Heavy

Life is heavy. 

I keep thinking: Okay, God, that's enough. No more. 

No more pain. 

Please. 

Why can't it be simple? Why so much HARD? When will the time to just peacefully BE ... be? 

Dear Jesus, let me just lay my head on your lap. May I see you in the midst of so much pain and so much suffering and know you are so real. I have spent so much of my life thinking I had to behave a certain way and pray a certain way in order to get you to love me a certain way. 

But I do NOT. 

I will instead, simply ... BE with Jesus. I will know that I don't have to check all the boxes to rest in Him. And I will trust that he indeed does hold the world in his hand and those I love in his hands and that He is with us always even to the end of the age. 

Come Dear Jesus. Come. Or if you don't come, could I not feel the pain I feel right now? The hardness? The sadness? The bigness of this world? Could I just be in my hammock in complete peace for a bit. 

This last year and a half has taken everything out of me to grieve. To grow. To start again. May I rest easy in who YOU ARE always. 

Amen.