Can't live without him

 

Ann Voskamp is amazing. This article was sent to me (passive voice ... sorry) by my friend Meredith. It really, nearly totally, summarizes, what I have gone through in my life. I didn't know it. Friends tried to tell me. But I couldn't see it. I was pushing too hard. What I have realized was, it wasn't actually the things I was doing so much as the emotional ENERGY I was putting into trying to make everyone around me happy. It's impossible. (Have you met a teenager?) I am not in charge of other people's happiness. Sounds super simple. But it was very complicated for me. I truly had to get to a point that my body said I WILL NOT DO THIS ANYMORE for me to listen. 

And I am listening. So much in me is changing. It will be a beautiful change. But during the change, it is PAINFUL. It has been stuffed with anxiety and depression and exhaustion and barely feeling like I could take care of my family. But I am coming out on the other side. With Jesus. How do people live WITHOUT Jesus?

So sad

Losing Chuck in this community has hurt SO badly. Tammy has just returned to the USA. There is a wedding next month. This loss feels unbearable. I know people survive hard things, but this one feels SO SO hard. I wish so badly there was someway to go back in time and change something. But nothing can be changed. It's really hard. 

Today was our second-to-last homeschool co-op day. It was the last day for elementary. High school will have one more week. I continue to improve in how I am feeling, but still, I am not "the old Wendi." I miss her and I KNOW she will be back soon. 

I am learning how to know my limits and appreciate each day as it comes. So many lessons learned over the last few months about God and who we live for and yet sadness and anger for the horrific loss we have faced. 

Continuing to ponder ...

Loss

 

Oldest son Charlie (married to Hanna Durrua who used to babysit for us), with Jonathan (who is in my English and Logic classes this year and is the youngest son -- junior in high school, Kacey (who was our FIRST babysitter when we moved here with her husband, and David (who will marry Melody Steele next month)

 

This loss hurts REALLY bad. This loss is hitting EVERYONE in this community. Tammy Bowlin was on the Board of Heritage Home Scholars with me. She is one of my dearest friends. That picture of her and her husband, Chuck, absolutely shows them. This was a partnership. This was best friends. They were your DREAM family. They had their first granddaughter in December and another one, just last month. Next month, their son David, marries Melody (the daughter of our friends from the Azores, the Steeles.) 

The Bowlins go to our church. John and Chuck had a twenty minute conversation before Easter service about bees and other such fun stuff. EVERYONE LOVES THIS FAMILY. 

Chuck was the CEO of Greeneville Power and Light. You can read comments from the community: here. The Bowlins were in St. Croix with three other families from our church that are dearly beloved as well. Chuck tragically died while they were gone. I won't write more about what happened until it becomes public but it appears to be a death while snorkeling. 

Chuck LOVED Jesus. He is WITH Jesus. We do not grieve for Chuck. But for Tammy and the ripples this will cause, we grieve. 

Tammy was a small group leader at youth. She runs the leadership group at our co-op. Tammy is one of the most beautiful women inside and out. She has been such an encouragement to me in my life here in Greeneville.

PLEASE pray for the Bowlin family ... this is a huge tragedy.

A few notes from our life

Here's what is going on in our lives right now:

• Isaac is THICK in practices for Newsies which will be in mid-April.
• Grama Joni is coming up for Newsies and going to help us with driving around for the first weekend of shows. 
• Homeschool at the Co-op has ONE more week for elementary and TWO more weeks for high school. We, as a family, are wrapping up homeschooling as well. We will probably keep doing math through the summer (the boys and Abigail too, some, now need John to do their math -- not mom. This means we have to wait for John to be off for it. 
• We have laying chickens on the farm and meat chickens come in tomorrow.
  
• Abigail continues to do ballet and loves it. She has two very good friends at ballet that she enjoys spending time with: Ella and Johnna Beth.
  
• Hannah "The Pomegranate" continues to school with the Kotynski family. She goes over there four days a week (usually) and is thriving doing this! She loves going to their house and spending time with them.
  
• Sidge likes to go by "Elijah" more now -- especially to new people he meets. His passions continue to be all things BIOLOGY!
• The three oldest kids are in youth. Hannah can't start youth for another year (it's for 6-12th graders) and Hannah will be in FIFTH grade next year.
  
• The kids have their own rooms! It's been a long journey, and it isn't official "yet" but each child now has their own room ...  
• I will not be letting this Blog end .... keep checking in!
  

Jesus is with us ALWAYS!

Our three doggies

Psalm 23

Good and Bad

I continue to have low periods and high periods. I am riding this wave and learning how to trust Jesus in such incredibly real ways. I've often said, "you can only sit with someone in the muck if you have been in the muck." So ... are we willing to be in the muck? Sometimes I say I am. Sometimes I say I can't.

In the meantime, we are slowly but surely ending the 2023-24 school year. Abigail is in 6th grade, Hannah 4th, and the boys 9th. Isaac turns 16 on May 7! We also got new baby chickens in this morning. Exciting!

Happy Birthday Adrienne

Yesterday (March 23) was my sister-in-law, AD's birthday. This girl is one of the coolest people I know, and I love her to the moon and back. Happy day "A.D." -- you are one of the best parts of my life.
 

Newsies

The Production of “Newsies” had to be moved to a smaller theatre downtown. The big theatre had a break in its rigging. So now there are 6 shows with 300 people max instead of 700 on a much smaller stage. 

The show must go on! 

Isaac also got cast as a soldier in “Sound of Music.” He was competing for other parts and almost got one of them, but instead got a smaller role. I am so proud of his determination, passion, and hard work. 

Time wasted is NOT wasted!

 

Time goes so fast

 

Days feel like a perfect length.

I don't need them any longer.

But for goodness sake,

Do the years seem way too short for my soul, corazón (my heart)…

way too short for my soul, corazón (my heart).

-Twenty One Pilots

I am going to try ...

 ... to write each day. To write what I am learning and thinking and growing in. 

Here's what I know. My body kind of "broke" emotionally. But I've realized why! I've realized that I taught myself to please PEOPLE instead of the Lord. It seems simple. But it's not quite that simple. But I am working through it and HEALING. And I will come out stronger in the end.

It's easy for people to say to me: "Just don't worry about others." But in my mind, it becomes SO much more. And I have a really challenging time with it. However, I am going to learn how to improve in this area. 

It's that simple. 

Ha!

Thank you to those of you who have checked on me. I'm not going anywhere and will be Blogging more regularly. (I hope.) 

Stay tuned for thoughts from Wendi :)

A good day

Thank you for all the love and encouragement. But more importantly, the prayers. I am learning a lot about my body and what I've put it through for 46 years. Eventually, the way you are thinking, won't work anymore, and I am having an opportunity to learn that. I plan to share some of that on my Blog. This life is HARD. We are sinners. This is a sinful world. We come into it with the pasts of our community and our family, and we have to navigate through that. My kryptonite has been people-pleasing. I've convinced myself that that works for me. But the thing is, it doesn't. It puts stress on the body that cannot be kept up with ... eventually. 

I'm hitting this spiritually. I'm hitting it medically. I'm hitting it emotionally. Therapy, medicine, prayer, the whole thing. I have had two good half days and today (Tuesday) has been overall good. Depression and anxiety is no joke. But I am determined to USE this for God's glory and to help others in this. Just like infertility. It will not define me. It will help make me into the woman God made me to be. 

To those of you out there struggling too, you are not alone. 

Also, I'll be talking more about a therapy I am doing. It is called EMDR therapy. Really fascinating stuff. Sounds really kooky, but it really, really isn't. 

Can't write

I am in the throngs of some anxiety/depression. I don't like to write about that here, if I can help it, because my kids are old enough to get on my Blog and see what's going on. But it is, what it is. I am clawing my way out of it. Mentally unwell is worse than physically unwell any day. Or maybe I am only saying that because I am currently mentally not Wendi. But she will be back. And my writing will come with that, I know. 

Life is NOT easy. Life is NOT all happiness. But it IS worth living. We must hang on and fight and love and support. I have fantastic community. I don't try to hide things. But I really want to be on the other side of this. 

The good news is: I've lost 25 pounds. :) I can't eat when I feel like this. The better news is: I had 25 pounds I wanted to lose. I didn't want to lose it like this though. But, silver linings!

Costa Rica Birding

While birding was not the primary purpose of our trip to Costa Rica (this was a family vacation), we still got to spend a lot of time scanning the skies, trees, bushes, and undergrowth for birds.

We hiked over 23 miles on this trip.

I’ve included photos from EBird of some of the more beautiful and unique birds we saw. My kids took a lot of great photos, but they are not really sorted and loaded yet.

I saw 183 different species of bird on this trip. Over 140 of these birds were species I had never seen before except in books and in wildlife documentaries.

I also saw many birds well known to me, birds I see nesting on my farm in East Tennessee. Even though I knew these birds fly to Central and South America for the Winter, there was still an odd sense of disjointed familiarity with seeing a Summer Tanager or Black-Throated Green Warbler in the rainforest of Costa Rica. It was like running into a neighbor at a coffee shop on the other side of the country when you’re on vacation.

Two of my children are also birders.

My son saw 153 new species and reached a big milestone… he saw his 500th bird on this trip!

My daughter is an amazing birder, who frequently sees things that seasoned birders miss, but she loses steam quickly. She can’t spend all day birding like my son and I can, so she typically just goes for a few hours in the morning and spends the rest of the day with the non-birders. Even still, she was easily able to see 90 new species and reached her 450th bird on this trip.

Here’s our birding breakdown.

Locations:

Puntarenas (Curi-Cancha Refuge and Monteverde Reserve).

Alajuela (La Carolina and Tapir Valley).

Guanacaste (in transit).

John

183 Total bird species on this trip

143 Lifers

670 Total bird species seen to date

Elijah

184 Total bird species on this trip

153 Lifers

532 Total bird species seen to date

Abigail

110 Total bird species on this trip

90 Lifers

458 Total bird species seen to date

Birds seen (* indicates a Lifer):

1. Highland Tinamou*

2. Great Tinamou*

3. Muscovy Duck

4. Crested Guan*

5. Least Grebe*

6. Rock Pigeon

7. Red-billed Pigeon*

8. Short-billed Pigeon*

9. Inca Dove

10. Ruddy Ground Dove*

11. White-tipped Dove*

12. Gray-chested Dove*

13. White-winged Dove

14. Groove-billed Ani

15. Squirrel Cuckoo*

16. Common Pauraque*

17. Vaux's Swift*

18. White-necked Jacobin*

19. Green Hermit*

20. Long-billed Hermit*

21. Stripe-throated Hermit*

22. Brown Violetear*

23. Lesser Violetear*

24. Purple-crowned Fairy*

25. Green Thorntail*

26. Black-crested Coquette*

27. Green-crowned Brilliant*

28. Magenta-throated Woodstar*

29. Ruby-throated Hummingbird

30. Violet-headed Hummingbird*

31. Violet Sabrewing*

32. Crowned Woodnymph*

33. Snowcap*

34. Coppery-headed Emerald*

35. Stripe-tailed Hummingbird*

36. Scaly-breasted Hummingbird*

37. Rufous-tailed Hummingbird*

38. Blue-throated Goldentail*

39. Russet-naped Wood-Rail*

40. Purple Gallinule

41. White-throated Crake*

42. Double-striped Thick-knee*

43. Northern Jacana*

44. Sunbittern*

45. Anhinga

46. Bare-throated Tiger-Heron*

47. Green Heron

48. Western Cattle Egret

49. Great Egret

50. Green Ibis*

51. Black Vulture

52. Turkey Vulture

53. Crane Hawk*

54. White Hawk*

55. Gray Hawk

56. Resplendent Quetzal*

57. Gartered Trogon*

58. Collared Trogon*

59. Lesson's Motmot*

60. Rufous Motmot*

61. Broad-billed Motmot*

62. Ringed Kingfisher*

63. Green Kingfisher*

64. Prong-billed Barbet*

65. Northern Emerald-Toucanet*

66. Collared Aracari*

67. Yellow-throated Toucan*

68. Keel-billed Toucan*

69. Black-cheeked Woodpecker*

70. Hoffmann's Woodpecker*

71. Smoky-brown Woodpecker*

72. Lineated Woodpecker*

73. Golden-olive Woodpecker*

74. Laughing Falcon*

75. Crested Caracara

76. Orange-chinned Parakeet*

77. Brown-hooded Parrot*

78. Red-lored Parrot*

79. Scarlet Macaw*

80. Barred Antshrike*

81. Russet Antshrike*

82. Plain Antvireo*

83. Olivaceous Woodcreeper*

84. Wedge-billed Woodcreeper*

85. White-collared Manakin*

86. Masked Tityra*

87. Northern Schiffornis*

88. Cinnamon Becard*

89. Common Tody-Flycatcher*

90. Eye-ringed Flatbill*

91. Mountain Elaenia*

92. Mistletoe Tyrannulet*

93. Tufted Flycatcher*

94. Northern Tropical Pewee*

95. Eastern Wood-Pewee

96. Yellow-bellied Flycatcher

97. Yellowish Flycatcher*

98. Long-tailed Tyrant*

99. Dusky-capped Flycatcher*

100. Great Kiskadee

101. Boat-billed Flycatcher

102. Social Flycatcher

103. Tropical Kingbird

104. Lesser Greenlet*

105. Yellow-throated Vireo

106. White-throated Magpie-Jay*

107. Brown Jay*

108. Gray-breasted Martin*

109. Southern Rough-winged Swallow*

110. Blue-and-white Swallow*

111. White-browed Gnatcatcher*

112. House Wren

113. Rufous-naped Wren*

114. Rufous-and-white Wren*

115. Cabanis's Wren*

116. Bay Wren*

117. White-breasted Wood-Wren*

118. Gray-breasted Wood-Wren*

119. Black-faced Solitaire*

120. Orange-billed Nightingale-Thrush*

121. Slaty-backed Nightingale-Thrush*

122. Black-headed Nightingale-Thrush*

123. Swainson's Thrush

124. Wood Thrush

125. Mountain Thrush*

126. Pale-vented Thrush*

127. White-throated Thrush*

128. Clay-colored Thrush*

129. House Sparrow

130. Elegant Euphonia*

131. Golden-browed Chlorophonia*

132. Scrub Euphonia*

133. Yellow-crowned Euphonia*

134. Yellow-throated Euphonia*

135. Olive-backed Euphonia*

136. Common Chlorospingus*

137. Black-striped Sparrow*

138. Orange-billed Sparrow*

139. White-eared Ground-Sparrow*

140. White-naped Brushfinch*

141. Chestnut-headed Oropendola*

142. Montezuma Oropendola*

143. Baltimore Oriole

144. Bronzed Cowbird*

145. Giant Cowbird*

146. Great-tailed Grackle

147. Worm-eating Warbler

148. Northern Waterthrush*

149. Golden-winged Warbler

150. Black-and-white Warbler

151. Tennessee Warbler

152. Mourning Warbler*

153. Olive-crowned Yellowthroat*

154. Tropical Parula*

155. Chestnut-sided Warbler

156. Black-throated Green Warbler

157. Chestnut-capped Warbler*

158. Golden-crowned Warbler*

159. Costa Rican Warbler*

160. Buff-rumped Warbler*

161. Wilson's Warbler

162. Slate-throated Redstart*

163. Summer Tanager

164. Carmiol's Tanager*

165. Black-thighed Grosbeak*

166. Blue Grosbeak

167. Scarlet-rumped Tanager

168. Blue-gray Tanager*

169. Palm Tanager*

170. Golden-hooded Tanager*

171. Rufous-winged Tanager*

172. Silver-throated Tanager*

173. Scarlet-thighed Dacnis*

174. Shining Honeycreeper*

175. Red-legged Honeycreeper*

176. Green Honeycreeper*

177. Blue-black Grassquit*

178. Variable Seedeater*

179. Morelet's Seedeater

180. Bananaquit

181. Yellow-faced Grassquit*

182. Buff-throated Saltator*

183. Black-headed Saltator*

184. Southern Lapwing (seen by my son and daughter… I missed it!)

Wendi Huisman Kitsteiner

Costa Rica

We took a family trip (and another family came too!) to Costa Rica. We are home. I took about 7-9 days offline completely. Like I didn't turn my phone on for days at a time! I'm going to be including some pictures and posts in the days to come. Stay tuned.

A few quick pics

What the kiddos are up to

Isaac is WAY into Newsies and is loving it! So excited for him. He continues to take piano, guitar, theatre and voice. He is excited about having his own room as well. Isaac is very involved with his Youth Group and really likes it. He's on leadership and the worship team there. He will be 16 in May and able to drive!

Sidge still plays piano. We have told him he does not need to perform anymore if he doesn't want to. (He doesn't want to.) So he's taking lessons, but we aren't making him do the recitals. He said he'll push through and try to do it until he graduates. He's a little bummed right now that the BIG hunting trip he and John were hoping to do in 2025, has now been pushed to the summer of 2026. We are working on finishing the boys' news room, and Sidge is excited about having his own space -- he has plans for new fish tanks with that. His LOVE is all things biology and nature ALL THE TIME. 

Abigail is still very into ballet. But I'm watching her love to doodle and color with pretty pens when she takes notes for classes. She doesn't love school. (But I am not sure if there is a kid who does?) But, she has found a book series SHE LOVES which is so exciting. It's called the FAIRY TALE ROMANCE SERIES.  Abigail is attending youth now as well and enjoying it. She has made some good friends that she enjoys spending time with!

(The picture above is of Abigail wit her good friends Johnna Beth and Ella (and little sister Ezri.)

Hannah is also very into ballet. She absolutely LOVED her role on stage and it was very hard to say "good bye" to Newton :( She really, really, REALLY loves homeschooling with her Kotysnki family and does NOT want to stay home with us and do her schoolwork. She just finished reading the Gregor the Overlander series (which I read and thoroughly enjoyed many years ago.) It gives me flashbacks to little Sidge when he finished Gregor the first time. He was SO sad when it was over. He was probably about eight-years-old, and I remember him crying saying, "Why couldn't she have written more books? Why does it have to end?"