Visitors

We had some farm visitors on Friday last week. Jim and Lee (whom we met in Vermont) were vacationing in Pigeon Forge, and they came by the farm for a few hours. So excited to let them meet our doggies (they are Aussie lovers) and get to see our farm — despite it bring mud season. Fun times! 

Tuesday Truth (on a Friday)

Juxtaposition

These two pics crack me up. Sidge trying to show me the rabbit he got and Abigail walking right between them with a prom dress she tried on. 

Colllddd

It had warmed up and now it is cold again! In addition, we had finally gotten our chickens grown and laying after losing a bunch this summer and last night someone forgot to put them to bed (shutting them in) and coyotes got a bunch. So here are John and Sidge trying to get ready to get the coyotes: 

Rollerskating

It’s Ella’s Sweet 16! The girls went roller skating in Johnson City. Wendi, continuing to keep an eye on her commitments, allowed Reagan and Zoey’s Mom, Staci, to do the driving. Here are a few pics Staci sent me: 

Facebook Post

 I wrote this on Facebook today. 

I keep thinking: I don't need to share about all this stuff I've been going through. Just keep healing Wendi. You don't have to tell people about it. 

 

But that's never been the person I am. I truly WANT to help people. I want people to feel that they aren't crazy. When this happened to me, if it wouldn't have been for a series of divine interventions, I would have felt that I was "the only one."

 

And I could do that. I could keep pretending that I have it all together. That my chronic people-pleasing and busyness didn't cause me to collapse two years ago.

 

And then someone else messages me today feeling EXACTLY like I did. And I can help them not feel alone and not feel crazy.

 

If you are battling depression, anxiety, sleep issues, health issues (that they can't figure out a cause for) ... if you are using sleep, food, alcohol, drugs, scrolling, political (or other obsessions), busyness, people-pleasing, etc. you are doing it to SURVIVE. It's your drug of choice.

 

And that drug will eventually kill you. Or kill your kids. Or your relationships.

 

I've learned that I can't force this down anyone's throat. If you aren't ready to see it, you won't be able to. I had MANY friends try to tell me, and I had no idea what they were talking about. I had it altogether.

 

Until it all fell apart.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

The Promised Land

I can feel so tempted to stop walking. Go back where I was. I knew it there. Safer. But no. Keep on walking through this awful uncomfortable mess. Keep walking. 

WOAH!

 "You cannot wish for a strong character and an easy life for the price of each is the other." 

Mondays ....

 .... are co-op days. 

Co-op days are BIG and LONG and HARD. 

I am the vice-president of Heritage Home Scholars. I love this place for my kids. I love seeing my friends. But ... whew. It takes a lot out of me. 

I can't even fathom being in charge of a school every day of the week.

One day is plenty.

However, I continue to feel better and better, and I am so encouraged that I am coming out of a hard season in my life. 

I'm growing SO much.

I've learned SO much.

I am a new person.  

Just Dream

Isaac has stayed performing with Lamplight Theatre in Kingsport, TN. It’s a Christian company, and it had been such a positive experience in his life. This production is called “Just Dream”. I went and saw it yesterday with Gramps and Grama and Sidge. John will go next weekend with the girls. 

New play!

Isaac starts a new play this weekend. They’ve been rehearsing for weeks but this weekend is the start of the performances! It’s a play about MLK. I’ll share more I am sure. This is with a Christian company in Kingsport. 

Winter Jam 2026

Abigail and Isaac are at Winter Jam in Knoxville this evening. Abigail went with her dear friend Reagan and her mom Staci. Isaac went with his buddy Charlie. 

Understanding Nervous System Recovery

(Part 1 of ___). I have no idea how  

Today, I am PINK. 

• RED is bad.
• YELLOW is okay. (I still feel pretty lousy at yellow).
• GREEN is good. (But I'm still not "Wendi").
• PINK is "WENDI IS HERE."

Today, Wendi is HERE. 

To be honest, I have had very little, if any PINK in eight months. Limited. To feel that today feels absolutely amazing. It is an encouragement to me that I am inside of me! Sometimes I start t fear I'll never feel me again.

The problem is, it is so so hard to remember these things when I am RED or even YELLOW. 

More and more, John and I are realizing that very few people discuss this nervous system recovery stuff. They discuss anxiety. They discuss depression. They discuss panic attacks. But this state that I am in is rarely if ever discussed. 

I've been feeling like I need to try to explain it more. To put it into words. But as I attempt to do so, it becomes quite apparent why no one talks about this. It's HARD to explain.  

Basically, I am in a season of "recovery." Our systems carry the weight of everything we've experienced over time -- not just the obvious busy days, but the patterns and habits we've built over the years. For me, this pattern was a way of numbing and coping. I numbed pain (although I had NO idea) by staying very busy, keeping people happy, doing things for others, and never slowing down. Like, ever. 

Why did I do this? Because feeling emotions wasn't safe for me. People do this for various reasons, but in my case, feeling became too painful. So I figured out ways to not feel. It's crazy to think I did this. But I did. And we can do it for a long time. But sometime (usually in your 40's) the attempt becomes too much. 

It's at this point that people turn to unhealthy behaviors. They scream at their kids. They lash out. They drink earlier and earlier in the day. They do drugs. They numb with social media. They eat. They sleep too much. In my case, I didn't do these things (much) so mine started coming out in migraines. It also came out in depression during my pregnancies. 

Now, I am attempting to recalibrate. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. I am not allowing myself to do some of the things I did previously to "numb" my hard emotions. For me this means not scrolling, not over-eating, not checking in with people to make sure everyone is okay, not "doing" for people just to make myself feel better. No dopamine hits. Of course, I'm not perfect at this, but it's what I'm attempting to do. 

Some immediate improvements: 

• I've lost 60 pounds. 
• I have no more headaches. Like barely any. Ever. 
• I rarely yell. 
• I am much more open to my husband or kids correcting my behavior and pointing out, "Hey Mom, you are kind of starting to do the thing." I am way less defensive. 
• I don't think anyone is "trying to make me feel stupid" or "telling me what to do" or "judging me." Those were defensive measures that my body was remembering. They weren't true.  
• I am limiting scrolling.
• I am narrowing my circle. 
• I am trying to be okay with people deciding they don't like me or like what I have to say and accept that I am not everyone's cup of tea.  

However, doing these things takes a LOT of work. And that takes a LOT of energy. It also means I have to limit potential "triggers." I really hate the word "trigger" but I can't afford to sit and watch a movie that reminds me of all kinds of hard things in my life. It will take too much from me emotionally to do that.  

Here was my previous life strategy. Again, this was not a conscious decision, but it was what was happening. 

1. Be the nicest person I possibly could. 

2. Do lots of things for people so that if I did mess up, they would pay attention to the deposits I had previously made.  

3. Never tell people what I really thought unless it was "safe" to do so. Just keep giving. Let them keep taking. Don't confront. EVER!

4. Allow people to take advantage of me, not respect my boundaries, and treat me poorly (To be honest, very few people in my life did this. It was a very small handful of people, but I let that handful take up way too much of my priority.)

5. Check in with all my people regularly to make sure we were "okay."

6. If, by any chance, despite doing #1-5, someone got upset at me, I would apologize profusely. I would take full blame. I would self-depricate and blame myself (yes, this would include lying and manipulation) in order to assure that they forgave me. 

7. Beg for forgiveness. 

Please note that these behaviors I was "doing" were incredibly: selfish, manipulative, and dishonest. I am not proud of them, but I felt they were necessary to keep me alive and safe.   

Okay, so now, I'm not "allowed" to do this anymore. This means that if I have to be who I am. I have to speak truthfully (even if the person gets upset). I can, of course, choose to not engage with someone. And I am learning how to do that. But in general, , I have to not FAWN all over people.

I'll give you example. 

This past week, I had a very minor thing happen. Someone called me and asked a question. I had to tell them we were not participating in their activity. 

Afterwards, I was incredibly tempted to follow that up with an additional text where I praised them and said I was sorry and made all kinds of excuses for why we were not participating. Much of this would be "sort of truthful." But a lot of it was painting things to make sure "we were okay."

Instead, I sent NO texts.

This means I have to sit there in my discomfort and feel. I have to remember past events in my life and hard stories and uncomfortable feelings that mimicked this. (I don't try to, but my brain just brings them up.) I have to talk to my truth tellers and ask them to remind me I am doing the right thing. 

For people who are not people-pleasers (like my husband!) this seems ridiculous. Seriously? All of that work? Isn't that exhausting?!

YES
YES
YES!!!!

And because my body is in such a flux right now, it takes a lot out of me. 

Okay, if I am being honest, writing this post has taken a lot out of me. So, in sticking with me learning what I need, I am going to stop it now. I'll return when I have more space to share more. 

Oh and this process I am in? It won't last forever. But it lasts ... for now. I hope to have more and more and more pink until the point where it is the dominant color. However, I still have to accept that I am a human who WILL have bad days. I never accepted those before. I thought they meant I had done something wrong if I was struggling. 

And you may notice this post doesn't discuss GOD or my faith at all. That is a whole 'nother level. ALL OF THIS INCLUDES JESUS. But I'll save that to discuss at a later date.  

No. I am a human.

Whew. More learning. Always learning. 

Here is a good video to help understand this. 

Here is another. 

And one more. 

 

 

 

Thursday Truth

Life update

We are STILL getting clobbered by weather. Overnight there was rain, then a drop in temps, and then more snow. John made it into work today, but the boys college classes were closed until 11am. It just keeps coming. I'm really ready for January to be over. 

I'm really ready for this "process" that I've been in to be over too. Healing your nervous system is so incredibly, unbelievably, terribly slow. Two steps forward, one and a half steps backward. Over and over and over again. 

All of this began for me in January of 2024. I had a ten month window that I felt really good, but now I've been on this struggle bus since the summer of 2025. Eight months! How long Jesus? How long? 

The thing is, I am learning how to suffer with Jesus. I never knew how to do that. I always saw emotion: sadness, disappointment, grief, etc. as bad and so I pushed it away and didn't sit in. I'm learning to sit in it. But it is SOOOO uncomfortable. 

I am so limited in what I can do. I can't spend the time with friends that I would like to. I have to be so deliberate in what I do and in making sure that I am taking care of myself first. And then my family. 

I want SO badly to be through this. Oh if there was a magic pill, I would take it. It actually makes me understand why people: do drugs, drink, overeat, scroll, sleep too much, etc. All of those are coping mechanisms to not feel this YUCK. Feeling it is nearly unbearable, and if I could take a shortcut, I would be SOooooo tempted to do so. 

One day at a time Sweet Jesus, but I long to be on the other side of this. 

And on the other side of January too. 

Big snow

Biggest snow in 30 years!! And today it was -4!! Brutal cold. Been at home since Friday. Co-op cancelled for second week in a row. 

Raven in the snow

Here are few fun videos of Raven in the snow yesterday. We had eight inches!

Raven #1 

Raven #2 

Raven #3 

Snow storm!

We were supposed to have a snowstorm last weekend, and while we did get some ice, we got barely any snow. That is not the case one weekend later. We need to go out and measure, but I would guess we've had close to 8 inches of snow? Here's what it looked like this morning after snowing for about 12 hours:

 

And here is a video of our sheep. We rarely do hay, but the snow forced our hand on this one. 

My Abigail

This was my Abigail. I remember being so confused by how clingy she was, but I am so glad I got a hold of a good book (The Highly Sensitive Child) and John helped me to see how important it was to just let her be who she is! She is barely a remnant of that shy little girl! Oh how I miss her clinging to my leg. 

My best friend turns 50!

 

My husband is truly the greatest man I know. I am so incredibly blessed that he chose me. That he fought for me (when I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him!) and that he loves me without end. 

We have been in a hard place off-an-on during the last two years as I have been healing and retraining my brain. It has been harder than infertility, our home renovation, living overseas, four children ... you name it. Hardest thing we've ever done. 

But he's been a HUGE part of my healing. I have learned about coregulation (needing another person to help settle your system) with my husband and have been teaching my children the same thing! So much good is coming out of this journey. 

And today, my husband turns 5-0! FIFTY? How is that even possible?! 

I love you I love you I love you I love you John Mark. Happy birthday! 

Helping your child through hard times (with Kim Anderson)

I attended an online conference with my counselor, Kim Anderson. I wanted to share the notes here.  

When your child experiences rejection or is upset, they are pushed outside their WINDOW OF TOLERANCE.  It is the place where we are regulated. Where we can operate in the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT. When your kids are calm, they are in their WOT. We can receive feedback objectively, and we don't flip out. 

But, life happens. They freak out. This is HYPERAROUSAL. (Anxiety lives here.) Move with them. 

When they blog their window, they are in HYPOAROUSAL. (Depression lives here.) Sit with them. 

What do they need when their thinking brain is offline? We want to fix the problem. But that's not what they need FIRST. They first need us to coregulate and help them regulate their systems. If we are out of our WOT, then they are out of their's.  

They key is that we stay calm. 

1. REGULATING -- Imagine your child failed a test. Instead of solutions, say, "I can see you are really upset." Just be present with them. We don't have to solve it in that moment. Our presence and our calm is what helps them. Be present with them.

2. CONNECTING -- we all come into the world looking for someone looking for us. This is attunement. They need us to be present with them. If we jump into fix-it-mode, we are sending them a message that we don't think they can handle it. We are trying to send a message that we can handle their big emotions. 

Here are things we can say:

• "I can see tears. Something really hurt today, didn't it?"
• "Your eyes are so sad right now. Come here."
• "You  don't have to tell me. Just know I see you."
• "Something happened that feels big. I'm right here with you." 

Try a thirty-second-pause

Just be with them. Get on a physical level with them (sit on the floor if they are on the floor.) Match their energy NOT their panic. Be present without words. And sit in silence. And don't let your own WHAT IF'S start kicking in. Listen more than you talk. 

When they say, "This person was mean to me," don't say, "Yeah, she wasn't a good friend anyways." Instead try, "I can hear what you are saying. That would really hurt." 

3. STRENGTHENING -- build resilience without dismissing their pain. Once they're calm and connected, help them see their own capacity. Validate that it's hard AND remind them they've handled hard things before. This isn't about toughening them up or rescuing them -- it's about reflecting back their strength while honoring their struggle. Validate the hurt and help them reflect on their own capacity. This doesn't usually happen in the same conversation. It takes about 20 minutes to get back into regulation. We often try to fix things whenever everyone is dysregulated. We can't do that then because their thinking brain is offline, and they are not using logic. 

Strengthening is about: 

• reflecting on their past success.
• helping them identify what they CAN control.
• Normalizing struggle as a part of growth. 

Resilience is not the absence of pain. It's the capacity to move through pain and learn from it. And it's knowing we aren't in that pain alone. We're helping our kids build resilience. We build this by being present through the hard moments, not by preventing them or minimizing them. And by reflecting back their capacity once they're ready to see it. 

 

Listening

 

Will I ever be DONE?

The bravest, hardest version of healing —is the kind where you feel instead of flee.

More of Jesus

This was me

 

This was me. I had been with my husband for two dozen years and suddenly I had anger coming out of me -- toward my husband and toward my children. I had NEVER been an angry person. Where in the world was it coming from? I honestly was blaming him and probably would have continued to do so -- until the Lord knocked my legs out from under me. I was also living with daily and debilitating migraines that no doctor or medication had been able to touch. 

 

I had had friends try to point out some of the behaviors they were witnessing, but I could NOT see these behaviors as a problem. Do all the things and keep everyone happy and be super nice to everyone and never say 'no.' Why were those bad things? 

 

It is so hard to see your own dysfunction because the behaviors seem SO normal to you. When someone doesn't hear your well-meaning words, remind yourself that God is bigger. God got a hold of me despite me not listening to the people who tried to help, and I am healing in AMAZING ways! I couldn't hear it from my friends or even my husband but that didn't stop God!

 

Today I rarely feel anger toward the people I love. And the migraines I lived with for nearly all of my adulthood are COMPLETELY gone! (Like, seriously, I NEVER get headaches anymore. Kind of crazy.)

You MUST heal if you want to really live. I'm still healing, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I can't imagine ever returning to that Wendi we saw peeking her head out in 2022. Never again.

 

P.S. And part of my journey includes KNOWING that the Lord is calling me to share truth with people and that they won't like it. That is TERRIFYING for a people-pleaser so God and I are still working on that one. It'll take some time.

Trust (I’m trying!)

Exodus

We just finished the Exodus ballet. I need to upload some photos of the show. It was my favorite show in the tennish years we have been doing shows!

The Finale!

This was one of the greatest scenes!

Hannah as an Egyptian servant

 

Here he is with Walker (who also worked backstage this year)

 

Sidge did the backstage work again

Lotsa friends from ballet

And there is Johnna Beth too!

Abigail's good friends Ella and Reagan helped backstage.

With Tristan

With cousin Eoin

With Ms. Leslie (our piano teacher)

With Ms. Leslie (our piano teacher)