PPD? Not me?

To say I was afraid of post-partum depression would be a gross understatement.

Terrified?

Easily.

Even though I could reflect on making it through PPD two times previously, I could easily recall how horribly the "getting through" part was -- especially during my pregnancy with Abigail. 

One thing I knew for certain.

I did not want to feel that way again.

Ever again.

I also did not want to stop having to breastfeed because of a medication I had to take to combat a vicious emotional attacker.*

JB and I discussed PPD often during my pregnancy. We knew that the fact that I had faced it previously increased my risks. We also knew that the fact that I was battling depression during my pregnancy did not help my case either.

I prayed hard.

I asked others to pray.

We also brainstormed ways to help prevent a repeat of pregnancy number two. We decided that to give myself the best chance of keeping that darkness way, I would:

• Get as much rest as possible 
• Surround myself with as must support as possible
• Not stress about breast feeding
• Not over extend myself

It was very important to us that JB was present post-partum as much as possible. It was for that reason we chose to have me fly to the USA solo. We wanted to save as much of JB's leave time as we possibly could for after delivery.

We also planned to have his mother come back to Portugal with us. We couldn't be positive, until the twelfth hour, that this would occur, but we were hopeful that it would. And it did.

My mother, saved a week of her vacation to use while I was home. But while I so wanted her to use that time during the end of my pregnancy, I held back my requests as much as possible so that she could use those days after I had the baby -- a key time in my healing time.

And so far, so good. I am now five weeks post-partum and feeling amazing. 

JB asked me today: "Do you even feel slightly depressed?" I do not!

I really haven't had any moments. Not a single one. 

Oh praise the Lord!

He asked me: "Do you feel like you are just getting trough each day?" I do not!

I feel like I am thriving. I am enjoying my days. I am enjoying my children. I am in love with life. There are a lot of adjustments. There are four children under five in my home. That's a lot. But we are doing as well as we possibly can.

It is amazing to be able to say that. Depression is a dark, terrible place. Mental illness is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I'd rather be physically ill than mentally ill without question. 

I continue to pray that PPD stays at bay! Each day that I am healthy is an amazing blessing from the Lord.

*Many women choose to breastfeed on antidepressants. This was a personal decision my husband and I made regarding medications and breastfeeding. 

the 'ing's of our life

Hannah is camped out in the living room in a basinet. When JB needed to turn the light on above her head, he pulled out his eye mask to help make sure she stayed asleep. It really cracked me up!

 

Learning. We are learning our new little girl. So far she seems very mellow and sweet. She has a nice cry. (Some babies ... well, ummm, Elijah ... did not.) She is slowly getting her days
and nights screwed on straight and is very snuggly and chubby. We like her. :)

Welcoming. There's a new sibling to welcome aboard. Each of the kids is getting to know Hannah in their own way. Abigail doesn't want to hold her as much as I thought she would. (Which is probably a good thing.) But she's kind and curious and gentle which is great. Isaac is very sweet with her, giving her kisses or talking to her. However, overall, you can tell she's not anything of great note on his radar. Sidge asks the most questions and is the most curious about her arrival: umbilical cords, breast feeding, diaper changing ... Sidge wants to understand what is going on.

Doctoring. So glad to have a doctor on board. Little things are popping up. I've got some sort of rash on my stomach and legs. Hannah's bottom is mighty red. I've had some really bad pain in my lower left side. Those types of things. And having JB here means I just have to say, "What do you think about ..." and we have an answer. That alone was worth four years of medical school and three years of residency. The hospital recommended the local "Pediatric & Associates" which is right down the street. They saw Abigail on Monday and will see her again next Monday before we fly back. They can also get a letter which the airlines may require for flight.

Recovering. This is where Wendi is right now. I'm recovering from my fifth (and prayerfully last!) stomach surgery. Overall my recovery has gone nearly flawlessly. I was able to leave the hospital a day early and am now navigating the stairs at my parents' home and actually able to pick things up off the ground without using my toes. My biggest obstacle is always trying to manage the pain while keeping my bowels moving. (Percocet can back you up to put it bluntly.) I have a great fear of my bowels shutting down again like they did with Sidge and gas pain is a booger!

Preparing. We are preparing for our return to the island. Hard to believe we are planning to navigate a return trip in just a week. We will take a commercial flight north and then we hope to catch a military flight back to the island. Unfortunately, it's an overnight flight. Yuck! JB is also busy packing up boxes to ship stuff home. Man, we've accumulated a lot of things during our two months here.

Scrubby-ing. We miss him. JB's tech back on the island, a single gal whose name is, ironically Hannah Olivia (which were our two final contenders for a baby name), is staying at our house and taking care of our pup for us!

Passporting. We are getting the little lady ready to fly! We were able to get a birth certificate the day after the baby was born. Today JB managed to get passport photos of Hannah at a local pharmacy. On Thursday, JB, me and the baby will spend the entire day in Miami (about an hour away) getting her a same-day passport!

Visiting. We are spending time with family members we won't see for quite awhile. All of JB's brothers and sisters are here or have been here except for his sister Katie. My brother lives here too. John's sister Elizabeth flew in from South Carolina with her twin boys. His brother Rob and his girlfriend came down two weekends. We've gotten to spend some good quality time with his brother Matt and his wife Danielle. It's been great.

Blessing. We are watching the Lord's blessings every day. Individuals in my parents' Bible Study have been blessing our family with meals. What a great gift! This was a place that both JB and I spent our entire childhood, and it is wonderful to touch base with individuals who played a part in my life growing up.

Watching. A bit more TV than we are used to. Abigail has become addicted to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She makes a sign for "Mickey" by putting her hands on her head like ears. She asks to watch it nearly non-stop so mostly we are trying to keep her episode viewing down to a few a day. What will we do when we return to the Azores and we do not have Direct TV?

Eating. Aaaaaah "American" food. We sure are trying to get our full before we head back "home."

Marathons

The worst of my morning sickness finally left my life at 27 weeks.

But ... if I am being honest, there are many days that it has reared its head once again. The good things? The bouts of nausea were shorter. The waves not quite as intense. The dip in my mood much more identifiable.

Since I've been back to Florida, I had two short 'bouts. One was in Costco with my parents. Bad day. Another came on me one morning. But both passed fairly quickly, and while I am definitely not floating through these last three weeks, this last trimester has been by far the best part of my pregnancy. (And not many women can say that!)

But then on Friday morning I found myself at JB's parents' home -- picking up the boys who had had a blast spending the night at Grampa and Grama K's house. Instead I got sick. And I stayed sick. All day Friday. Most of the day on Saturday. Woke up this morning, Sunday, and found myself knowing that as soon as I stood up the nausea was waiting.

And I got weary.

I called my husband.

My amazingly wonderful, incredibly patient, unbelievably supportive husband. He told me to "hang on a second." He was pulling up a calculator on the computer. "Ummm, JB? I'm feeling really sick and really down and really wondering if I can do this for three more weeks."

"Yeah," he began. "I know. But I'm comparing this to a marathon. And if you are 36 weeks into this, then you are 23.5 miles into your marathon. C'mon Wendi! You are 2.5 miles from the finish line where we finally get to meet our little girl. You ... can ... do ... this!"

He's right of course. I can. I have. I will. I just didn't want to feel sick anymore.

I managed to take the kids to my parents' church. Abigail didn't even attempt the nursery, but the boys, after a quick crying spell from Sidge, had a great time, and thoroughly enjoyed the post-church breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (those stores are everywhere!)

And then this afternoon, the really intense nausea began to dissipate, and I began to feel a bit hopeful that it isn't as bad as it was and that I can do this and that I will do this and that this little miracle from the Lord will be worth every single day of nausea that I have had.

I also said a prayer to the Lord and thanked him for my husband. The logical thinker. The one who is busy adding up my weeks on a calculator in order to be encouraging to me even though he was up most of the night due to a very busy call phone.

I love you JB.
I love our boys.
Our girl.
Soon to be our girls.
Thank you.

Regular Contractions

It was right around 30 weeks pregnant with Abigail that I started having fairly regularly contractions. (You can read that post here.) They ended up shipping me off to Germany right around 31 weeks, and I remained there until Abigail made her debut at her scheduled C-section date: 39 weeks.

I am still taking some Zofran for nausea on an irregular basis, but basically, the intense morning sickness ended at 27 weeks. However, right around 31 weeks, I started having fairly regularly contractions. They have continued. I basically get them every day. They are worse when I get tired or when I am doing anything strenuous.

The contractions are not too intense. Normally, I can talk through them, but sometimes (like today), they can get intense enough that they sort of stop me in my tracks. JB is not too concerned about these contractions because with Abigail, they did not result in cervical change, and she stuck around until 39 weeks. We are figuring that the same thing is occurring with this little girl. (By the way, she is still nameless. We have a few names we like, but we honestly think it may come down to the "day of" before we make a final decision.)

I tell you what though. I'll take these contractions over nausea any day. I am very uncomfortable a lot of the time and moving slowly, but ohhhhh to not feel like I am going to throw up most of the day -- what an amazing blessing!!

Either way, the Seeligers headed home to the USA today, and the kids and I are making plans to head back to the States in just a few days. We will stay with my parents in South Florida until baby's scheduled C-section on September 5th. (Unless, of course, she decided to come earlier.) JB plans to join us in the USA a few days before the scheduled section. (And hopefully ... she'll wait until Daddy gets there to show up.)

Is 27 the magic number?

Could it be that my morning sickness is ... actually ... gone? That the nausea and dry heaving and out-of-breathness has passed? I've thought it was gone before, prayed that it was gone for good, only to see it return. But this time, it has stayed gone. There haven't been really any hints of it returning. Even when I lay down, a time that usually the nausea would overrun me, it has not been present. I don't believe you can "jinx" things, but I've still been hesitant to really say out loud (or write out loud) the hopes that I have finally gotten through the "first trimester" (yeah, right!) sickness.

Google "morning sickness" and every single site will say some variation of the following: "Morning sickness (or really 'all day and all night sickness'), is one of the most common physical signs of early pregnancy. However, not all women will experience morning sickness and it is not an 'essential' physical sign you have to experience to be pregnant. Typically, morning sickness starts around 6 weeks of the pregnancy and continues until about 12 to 14 weeks of the pregnancy. However, morning sickness may start later than 6 weeks and may continue until 16 to 20 weeks of the pregnancy (and occasionally beyond)."

It says occasionally. I don't want to be in that group!

My morning sickness started closer to week 4 and as the magic number 14 came and went, I set my sights on having the sickness end by week 16. That came and went. 18. 20. 22. 24. 26. I was giving up. I had talked to women and read about women who stayed sick during their entire pregnancy. But I did not want to be one of those women! How could I be one of those women?

If you have ever had a stomach bug, something that left your stomach lurching, I am sure it sent you reeling. But to have that stomach bug for 24 weeks? Six months?! It really seems to much to ask of anyone!

Well, now, at 28 weeks pregnant, the nausea appears to have left. For good? I am hoping. I can also sleep now without Ambien which means I can nap too!

JB kept telling me that the "down-ness" I felt was due to the sickness. That as I felt better, my mood would lift. Boy was he right! I am honestly a new woman. I'm getting chatty again. I'm wanting to do things again. I'm feeling like Wendi again.

I went in today for a repeat 20-week ultrasound since we couldn't get a clear picture of baby girl's spine on the previous one. I am 28 weeks. She is measuring at 30.5 weeks. She is riding very low with her head down (and pressed firmly against my bladder.) In fact, the tech estimated she is weighing nearly 3.5 pounds at this point. (She was concerned about gestational diabetes because the baby was so big but that test, administered today, came back negative.)

No matter what, I am praising the Lord for the good week I just had. I am praising Him for the ability to sleep. I am praising Him for the ability to eat. I am praising Him for the obviously healthy baby (she moves like crazy nearly non-stop!) I am praising Him that I am able to enjoy her more now. That I am able to enjoy my other three children more. That my husband and I are able to reconnect and conversate more readily. That my mood has lifted.

Some women are able to keep better perspective then me. Of that I have no doubt. I do think that the length of time I was struggling and the fact that my mood was effected early on by the IVF drugs compounded my issues.

Either way, I am celebrating how I am feeling now and just praying it continues. Getting very excited to meet this little lady in just about 10 weeks!