To be HUMAN is to need other people. This was true when you were three. It was true when you were thirteen. And it is still true today. God made you to need other people. In Episode #150, Adam Young discusses why it is so vital to engage your story with other people.
"Connection with other human beings is a biological imperative." If you don't have sufficient connection with other human beings, you literally become a little less human everyday. You need emotional connection with other people.
"Skin is significantly overrated as a barrier." It is more accurate to say that you and I exist within each other rather than apart from each other. When two people are in physical proximity to each other, their respective nervous systems are deeply intertwined. "There is no me apart from us."
Relationships are crucial for life and especially in healing. We are not separate from each other. We have genetically embedded need for connection. And doesn't this feel like an unfortunate truth? (Especially if you lack close relationships.) But if you can align with it, it can guide you into healing.
You cannot engage your story alone. A journal, and A Bible and a good view out the window is not sufficient to heal your wounds. Adding God to the mix is also insufficient. (This sounds sacreligious, but holy cow is it true! This is by God's design. It's his fault! It is the natural bi-product of being created in the image of The Relationship. In the beginning was The Relationship ... the triune God. We need more than just God. He made our brains and nervous systems to need one another.
Let's talk Paul. "Where is this resurrected Christ you preach about?" people asked him. Paul would not have pointed to the heavens! He would have pointed at other Christians. For Paul, the resurrected Christ was visibly present in other believers ... in the body of Christ. He is alive on planet Earth. He is living in and through other human beings!
When your nervous system is sufficiently supported by another, settled, wise, nervous system (another human being offering witness and presence), than your nervous system will heal naturally. He made our physical body to heal naturally. AND he made our emotional and mental self to heal naturally well.
An integrated brain is a healed brain.
Your wounds will heal naturally when the environment is right. There are people who can help you explore your story. They will really listen to you.
Your life will only make sense after it has been witnessed by another.
My job as a friend may be to just bear witness to someone else's story. The opposite of trauma is not "No Trauma." Trauma's opposite is connection. Bad events only turn into embedded traumas when there is no witness to offer connection and care and presence. It doesn't matter how awful the experience is. If you have comfort and support, then the awful experience you just had will not become an embedded trauma that we carry in our body.
We are very resilient when we have access to sufficient care and support. If you faced abuse, you need people to engage your story with you so that you can heal. You cannot engage your story yourself. You have to experience it with other people
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHARE OUR STORY?
1. In order to heal, you need to experience LIMBIC RESIDENCE. Your brain needs to experience someone empathizing and attuning to your big emotions. You need to FEEL FELT. You cannot feel felt by yourself. In that moment, an interpersonal joining happens. And this creates the environment for the brain and body to heal. You must be understood and validated. The more deeply you feel a particular emotion, the greater the need to feel felt during that moment. It is very vulnerable to risk sharing big feelings in the presence of another. If you don't get the proper response, you will feel high levels of shame. It's the opposite of what you needs.
2. In order to heal, you need to feel your unfelt feelings from the past and you can't do that by yourself. Big feelings from the past are inherently disregulating. The interpersonal "connection" between a counselor and a client, allows the client to feel safe enough to feel her own feelings. And this can occur between safe friends as well. The brain heals as unfelt feelings are integrated! "Addressing trauma requires a focus on the resolution of unresolved emotions of painful, past experiences." We must focus on disregulated and/or unintegrated emotions. The client has warded off these emotions. But this is where counseling started for me! The emotions need to be fully experienced! You must feel your unfelt feelings in the presence of another person.
3. Healing requires the accurate co-construction of your narrative. This means your story needs to make sense. It needs to be coherent. The process of making your story coherent is vital and it requires another human being to help with this. All the characters in the story need to be named well. This includes you yourself! Each characters dignity and depravity must be clearly articulated. The temptation is to sugarcoat the story. But you can't fully access your unfelt feelings unless these characters are clearly stated. Trauma means that often, the story can't be told. It's too hard or uncomfortable to tell. You and your "person" that is helping you (a therapist or a friend) must be able to help you see your truth truthfully. When you finally arrive at a truthful telling, then your brain is final able to connect neural networks that were previously disconnected. In editing our narratives, we reorganize our brains!
BENEFITS OF SHARING YOUR STORY
So what are the benefits of engaging your story with another person?
1. The process of reflecting your story!
2. Sharing your story with another person!
3. Hearing that person's reaction to your story!
The process of sharing connects neural networks that were previously separated. And it does this by: (a) The left and right hemispheres becoming more connected. (b) The prefrontal cortex becoming more connected with the limbic portion of your brain.
Connection is what leads to healing!
Most of us modern people are waiting for the village to appear. We want to find the people we need and know that they ...
1. ... care deeply about me
2. ... are more mature than me and stronger than me
3. ... are eager to respond to me by providing comfort, care, and guidance. (They are "for" me).
4. ... are willing to make themselves available to me when I need them?
Can you imagine if you had 2-3 people in your life that fit that description? I did! I had that! And now I am able to be that for other people by starting this local group here with SEVEN OTHER AMAZING WOMEN!
I am incredibly excited to be a part of this group. This is going to be eight of us coming together to work on healing from things that have gone in our lives ... together!
For many of us, the village was not there for us when we were growing up. So we begin to isolate to figure things out on our own. It can be very difficult to feel a sense of true belonging. This is because true belonging knows that this is knowing in the depth of our building that the village is there for us.
I am so blessed to have a village now. But even if you do NOT have a village, you can get a village. This conference is something you can do too! I will be on every call with you. This can be your community. You are not alone. NO ONE IS ALONE!
Most modern cultures lack elders. An elder is someone who knows how to handle their power. Elders are warrior kings and queens that know (a) that they have power (b) that their power is intended to be used on behalf of the community and particularly on behalf of the wounded.
Most of us are waiting for the village to appear so that we can fully acknowledge our sorrows. We are ready to risk speaking candidly about our struggles and fears so that we can heal.
"Imagine the feeling of relief that would flood our whole being if we knew that when we were in the grip of sorrow, our village would respond to our need." The village will show up immediately and help you through the hard! What if you didn't have to figure out healing all by yourself?!
The village can be very hard to find. What matters the most is that you persist in the looking.
Find and develop a small community of like-minded warriors to help engage your story. Grit and persistence will take you further than you might imagine. It is important to avoid: (a) telling no one (b) telling everyone.
The person you choose to engage must have earned the right to share in your story with you.
It is very important to be judicious about who you give editorial permission over your life. Which voices do you respect enough to give their words weight? That list should be short.
In the course of my journey, I had a great group of support. My two aunts (Connie and Janet) were part of that. So was my cousin Cara. In addition, I obviously had my counselor/therapist Kim as well as a few other friends that I would reach out to occasionally like Stebbs, Meredith or Erin.
FINDING A GOOD "HELPER"
Sadly, most licensed therapists won't take you deeper into your story. This is because most therapists have not engaged their own story. Most therapists didn't go into this field for altruistic purposes. They want to look at other people's hearts and relationships. That allows escape of their own problems. Coaches or story consultants might actually be more helpful than an actual licensed therapist. Credentials tell you nothing about a particular counselor's skill level. Good job! You made it through graduate school. But we need more than that.
So how do you find someone to help you? Firstly, use WORD OF MOUTH. If your friend is growing and maturing, find out who your friend is working with and contact their therapist and interview them. Make sure you ask at least these four questions:
1. What have you done to engage your own story in the last three years?
2. Do you receive regular video consultation and from whom? (Who do you have accountability under?)
3. How will your understanding of trauma inform your work with me?
And ...
Remember you can always switch to someone different!
Share any of your thoughts on comments on this post! I hope Adam can minister to you all as much as he is ministering to me.
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