The Role of Grief and Sorrow in Healing from Trauma: Session #2

(I type this as I go so please excuse my mistakes.) 

I am attending Adam Young's monthly Saturday conference. This month the topic is "The Role of Grief and Sorrow in Healing From Trauma." The second session is with J.S. Park.

Session #2: Unraveling Myths About Grief

MYTH #1: Grief looks somber, solemn, single tear, controlled.

MYTH #1.5: You can only grieve certain kinds of loss (like death).  

MYTH #2: Grief is letting go, moving on, from negative to positive. 

J.S. Park is a chaplain, and he is sharing how he helps with grief. He says that whatever he says IS the grief. It may be screaming and crying or laugh or shut-down. It is ALL grief.  You will need to allow your body to go through whatever your body goes through.

And while this is happening, life keeps going. Someone may come in the room where grief is being dealt with and tell you that you have to move your car because you are double-parked. 

EMERGENT GRIEF: The moment the grief happens. Your body will do whatever it voluntarily wants to do in this grief. 

INTENTIONAL GRIEF / CONSCIOUS GRIEF: This is more intentional and purposeful grief with cultural elements. Woven with tradition practices.  

Many of us have COMPARATIVE SUFFERING "I haven't had it as bad so I shouldn't be grieving."

All change involves loss and all loss involves grief. 

A break-up can lead to pain as much as a death. Losing a job can cause very difficult pain as well. You can lose a dream, faith, or world-view. 

What are some non-death losses that you have experienced? We have permission to grieve these things.

Grief is NOT linear. Grief isn't about eventually letting go. "It's okay that you are not okay." 

Grief is not moving on. It is moving with. It is letting in. 

**** 

A passage from Toni Morrison's book Home.  

The protagonist Cee realizes she can no longer have children.

“Come on, girl. Don’t cry,” whispered Frank.

“Why not? I can be miserable if I want to. You don’t need to try and make it go away. It
shouldn’t go away. It’s just as sad as it ought to be and I’m not going to hide from what’s
true just because it hurts.” —Toni Morrison, Home (p. 178) 

***** 

The grief will always be with us but the color will change. 

Why are we so indoctrinated in the thought that we need to "Let go of grief." 

Our society does not give us bereavement time. There are often 3-4 days provided for grief. Grief is often considered negative and bad because it stops us from being productive. 

Grief is shrunken into a forced timeline because:

1) it was considered the one emotion that could lead the oppressed to revolt in anger at injustice, 

2) it was considered an inconvenience to the oppressor, and 

3) grief is a remembrance of what was lost, it is in itself a memory that we carry. 

We are going to carry those who have died. We can carry them in our memories, the way they loved us, all the difficult and hard things. We can make room for that inside of us.  

What are some of the phrases and ideas we have been taught about grief? Things that didn't help. Maybe in the midst of grief you can say to someone, "What was your dream? What dream died?"