What do you see?

Picture 1

Pictures.

When I was growing up they were a special thing. They cost a lot of money. You didn't get to pick your best shot. You had to wait for film to be developed. You had to show your friends your photos in a little physical album -- you couldn't text it or email it or post it to Facebook.

But today? That has all changed. Today we can take dozens and dozens of photos. Then we choose the one we will show with the world. We can change the colors and lighting and blur out pieces that we don't like. We can whiten our teeth and have a perfect tan.

Now, if I am being honest, the picture above didn't go through any editing. But it was one of three Joan snapped of me during that fleeting moment.

Here were the other two completely raw pictures:

Picture 2

Picture 3

Isn't it funny how a picture can look like you but not actually feel like you?

I look at picture 1, and I see peace. I see tranquility. I see being totally relaxed on vacation.

And yet, while I was trying to do that, only a few people knew how much I was struggling. 

In fact, it's picture 3 that I feel like really shows what Wendi was feeling that day. Wendi has been struggling. I've been battling some anxiety that likes to rear up its ugly head every now and then. I'm on vacation. I'm trying to relax. And yet I just cannot let it all go. I'm really, really trying.

Picture 1, the one that I now have as my Facebook profile picture, tells the world something. But it isn't a true story.

It's why I strive, always, to keep it real. To tell the TRUE story. The TRUE story is that Wendi is in a little bit of a pit. It's not a deep one. (I've been in those and hope to never go back again.) But it's a little bit of a hole, and I want to climb out of it, and I am really trying. I am posting photos and blogging and being present in moments, but sometimes, my heart isn't in it the way I wish it was. Sometimes I am watching like a spectator, not completely participating.

And so, if you are seeing pictures that other people are posting and thinking, "How do they have it all together?" . . .

And so, if you are posting pictures yourself and able to see the pain behind by your smile . . . 

You are not alone. You are NOT the only one battling adrenaline and anxiety and depression. We are here. With you. We are posting photos and sharing our lives, but often, the photos aren't showing what we are feeling. 

Reach out. If you are struggling today, know that there is a very tall blonde girl who may seem to have it altogether struggling a bit as she goes to sleep tonight.

THIS is what anxiety looks like. 
THIS is real.
THIS is doing life together.