What if ...

 ... the Lord is preparing you for such a time as this.

I don't think there is always purpose in our pain. I think sometimes pain is just PAIN. It sucks. It is one thing to say "put this at the cross" or "praise God during the storm." 

It's another thing to be IN the storm.

And I do think sometimes there may be a purpose. 

I'm in pain right now. It comes in waves, and I am having some good days mingled in there. But I am grieving a lot of things that I pushed down and away for a long time. I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't know I was doing it. Often we push things away until we are better able to handle them. I couldn't afford to do this when my kids were small. Now is the time. It's time to not push away and bring these things to the forefront.

I have been gifted with some AMAZING women in my life who are STANDING IN THIS WITH ME. One of them is my cousin. She battled depression for many years. Way longer than I can imagine. She is not there anymore. And so she has the ability to be with me during this time of low.

She has decided to be in this pit with me. She isn't actually of course. The pain is not on top of her. But she's texting me everyday. She's calling me. She's letting me cry with her. She's not getting tired of me. She's saying "I'll cry with you." That is so ... unrequired and ... nice.

And do you want to know part of the reason that I, in my weakness, can allow her to do this with me?

It's because she has made herself intentional in her life. Purposeful. She says "no" when she can't handle something. She says "I can't" when it just isn't possible. 

And that means that when she says "yes" I know she really means "yes." 

She can't promise what tomorrow holds, but for right now, the Lord has given her the strength to walk with me step-by-step. It is truly one of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given. More than people who stood alongside me in other times of my life because this valley is SO SO dark sometimes. 

And my cousin isn't the only one. I have five other women who have made themselves available to me as well. And I have many others who would be there for me if I asked them to be. Or they are there for me every couple days or weeks for some encouragement.

It is hard when you are the needy one. When you can't give much and can only take. 

But it is so nice to have people who are willing to give.

Tuesday Truth

Sunshine

 

This statement above is SO true. But SO hard. It's one thing to say things like Billy Graham did: "Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." The reality of this is PAINFUL. 

I want so badly to be all the way THROUGH this trial. I know I am getting better and better. Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, I completely felt like myself. But Monday and today, I've been battling some of the sadness that comes with depression. I know depression cycles like this. I know that I'm on an "upward spiral trajectory." But every time I get down, it feels like I will stay in this valley. It doesn't feel like I am growing. It feels YUCKY. My lows aren't as low as they were, but it is still SO hard to be out on the other side.

Oh the growth! I see the growth! I see how it will make me a better person. A freer person. A less obligated person. Already I can feel my "need to keep people happy" decreasing tremendously. Small things that I would normally take upon myself, I am not putting on my shoulders. I can see that. But right now, where I am, I just want this to be over. 

Newsies is over. That is a mixed bag of relief and sadness. It was a very fun time and a stinkin' amazing show. But our family is grateful for the break in our stress-level. 

Man, the weather is beautiful right now. I've made a point to be in the hammock during a lot of my rest times. Tennessee this time of year can be freezing or even HOT but today, it's a beautiful 69 degrees and the sun is out. 

I'm just ready for the sun to be out .... more than now and then ... in my own life as well. I'm getting there. Ride the waves.

My Thank You Post (to Newsies peeps)

With Eliza Girton. I got to teach her in middle school English/History this year at co-op and have been at Heritage with their family since 2015!

Cousin Gabe (with a little Joni squished in)

Me with Isaac; he plays numerous characters through this production including Darcy, a scab, and a Brooklyn Newsie.

Amelie! Amelie is a friend from church/ballet. She has ALWAYS wanted to be in Newsies and landed her dream role. 

Our friend Bailee Price (her mom Jessica disappeared!)

Two CBT girls (Katy and Grace) who did a LOT of dance in the show.

A special young woman in my life: Katy Higgins.

Owen was OUTSTANDING. He attends Towering Oaks Christian School and was simply AMAZING. This is Katy and her mom with him. 

Here is the note I posted on the Facebook page for Tusculum's Newsies Cast & Crew. This was where all the parents (and kids -- who mostly used their parent's Facebook account since Facebook isn't really a thing the young people do as much as the old people) communicated about the show.

I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you. There are so many people to thank ...

Most of you know, I’m an athlete. A jock. I haven’t the slightest idea about theatre or music or the arts. Like, seriously, I’m a nincompoop when it comes to anything not involving athletics.

But God, in his great sense of humor, made 3 of my 4 children with a love for dance and theatre and all things musical and the arts. (The fourth likes nature — not sports either!)

While we discovered Isaac had a knack for music when he started piano lessons years ago, we never saw theatre coming. Had he not taken Kristin Girton’s homeschool theatre class just two year ago, I’m not sure we’d have known. And then Gracie Weems directed his first show and encouraged him beyond measure. He was hooked.

Not one of my children play a ball sport (alas!) but last night, while I watched the show for the third time, I thought THIS is teaching even more than a ball sport ever taught me.

Seriously.

The kindness and encouragement and friendship and camaraderie among this group of humans has blown my socks off. Both my husband John Kitsteiner and I feel so incredibly fortunate to have Isaac learning so much from so many different teachers of all ages. We are very protective parents, but we know this group is safe and has his back.

Steve Schultz, I almost tear up everytime I see you because, as someone who coached and taught, I know what this show has taken from you in time and energy and LIFE. It’s huge. And it matters. It matters to the confidence and poise and lessons and all the things my son has learned. And he’s just 1 of dozens and dozens! (And Erin Hensley Schultz … this goes equally for you!)

So, while a thank you is just a thank you … this is a BIG one. Truly. Blown away. Blessed beyond measure. Thankful to God for Greeneville and surprises I never saw coming.

Newsies Prom

Click

here: 

To read all about it!

SOLD OUT!

 

A small example

I met with Kim again today. We meet virtually, and it works out so great to have that easy convenience. Here's what I was reminded of: my body is healing. It's healing from tons and tons of stuff that I have shoved away or pushed down or not allowed myself to feel. Nearly every person in the world probably has done the same. This isn't unique to me. It's just that my "stuff" boiled up to the surface, and I've got to look at it.

Who wants to look at their old "stuff"? No one really does. We'd rather "just not think about it." And you may choose to do that. And it may work for you. You may be one of those people who can manage to push it away. But many cannot. The things we push away have to be dealt with in some form or fashion. Maybe we deal with them through medication or through medicating ourselves (with alcohol or drugs for example.) Maybe we are a work-a-holic. Maybe we people-please (like I did). But we come up with some way of coping. And the coping works. Until it doesn't work anymore. 

I am having to rest more than I have EVER rested. It feels exorbitant. But I'm listening to my body. I'm saying "no" when I need to say "no." 

 A small example. 

I had big days on Friday and Saturday so I prepared to maybe skip the Newsies show on Sunday. But this meant I might need to let my nephew Gabe down. He was coming because I was there. But, I texted him anyways and said, "I may not make it to Sunday's show." I didn't like doing this, and sure, maybe Gabe would be disappointed. But taking care of myself has become TOP LEVEL importance. If I don't take care of me, I can't function. And if I can't function, then our house will really come to a halt. So I need to make sure I have the bandwidth to do what is being asked of me. 

I want to be through with this. I want to be healed and done and processed and moved on. But I'm not. Yet. So I keep working and dealing and learning and striving and trying. I am not getting it all right. But I'm getting some of this figured out!