The adventures in misattunement

I am currently reading Adam Young's new book: Make Sense of Your Story. I am on Chapter 5 and so far, it is mostly a "summary" of all the things I have been learning since my 2024 breakdown and subsequent recovery through therapy and learning along with Jesus, the conference, and my own personal healing work. But in Chapter 4, he reiterated something that I wanted to make sure I always remember as I learn to parent my children (better!)

As I have been learning about crucial the parent/child relationship is, I've been learning how to be the parent my children need. I truly believe I did this for my children during their first decade, but it was when they turned 13 that I started finding myself "off" a step here and there as I worked to "know" them. My own dysregulation was making me blame THEM when I felt angry instead of recognizing that I am the parent, and it is my job to stay regulated and handle their BIG emotions. 

I can feel a lot of regret when it comes to mistakes I have made with the kids.

But here is what is is awesome to know:

Parents of securely attached children (my goal for my children!) demonstrate attunement and responsiveness on the first time about 33% of the time. In other words, they get it wrong 66% of the time! "Parenting should be called the adventures in misattunement. However, the reason these children are securely attached is that these parents noticed that they "missed it" and offer repair most of the time. 

Children are in need of "The Big Six" from their parents. You can read more details about this list at the link, but here is a quick reminder of what these are:

• Children need attunement from their parents. This means the parent can tell when the child is "off".
• Children need responsiveness from their parents. This means that not only does the parent see something is wrong, but they go to the child and try to help.
• Children need their parents to offer engagement. Does your parent/s delight in your and genuinely want to get to know you?
• Children need a parent to offer the Ability to Regulate Arousal for their children. A child cannot do this themselves. They need their parent to do this.
• Children need a parent to be Strong Enough to Handle Your Negative Emotions.
• And probably the most important of all is: A child needs Willingness to Repair.

Here's where most parents screw up: If you are a parent and you do not apologize to your child, the child has no choice but to assume that they are the problem. This is because a child's word 

MUST

MAKE

SENSE.

If the parent yells and screams at them, hits them, gives them the silent treatment ... and 

does

not

repair ...

then the child is left with a horrendous decision to make. Either they blame the parent which makes them not feel safe in their own environment or they blame themselves. 

Children most often choose to blame themselves. 

I am striving every day to own mistakes I make with my children. I am striving to apologize. To let them know that ANY time I yell, it is MY fault. They are never allowed to make me yell or hit or do anything else. 

I am feeling such incredible freedom to learn these things. A child is never supposed to be "able" to dysregulate me. I am the adult. I should be stable and regulated. And I am working so hard to be JUST THAT!