My Heart during Covid

Yesterday, I hit a very low spot. I had three different friends facing COVID. John was in the ER facing COVID at every turn. I had found out that the patient John had most likely contracted COVID from had died from complications after not listening to JB tell her how serious her condition was. And then I got a call from a family member. Her neighbor, whom I knew, was at home battling COVID and died of a massive heart attack in seconds. 

I felt SO done. 

And I penned these words on Facebook:

My heart is done. I would never go into medicine. But I’m married to a doctor. So COVID has been sucker punching us for eight months.

John Kitsteiner

handles it so well. He just keeps his eye on helping the next person. But now it’s more and more people we know. Three more families I'm close to are facing this right now. John just found out the relatively young patient who exposed him (and subsequently all of us) to COVID ... died from it. Dead! And another friend of our family died today suddenly from COVID. I’m so sad and weary. I’m not strong enough to support my husband anymore. I can’t do it. It’s too sad. It’s too awful. How can he keep doing this? I want to quit but there is no quitting ....

Could everyone just agree to put aside all our differences and unite to fight this? It's real. So, so, so real.

I truly felt like I couldn't handle any more sadness. John had gotten home from work that evening, late again as is the norm these days, and told me he didn't even want to talk about what had happened that day. (Although he did share one funny story about another doctor asking him to do an intubation on a COVID patient since ... "Well, you've already had COVID. You might as well do it.") (And another old lady who said: "Well if I die from COVID, you are a good last thing to see.")

I cried so much yesterday. I still feel very sick from my own COVID battle. I had done more farming work then I probably should have that day and was exhausted. My physical exhaustion and sickness had wrapped up in my mental exhaustion, and I wanted to quit.

Only I couldn't quit. Other hard things in my life, I could quit. I could quit infertility. Just stop. Give up. But this? There is no quitting. John is not leaving the Emergency Room. Especially not right now: a General in the heat of battle. I can't quit watching my friends and family face COVID or the community be ravaged by this. 

But I wanted to quit. Ohhh, I wanted to quit.

So yesterday I penned these words. I prayed. I read. I listened. So many of you encouraged me, and specifically, here were a few things I received that REALLY ministered to me.

My friend LaShea (who lives in Germany) sent me a link to a podcast: Dancing in the Dessert (Bishop T.D. Jakes). LaShea specifically encouraged me to listen to the first 18 minutes. This was incredibly powerful to me.

My friend Angelica (who lives in Spain) sent me this: Seeing God's Goodness in the Midst of Difficult Circumstances. It equally ministered to me. 

Another friend, Diane (who lives in Philadelphia) sent me this song by Madisa. I love Mandisa but had never heard this song before:

I was also reminded of a song that ministered to me incredibly during our infertility battle:

Yesterday was such an amazing day in so many amazing ways. I had asked for donations on Facebook to buy lunch for the ER staff. Within 24-hours, I had received almost $2,000! We were able to do two meals yesterday and have plans for additional gift cards and other gifts. There are good people! There are people who want to help! I am not alone.

I had a lot of people leave comments that encouraged me on Facebook. You can read all the comments by clicking here. But this one from my Aunt Mary, really spoke to me:

The only way I can describe yesterday for me was this feeling that for eight months I have been watching death circle. And now it was circling closer and closer. And I still felt like the word didn't see it and didn't understand it and didn't believe it. And I just wanted the death and pain to STOP.

I was reminded of this song that a friend had sent me a few weeks ago and really ministered to me. Reminding me that John has been called for "such a time

Here's another song that really hit me yesterday:

For now, I've decided to take some time away from social media and my phone and just hunker down with my family and recover a bit. Thank you to those of you who have been there for me during this time. I love you all. I have been so blessed by SO many of you. I have an army behind me. And that feels amazing.