By far the hardest thing I have ever done is rewiring my nervous system. Teaching it new patterns and new ways. But seeing it actually learning is amazing. It doesn't happen as often as I would like but all of a sudden my brain will GET IT.
BOOM!
I have an intense fear of people being mad at me. I have an intense fear of worrying what people think.
I have to work very hard to keep that in check throughout the day. I am a human. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt people. No matter what I do, I cannot avoid someone, at some point, deciding they don't like me. Or someone deciding I screwed up.
But I can stop myself from perseverating about it! And that's what I am learning to do. I have something called TouchPointe bracelets. As long as I catch the thoughts as soon as they start, I can stop them from plaguing me. I can stop the loop.
Sometime the loop gets away from me (especially after a night of sleep or a dream or not paying attention to the thoughts.) But if I stay on top of the thoughts, I can keep them at bay.
And then, all of a sudden, I get an evening like tonight when I realize I DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES ANYMORE! It is so incredibly freeing. I am always in shock that something that is bothering me constantly, now isn't even on my radar.
I am so blessed that I have already taught my children this incredible skill. And I am still working to teach them. If I ever slip into people-pleasing in front of them, I will quickly correct myself and not allow the lesson to stand! Through being married to an amazing man who wouldn't allow me to inflict these tendencies on to my children, my children are NOT PEOPLE PLEASERS! Praise the Lord!
And very soon, I will not be either.
I cannot believe that I could ever live with this freedom! It is so exciting to me!
While you may not be a people-pleaser, there is a chance that you have some form of past trauma that has grown into your nervous system. Common inflictions on people include:
- Medical anxieties (fear you are going to get sick or die)
- Fear that your children will be injured or harmed
- Money concerns
- Fear of abandonment
- Social situations
- And MANY more.
Where do these come from? Some come from your parents. You watched them do it, and they inadvertently taught you. But not always. Sometimes it can come from a random situation that just sort of happens.
Abigail had this. She developed an intense fear of going to bed at night. We finally got her therapy, and I was very prepared to find out this was a behavior I had inadvertently cultivated. But, it wasn't. Instead, she simply had coincidentally had a panic attack coupled with sleep at some point. And that fear had stuck to her.
It truly doesn't matter the source of your trauma or pain. What matters is: NOT LIVING WITH IT ANYMORE!
Unfortunately, undoing it is HARD. It requires looking back at where it came from which can often involve a lot of pain and grief. You have to be incredibly intentional. You also have to FACE YOUR FEAR.
I had gone most of my life keeping most people liking me and not being upset with me. However, about five years ago, I had two different friends sit down with me and have difficult conversations. They shared their concerns about me. They shared their fears for what they were seeing in my behavior.
I was kind to them. But I didn't agree. And I basically tossed away what they said.
Until I had a breakdown in 2024. My body said: "What they said. It's true. We can't go on like this anymore."
And I am not. I am fighting. It is brutal. But I am growing!
