If a child is being hit, yelled at, blamed or shamed, it is most nearly always not the child’s fault. It is the parents. 

5 Questions you can ask to help adjust disrespectiful behavior

1. "What's been the hardest part of your day or week? I really want to understand." This shows you really do care about them and creates a sense of safety.

2. "When you feel this way, how does it feel in your body?" This helps your child be aware of physical sensations and how they connect to their emotions in the moment. (Be patient if they say "I don't know.")

3. "Picture Jesus with you right now. What would He want to tell you about this?" Invite them into the truth of God's love and safety. (Time and repetition is important here -- especially if they are new to talking to God.)

4. "What do you wish I knew about how you're feeling right now?" Active listening makes the child feel seen and loved.

5. "IF you could change one thing about this situation, what would it be?" Let them know that their behavior can change and they are in the driver's seat of that change.)

Taken from rebecca.jo.grant on Instagram.

Eternal / Temporal

Lightning strikes somewhere
and we're mere mortals once more
This is tragedy's tongue

Our suffering made temporary
Our pain flashes by
Our God / eternal

Hope lends strength
And we cling to the impermanence of pain
Coupled with the promise of eternal glory

Trace the hurricane with your weary eyes
Learn to live and love within the storm
Even as pain fights you for ownership of every moment. 

The sharp bolt may never dissipate in this life
But the knife dulls over time
As you inch closer to the endless

Your moments are numbered
Decimals in light of eternity
Soon enough you too will be a memory

From the book: Chronic Defiance 

Iris Festival

Life has been ...

....

busy here.  I am on a New Member Committee so last week I made 18 phone calls to introduce ourselves and interview potential new members to our cooperative. We had a graduation, a graduation rehearsal, and a dinner for Tusculum supporting the memory of Chuck Bowlin. It was just a lot!

While school is mostly done now, little Pomegranate is still finishing up at the Kotynskis. She will be done at the end of the month. Our olders are mostly completely done although all of them will do math throughout the summer. 

Here is a little update on all of the kiddos: 

Isaac: Isaac is now 17 and is working at Yoder's almost 30 hours a week! It's a great job for him, and he seems to really enjoy it. I think it's fantastic that he can practice in an area like customer service as I think his life will involve a lot of "schmoozing" -- especially if he goes into the Arts. He is also still taking piano, voice, and guitar. Theater is mostly finishing up for the summer. He will be attending a theatre camp at Liberty University this summer with Randy Belt's (John's co-director at the ER) daughter Rylee. I am super excited for him. Generally, Isaac has become a pretty easy kid to parent. We had some challenging growing pains when he was 14-15, but mostly, now, he is enjoyable. He also has a girl that he likes :)

Elijah "Sidge": Sidge is 16. He still takes Karate two days a week. I think he will probably get his black belt by the time he graduates high school. He is working on the farm, hunting, and also working for other people (Daniel S., Aunt Betsy, Gabe, Grampa) sometimes. He is now driving as well which really helps here -- even though they share a vehicle. Sidge will be taking full-time college classes this fall which will be a very big change for him. His classes will be on Mondays and Wednesdays so he will have time to work on the farm and get some outdoor, hunting time in. While he does enjoy playing his allotted time of games on his phone each day (30 minutes), he is otherwise listening to hunting or some political podcasts (he likes Charlie Kirk) or reading. He is soon to leave for Columbia on a mission trip which is super exciting!)

Abigail: Abigail will turn 14 in July. She is still very involved in ballet. She probably is my least "liking" of school, and while she is a very good writer, doesn't even enjoy that all that much. She is really gifted with photography and spends time editing those items. She is going to be attending an overnight youth camp in Florida (WITHOUT her brothers as they have theater and mission trip). Abigail LOVES her friends and her social group (including a certain young man :) and is very intentional about her relationships -- something I never saw with the boys. 

Hannah: Hannah is 11 and as spirited, spunky, silly, and sweet as ever. She is just a spit-fire and so full of life. She loves ballet, and Ms. LoriAnn asked her to help at the princess and beginner camps this summer. She is super smart and schoolwork comes very easy to her. (If it doesn't, she can easily get frustrated as it isn't "normal" for something to feel hard.) She is very good on the farm as well, and if Sidge can't help us, Hannah is the next one in line to step in. She is the best cook and seamstress in our house and remains incredibly creative (and a bit messy :)

 

Tuesday Truth

(More) Prom Pictures

Prom pictures are coming in from Melissa Hankins who took them for prom this year. Wanted to make sure to share them.

Blessed Assurance

Promise me you'll cling to hope

Your entire universe hinges on the word And what it means to you

Is it a pinky promise that they'll always be there Whispered plans between lovers Wishful thinking about what's next

Or is it an assurance unwavering Because the One who gives it Is the same One who breathed starlight into existence? 

I pray you choose the latter

From the book: Chronic Defiance 

Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism

 

These notes are for Episode #127 from the podcast The Place We find Ourselves. This particular episode is called "Trauma, Fragmentation, and the Soothing Certainty of Dogmatism."  

I put this episode off because the title scared me, but it has been one of the most powerful episodes I have heard Adam Young do. I encourage you whole-heartedly to please consider listening to this episode if YOU are someone who gets incredibly opinionated or hard-headed about your political or religious opinions or if you know or love someone who is like that. 

I also want to preface these notes by saying that I am a very devout Christian, and so is Adam. Breaking down the dogmatism of religiosity is not saying people should not follow Christ whatsoever so please do not begin your listen thinking I am coming from that place. 

Here we go ...

Adam is going to explore how trauma leads to fragmentation in the brain and then he will explain what our brain does in response to the terror of fragmentation. 

What is trauma? 

Just a reminder of what trauma is so you will understand what it means when it is referred to in this podcast.

1. Helplessness (that ability to move your body or use your voice to make the awful thing stop happening).

2. Abandonment by potentially protective caregivers

What is fragmentation and how does trauma cause fragmentation? 

When you experience something, your brain records memory in five ways. There are more, but these will help us as we get started in understanding this:

1. Thoughts you had during the experience

2. Feelings you had during the experience

3. Physical sensations you had during the experience

4. Bodily inclinations you felt in the midst of the experience

5. Visual images of what you saw during the experience

Suppose when you are seven-years-old, you are having fun playing at a park when a dog rushes at you and bites you. Your mother can't get to you in time to protect you from the dog. 

1. Thoughts: "A scary dog is coming at me." That is stored in a certain part of your brain.

2. Feelings: At the same time, you feel the emotion of fear as the dog is charging at you. That emotion gets stored in a different part of the brain. 

3. Physical sensations: You feel a tightening in your chest and increase in your heart rate. The memory of those physical sensations, get stored in a different part of your brain. 

4. Bodily inclinations: Your body also has an inclination to want to run. That memory of wanting to turn away and run is stored in another part of your brain.

5. Visual images: As the dog gets close, you see an image of the dog's angry face. That image is stored in an entirely different part of your brain. 

They are all stored in your brain at the same time but in different brain locations. In a non-threatening experience, all of these different kinds of memory would connect with one another. The neurons would be sufficiently connected. That is called integration.

However, in a threatening experience, these five kinds of memories do not sufficiently connect and that is called fragmentation. Those five aspects of your memory remain largely separated from one another. All the various aspects of the memory become separated. In other words, in trauma, your emotions about the event, do not get connected with your thoughts about the event which do not get connected with the physical sensation. 

Bessel van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score explains that "When we experience something traumatic, the overwhelming experience becomes fragmented so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts and physical sensations related to the trauma take on a life of their own."

When neurons are not sufficiently connected to other neurons, that is what we mean by fragmentation. It is another way of saying separation. Disconnection. 

In the aftermath of trauma, your brain will become more fragmented which is to say less integrated. 

Dan Siegel's primary contribution to our understanding of trauma is that brain health is a function of integration. In other words, the more connection between parts of your brain, the healthier your brain. 

Disconnected, fragmented brain = traumatized brain

Connected, integrated brain = healed brain

Here is really important information about POSSIBLE TRAUMA. That dog biting event? It does NOT have to be stored in your body as trauma. An example from my own life is a scuba diving incident I witnessed as a new mom. A woman in our group died, and I was one of the last people to speak to her before she died. However, at the time, I was in some counseling and had a group of people who processed the event together and a husband who took me out onto the water again after it happened. I therefore do not believe that event was stored as trauma in my brain. 

Not all harmful events traumatize the brain. 

If, in the case of the dog bite, your mother runs over to you and gets the dog away from you and comforts you in the midst of the fear and talks to you about what happened, then mom's attunement and comfort and care allows your brain to link up those disconnected aspects of your memory. By receiving sufficient care in the wake of a traumatic event, your brain is able to connect/integrate the fragmented recordings of the memory. 

If a memory is recorded as trauma, it was not recorded in a healthy, coherent, integrated way. That is what good care does. It allows the fragmented recordings in disparate parts of your brain to connect with one another and become integrated. 

Developmental Trauma

Now, the event that Adam just shared was a one-time isolated incident. But what if the bad event is not an isolated incident? What if the bad thing happening, happens with some frequency? And what if it happens at home with Mom or Dad instead of in a park with a dog. In that case, you are in the realm of developmental trauma.  

Consider the brain of a little girl who watches her dad hit her mom and then they have a terrible divorce and then a step-father comes in and abuses her. What happens in her brain? Fragmented memory after fragmented memory after fragmented memory. Lots and lots of fragmentation in her brain. She becomes an adult and she has unintegrated jumble of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical sensations. She has a very fragmented brain.

Instability

When you have high-levels of fragmented memory in your brain due to trauma, your brain and your body will feel unstable. The ground beneath you does not feel solid. You feel a sense of instability. The world does not feel safe. Lots of fragmented memory means that you will go through your day that the world is not quite safe and something bad might happen soon. 

You are NOT going to be aware of that as a 14-year-old girl or even a 20-year-old man because it is just the way it is for you. It's been normal for so long. But the reason you feel a little unstable inside is because there are so many access points in your daily life for your trauma to be activated. 

What if it is isn't just the snarling dog? It is also someone's facial expression that reminds you of your dad's before he hit your mother. Or a particular thought or emotion inside. All of these reminders/memories can activate the not-safe system in your brain. And when the system is activated, you will experience intense reactions that may seem wildly out of proportion to the present circumstance. The felt sense of chaos is because there is not enough integration in your brain. 

Complexity Theory states that the most stable systems are the ones with high levels of differentiation and high levels of connection. Both! The most stable brains are the ones where they brains where the thoughts and feelings are differentiated from one another but also connected to one another. Deep, thick fibers of connection. This translates to a sense that the word is safe and the ground under your feet is solid. 

Certainty

When your brain is fragmented and you feel chaotic inside (as a result of fragmentation due to trauma), you will feel a tremendous pull to certainty. Certainty means "I know what is happening in the world, but my perspective on all the important issues in the world is right and people who disagree with me about those things are wrong." Certainty is the conviction that you know the truth with a capital T. Certainty reduces the felt experience of chaos and fragmentation in your brain. 

Why? 

Because certainty gives you a sense of "the ground beneath my feet is stable and solid." 

Adam gives a personal example. He said that his anxiety was given certainty through what he heard in church and his Christian books. The pastor offered him certainty in regards to why the world is broken, the God of the Bible is in control, Jesus has rescued the world from sin, if I trust and obey God, I can experience healing from my pain and Abundant Life. When I die, I'll go to heaven and be free from all fear and sorrow. 

It was incredibly comforting to Adam to hear these things because everyone in his community was certain about those things. Certainty makes your chaotic brain feel more certain. Dan Allender says "The more certain you become, the less fragmented you feel." 

Belief Systems

Think about someone with a lot of fragmentation in their brain as a result of trauma. That person is going to crave certainty. That is, you will be attracted to belief systems that help your brain feel more orderly, safe, stable, secure, less chaotic. 

If that little girl that we talked about earlier in the story starts attending church as an adult. As the pastor shares certainty to her fragmented brain, the pastor's words will be incredibly soothing for her fragmented brain. The pastor is offering certainty to a brain that feels uncertain and confused. This will feel like the shaky ground beneath her feet is not as shaky anymore. 

Certainty makes traumatized people feel safer in the world. Certainty soothes fragmented brains. 

When your brain is in a chaotic state, there is IMMENSE pressure to figure out a way to figure out a way to make order out of the chaos inside. Any theological system reduces chaos by offering certainty. 

Dan Allender was a guest speaker on a podcast entitled The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill which discussed the loss of a Megachurch in Seattle. Dan said that one of the reasons people are attracted to churches like this is because they "offered highly traumatized people a place that they could be at rest." 

Why were so many people drawn to a deeply narcissistic and abusive pastor? Because traumatized people have a high-degree of fragmentation in their brains which makes them feel chaotic and unstable and all of that discomfort is soothed by theological certainty. They can finally begin to experience rest when they are offered certainty. 

PLEASE NOTE: Adam is not saying that Christianity is wrong at all! He is proud that his faith developed in high school and college through his trauma. However, he does think that the reason he found it so appealing was because the theological certainty was very calming for his fragmented and unstable brain. It gave him rest. That's why he read books and had so many quiet times. It was an attempt at self-regulation. 

For people with a history of trauma, we tend to think that we use reason and logic to choose our theological beliefs. But, in fact, what is really driving us is desperation to find rest from the fragmentation and chaos inside. Ahhhh, there is some solid ground!

He is NOT saying that this is true for securely attached people or people who have not experienced developmental trauma. But, for those of us who have fragmented, traumatized brains, we naturally gravitate toward belief systems that offer certainty. It regulates our dysregulated bodies by offering certainty about the world. "The most certain you become, the less fragmented you feel."

This does not mean your theology is wrong.  It just means that some part of your embrace of that theology is because it calms your insides -- not because you have broken it down using reason and logic. We all have hidden persuaders. 

Dogmatism

When you are driven by fragmentation to embrace theological certainty as a means of soothing, you will invariably become a dogmatic person.  

In other words: the fragmentation in your traumatized brain is soothed by certainty and there is no way you will allow anyone to take away that certainty. Thus, you become dogmatic about your beliefs. 

Dogmatism = to whole-heartedly embrace a belief system as TRUE. To think that the opinions you are hold are actually non-arguable facts.  

Someone who is dogmatic believes that whatever they think is right and that those who disagree with them are wrong. 

Dogmatism is not driven by analytic left-brained logical thinking. It is driven by a fragmented, chaotic right brain that needs certainty to calm itself down. 

For a chaotic brain, it matters less what you believe. What matters more of the certainty of which you believe it. 

Dogmatic People You Know 

Think of the people in your world who are very rigid and dogmatic and certain of their theological convictions. What if these people simply have a high-level of fragmentation in their brains due to trauma. And what if their theological certainty is an attempt to soothe that fragmentation? 

This is why it is so difficult for these people to ever consider viewpoints (political or religious usually) that are different from their own. They are trying to prevent their brains from fragmenting. They are trying to prevent themselves from feeling chaotic inside. 

No one arrives at their theological and political beliefs solely by objectively weighing the merits of various theological or political positions. No one! You come to these in response to your story. 

Have you ever truly considered the words of someone who disagreed with you about something that is really important to you? If you have ever considered their viewpoints, do you remember inside your body when you tried on what they were saying? "What if they are right and I am actually wrong about this issue?" Adam said that whenever he does this, he actually feels some fear and disorder inside his body. It feels shaky inside. Suddenly he feels less certain about his position and that sends him back to the chaotic feeling of fragmentation. 

Adam said, "I am not advocating relativism!" Relativism says it doesn't matter what you believe. All faith statements are equally valid. He explains that the opposite of dogmatism is NOT relativism. The opposite of dogmatism is the openness to the stories of others. 

Compassion for others

Can you find compassion for your dogmatic friends and family members? You do not need to agree with them or stop arguing them. But how might your posture toward them change if Jesus were to say to you, "You know that person who disagrees with you and is so theologically certain? They are simply trying to soothe the fragmentation in their brains." How would your posture toward that person changed if you realized that their dogmatism was actually ad desperate attempt to feel safe in the world.  

Compassion for yourself

Maybe you are a dogmatic person. What if your absolute certainty about issues is not so much driven by reason and logic but at your attempt to reduce the chaos and fragmentation in your brain? The more you heal from trauma, the less you will need to be certain about everything. This doesn't mean you will not have strong theological or political positions. But you will be free and open to the stories of those you disagree with. 

When someone's disagreement with you no longer threatens your peace, you can open yourself to them while remaining stable and grounded. You will understand what is really driving what is really driving these people that disagree with you so vehemently.

Points for today

1. Unprocessed trauma leads to fragmentation. 

2. When you have high-levels of fragmented memory in your brain due to trauma, your brain and your body will feel unstable. 

3. When your brain is fragmented and you feel chaotic inside (as a result of fragmentation due to trauma), you will feel a tremendous pull toward theologies and worldviews that offer certainty. 

4. When you are driven by fragmentation to embrace theological certainty as a means of soothing, you will invariably become a dogmatic person.

Pastoral Note

"Christianity is the difference between I HOLD and I AM HELD."

The more you grow in Christ, the more you will realize that it doesn't matter so much what faith claims you hold, what matters ultimately is that you are held by God. It is far less about you and and far more about God.

For those of us with a history of trauma, we can become very dogmatic unless the fragmentation in our brains is soothed not by certainty but by the deep knowing that we are held by God. 

Even if we are wrong on some important point, we are held by God.  

May it be so.

Obsessed

 

I have never been a huge fan of Mother's Day -- mainly because my decade of infertility really inflicted some damage in that regard. We never do much in our home for this day, and I'm perfectly fine with that. 

But yesterday, each of my kiddos and husband gave me something. Sidge gave me coupons to play Wingspan since I love to play that game, and when John is working, I struggle to find a partner. Each of the other three kiddos wrote me a card. Their words really mattered to me. Especially hearing from 17-year-old teenager. That mattered. 

You know what mattered most? It mattered that he told me he felt heard by me. He felt seen by me. Each time one of my kids comes to me with a problem, I get so excited! They need me. They want me! They can feel our connection inside of them. I am obsessed with making sure they can always feel that.

But if they never wrote me anything or said anything or gave me any gifts ... I don't care. What I want more than anything is that their body feels at peace near mine. I want my body to cause their blood pressure to go down. I want them to know that in Mom's presence, they can rest. I want them to feel that I am on their team, fighting for them, encouraging them, loving them. 

Remember THE BIG 6. I won't ever forget THE BIG 6. These are the six things that kids most need to feel from their parents. I've spoken about them a lot on the Blog, but if you have forgotten them, here they are again. 

I keep reminding myself. I only need to get it right about 33% of the time for my children to develop a secure connection with me. I can mess up a lot. (But if I mess up, I need seek repair.)

My life has become about these four humans I have and making sure my imprint is IN THEM every single day! They've been my purpose for seventeen years, but this past year, as I've restructured my priorities, I've realized THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD! I don't consider it just an "I hope they know this" responsibility. I am making FOR SURE that they do! 

The message that they take into adulthood, the recording in the back of their brain ... IT WILL BE MY VOICE! What will they be hearing? Will they be hearing yells and screams and frustrations and nagging and shaming. Or will they be hearing encouragement and love and support and direction and guidance? 

If you haven't been playing a good soundtrack in your child's head -- don't beat yourself up. Simply CHANGE IT. It can be altered. Ask for their forgiveness and START NOW!

Things I say to my kids so they don't spend their whole life questioning their worth

I have spent the year healing. And I realize, when I heal, I become my own safe space, and when I do, I become a safe place for my children. I no longer see my child as someone to fix or control. I see them as someone to love and guide and trust.  

With that, I realize that there are some things I want to make sure I sear into the nervous systems of my children. Here are some Things I say to my kids so they don't spend their whole life questioning their worth ... Because ... The words I say now will become the voice my kids hear in their head forever, and I want that voice to feel like home.

1. "I love you in every moment ... when you're happy, when you're sad, when you're angry, always, exactly as you are. No matter what." I never want them to feel that love has conditions. I don't want them to think that they to be calm, quiet, perfect or "good" to be worthy of love. If they grow up believing they have to earn love, they'll spend their whole life chasing it. And I never want them to feel that. 

2. "I missed you so much today. I was counting down the hours until we could be together again." I say this because I mean it. I want them to know that I don't just love them. I enjoy them. That being around them isn't a chore. That I don't just take care of them, I actually want to be with them. Because one day, they'll grow up, And I want them to carry the feeling that they were always wanted. 

3. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You are a gift." Our kids are told what to do all day. But do they hear: "You are a blessing to me!" or "You make my life better by just being in it." or "I am so lucky to be your mom." Because when kids grow up knowing they are treasured, not tolerated, they don't spend their adulthood trying to prove their worth. They already know it.

4. "Thank you for being so kind to me. I see how thoughtful and loving you are, and it means the world to me." Kids are constantly told to be kind and say they are sorry. But when was the last time they actually heard THANK YOU for that kindness. When kids feel seen for their kindness, they don't just do kind things, they become kind people. 

5. "You are allowed to say NO to anyone if you feel like you don't want to." I will not allow them to grow up saying yes because they feel guilt or they owe people something or that "no" would make them a bad person. 

6. "I have so much fun with you. I love when you are YOU." You know what kids remember most? Not the toys. Not the trips. Not the gifts. But the way you looked at them when they laughed too hard or danced around the house or told silly jokes. And instead of hearing "Calm down" they heard "I love you when you are YOU." This is what gives them the confidence to grow into adults who fully embrace who they are.

7. "No matter what happens, in the middle of everything and everyone, I will always trust you." I never want my child to feel alone in their mistakes or their fears. So I tell them over and over that they can always come to me and I will always believe them. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, I am here for you sweet child. Because one day, they might feel scared to tell me something. And I want them to already know that they don't have to hide. They can trust me the way that I trust them.

8. "Mistakes happen. You don't have to be so tough on yourself." Because I don't want my child growing up believing that making a mistake means they've failed. I want them to know that mistakes don't define them. They are still learning, and that's a good thing! Being kind to themselves is just as important as being kind to others. Because if I don't teach them this now, they'll grow up treating themselves with the same harshness the world does. And I want them to be the voice in their own head that says: "It's okay. I can try again. I am still enough."

Yes!

Graduation Weekend

I should have taken more pictures of the Heritage Home Scholars 2025 graduation. John wa the emcee. And Isaac played piano. And cousin Ana graduated. But in the end, I didn't take a single picture, and so I'll add to this post with pictures that other people perhaps got and send to me:

Abigail and Ana were very close when they were little, and then as Ana became a teenager and Abigail stayed a little kid, they grew a part a bit. But they have gotten closer again. Hard to believe Kotynskis came here in 2018 and now, they have two that are done with the whole thing!

Nicole Gray sent me this picture and said "Thank you for loving my kiddos and helping them along the way." I really love this family. This is the four siblings: Mabree, Mariah, Malachi, and Maxton with going to marry in Gabe in the background covering up the shirt he wore which was less than dressy and not exactly up to standard :)

Outside of Ana, the other graduate that I have really felt a part of is Malachi Gray. He's as big as Sidge and just a teddy-bear of a guy. I really love him. He actually finally got a turkey this week and then bagged his second which meant that he had met his allowable for the year. So he decided to take Sidge out this morning turkey hunting.  

Unfortunately, they didn't see a single turkey. But Sidge did manage a skunk. Even though he wasn't sprayed by it, the moment he got out of their car when they dropped him off, you could smell the stink all over Sidge, and he had to get into the shower right away.

Gabe and Malachi went back home, and when they went back, they saw a bunch of turkeys out! Gabe got one! Only a jake, but still ... poor Sidge. And good job Gabe!

Take a look at the TOM that Malachi got the other day: 

Truth!

 

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost 

 

On May 7, 2007 my husband walked into our bedroom with our big old Dalmatian and said “Scrubs is ready to be a big brother.” He had gotten the phone call while I was napping that Bri was in labor in South Florida. It was her due date and coincidentally Bri’s 17th birthday!

 

We put our action plan into place and within an hour we were off on the ten hour drive from Elgin AFB to Fort Lauderdale to meet our son. 

 

At 2a on the morning of May 8, we arrived at the hospital. The large woman guarding the nursery did not want to let us in as we we didn’t have a “magic bracelet” but Joni showed her bracelet and with all of her 5’2” prowess demanded our entrance. “I’m not sure you understand,” she said. “They’ve been waiting ten years for this little boy. They are coming in.” 

 

(You weren’t supposed to have cameras either but Joni brought one and snapped the picture of us meeting our son for the first time.)

 

Isaac turned 17 yesterday. He is an uber talented musician (which he inherited from his DNA as we learned when he was young that there were professional cellists in his birth family). He loves theatre, music, piano, guitar, and collecting Hot Wheels cars. He has a wicked sense of humor. Hes got a job at Yoders sweet talking to old southern folks at the cash register. 

 

He’s driving to Nashville with Dad and his brother (with whom he gets along with amazingly well) on Saturday for a concert — the only thing other than money that he’d want for his birthday. 

 

He hopes to go to college (maybe Liberty?) and major in some sort of music and has chosen to follow Christ and I can’t help but think, Brianna Van Wyck did the hard thing at 16 years old. With a snap of her fingers all of his talent could have disappearred into abortion, but instead, when her doctor said “you have choices” she said “I’ve made my choice. I know who is going to adopt my baby.” (Although she hadn’t called us yet so … there was that.) 

 

Happy 17th birthday to the child that made us parents. And thank you Bri for choosing the less traveled path. It HAS made all the difference.

New insect on the farm

Absolutely beautiful!

A new insect for me and our farm! 

This is an Eastern Elderberry Borer

(Desmocerus palliatus)

“Adult elderberry borers feed on leaves and pollen from the flower heads of elderberry, and female beetles lay their eggs near the base of the elderberry plant.  Upon hatching, the tiny larvae bore into roots where they feed and develop on nutritious plant tissues. However, elderberry is chemically defended by potent cyanogenic glycosides, toxic compounds that are believed to be passed along from larvae to adults. A taste of these noxious chemicals during an attack may teach a predator that large blue and yellow insects are not to be included on the menu.” - Bug of the Week website 

Greene County

East Tennessee

Rest

 

I turn away because today needs a courage too heavy
and I packed light this morning. 

did you know that rest
is not weakness? 

It took me a long time to learn that one
because I crave moments and energy and highs

but my body does not
some days it cannot carry a tea

much less the courage or hope needed to do anything more

resting is choosing a future over the present
a demanding feat when living in the moment is everything 

still / I honor my body
and unhinged / I rest

to be a force of nature
one must be patient with the storm 

Rest: By R.C. Lloyd

From the book: Chronic Defiance 

Never done

I keep believing I am done. I have healed enough. God, I got it. Let me be done. 

And then God says: "No, dear child, peel back another layer of the things you have pushed down inside of you for your whole life."

And so I peel back. And I cry. I weep. I meet with Kim. I talk to my cousin Cara. I break down the pain that has been tucked up inside of me for so long. 

The truth is: I will never be done. I will always be healing and growing. 

Yesterday I had an argument with one of my sons, and as we discussed the situation I realized: My body is calm. 

There was no dysregulation. Sure, in hindsight, I probably could have handled some things differently. But generally, I handled it well. I had no feeling inside that I might fly off the handle or lose my cool. 

That is regulation. 

That is having a LARGE window of tolerance.

While my children may choose to misbehave, I no longer feel any need (or compulsion) to use shame or force to get my point across.

I am calm. I am collected. I see their misbehavior as an opportunity for growth. And it is my job to help them grow. Calmly. Securely. Confidently. 

And yet ... despite all the awareness and all the things I see now that I didn't see before ... there is still pain tied up inside of me that hurts to look at. It is hard to look back and see evil and trauma and "yuck."

However, if I don't choose to see it, I will not heal from it. The trauma is tucked up inside you. It is there whether you think you have no memories or choose not to see the memories. And if you don't unpack it, it will continue to eat you alive. 

How can you tell you are being eaten alive? Here are some things to watch out for:

• Anxiety of any sort.
• Depression of any sort. 
• Losing your temper at any time. 
• Feeling "pushed to the edge" by other people. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!)
• Feeling that "others" have cause you to feel bad inside. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!) 
• Blaming anything or anyone for you not feeling right. 
  
• Eating for comfort. 
• Drinking alcohol for comfort. 
• Zoning out on your phone or with TV for comfort (regularly). 
• Sleeping too much. 

Obviously this list isn't exhaustive and you could possibly be doing one of these things and not living with stuff shoved deep down inside of you. But if you think this might be you, don't wait. Reach out. Don't wait until your legs are completely knocked out from under you.

Tuesday Truth

Before a child has language ...

They have sensation.

Before they can understand "you're okay," they feel whether you are.

If your tone is calm but your body is tight ...

If your words are soothing but your eyes are scared ...

Your child will follow the feeling, not the sentence. 

They don't learn regulation through lectures.

They learn it through presence. 

Through the way you breathe when they're melting down. 

Through the way you return after you rupture. 

When we're dysregulated, kids absorb it.  

Not because we're doing something wrong -- but because we are their safety cue. 

That doesn't mean you have to be calm all the time. 

It means your own healing matters, because your nervous system becomes their blueprint. 

And the best part?

Every moment of regulation you practice -- even if its imperfect -- is a message to you child's body that: 

"It's safe to feel. I'm here with you."

Your nervous system speak louder than words. 

Let is say: 

"You're safe."

"You're seen."

"You don't have to carry this alone."  

If you were taught ...

If you were taught to abandon yourself for connection, it's almost guaranteed that guilt will who up the moment you choose yourself. 

Guilt isn't a sign you are doing something wrong. It's a nervous system signal that you've stepped outside a survival pattern that once kept you safe. 

 

Complex Trauma taught you to stay small to keep others close. You shaped yourself around other people's needs to stay safe and connected. 

 

In somatic terms, your nervous system paired connection with self-abandonment. It was taught: if I disconnect from myself, I stay connected to others. That feels safer than being alone. 

 

Now, when you set a boundary, express a need, or say "no", your body interprets it as a threat to your survival with cues like guilt, shame, fear, freeze, or collapse. 

This doesn't mean you're not ready to choose yourself. It means your body is doing what it knows. And now, it's learning something new. 

The presence of guilt doesn't mean go back to self-abandonment. But it means go slow. Support your body and let it learn that choosing yourself isn't dangerous anymore. 

This is how self-trust is built: Not by feeling good every time you choose yourself. But by learning to stay with your body and choose yourself even when guilt shows up.

 

@the.trauma.educator

 ere are a few pictures from our time:

Visitors!

Our friend Patty (from wayyyy back in Eglin AFB and Turkey) decided to come to our farm for a visit with her two sons: Troy (13) and Cassian (almost 1). Patty's husband, Yamil, is getting his Master's Degree at the University of Tennessee and has to come up to Knoxville four times this year. We had a wonderful day!

On Sunday, the six of us drove to THEM to hang out. We had breakfast at a little southern place: 

Yellow Fever

Yesterday, I realized, at the last minute, that I needed to take Sidge all the way to Bristol, Virginia for a yellow fever shot. He is going to be going on a mission trip to Colombia in June. We scheduled it with our dear friends the Shraders and hunt out together after the shots. We went to Bass Pro in Bristol and also had dinner at Five Guys (everyone but Sidge and me) and Chipotle (Sidge and me.) 

Here are a few pictures from our time:

 

 

April 12x12 #4 "The Contemplative Life"

This is part 4 of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker: RICH VILLODAS for the month of APRIL. The Conference was entitled "How to Engage God About Your Story." Session 3 was entitled: "The Contemplative Life." This talk was by Rich Villodas.

To live a contemplative life, this work will require a different pace of life. You are going to have to change the way you operate and the way you do things. Oh my goodness is that true for me! I have realized that the way I approach people, my family, my life was not working for me! Am I willing to turn on a dime and start something new. Am I willing to truly learn to be with God? 

You need a CONTEMPLATIVE SPACE. You need a MONASTERY. Rich went to an actual monastery and stayed there for six hours with only a journal. Could you sit somewhere for six hours and just "be with God"? If not, why not? 

Who is a contemplative? A contemplative is one who slows down to BE with God. The challenge with much of our praying is that it is often transactional. How do we hold together petition and articulate our longings for God and at the same time, not regard God as a cosmic vending machine? 

A contemplative is someone who slows down to be with God -- to withhold the beauty of God. Check out Psalm 27 for more on this! (Verse 4 is the essence of a contemplative life.)

The world BEHOLD might be the most important world in the Bible because it is about fixing our attention to the presence of God. 

What is contemplation? 

You can define this as the unburied, opening of oneself to God through silence, scripture and self-examination. The Bible is full of examples of this invitation to a CONTEMPLATIVE life. God shows up in these places of silence and solitude. Think about Moses in the burning bush. Or how he shows up to Elijah. God wasn't only in the whirlwinds or fires. He shows up as a still small voice. God shows up in the sound of sheer silence. 

There are a few philosophical principles that we need to ground ourselves in for this: 

1. God is Closer to us than we are to ourselves

From one man he made all nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not farm from any one of us. "For in him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 17) We are his offspring!

2. Christ's work on the Cross opens the door to accessing the presence of God

Christian contemplation or contemplative prayer is grounded in an orthodox view of original sin requiring the work of Christ in the new covenant to reconcile humanity to God. Apart from this, the human spirit cannot experience the Spirit of God." (Eph. 2:5) John Coe, Embracing Contemplation

Communion with God is not some kind of human achievement, but is always a gift from God -- a gift most profoundly seen in Christ's work on the Cross. 

3. We are invited to dwell with God.

Check out John 15 for this! Pay attention to a particular passage of scripture in John 15. Repeatedly John says "Abide in me and I in you." In John's writings, the word ABIDE shows up 63 times in John's writings! He uses ABIDE, REMAIN, STAY. 

"Contemplation usually assumes the tangible reality of God's love, our shortcomings, and the inexplicable possibility of reunion." Barbara Holmes

Growing a Contemplative Life entails: 

Our hearts are prone to wander! Contemplation is a reminder to come back to God. Contemplation has nothing to do with our personality types! Being introverted and a contemplative is not the same thing. 

To become a contemplative you need to be ready to:

1. Befriend silence

2. Normalize boredom

3. Reframe distraction 

4. Embrace the truth that prayer is not something we master, but an act that forms us. 

5. Trust that God is always waiting for you with open arms. 

A few other notes:

• The same Bible that says "Rejoice in the Lord Always" also has a book called Lamentations. 
• Our pace of life can be violent in not allowing us to spend time with God. The contemplative life seeks to resist the violent pace of life. 

We can do something DAILY and WEEKLY in working on a contemplative life. Rich actually told us how proud he was of us for taking a day each month to be a part of this 12x12 conference. My healing is worth this! We live in a constant/continual state of partial attention. Will you make space for healing and stop moving from one thing to another and avoiding your soul. 

He encourages us to truly find a weekly SABBATH! We are not made for the unrelenting pace of life that damages the attempt at contemplation. 

How hard is it for you to just BE WITH YOURSELF!

Are you willing to make a countercultural commitment to resist the insane pace of our cultural moment? We are not living as human being are designed to be. We are designed for wonder, curiously, play and rest. 

The byproduct of trauma is that there will be no rest for you, all your remaining days. Can you just rest and be with YOURSELF?  

I have totally changed my life after my collapse in 2024. God is different to me. My priorities are different to me. I am taking the time to be contemplative and want to strive to continue to do that.