A friend sent this article to me. This really echoed so much of what I have been feeling ... when my husband found out he was positive, there was a weird sort of "relief" ... coupled with a feeling of the inevitable. It's like he has been carrying a ruck sack of bricks on his back for months. And now the bricks are removed ... he's grateful to have it "over with" and yet he has to heal and "get back to it."
He's a lot sicker today than he was yesterday. Sicker than the day before. And I have to just wait and watch me and the kids. I pray. I do trust God. But it's super scary.
In the video on the page I linked to, the doctor said: "At some point we don't feel like heroes anymore. We feel like sacrificial lambs."
I have to admit, I struggle with those emotions. A big part of me is just ANGRY. I have to remember this is John's calling. These are God's children he is helping. I know that. But I don't always feel it.
It is SO hard to see people make really bad choices and then bring those choices into my husband who is now laid out with COVID while we are all at home here with him and now have COVID on our doorstep.
I am overwhelmed. I feel like crying. I do cry. I'm scared. I trust God. And then I don't. While John is here, he's gotten calls about things going on in the ER and with the ambulances in the county. Things that are getting out of control. And he's at home. Sick. Will he get sicker? Or will it be mild? Will it just be him? Or will it be all of us? One by one? All at once?
John's parents are high-risk. What about them?
My faith. Do I have any faith? Where is it? Right this moment it feels complete absent. Did I lose it?
And the community just carries on. Everyone just carries on, going into Walmart and not wearing their masks because "heaven forbid anyone tell me what to do!?"
But if they get sick, they go in and see John and then say: "I didn't think it would be this bad."
WHY?! Why don't they think it'll be bad. We've told you. You won't listen.
Give me a break.
I know this will be cycles.
I'll cycle back into trust. And faith.
Please pray for us. Pray for me.
Right now I'm really low.
7 comments:
I know I here you as we listen to a friend that has it and every day call, check on him from far away. He just wouldn’t listen. I’m here for you praying! Praying for Jon to recover quickly and that none of you get it.
Wendi, you are not faithless ... people around you will support you with their faith and lift you in prayer even if you do not feel it. Do nothing but be with your family. Breath. Cling to the Holy One. Sometimes that simply means whispering His name "Jesus Jesus Jesus."
"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." -John 7:67-69
Opps, sorry. That verse is from John 6:67-69
I feel all of the feels on so many levels. Almost cried reading the article of being “tired” as it’s exclusively the only word I can use. I pray that you will be sustained through this. That in all things God will be glorified and that you will emerge successful and healthful. You’re in our thoughts ❤️
-the Soucy’s
I am so, so sorry. Prayers for your husband and your family. God understands when we feel our faith slipping, that is when His other children can pray.
Thinking of you and your family ❤️
I have many doctor friends who can most certainly relate with you and your conflicting emotions in seeing John struggle with this disease himself. We're praying for John and his collegues and all health care professionals in these most difficult days, and for their spouses, children and families who are also carrying the weight of fear, anxiety, frustration, and yes anger over how the misguided and unthinking actions of others place their loved ones in danger. Praying for a reduction in his symptoms and complete healing and restoration and protection for you and your family. Thanks for your writing and honesty.
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