Sunday, March 30, 2025

While the parents are away …

John and I are away for a few days having the time of our lives! We are so blessed to have JB’s amazing parents around to help with life. And. Amazing Anni took girls to church for me on Sunday!


In church I am sure Abigail was off with her friends, but Pomegranate hung out with Zach and Erin. 



Then Anni took the girls for a lunch at Pals. 

On Monday, Grama took the kids yo co-op. Nichole Gray sent me a pic oh Pomegranate getting to hold a bunny. 



And Tante Jan sent me this pic. I’m not sure what’s happening here. 


Abigail also told me that after turning in their research papers, Ms. Catherine took them outside to blow bubbles. What an amazing life lesson. 

Friday, March 28, 2025

Kim Anderson: How to Stay Calm When Your Kids Won't

I recently had the opportunity to host a "Webinar" with my counselor/therapist KIM ANDERSON with Elevate Moms.

We are all trying to figure out motherhood. Kim is now an empty nester in the Nashville area and Elevate Moms attempts to support women with group coaching.

We are often dysregulated. And our kids are getting dysregulated as well. What do we do with that dysregulation? How do we stop it? And how do we stop it from eeeeking it out onto our kiddos?

We are in a new generation of children. The smartphone has, truly, thrown-up all over all of us. Kim recommend a book entitled: Anxious Generation as we combat statistics like:

  • Clinical depression levels among 12-17 years old doubled between 2011 and 2019. 
  • Anxiety rates indicate 1 in 4 children struggle with anxiety.

As moms we feel non-enough-ness, shame ... and Kim is going to share TWO big tools that can help us as moms. 

Tool #1: WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

When we are in our "Window of Tolerance", we are regulated. We can live out the fruits of the spirit and stay kind and give feedback kindly. Wouldn't it be great if we could live there all the time?

Unfortunately, when we get dysregulated, we end up OUT of our Window. You are always in one of the following three places:

HYPERAROUSAL 7-10 (angry, irritable, blaming, yelling)

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE 4-6 THE IDEAL PLACE THAT WE WANT TO BE!

HYPOAROUSAL 1-3 (feeling empty or numb, detached, just scrolling or zoning out)

Our goal is to WIDEN our "Window of Tolerance." Unfortunately, when we've experienced trauma in our past, our WOT gets much smaller due to all the things that we have had to store in our bodies over the years. We want to be able to handle hard things and not get triggered as easily. 

Our Amygdalia is always scanning for threats, however. It is trying to keep us safe. 

Why does all this matter? Because if we are dysregulated, our kids are dysregulated! If we are out of our WOT, then our kids are out of their WOT. When kids are born, all they can do is cry. Our job as parents is to hold them and soothe them and rock them and to give them our calm. Our job is to give them our regulation. Our children pick up on our dysregulation and can actually cause them more dysregulation.

From "Cradle to Grave" we, as parents, set the tone for our child's nervous system. This is a lot of pressure (although we only have to get it right 33% of the time! More on that in a minute!)

Imagine your daughter Sara goes to school and is always with her BFF Kaitlin. But when you pick her up from school one particular day, you can see she is upset. When you pick up your little cub and see that she is sad, you find yourself immediately feeling out of your WOT. You see she is upset and you want to talk about it because YOU want to get into your WOT. But you have to wait for her to be ready to talk about it. She tells you that her BFF has left her and is hanging out with other people, and she had to eat her lunch in the bathroom, and her BFF is going to a sleepover and your daughter is not invited. 

When we are a regulated parent, we handle it something like this. "Honey, I am so sorry. That is so difficult when you feel alone. Hey, let's go grab dinner and watch a show and just hang out with the two of us." You are showing up and helping her be regulated through your regulation. What you want to do is call Kaitlin's mom and chew her out. But your child needs your regulation to regulate herself. 

Our children should never have to manage our emotions for us. Our kids aren't supposed to be carrying the weight of our pain and our hurt and our anger. Now, here is the good news. We only have to get it right about 33% of the time. You can mess things up 70% of the time. This is based on many different research sources. 

Part of the reason we get out of our WOT is because we put this pressure on ourselves that we have to be perfect parents and get it just right. With the grace of Jesus and the fact that we get to be humans, we do get to mess it up. 

The magical thing that makes this okay is REPAIR. We are modeling for our kids what restoration looks like. You are the perfect imperfect parent for your child. We can apologize and share about Jesus' forgiveness when we do get out of our WOT. 

Here are some great ways to get regulated:

  • Breathing (Triangle breathing is inhaling for 4 seconds, holding 4 seconds, and breathing out for 8 seconds.) The exhaling really gets us regulated. If your child hangs out in hyporegulation, then you want to reverse it and inhale for 8 seconds, hold for 4, and let it out for 4. 
  • Laughter (Watch some comedy)
  • Music (Use the opposite type of music for your mood)
  • Reaching out
  • Taking a bath
  • Butterfly tapping (Crossing your arms over your chest and tapping uses both sides of your brain)
  • Reading a book
  • Exercising  
  • Journaling
  • Going for a drive
  • Changing scenery 

It takes TWENTY minutes for the body to reset. However, most of us want to solve the problems within those twenty minutes. Somewhere along the way we learned that we had to handle it in that moment. Buy time! Give yourself twenty minutes to calm down. 

With older kids and younger kids, you'll have to do different things to buy yourself those twenty minutes. 

Here are our goals:

  • What are your triggers? 
  • What are things that push you out of your WOT? 
  • What are signs that you are in the WOT?
  • What are signs that you are hyperaroused? Hypoaroused?
  • We want to be able to identify which window we are in. 
  • Use S.O.S. (Stop. Observe. Shift.) Stop what you are doing. Observe what is going on. And Shift behavior to change what is happening. 
  • Take the twenty minutes to get regulated. (There is only a 6% chance of handling conflict well when we are out of our WOT.) 
  • Try to parent when you are IN your WOT. If you aren't in your WOT, buy time!
  • Pay attention to the "Shark Music" that is playing in the background -- this is the tune that you here all the time when things are going badly: your shame narrative. 
  • When you make mistakes, REPAIR with your spouse or your children. 
  • Technology really aids in our dysregulation! Use the attached guide for more about handling that in your family.

Our femur bones don't get strengthened if we only swim or cycle. You actually need that pressure and impact to make the bones stronger. You need ruptures and impact to heal. You need to go back and repair. 

It is NEVER too late to repair. If you have wounds with your own parents, if they were willing to repair NOW -- even though you are an adult -- it would be incredibly healing. It doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate. It is just acknowledging your mistakes. 

You also need to have consequences when your child breaks a family rule. For example, when you say "We are taking 20" and they refuse, there needs to be a consequence. (1) What is your vision for your family? (2) What are our family values? (3) What rules do we need to have in our home that protect these values?

Without a consequence, there is no boundary. It is just a preference. 

We parent based on our mood and energy level and that creates anxiety in our kids. When they go to school, the rules are posted on the wall, and they are very clear. We want to run our homes like that. We create structure and safety and rhythm and routine when we do that.

 



Thursday, March 27, 2025

Excerpt from "Make Sense of Your Story"

It appears that, for many people, wishing you were dead because you are overwhelmed by pain is part of life with God. It doesn't last forever, but it's real and it happens, and there's nothing unChristian about it. In fact, wanting to die is often part of the stories of people who love God.

The laments that fill the book of Job (and there are plenty of them) along with laments in other parts of scripture, give you permission to feel. And if you are a Christian, chances are you need that permission -- specifically to feel your so called negative emotions. If you are going to explore your story, you need to feel your anger, fear, and sadness. What is keeping you from feeling these feelings?

What if you prayed your feelings? Not only does the book of Job give us permission to feel, but it also gives us permission to talk with God -- candidly -- about our feelings. Job invites us to pray our feelings. To pray your feelings is to pre-reflectively pour out your feelings to God. This means pour them out before you have reflected upon your feelings and judged them as good or bad. To pray your feelings means to pour them out to God before editing your words. When was the last time you poured out your feelings to God without first making them appropriate for expression to a holy God or consistent with some sort of theology? More specifically, when was the last time you poured out your sadness to God?

If you are not regularly pouring out your anger, fear, and sadness to God, there is a reason for that. Nothing is more hardwired into the human heart than the tendency to run to someone bigger and stronger than you for help when you are in need. If you have stopped running toward someone stronger than you and stopped expressing your sadness, fear, or anger, your story will help you understand why you have stopped. Your story holds the reason. What do you need to begin running to God again and pouring out your feelings? You did this automatically as a five-year-old with your Mom or Dad, or you would have if they were available to you. 

When did you stop doing this with God?

Spiritual Bypassing

I recently stumbled upon something on Instagram. I don't know how to attribute it, but I will say it was on the abistumvoll and justinstumboll pages. They were talking about SPIRITUAL BYPASSING and this really explained what I have done most of my life in response to pain. 

Spiritual bypassing is using spiritual beliefs or practices to bypass:

  • Pain
  • Trauma
  • Life's challenges

Spiritual bypassing produces what appears to be a very simple answer to complex human problems. 

Spiritual bypassing tells us:

  • "You just need to pray more."
  • "You. just need to forgive and it will all be good."
  • "You just haven't been thankful enough lately."

Spiritual bypassing creates a world where you can't get the love and healing of God to the wounds that need it. Instead of acknowledging that there is a wound, it builds a bridge over the wound to try and avoid the wound entirely. And this just means that the wound festers and blisters and gets more and more infected until you have to go to the hospital.

Spiritual bypassing is a road to inauthentic living. Authentic living says, "I will not use spirituality to bypass this, but I'll use spirituality to pass through it." I'm going to come face-to-face with the reality of my human experience, and I'm going to use the truth of spirituality to actually face it, engage it, engage life and people, and walk through the process to the other side where wholeness is revealed."

Spiritual bypassing is birthed from the place of  "I feel so uncomfortable in pain myself, that I can't handle when you're in pain so I want to do or say or believe something that can help me get away from pain as fast as possible."

Let's say I feel uncomfortable in life so I decide to be like, "Well, God is good. You just have to trust that it will all work out" because I don't want to face my uncertainty or discomfort or fear."

Or you might be sharing grief with me, and I am so uncomfortable about your grief because I don't know how to hold it for you or for me so instead I just say, "Well, that person is in a better place." 

Spiritual bypassing is saying, "I don't know how to sit with the fact that there is loss and rejection and abandonment and heartache in life."

But by bypassing pain, we are stuck in more pain. 

This is what I have decided to change in my life! I will no longer avoid pain! I will bring that pain to Jesus and let him sit with me in my pain because only through grief and going through the pain can you heal from the pain! 

Wow! Wow! Wow!

This is what I have been doing for the last year. And I will continue to do it and to do it with others!

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Did you know ...

Did you know that clinical depression among kids in the 12-17 age bracket DOUBLED between 2011 and 2019!? Today, 1 in 4 kids struggles with anxiety. It isn't a question of what is causing this. We know it is smart phones. 


Improv

Isaac has been doing improv theatre two nights a month. Here he is (below) in a picture with his friend Eliza. I love the theatre community and the friends he has made. Music and theatre truly fill his tank. It's just so crazy as he would have been the last kid I ever would have thought would love this stuff. But he does!


The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 9

 


Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here. 









A Typical Tuesday

I decided to make a list of the things I had to do on a Tuesday. These are just what I can remember. I'm sure I forgot things. This is proof that life doesn't get easier as kid get older. It just gets different.

  • Get up and decide to do chickens and ducks so that the girls can sleep in (chickens) and because Isaac is working (ducks).
  • Receive a text from Sidge that he has Leadership Team today. But we don't have a car for him due to our Expedition being broken. 
  • Text piano/voice teacher to change Isaac's lesson to Wednesday so Sidge can use car when Isaac gets off work.
  • Text Isaac to tell him his voice is changed to Wednesday at 2pm.
  • Receive return text from Isaac with reminder that he works until 3p.
  • Text piano/voice teacher back and change Isaac's lesson to piggyback off piano lesson on Thursday. 
  • Text Isaac to tell him his lesson is now changed to Thursday.
  • Play a game of Wingspan with JB before he leaves for Knoxville with Abigail. He has to run an errand there and decides to take Abigail with him for company.
  • Text Aunt Hannah and get Pomegranate to their house via John for school that day since I don't have a car to take her. 
  • Receive text from Isaac saying that he needs proof of education for his job. (He has to prove he is not a truant.)
  • Go on Homelife Academy (our umbrella school for homeschooling) to request proof of education. Decide not to do the expedited for $15 and just do the regular request.
  • Work with Sidge to set up a new sheep paddock. 
  • Realize that with the change in Isaac's voice lesson, he can't bring the four dozen eggs I had put in his car in a cooler to egg people by 2:30 now.
  • Text two egg customers and give them new pick-up location for eggs. It will be 6p at ballet when Sidge gets there for karate (after his leadership meeting)
  • Have to go out and get eggs from the chickens a bit early because another customer is stopping by the house at noon for eggs. She wants six dozen. I have only five dozen in fridge so need to go wrangle up a sixth dozen. 
  • Remember to feed the dogs their breakfast (it's now nearly lunchtime.)
  • Discuss with Grama and JB how to handle the fact that we have to bring my Ford Expedition to the shop on Monday (while we are in Costa Rica.) Our original plan had been to leave my Expedition at the airport. But we can't do that now because it has to go to the shop while we are gone. And it is not driving right so we don't want to take it to the Tri-Cities airport. 
  • Decide to book a hotel for Saturday evening at the airport so someone can bring John and I there on Saturday night instead of having to find someone to take us at 4am on Sunday morning.
  • Wash eggs that are on the counter and get them all packaged up.
  • Spend a lot of the day trying to get "Old Fred Bob" (our remote-control vacuum) to work. He is having a lot of issues and causes me frustration. 
  • Communicate with new person who cleaned the Bonnie Blue to make sure all went well with her in cleaning.
  • Write a Dedication for the yearbook. Text it to multiple people to get quotes and make sure it sounds good. 
  • Work on multiple returns/receipts of clothing both for myself and Abigail. Regret ordering things from multiple places at the same time as figuring out returns gets very confusing. 
  • Complete Bible Study lecture.
  • Complete Bible Study notes. 
  • Grade papers.
  • Get both boys' grades up-to-date in Homelife Academy so that they can register for College classes in the summer/fall. 
  • Work to make sure my British Literature class will be covered while I am in Costa Rica. 
  • Get out my suitcase and begin lightly packing for Costa Rica. 
  • Rotate laundry.  
  • Text Tammy Bowlin to let her know that I don't think Isaac will be able to stay on Leadership Team at Heritage with his new job.
  • Make Hungry root for lunch for Sidge and I. Realize he's already making something else when I start, but he decides to eat my lunch too.
  • Read my Ann Voskamp book on Marco Polo for the groups I run.
  • Send reminders to everyone for parents' meeting we are having with Kim via zoom at 6:30 on Wednesday evening. 
  • Isaac asks me around dinner time if I have that proof of education. I tell him that it will take five business days. He informs me he needs it within 48 hours or he could lose his job. 
  • (Get frustrated at Isaac for not telling me this detail earlier.)
  • Text Aliceson Bales to figure out how to get him education proof earlier.
  • Find another page on Homelife Academy that says he is not truant. Print that.
  • Nervous about not having "official proof" so I go back onto website and resubmit request and do the $15 expedited. 
  • John comes home and we play another game of Wingpsan :)
  • I get a text from Jenny asking if John has filled out her medical form from Rabies Shots she had to have. He has not. Find form, get him to fill it out, and communicate with Jenny when I can get her the form. 
  • Clean up the kitchen.
  • Take Abigail and Isaac up to town at 5:15p for ballet and theatre. 
  • Drop them off in town at 5:45p.
  • Pick Pomegranate up at 5:45p.
  • Correspond with multiple people via Marco Polo throughout the day as time permits. 
  • Add three dozen duck eggs to the cooler Sidge has brought to karate with eggs in it. 
  • Take Pomegranate to the Dunhams to do grammar with Zach.
  • Run out to Hobby Lobby with the Poemgranate. Looking for wax paper (successful!) and Dura-Lar. Hobby Lobby has never heard of Dura-Lar. She has a Lapbook project she needs it for and somehow we accidentally threw away the sheet they gave us. 
  • Buy a shelf for our bathroom too.
  • Hop in the truck and zip across the parking lot to Tractor Supply. Grab Dog food and treats so the dogs will be adequately cared for while we are gone. 
  • Order Dura-Lar on Amazon when I get home that evening. 
  • Return to ballet studio to drop Pomegranate off for Jazz class with Abigail who is already there from her previous class. 
  • Quickly grab cash from ATM to pay Gramps for work he has done at the Bonnie Blue and with our rental camper.  
  • Text with a friend who wants us to adopt one of her chickens who is actually a rooster, but they live in town and can't have roosters and tell her I don't want her rooster. :) 
  • Track down a t-shirt I was supposed to pick-up from someone.
  • Text Patty and find a time we can get together in May when she is in town.
  • Sit in truck and do some school work while they are in Jazz class. 
  • Have quick conversation with LoriAnn while I am sitting there. 
  • Text with Anni. I can't let her use truck in the next few days as planned because we are down a car and struggling to figure out where everyone is going when. 
  • Isaac gets out of theatre at 8p and walks over to where I am waiting and gets in the truck.
  • Girls get out at 8:30p.
  • On the way home, try to figure out how we are going to work the absence of a vehicle on Wednesday. 
  • Randomly make myself a little dinner. Let kids pick and find something to eat. 
  • Text with a friend about her role in a show and tell her how proud I am of her. (Way to go Rachel!)
  • Try to figure out a single person to take to a dinner we purchased a table for. 
  • Reminder that you need to purchase that table. 
  • Discuss whether kids can go to a bonfire on Saturday evening -- the night before we leave on our trip. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2025

Preparing for Columbia

I think there are at least a DOZEN kids in this hula-hoop to work on a team-building activity for their mission trip to Columbia. Sidge is going to Columbia at the end of May with a group from the church. We were actually surprised he would want to do this as he is quite an introvert and not really big on group-stuff. But he really wanted to do it! Isaac went to Mexico two years ago and now Sidge is going to make a trip. 

I have to admit, I often found team-building stuff kinda lame. But Sidge was saying before we go there that day "I'm not so sure about this trip." And after the meeting he told me he was feeling a little bit excited. Honestly, I didn't have to even go with him to the meeting as he drives, but I wanted to be a little bit of parental support for him on this journey. (Even though he finds me slightly embarrassing.)

So thankful for our amazing church and all they bring to our kids and community!



Sunday, March 23, 2025

Friday Funnies

I've been working on repairing with my children. If I think I have done something, not being afraid to say "I'm sorry." Recently, I thought it might be good if I apologize to Isaac for anytime I may have made him feel bad about his slow speaking. Isaac can just be a bit slow to speak. When he was younger, he stuttered. So I was thinking I have probably sometimes put pressure on him to, "just get it out!"

So I apologized to him for this and asked for his forgiveness. Isaac apologized by saying, "It's okay, Mom" in the slowest drawl he could muster! His humor is dry and fun. We both laughed really hard. 

Bonfire








My cousin Cara's daughter Lia came to the bonfire. They live in Knoville, but she was visiting her Grama Jan (my aunt) for the weekend). The bonfire gets so hot you have to stay pretty far away to roast your stuff.

We probably had close to 60 people over to the house for a seasonal bonfire. I have had so many people saying, "When are you going to do another Bonfire?" that I planned this one over a month ago. 

It almost had to be cancelled due to burn bans that were in affect right before and right after. But we got a window and we did it. 

The first picture up above is of a smattering of the teenagers that were there. We have definitely entered a season of our life when teenagers are everywhere. I love it. And I also know that it is a short window in our lives. They went off playing their own games like "murder ball" and "sharks and minnows" and even tried "Capture the Flag."

I hope this summer I can set up some times that the kids can just come and be outside and run and be together! I love seeing my children grow up and become who they are, and yet, the fact that these moments are so fleeting is absolutely not lost on me. The boys have only two more years at home! Time SLOW DOWN.


Friday, March 21, 2025

Isaac's Yoder Job

Hard to believe I have a child now old enough to have a real, bonafide job. But I do. I find it quite interesting/emotional to think that good ol' Yoder's is his first employer. 

Yoder's holds a very special place in my heart. Living "out in the boonies" can be a challenge, but Yoder's being around 7 minutes from our house has always been a highlight of our location. It's a great place to grab a good sandwich or last minute supplies like milk or eggs. When we first moved here, my little boys were only six-years-old. SIX! And now, ten years have gone by and he is working there. 

So proud of him!


 

Thursday, March 20, 2025

12 Signs of an Emotionally Safe Mom

I recently stumbled upon this list of attributes of an "Emotionally Safe" mom. In the past, I think this list would have overwhelmed me. How could I ever be all these things? I can never accomplish all of that! It's too much, and all I will do is end up in a shame fest.

However, I am no longer living in a shame fest. I am now living in freedom I never dreamed imaginable. Now, when I mess up, I am able to forgive myself. I am able to release myself fromt he shame narrative that I lived under for so long.

I used to believe that anytime I felt something, it was the other person who was causing that. An example? We are having a bonfire at our house tomorrow evening. I have realized that I forgot some things for it. John asked me about the things I had forgotten. I immediately felt shame. My internal narrative started it's usual chorus with 

you are a failure; 

your husband can't depend on you; 

you don't do the things normal women do well;

 you forget things; 

he has to carry your load 

... during the last five years, that shame narrative had often turned from just the negative self-talk to actually lashing out at the people I loved the most -- primarily my husband and children. I had to find a source for the dysregulation I found inside. And the only thing most people can blame is others! It was John's fault that I felt shame! He was to blame! He made me feel that way.

But AWARENESS IS EVERYTHING! New Wendi could see what was happening, and she stopped the same cycle and changed the wording. The new wording went like: 

Man, I wish I would have thought of those things. 

It's okay. 

It isn't John's fault. 

Everything is okay. 

He loves you. 

He's proud you are his wife. 

You aren't a failure. 

And instead of lashing out at John, I was able to sit in the discomfort for a bit, and wait for it to pass. 

That change of perspective is changing EVERYTHING! About five years ago, the decades of that kind of self-talk had begun to rest so heavy on me that I could no longer sustain their weight. They were coming out of me in anxiety and depression. They were bubbling up through migraines. And when that wasn't enough to get it out at me, I began exploding on the people I loved the most. 

I did do damage to my children. But I have also learned how to REPAIR. Just saying you are sorry goes SO FAR. Did you know parents only have to "get it right" 33% of the time to develop a secure attachment with their child? (Attachment is crucial for how your child will function as an adult!) And, if I feel I have messed up? Repair at ANY point (even when your child is an adult!) goes a super long way in helping them free themselves from their attachment disorders. 

I say all that to share this list below. These are the types of things I am striving for in my relationship with these four amazing humans the Lord has blessed me with. I trust Him. And if I don't reach my daily/weekly/monthly hopes with my children, my self-talk is not going to turn against myself that's for sure!

  • Unearned Love: She showers her kids with hugs, says "I love you", affirms their worth daily, reflecting God's unconditional love (1 John 4:19).
  • Active Listener: She pauses to truly hear kids' hearts -- joys, fears, all of it -- without judgment. She validates their whole being including negative feelings (James 1:19).
  • Humble Heart: She admits her slip-ups, apologizes for losing temper, and shows them grace starts with her (James 4:10).
  • Loving Discipline: She sets boundaries with love -- likes "chores before screens" -- to guide and not break (Proverbs 13:24).
  • Steady Home: She crafts a solid foundation with routines and fair rules, trusting God to build it (Psalm 127:1).
  • Cheerleader: She champions their unique gifts -- arts, dreams, and quirks -- knowing her kids are wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). 
  • Faith Teacher: She shares Bible stories, like God's grace in the Prodigal Son, planting faith seeds (Deut. 6:7).
  • Living Example: She models patience in chaos, kindness to others, letting Jesus shine through her. Am I kind to other people? (Matt. 5:16).
  • Prayer Warrior: She lifts them up in prayer -- morning, night, every worry -- covering them in God's peace (1 Thes. 5:17).
  • God-Guided: She seeks' God's wisdom through prayer and godly advice. She feeds herself with healthy spiritual food, not social media fast food (Prov. 3:5-6). 
  • Joy-Bringer: She brings light and hope with laughter or gratitude, even on hard days, rooted in his joy (Phil. 4:4). 
  • Faith Grower: She nurtures their walk with Jesus through church, prayer, and heart talks (Josh. 24:15).
  •  

The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 8


Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here.

Wednesday, March 19, 2025

The adventures in misattunement

I am currently reading Adam Young's new book: Make Sense of Your Story. I am on Chapter 5 and so far, it is mostly a "summary" of all the things I have been learning since my 2024 breakdown and subsequent recovery through therapy and learning along with Jesus, the conference, and my own personal healing work. But in Chapter 4, he reiterated something that I wanted to make sure I always remember as I learn to parent my children (better!)

As I have been learning about crucial the parent/child relationship is, I've been learning how to be the parent my children need. I truly believe I did this for my children during their first decade, but it was when they turned 13 that I started finding myself "off" a step here and there as I worked to "know" them. My own dysregulation was making me blame THEM when I felt angry instead of recognizing that I am the parent, and it is my job to stay regulated and handle their BIG emotions. 

I can feel a lot of regret when it comes to mistakes I have made with the kids.

But here is what is is awesome to know:

Parents of securely attached children (my goal for my children!) demonstrate attunement and responsiveness on the first time about 33% of the time. In other words, they get it wrong 66% of the time! "Parenting should be called the adventures in misattunement. However, the reason these children are securely attached is that these parents noticed that they "missed it" and offer repair most of the time

Children are in need of "The Big Six" from their parents. You can read more details about this list at the link, but here is a quick reminder of what these are:

  • Children need attunement from their parents. This means the parent can tell when the child is "off".
  • Children need responsiveness from their parents. This means that not only does the parent see something is wrong, but they go to the child and try to help.
  • Children need their parents to offer engagement. Does your parent/s delight in your and genuinely want to get to know you?
  • Children need a parent to offer the Ability to Regulate Arousal for their children. A child cannot do this themselves. They need their parent to do this.
  • Children need a parent to be Strong Enough to Handle Your Negative Emotions.
  • And probably the most important of all is: A child needs Willingness to Repair.

Here's where most parents screw up: If you are a parent and you do not apologize to your child, the child has no choice but to assume that they are the problem. This is because a child's word 

MUST

MAKE

SENSE.

If the parent yells and screams at them, hits them, gives them the silent treatment ... and 

does

not

repair ...

then the child is left with a horrendous decision to make. Either they blame the parent which makes them not feel safe in their own environment or they blame themselves. 

Children most often choose to blame themselves. 

I am striving every day to own mistakes I make with my children. I am striving to apologize. To let them know that ANY time I yell, it is MY fault. They are never allowed to make me yell or hit or do anything else. 

I am feeling such incredible freedom to learn these things. A child is never supposed to be "able" to dysregulate me. I am the adult. I should be stable and regulated. And I am working so hard to be JUST THAT!

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Think "all this" isn't "fixing" your people-pleasing? Try again!

I've been working so hard. Working to change old patterns and learned behaviors so that I become the best version of Wendi! Almost all of these surround people-pleasing/fretting and how the dysregulation in my body causes me to explode on the people I love most -- my husband and children. 

I cannot explain how debilitating the need to please people was in my life. It was so bad, I had to take medication to prevent myself from hyperventilating in a corner when I thought someone may not like me.

I am not in therapy much at all anymore. Most of my learning is taking place on my own. I have worked so, so hard. And I will keep working. I read something online that really resonated with me, and I want to share it here with you.

Sometimes I mess up, and I find myself slipping back into my old ways. When I think that, I have to remember PROOF that I know that I am healing. Here are some true things happening to me that prove I am healing.

1. I pause before reacting. Instead of immediately going into fight, flight or people-pleasing mode, I take a breath. That second of awareness is progress.

2. I'm uncomfortable in my old patterns. The things I used to do on auto-pilot (over-explaining, ignoring my needs, tolerating toxic behavior) now feel wrong. That discomfort is growth!

3. I recognize my triggers in real time. I still feel anxious or overwhelmed sometimes, but now I can name what's happening. "Oh, this is my nervous system going into overdrive." That's awareness! That's progress!

4. I set boundaries -- even when it is hard. I don't just say "yes" out of guilt anymore. And even though setting limits still feels uncomfortable, I don't abandon myself to keep the peace.

5. I let myself rest without feeling guilty. I no longer define my worth by productivity. Resting without spiraling into self-judgment? That's healing!

6. I'm kinder to myself. Maybe I still struggle with negative thoughts, but I can catch them now. I'm starting to question the voice that tells me "I'm not good enough." That shift in self-talk is major progress!

Healing isn't about never struggling again. It's about noticing, choosing differently, and slowly becoming the version of yourself who no longer settles for survival mode. 

Sweetness


This adorable little boy lamb was born the the other day to one of our black mamas. He is such a cutie pie!! Our first-time Mamas usually lamb later than the veterans so they are getting a run of it right now. I just love little lambs. I wish I could look as young as he does. 

Sunday, March 16, 2025

Shalom

 

Spring is coming. 

Spring is coming in the seasons. And Spring is also coming in my heart. 

After a year of pain beyond my wildest imagination, after a year where I lay on the floor of my bedroom day after day with gaping wounds that left me barely able to function ...

my heart 

has healed. 

Or, should I say it is healing. I suppose it will always be healing. But at least now, the wounds have healed to a degree that the pain is not cutting me with every breath. 

And with that healing comes peace beyond my wildest imagination. 

Shalom. 

I am now beginning, for the first time in my life, to experience ... peace.

Shalom.

In the Bible, Shalom extends beyond the definition of the word ... peace. 

It is beyond the absence of conflict and encompasses wholeness, well-being, and completeness. 

And while peace has surrounded the internal part of my being. This farm I live on is part of my Shalom.

I packed a bag with my journal and a bottle of water and a few other incidentals and hiked to one of my favorite places on the farm. 

Who am I kidding? I have so many favorite spots on our farm. But this one is by a fence line, neighboring Billy's farm under some trees with breeze and shade and a view of every single place in the pasture.

Our farm is my favorite. 

The joy it evokes in me is a combination of peace and faith and love and future and past all combined into the beauty that is my life. 

I picture that life 25 years ago ... me walking down the aisle to marry my high school sweetheart, and I wish I could tell my younger self how much of a dream come true she was about to begin.

(I wish I could go back to many versions of my younger selves and tell her a lot of things.)

We were city people. 

Suburban at the very least. 

Not rural.

And definitely not country

And yet, here I am now.

Our decision to purchase this 96-acres was a negotiation and a dance and a bit of mental chess between my renaissance man of a best friend and his absolutely clueless wife.

He wanted rural. 

I didn't. 

(Or, of course, I thought, I didn't.)

I would be lonely. And the dark would be scary. And I wouldn't have neighbors. And I didn't know anything about animals or farm land or woods. 

Woods?! 

Weren't there bears in the woods? And maybe wolves (or something like that?)

But somehow, in the course of two decades together, he managed to move me deeper ... to wiggle me further and further into something I never dreamed of ... dreaming of. 

And now I dream in reality. 

The peace on this farm winds itself down into the recesses of my heart. It moves into the tiniest crevices of my soul and leaves me smiling from the inside out. 

Today I met a new baby lamb, and then, while I sat by the fence writing in my journal, another one was born, a black little beauty with white across his head. 

The mother cleans him. Or her. Too soon to know. But can you get any more peaceful that a newborn baby lamb on a perfectly temperatured Spring day?

My second boy breathes nature just like his Dad, and as I pass him on the way to one of my favorite spots, I find him taking a part an old chicken tractor. His red neck is glistening with sweat. He arms are just tanning up with April looming around the corner.

My trusty sidekick, Arabelle, goes to give him some love, and I think, What would Elijah do without this farm? Who would he be without the space that is his home?

Without the space that is my home.

What would we all do with this land and the grass and the woods and the dogs and the animals and the nature that brings rest to my life. 

I turn and see Abigail, camera strapped to her chest, meandering near the chickens. The egg basket is nearby. She's scooping out feed for the laying chickens and simultaneously stopping to take photos of the most random things. 

Abigail takes photos of everything and sometimes I can't even see what she's taking a picture of ...


 ... and then I see the photo later and I can actually see the pollen on the bee, and I think, what would her life be like without these pastures and the woods and the space and the quiet and the peace that is our life here on the Bauernhof?

I want to thank my husband. I want to thank the God that made him with a love of all things nature in his heart. I want to thank my Savior for knowing what I would need before I even could contemplate needing them. 

I want to thank him for Shalom.

We long for Shalom. Peace, harmony, and delight between ...

me and myself.

me and other people.

me and the Creator.

But also?

me and the Earth. 

And I say that knowing that years ago I would have thought I was some sort of tree-hugging yoga person. And now I know that it isn't that at all.

To have fullness of life, we need integration 

We need shalom

We were created for this, and while many of us strive for this, I believe we are missing one of the key areas that we were meant to be integrated upon. 

The Earth.

Nature. 

Peace. 

Shalom. 

We strive in our journeys toward mental health for the connection with ourselves, our God, and our fellow man. 

But we also need is what I am getting sitting under the tree, chatting with my nephew and his fiancee. She lays on a blanket petting my dog. Gabe tells me about his thoughts regarding mustaches and chewing tobacco and honeymoon locations. 

The breeze is blowing. There is sheep poop on his future wife's shirt from the little lamb she just had to hold in the field. And it feels like we have all the time in the world. We talk of church. We talk of relationships. We talk of our own personal health. 

But we also feel what we need to feel. We feel the Earth. We feel the grass. We feel the sunshine. We feel the breeze. 

We feel Shalom. 

 

 

Saturday, March 15, 2025

The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 7


Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here.