we are not paying attention to what happening in our bodies when someone says "Cocktail Party." When your boss comes into your office. When you see a homeless person. When your child gives you a disrespectful look. Are you paying attention to what is going on in your body? Nowhere is this more relevant than in your close relationships within your home: spouse and children if you are an adult. And if you are a child, your siblings and your parents.
Awareness is the prerequisite work to begin healing. This means that we must BE MINDFUL. There are often competing thoughts going on and because the noise in your head is so loud, you find it difficult to pay attention to any of the thoughts with much success. Awareness is the ability to actually pay attention to what you are paying attention to.
Mindfulness is paying attention in the present moment to whatever you are feeling in any given moment but without judgment. WITHOUT JUDGMENT is a huge part of this conversation. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. But when were you taught to actually love yourself? What is the negative self-talk that you have lived with for so long actually saying? And it is truth.
Give this a try. When you feel yourself spiraling and your brain is saying all these things to yourself, try writing them down. When I get in a fight with one of my teenagers, my brain goes into some very negative self-talk. It might say things like: "You aren't a good mom." "You will mess up your kids." "Your kids don't love you." "You are a failure." Often this self-talk is so ingrained in us, we don't even realize it is happening. I have started PAYING ATTENTION to the self-talk and being AWARE of what my brain has been telling me for most of my life.
I took the time to write this self-talk down. And then, later, I went back, and re-read these points with more clarity outside of the moment. Most of the statements were either not true or they were exaggerated greatly. For example, I might have said, "I am screwing up my kids." In fact the statement should read, "We are all sinners and making mistakes. Some of my mistakes might mess up my children, and if they do, I hope that I can be there for them to own and apologize for the sins I committed." I might also say, "I yell too much." This is actually true for me. So the statement could read, "I yell too much, and this is something I must continue to work on in my life."
Where does judgment pop up in your life toward yourself?! Most people are unaware of the dozens of moments of self-contempt in our day-to-day life TOWARDS OURSELVES!!! Most likely, your self-talk is grouped into some categories that continually emerge. My negative self-talk almost always surrounds my failure as a parent or my failure as a wife or a friend. Everyone's self-talk can be different depending on your strengths and weaknesses and past trauma and current triggers.
Let's say you get a thought about something you forgot to do and what follows is the judgment you feel toward yourself for forgetting to do that thing. Try picturing that "feeling" or "judgment" going by on a conveyor belt in a big warehouse. Watch it go completely out-of-sight. You have the ability to say, "This frustration does not need to own me in this moment." You have the ability to learn ways to actually see that thing as not being real. Or being something that you are working to be bigger than.
When Kim is doing therapy with me, she often says Notice that. If judgment creeps in, that takes the ability to pay attention. If we can we just be Curious about what is going on inside of you, that really changes everything. That allows for a more spacious awareness of what is going on in you.
When you get really angry at your kid, can you not judge yourself but instead be curious as to why you are reacting that way. If a loved one looks away when they pick up the phone. Can we just be curious as to why they did that instead of barking at them for doing it. We can have awareness of the judgment that we are passing. Emotions are not a bad thing. They are uncomfortable. But they are data that we can use.
I'll give you an example. I recently had an argument with one of my children. As I am working on healing and awareness, I became very aware of my behavior during the argument. I felt stupid. Instead of judging myself for feeling stupid, I started thinking about why my teenager had the ability to make me feel stupid. Where did I learn that behavior? Why did I care what their opinion of me was? I still don't quite have the answers to these questions, but being aware what was happening and that this wasn't about my child as much as it was about me, was incredibly helpful. I had never thought about things like that during arguments before. But now I am! I am not trying to solve it right then. Sometimes I tuck it away to discuss it with Kim later. For now, it is simply something I can pay attention to and see if I can figure out the triggers and reasons that I might be reacting the way I am.
When a loved one picks up their phone, can you calmly say, "I don't know why this is happening to me, but when you picked up your phone, I felt something in my body and it really bothered me." This will allow the brain to integrate. You don't have to know why it is bothering you. I actually said to my child during the argument, "You know what? I am not sure what is happening in my body, but I am triggered when you don't believe something that I know is truth. It makes me feel stupid. But I am realizing, that isn't your fault. That is simply something I am feeling. This is more about me than you, but I may need some time to work through this."
[Sidenote: Did you know that when you are in an argument with someone and your frontal lobe is engaged, if both YOU and the other person are in this position, you have a 6% chance of solving the disagreement? A way better idea is to walk away and come back later ... when you are calmer and can think more rationally. You usually need at least twenty minutes to calm down.]
How does the brain "heal" or "change"? Paying
attention to your feelings and body sensations can actually create
neural firing patterns in the brain that enable your brain to change.
And that is called HEALING. How does this happen? There are three main ways:
1. New neurons can actually develop. This is called neurogenesis.
2. Neurons that were not previously connected or wired together, become wired together. Or, their wiring is strengthened.
3. Building myelin! The myelin sheath overs your neurons. Not all neural circuitry transmits information at the same speed. Imagine a fight with your spouse. You get disregulated because of something they say. Imagine how the next five minutes of that fight might unfold if you can calm yourself 3,000 times faster! Myelin helps that happen. There is actually research that shows that some people have stronger/better myelin than other people. This is why some people can handle anxiety so differently from other people.
Doing this is SCARY, however. I want you to know that being vulnerable is never easy. I really suggest you find 1-5 people with whom you can completely practice this without fear that they will shut you out of their life.
We might think: "If I let myself feel these things, I might never come back." It can be scary to open up this box!
Our mind is an emotion. And even if there are crazy waves on the surface, there is a YOU that is independent of the stuff on the surface. You can dive down and be present and look UP and decide what you want to do with the stuff on the surface. Most of us spend our day on the RIM of awareness instead of coming into the center and being able to look O-U-T. You can pay attention the stuff but you are NOT that stuff.
You
can
heal.
