Friday Funnies

“It’s so weird to think of your parents flirting,” Abigail said. 

“Yeah,” Hannah agreed. “They are to married to be flirting.”

Ritter

I love my Hubby

Favorite Farm Fotos

H-A-R-D

This healing journey is: 

H

A

R

D

I want it to be over. I want it to be done. I am so tired of the stretching and the pain and the growth that is required of me. 

Why did I have to do this? Why did it have to be me? I wish sometimes I could go back into the naivety I lived in before all of this had to be dissected and pulled apart. 

Kim describes the grief inside me like a big ball of yarn. And I'm unraveling it. And sometimes, the unraveling is not that challenging. But sometimes I come to a point that I need to really work at unraveling again. I can’t figure out which was to go to detangle the yarn. So many knots!

I'm at that spot again. 

The last week has been hard for me. I'm so angry with myself. How hard is it for me to just trust that those who love me ... love me? How can I doubt so much? How can I get so afraid? Why can't I let the people in my life do and be what they need to be without it making me feel like the discomfort might cause me to DIE. 

In the end, I make their struggles all about me. They are pulling back because they need rest or time, and my nervous system says, "Wendi this is about you. They are hurting you. You caused this. You are part of this. This is your fault."

The anxiety (pain?) is sitting in my chest. 

The truth is, however, that I know it will dissipate. In the past, I feared that pain. Thought it might never go away and that I'd have to sit in it forever. This time I am able to see that this is a moment of grief. I am having to grieve things that have hurt me in the past and the miswiring of ny brain and accept that I had learned some improper ways of dealing with things. I have to figure out ways to handle things better in the future.

I remember when I was in college, I had a former friend write me a letter and basically chew me out. My people-pleasing had clobbered me again and she called me on it. She told me she was so tired of me operating with a fear of someone being mad at me. 

She was totally right.

Only I had no idea why I did that and how to stop it from happening again.

Basically what happens in me is that I feel the people "thing" and my body goes, "This feels awful. Alert. Alert!" My brain says, "You are in danger! This could hurt really bad! Fix it! Fix it!" And then I go into overdrive to try and fix it.

I realize that in these moments, I’d rather the friend just walk away and leave me completely then me have to sit in the discomfort and fear. 

The overdrive has slowed down considerably. I know what is happening now. I can feel it. So I try to stop it. I can outsmart it. The pain isn't as intense. I've healed a lot. But I still feel it and my "bossy amy" (aka amygdalia) is still trying to alert me to the danger I fear. 

I know I am healing and getting better but this week I'm mad that I have to deal with this. It's not my fault! I would have stopped this had I understood it or known it! I don't want to live this way. I fear people being upset with me or abandoning me the way others might fear a bear in the woods. I truly feel that the fear may kill me. And I’ll do anything to stop it. 

 

But, as I remind myself often, I won't let this monster eat my daughters (or sons.) And so I am throwing myself inbetween the yuckyness and them. I would die for them. So I am feeling this pain for them. 

It's just SO exhausting. And it hurts SO bad.

But this is the "U" that I have learned so much about. I’m reminded again that this whole journey is a big U. 

The pit, the hardness, is the death on Good Friday. But I know Sunday is coming! In the meantime, I am in the Saturday. I'm not there all the time now. There's lot of happiness in things now as I feel like I'm starting to make the climb to Sunday.

But sometimes I slip down. And I have to peel back another layer of the onion. 

This is another layer. 

And it's painful.

It's: 

H

A

R

D

!

I won’t keep it all inside me. I will share it. I will allow others to grow with me. There is joy in the morning!

Tuesday Truth

It's Official

First engagement at Bauernhof Kitsteiner. (I really hope it's the first of many in this slice of heaven here in Tennessee.) 

 

Here is what watching Gabe and Maryah over the last four years has taught me: 

 

1. While this world may feel hopeless and contentious (especially around election time), there are still lots of moments of beauty. Look for them! Treasure them! Celebrate them! 

 

2. We need community. My kids need more than just John Kitsteiner and me. They need other adults who can speak into their lives. I am so thankful these kids' parents have allowed me to be a part of their lives. 

 

3. Being an intentional parent MATTERS. It may seem like you aren't making headway, but you are! (Gabe Kotynski was just a "little bit" strong-willed growing up, but he loves the Lord and now he's running his own landscaping business and renovating the farmhouse on our property for his first home with his wife!) Stay strong Dads and Moms. Raising humans is the BIGGEST and most IMPORTANT job you will EVER do. (And if you aren't a parent, you can still pour in to the lives of young people!)

 

4. First loves CAN be forever loves! It doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does. Don't discourage kids by telling them to wait until they get older. The idea that we needed to "sow our wild oats" and then "settle down" doesn't make sense to me. Why can't we change the verbiage and encourage kids to "begin their adventure together" instead of making the adventure END when they get married?!

 

5. There are still kids in the world who are trying to live and love the way the Jesus asked us to. Not every kid is hopeless and headed for problems. Your children are not hopeless even if it feels that way sometimes. Brooks Gray and Nichole Gray and Edward J Kotynski and Hannah G Kotynski have many more children still to raise, but the beautiful and lovely Maryah Gray and Gabe Kotynski are starting things off well!

 

 

Memories

Five years ago. Time slow down. 

365 Days of Rest #68

Our library had a little event today. Honestly, I never pay attention to this stuff, but Erin does! So she took my girl. And Kotynski girl. I love this family. I’m going to be so sad next year when they aren’t here.

Sometimes REST means staying home and saying someone else can do something fun with your kids and you wish you could go to but you can’t and you say … that’s okay. 

I'm Just Seeing Appalachians Do What Appalachians Do

 

If you want to understand more about the flooding here and about Appalachian culture in general, please visit this link. John, and our friend Barry Bales, are featured in this piece, and I think it does a fantastic job really sharing a lot of things about this storm and the uniqueness of it.

Night of the Living Dead

Tuesday the 22nd = Dollywood

Some big things were going on around the farm Tuesday. We had our first farm engagement!! (Tune in to find out more!!) While that was going on, my friend Erin took the girls to Dollywood for the day. They had a blast!

365 Days of Rest #67

I continue to strive to find times of rest. I have gone too hard for too many weeks. And I need to be resting more. In Wednesday while the kids were in youth (and Isaac had theatre) I rested sitting at THE FACTORY ADVENTURE doing my Bible Study for BSF on Revelation. I’m shocked that a study in this “hard” book can reveal so much to me!

Being in God's Will

 

 

(So that's actually my dog, Ritter, who, honestly, doesn't seem to be stressed about anything ... ever. So in all fairness, I just put that picture up there because it's mighty cute.)

In fact, it is ...

time to peel back another part of the onion ...

... this time ... it's ...

being in God's will. 

Am I doing God's will? Am I living for Him? Am I doing what He asked me to do? Have I stepped out on my own instead? Am I not listening? Do I hear him? Did I hear him? And what about my children? Am I leading them correctly? Am I a good Mom? What if I am doing it all wrong? What if I fail them? 

It's amazing that I can keep struggling with new things. It's amazing that you can go through life and continue to look at things you always lived and always did and see them in totally different ways now. 

Man, the growth NEVER ENDS. 

And, these challenging thoughts come to me each time the fatigue hits me. Once I get tired and behind on rest, it's like I don't have the stamina to fight off the ANTs. (That stands for automatic negative thoughts) that just come at me left and right.

The struggle has gotten better, but it's still SO REAL and SO HARD. Sometimes I wish I could go back into my oblivious bubble instead of looking so much of this straight in the face.

Being a parent is hard. Really hard. Parenting with another person is hard. John and I don't see things exactly the same. I'm trying. I feel like a failure. This is hard. Life is hard. 

I realize that I am desperate to try and make sure that I am doing what God wants me to do. I look for signs that I'm doing it right. I'm so fearful of not being in his will.

Why?

I can only guess, or, with Kim's guidance I came to realize, that I do not trust myself. I can't possibly know so my comfort is to make sure that God knows. If it is His will than I do not have trust myself. 

Gosh, undoing years of backwards thinking is SO HARD TO UNDO. 

I've learned so much in the last year as I have battled this anxiety/depression beast that was actually a beast of poor thinking that had trapped me into living my life in a prison I did not even know I was in.

Great Quote on Shame

“Shame eats secrets for breakfast” is a quote attributed to Brené Brown, who is known for her TED Talk on shame. Brown has also said, “If you put shame in a petri dish and cover it with judgment, silence, and secrecy, you've created the perfect environment for shame to grow.

If you put shame in a petri dish and cover it with judgment, silence, and secrecy, you’ve created the perfect environment for shame to grow until it makes its way into every corner and crevice of your life. If, on the other hand, you put shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, shame loses its power and begins to wither. Empathy creates a hostile environment for shame—an environment it can’t survive in, because shame needs you to believe you’re alone and it’s just you."

 

I love this quote above. So much shame because we won't share. We won't be vulnerable. We won't be real. What if we weren't afraid of honestly?

Some videos of John's Flood Trip

 On the way to Pensacola, NC

John and "Boone's Brigade" were going into an area that had just had a road open up. You can see them traversing the watery road in this video, above. The videos that follow are all of their drive to this location and back from it.

Flood 2024 

Flood 2024 (Another look) 

This used to be a road 

Another Road Video 

The Water Went Right through this house 

 Church and Bus

More Onion Layers

Time for a new layer. 

Time to peel back another part of the onion that is ...

me. 

It's interesting how you can live your whole life and not have the capacity (or the energy?) to see something. That now you can see so clearly.

I haven't realized that my entire life, I have feared not being in God's will. I think I failed to see this was something that bothered me because, truthfully, the people-pleasing-problems (I call it my PPP :) was so intense, I didn't have the bandwidth to look at anything else. 

But now that the PPP has lessened, I get the opportunity to look at other things.

(Isn't that so great!? More introspection! Will it ever stop?)

Today I spoke with Kim, and I was able to pull back another layer. This time, the layers pulling back doesn't hurt me as much as it did in the past. I am not in the throngs of anxiety and depression. But they are still ... uncomfortable.

Today I pulled back the fact that I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF.

Not sure where or when or how that thought came in, but I have had to correct the message that says: 

I'm only okay if everyone else is okay

and now I am learning to also correct the message that says 

I'm not wise enough to make my own decisions. I must be able to see that I am in God's will. I must see proof of his intention and me following the right path.

Not true. Of course.

I am wise. I pray. I listen. I strive. I am willing to allow a door to be shut. i have my good friends. My husband. I am able to listen to the Lord without needing proof that I am listening. 

But, I don't know that I do truly know that. 

And so the onion reveals another layer.

Opening this Clinic in Asheville with JB and watching all the pieces come together has been awe-inspiring. But every step of the way I've thought, "What are we doing?" or "Why are we doing this?" or "What if we aren't supposed to be doing this?" The questions are endless. And they only stem from the fact that I don't completely trust myself.

Not that this decision was my decision of course. This decision was made by many people along the way. I was only a small piece in the complexity of the puzzle and the machine. 

I have had so many opportunities to see Christ's intentionality in my life. But that doesn't mean that I will always get to see it. Maybe I won't see it until heaven. Maybe, on Earth, I will never understand how He works or why He did what He did.

Recently, one of these small "gifts" was to see a very dear person in our life go back to church for the first time in over a decade. This is something I have prayed for diligently. It is also someone that the Lord had commanded John and I to keep in our lives. We felt continually called to love this person. To not try to engage in some of our differences. To simply open our arms and our hearts. 

I truly did NOT believe this person would ever leave what they were following to return to their first love. But, now, I think, perhaps they will. Perhaps they will have the opportunity to see Jesus in the way I know Him. 

But what if I didn't get the opportunity to see that in my lifetime. What if that person moved away and disappeared and I never saw her again, and I had no idea what happened to her? Would I still believe that I listened to the Lord as He asked me to love this person unconditionally? Or, is it only because I might actually get to see it that I believe it. 

These are 

hard

deep

big

challenging

questions. Questions that I may never get the complete answer to.

For now, I am excited that I get to experience these questions without intense pain and anxiety and depression.

This video below, I think, sort of explains HOW a Christian can learn to not trust themselves. Please note: I LOVE ME SOME JESUS! I have not turned from Jesus at all. I am also not specifically blaming someone in my life that forced this theology on me. Instead, I think it is simply a narrative that Christians "adopt" and kind of repeat without really thinking about the implications. I am trying to teach my children differently. I'm trying to tell them: JESUS WILL LEAD YOU. YOU CAN TRUST HIM. But I'm also trying to show them that Jesus often leads by allowing our body to understand what He is saying. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. We are MADE in his image. Therefore, our body CAN BE TRUSTED. I think many Christians do not trust their thoughts or bodies because we believe we are sinners at the core. We are! But we also have Christ living inside these broken bodies!

365 Days of Rest #66

Sometimes REST means saying "YES!"

A few days ago, my Mom asked if she could come and help me. Things have been crazy ever since the flood. Heck, even before the flood, things are crazy when you run a farm and you homeschool four kids and your husband works random day or night swing shifts. 

But it had been especially crazy. And I've been very cognizant of taking care of myself and my mental health. So when my mom asked if she could come and help, I simply said YES. 

And today that meant, someone cleaned out my pantry for me. She helped dig me out of mounds of laundry and backups on dishes. It just meant I let her ... help.

Serving is my Mom's love language. Taking care of all the "things" is something she does well. So I just let her.

What can you let someone do this week ... today ... that can help YOU take care of yourself and get rest?

365 Days of rest #65

Talk about a HUGE boulder being lifted off of everyone across this community! The boil water advisory 

HAS

BEEN

LIFTED.

Of course our home was immune from this already as we happen to be one of very few in our county that are actually on a different waterline. (We actually border another county and are grouped with them.)

I can't imagine how GOOD this feels to all the Mamas trying to keep up on water for their family and reminding their kids to use bottled water to brush their teeth.

Tomorrow, I'm returning to Asheville with the group. My cousin Josh is coming in with a truck. And my mother is actually coming in town for a week just to help me around the house as we carry this extra load!

Thanking the Lord for his sweet gifts which are new each morning!