I got an email from a friend dealing with infertility today. She asked me a question.
"If you could go back in time and tell infertile Wendi one thing, what would it be?"
It's funny she asked that. It's a question I've thought about many times. And I've formulated many different answers.
But here's the one that resonates most within me.
I would tell myself to try my hardest to enjoy my life. To try to embrace where I am at currently instead of wishing the months and years to speed ahead until our next treatment or the next holiday that maybe I would be a mom. I would tell myself to sleep in as often as I could. I would tell myself to take more naps. Lie in bed and watch movies and don't get up just for the sheer relaxation of lying around Wendi! I would tell myself to go on as many dates with my husband as I could. Go for runs whenever you want Wendi. Take long walks in the park for no reason at all. Travel. Travel. Travel some more. Volunteer. Embrace your hobbies. Sit on the kitchen counter and drink a coke and stay up way too late talking with a girlfriend. Don't worry so much about becoming a mom. Try to remember that God doesn't promise us tomorrow. Children won't solve your fears of being alone Wendi. And then travel some more gosh darn it!
There's more. But you get the general idea.
What I find interesting is that this is the first place I have lived where people did not know me "before" kids. I had someone mention to me that they have trouble picturing me as anything but a "mom." Yikes! Really? This is so foreign to me since I spent from ages 21-31 as a married wife with no children at all.
But seriously. I was that woman. I was the woman that people would have bet money on would not have biological children. Ever. When we got pregnant with Elijah my doctor said to me that if I would have asked her if I thought I would ever bear a child she would have had to be honest with me. It just was not going to happen. Not ever. Three clomid cycles, five failed IUI's, and four failed IVF's didn't leave a hope left floating around.
It only left God.
I think we have this idea that if we "just get married" or if we "just have kids" or if we "just get this job" or if we "could just pay off this debt" or ... well, the list could go on and on, that then things will be perfect.
But they won't. We will never arrive. There will always be something we are seeking. There will always be sadness and disappointments. Only a relationship with our Heavenly Father can bring us the complete peace we think a certain thing will.
When we pulled away from the hospital with little two-day-old Isaac strapped into his car seat on May 9, 2008 ... with the lawyer and nurse waving at us and feeling like we had no idea what we were doing ... I realized that I was now, nearly officially, a mom. (His five month court hearing would solidify it.) But I didn't really feel different. Something could happen to Isaac the next day. Something could happen to all of us on the way home. Isaac was the child we always hoped to have. But he was not the answer to the hole in our life we often try to fill with things other than Christ.
I pray for those of you today praying for answer to your prayers. For many of you it is a child. For others of you it is something else. A spouse. A job. Reconciliation.
Whatever it is, I hope I can encourage you with three main tidbits of hope:
1. Embrace, as best you can, where you are today.
2. Believe that miracles are possible.
3. Remember that only Christ will bring you the peace you seek.
I always seem to have a group of about 5-10 women in my life that are in my "infertility group" of the moment. Women that I am watching walk the walk I walked just a few years ago. Please know that you are at the forefront of my mind all the time. Really. I am thinking of you by name while I write this. When I see you. When I email you. When I talk to you. I am thinking of you. I am wanting to fix it. And I am praying for the answer to your prayer.
P.S. Happy birthday to my "unofficial" goddaughter Raylee and my cousin Sarah.