I have been unable to get the image of the four-wheeler accident out of my mind. I hope that this time on the cruise will clear my mind a bit. Every second of what happened is seared into my memory, and yet there are so many details that I can't make sense of in my mind.
Hannah has since told me that when the four-wheeler flipped, she was lying on her stomach and was under the seat. Abigail said her feet were stuck, and she was right next to me. I felt like I was incredibly stuck, and yet, somehow, after a matter of minutes, I wasn't stuck anymore. I can't figure out how that happened. While the seconds are imprinted, the exact details are very foggy.
I remember hearing my girls screaming. And I remember being absolutely helpless to help them. I remember thinking that one of them must have been seriously injured. That there was no way the machine hadn't landed on them and injured them significantly. I remember thinking that if I couldn't get out and get help, they could die where they were, and I was so stuck, I had no way to help them. I remember wanting to lift the four-wheeler but being absolutely unable to make it move.
And then it moved. Suddenly I was climbing out. And I have no idea how I went from totally stuck to totally unstuck. My mind doesn't have that answer.
Here's what I do know: I am not blaming myself for what happened. It happened. It was my fault. But I'm not going to spend time dwelling on that if I can help it. But in the end, I was STUPID! It was an incredibly stupid idea to have my kids on a four-wheeler at all since I barely knew what I was doing. It was stupid to not have helmets. It was stupid to go down into the field. I was uneducated and just didn't understand the power of the machine I was on. I am so blessed that I am able to learn the lesson with only some bruising and soreness.
JB took a lot from the accident too. He said that he wants to take some time to let the newness of what happened wear off, but we want to reevaluate the decisions we are making on the farm. Our lives are not worth this new lifestyle. And we will not forget that.
Yesterday I watched my two little girls walk together to Grama's house. They were both wearing a dress and had their hair down, and as Abigail started walking too fast, Hannah yelled: "Hey wait for the little sister." I thought: I could have lost them both. Or I could have lost one and they wouldn't have a sister. The thought is unbearable to me.
I feel some guilt that we were spared and other families have instead faced loss and grief. I do not pretend to understand the ways of life. I only know to trust God and keep walking forward.
But instead of dwelling on what I did wrong on that Sunday, I am using what happened to remind myself that I must be vigilant, prayerful, thoughtful, and listen to the Holy Spirit. When I am driving my car, when I am crossing a street, when I am working on the farm, I need to have my eyes open more, think before I act, and be more deliberate in the decisions I make.
As always, by keeping it real on this Blog, I pray that you can use what happened to me in your own life.