I am growing.
I feel it.
Every little thing I learn about how I think. Thought patterns. Losses. Griefs. Perceptions. Errors.
Growth.
But I truly never imagined how painful this journey could be.
It is impossible for me to explain what the last two years of my life have been like. I have a few very close friends who have helped me through a lot of it. And those people have the closest viewpoint to what has been going on with me.
But their view is still limited.
There is no way to explain what this feels like inside.
I would not wish this upon anyone.
And yet, I have so many friends going through difficult things. And I wouldn't want their journey either.
My two friends who are now into their third year of being a widow.
Another friend who is getting divorced with five young children.
Another who is living with metastatic cancer.
God ... this life here on Earth is NOT easy.
The truth is: I don't plan on it being easy. But I do plan on having internal peace with whatever path God leads me down.
And that is going to take some rewiring.
Which I am doing.
I am actually in an online recovery group for anxiety. In short, my nervous system has gotten stuck in the "on" position, and I am working to get it to turn off.
Where do I see myself in six months?
I hope (mostly) on the other side of this.
But more than anything, I hope the second half of my life can be me trust God fully. I want to be okay with people who don't like me. I want to not fear letting someone down. I want to not feel I have to prove my worth. I want to live for Jesus and HIM ALONE.
I am truly getting there.
A few days ago I sent a text. The person did not text me back.
"Old Wendi" would have followed that up and worked to confirm that person wasn't mad at me.
"New Wendi" says: I know my worth. And people who love me, will love me. Even if I make a BIG mistake. Which I might make.
I previously lived in a state of thinking I could be perfect. Because if I wasn't, I was in danger.
New Wendi is learning that perfection does NOT exist. And I have to trust that people who truly value me would say: "You messed up. But I forgive you."
This happened with a close friend of mine recently. I shared something with her that I did not want her to share with her daughter. She accidentally did. The daughter told it to someone else and it got back to my daughter. Ugh!
My friend apologized. She said she just forgot. And she was sorry. I was frustrated. But she's a human. There is a LOT of grace. I forgave her. And we taught our daughters that same gift.
Forgiveness.
I AM WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS.
Even if I committed the worst atrocity known to man, Jesus died for my sins.
And so, I am going to live that way. If someone doesn't choose to forgive me ... if someone wants to shut me out of their life ... I CANNOT CONTROL THAT.
I lived thinking I could.
And that is where my intense fear stems from. Somewhere in my childhood, I began believing that if I acted correctly, I could prevent people form not liking me and not shutting me out of their life. And that is how I stayed safe.
NO
MORE.
You know what safety is now?
I am safe with my safe people. And I have some. I have some people in my life that I know, no matter what, they would always have my back.
The chief of those people is my husband. He is safe for me. Always. He will always be there for me. Even my children may choose to not have me in their life someday. I will be okay with that. I will be okay if I have God and my husband.
(And truly, even my husband, would have to come second to Jesus.)
My body is still learning that it is safe. I am teaching it these things, but it doesn't quite believe me yet.
But it will.
Jesus.
My ultimate safe person.
