In this episode, Jason's father had started to do his own work which then allowed Jason to feel he could look into his own story. Guest speaker, Jason, moved across the country as a young, married parent, and when he did, he found himself in a deep depression. It was his parents and wife that sat down with him and said, "Something is going on. And you can't live this way."
No one sat me down, but my body fell into such a horrible pit that I had no choice but to reach up and say, "Someone please help me!"
This is what I want everyone to know:
If you are battling depression, there is a reason WHY. There is always a reason WHY. You don't just have depression for the heck of it. It is a signal that something needs to be looked at.
Have you ever sat with people who were willing to look into the face of their pain? Jason did that. His body was telling him there was something BIG inside of him, even though he had no idea that there was even a story to discuss.
He went into his first session saying, "Okay. I'm here. Let's get this thing fixed TODAY!" But at his meeting, his father was actually there. His father was a leader in this church group and had been doing his own work looking into his past stories. And as he started sharing with his father, and his father said, "I don't remember this, but I believe you," the walls began to come down.
Jason had gotten to a point that he knew if he didn't SPEAK, none of this would go away. Jason's story parallels my own a lot. The body saying, "You need to talk directly to the people in your life that love you about this," is the beginning.
Many people don't get that response from their parents. But Jason and his Dad began to let walls come down that were so intense for him. In Jason's case, as in mine, it was intense depression that forced his hand. I am not sure I would have ever had the courage to look into my pain if the depression had not forced its way out of me.
So what if you want to look into your story (and by "story" I mean your "past), but you know your parents can't and won't be able to look into this with you?
Jason told his group leader after his first 9 week session that he felt more screwed up then that he did when he started. I want everyone to know this! You will feel more screwed up when you start working on this! I wanted so badly to put the emotional sludge back into the box. But I couldn't. It was out! I didn't want to feel this way anymore.
His leader said, "It sounds like you came to this group with the ground so hard and now there is a crack there in the ground!"
Yes! That's what it feels like.
But even if your parent or friend or person who hurt you can't listen, the act of actually speaking it out and have someone bear witness to it, is so healing! You've probably done a ton of work to pretend you don't have this pain. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Once we are grown-ups, we have to start working on having a lot of compassion on the younger version of ourselves. We have to look at them kindly.
Let me give you an example from my own life so that this makes more sense. About five years ago, I started having arguments with my husband that were on a level I had never experienced before. He and I fought, but rarely, and not usually very intensely. But suddenly we are having these really BIG arguments.
As my boys became teenagers, the arguments seemed to show up in conversations with them as well. What was this in me?
I realized that the arguments always have to do with me feeling stupid. Always. That's why as my boys were becoming men and they were starting to question me as a mother and a person, the anger was coming out at THEM. They think I am dumb! They think I don't know what I am talking about! Why are they treating me like this?
For years this argument went on with John and then, as the boys got older, I started seeing it emerging with my boys as well. And I didn't understand it.
It wasn't until I got into therapy due to the terrible depression and anxiety, that I started seeing those arguments in a different light. I learned about intrinsic memories. Something was causing my body to respond this way? What was it?
Do you know I still am not sure what causes me to feel that way? I don't feel my parents ever looked at me as if I was stupid. I don't think my teachers did. And in fact, in college, I was the scholar athlete my senior year for my University. Why, deep inside, did I feel stupid? Where does this come from?
I actually don't know. But now, when that feeling comes up, I try to look at it with curiosity. Instead of not knowing where the feeling of complete rage I am feeling is coming from, I try to look at myself with compassion and curiosity. What is causing that? Why is it happening? What would I say to me if I was my best friend? How would I come alongside Wendi and encourage her? I also try to let my husband help me walk through this?
Here's the thing. When that feeling emerges in me, almost always in conversation with my husband and sons, my brain will then spiral into ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts). I never saw this before, but now I do. I can see them. I can feel them. The thoughts tell me all kind of horrible things about how horrible a person I am, what a failure I am, how messed up my kids will be because of me, and how much better my husband would be without me. Those thoughts have always been there, but now, because of my willingness to look into my own story, I can see what is happening and look at them with a different viewpoint! How powerful!
When these feelings occur, ask yourself, "How old do you feel right now?" And allow people in your life to speak TRUTH in you. "You are not dumb. You know things. You are strong." I can listen to my husband say, "Wendi, you don't have to prove to the boys or to me you aren't dumb." These people are incredibly important in our lives.
I encourage you to listen to this podcast if you find yourself having rage or frustration or anger come out of you for no reason at all, it is for a reason! Listen to it. Pay attention to it. Jason always say himself as an angry person. Angry. Tough. Strong. But people started speaking into his life saying, "You are also tender, Jason. This can be true also. Both can be true at the same time."
Our glory will leak out. And then other people see it. And there are some courageous people that will actually name it. And that blesses us and invites us into owning it more fully. We think it doesn't show. But we are image bearers. Thank God we leak it and thank God that people will call us out on it.
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