The new Wendi

Fall in His arms. Just fall and bring it all.  

I can no longer be what I was. 

And what was I? 

I was someone who believed that if someone got upset at me, it would physically kill me. I know that sounds like I am exaggerating, but I am not. That is what my body believed. That is how I reacted. 

I also believed that sadness, depression, anger ... any emotion that wasn't happy was BAD. A sin actually. (I mean, did I ever read the Psalms?) 

The Father has every kind of healing you need. 

And so, I created a Pollyanna persona, and I let her be me. That's who I was. Or so I thought. Treat everyone perfectly. Never even possibly ruffle someone's feathers. Be silent on any issues that could upset someone. 

Never ... ever ... ever ... upset someone. And if, you somehow still managed to do so, go into full-court press damage control immediately. "Fix that problem Nooooooowwwwww, Wendi, or you will die!" 

Lies. It was all lies that my nervous system believed.  

I did that. For 47 years. 

And then, my body fell into a crumpled mass, no longer able to sustain the weight I had placed upon it. It literally stopped working. I couldn't get out of bed. And if I managed to, I couldn't get off the floor. And I had no choice but to rebuild from the ground up. 

And now? Now I must accept that if I be this person that I feel God is calling me to be, someone may not like me.  

God is your defender. You get to release it. 

And here's where everything gets SO hard. 

If I don't carefully edit everything I do, they may get mad at me. (Of course, this could have happened before I edited. But now, the chances are even higher!)

And then, if they get mad at me, and I don't grovel and throw themselves at them, they may ... abandon me.  

"Look! I'll dump coals on my head! I'll do anything! As long as you keep liking me. Even though you aren't really seeing me. You are seeing a fake version of me that is the version I want you to see because it is the version that you will always like."

No. No more.  

I am worthy.

I am enough. 

I am allowed to exist and be real and say things that aren't correct and accidentally hurt someone's feelings or make them very angry. 

And if I accidentally do something to hurt someone, I am worthy of repair. 

Say it louder for the people in the back!!!!! 

I AM WORTHY OF REPAIR!!! 

If mad-at-me-person values me and our relationship, they will have the courage to come back and speak to me. And talk to me. And they won't not love me just because I made a mistake. They would forgive me. 

Aaaaaah, but if they don't? 

If they don't, I will let them walk away.  

Other people have emotions, and they are in charge of their feelings and emotions, and I cannot control them.  

Romans 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." And so I will do that. I will go to the fence and say, "I'm sorry if I hurt you. Can we talk about it?" The outcome isn't your's to control, Wendi. Rest.

But if they don't want to? 

Then I will not beg them. 

Super easy, eh? 

Ummmm, not really.  

The favor of God will not be taken from you.

This process is excruciating  for me. This means I have to sit in the fact that someone may not like Wendi. (Egads!)

Oh but Wendi! The pain isn't forever. No matter how it feels. 

But I'm going to be okay with it. Because the alternative is to teach my children a way of living that I do not want them to live in.  

Abigail approached a friend the other day who had lied to her and called him/her to it. Stood up for herself. I was so proud! You go girl! Yes! You deserve that. You are valuable. You are worthy. You don't live for MAN. You live for God! God's plan is still very much intact. 

You go girl!

You go, Wendi!