Isaac's Yoder Job

Hard to believe I have a child now old enough to have a real, bonafide job. But I do. I find it quite interesting/emotional to think that good ol' Yoder's is his first employer. 

Yoder's holds a very special place in my heart. Living "out in the boonies" can be a challenge, but Yoder's being around 7 minutes from our house has always been a highlight of our location. It's a great place to grab a good sandwich or last minute supplies like milk or eggs. When we first moved here, my little boys were only six-years-old. SIX! And now, ten years have gone by and he is working there. 

So proud of him!

 

12 Signs of an Emotionally Safe Mom

I recently stumbled upon this list of attributes of an "Emotionally Safe" mom. In the past, I think this list would have overwhelmed me. How could I ever be all these things? I can never accomplish all of that! It's too much, and all I will do is end up in a shame fest.

However, I am no longer living in a shame fest. I am now living in freedom I never dreamed imaginable. Now, when I mess up, I am able to forgive myself. I am able to release myself fromt he shame narrative that I lived under for so long.

I used to believe that anytime I felt something, it was the other person who was causing that. An example? We are having a bonfire at our house tomorrow evening. I have realized that I forgot some things for it. John asked me about the things I had forgotten. I immediately felt shame. My internal narrative started it's usual chorus with 

you are a failure; 

your husband can't depend on you; 

you don't do the things normal women do well;

 you forget things; 

he has to carry your load 

... during the last five years, that shame narrative had often turned from just the negative self-talk to actually lashing out at the people I loved the most -- primarily my husband and children. I had to find a source for the dysregulation I found inside. And the only thing most people can blame is others! It was John's fault that I felt shame! He was to blame! He made me feel that way.

But AWARENESS IS EVERYTHING! New Wendi could see what was happening, and she stopped the same cycle and changed the wording. The new wording went like: 

Man, I wish I would have thought of those things. 

It's okay. 

It isn't John's fault. 

Everything is okay. 

He loves you. 

He's proud you are his wife. 

You aren't a failure. 

And instead of lashing out at John, I was able to sit in the discomfort for a bit, and wait for it to pass. 

That change of perspective is changing EVERYTHING! About five years ago, the decades of that kind of self-talk had begun to rest so heavy on me that I could no longer sustain their weight. They were coming out of me in anxiety and depression. They were bubbling up through migraines. And when that wasn't enough to get it out at me, I began exploding on the people I loved the most. 

I did do damage to my children. But I have also learned how to REPAIR. Just saying you are sorry goes SO FAR. Did you know parents only have to "get it right" 33% of the time to develop a secure attachment with their child? (Attachment is crucial for how your child will function as an adult!) And, if I feel I have messed up? Repair at ANY point (even when your child is an adult!) goes a super long way in helping them free themselves from their attachment disorders. 

I say all that to share this list below. These are the types of things I am striving for in my relationship with these four amazing humans the Lord has blessed me with. I trust Him. And if I don't reach my daily/weekly/monthly hopes with my children, my self-talk is not going to turn against myself that's for sure!

• Unearned Love: She showers her kids with hugs, says "I love you", affirms their worth daily, reflecting God's unconditional love (1 John 4:19).
• Active Listener: She pauses to truly hear kids' hearts -- joys, fears, all of it -- without judgment. She validates their whole being including negative feelings (James 1:19).
• Humble Heart: She admits her slip-ups, apologizes for losing temper, and shows them grace starts with her (James 4:10).
• Loving Discipline: She sets boundaries with love -- likes "chores before screens" -- to guide and not break (Proverbs 13:24).
• Steady Home: She crafts a solid foundation with routines and fair rules, trusting God to build it (Psalm 127:1).
• Cheerleader: She champions their unique gifts -- arts, dreams, and quirks -- knowing her kids are wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). 
• Faith Teacher: She shares Bible stories, like God's grace in the Prodigal Son, planting faith seeds (Deut. 6:7).
• Living Example: She models patience in chaos, kindness to others, letting Jesus shine through her. Am I kind to other people? (Matt. 5:16).
• Prayer Warrior: She lifts them up in prayer -- morning, night, every worry -- covering them in God's peace (1 Thes. 5:17).
• God-Guided: She seeks' God's wisdom through prayer and godly advice. She feeds herself with healthy spiritual food, not social media fast food (Prov. 3:5-6). 
• Joy-Bringer: She brings light and hope with laughter or gratitude, even on hard days, rooted in his joy (Phil. 4:4). 
• Faith Grower: She nurtures their walk with Jesus through church, prayer, and heart talks (Josh. 24:15).
•  

The Rainforest Vacation: Chapter 8

The adventures in misattunement

I am currently reading Adam Young's new book: Make Sense of Your Story. I am on Chapter 5 and so far, it is mostly a "summary" of all the things I have been learning since my 2024 breakdown and subsequent recovery through therapy and learning along with Jesus, the conference, and my own personal healing work. But in Chapter 4, he reiterated something that I wanted to make sure I always remember as I learn to parent my children (better!)

As I have been learning about crucial the parent/child relationship is, I've been learning how to be the parent my children need. I truly believe I did this for my children during their first decade, but it was when they turned 13 that I started finding myself "off" a step here and there as I worked to "know" them. My own dysregulation was making me blame THEM when I felt angry instead of recognizing that I am the parent, and it is my job to stay regulated and handle their BIG emotions. 

I can feel a lot of regret when it comes to mistakes I have made with the kids.

But here is what is is awesome to know:

Parents of securely attached children (my goal for my children!) demonstrate attunement and responsiveness on the first time about 33% of the time. In other words, they get it wrong 66% of the time! "Parenting should be called the adventures in misattunement. However, the reason these children are securely attached is that these parents noticed that they "missed it" and offer repair most of the time. 

Children are in need of "The Big Six" from their parents. You can read more details about this list at the link, but here is a quick reminder of what these are:

• Children need attunement from their parents. This means the parent can tell when the child is "off".
• Children need responsiveness from their parents. This means that not only does the parent see something is wrong, but they go to the child and try to help.
• Children need their parents to offer engagement. Does your parent/s delight in your and genuinely want to get to know you?
• Children need a parent to offer the Ability to Regulate Arousal for their children. A child cannot do this themselves. They need their parent to do this.
• Children need a parent to be Strong Enough to Handle Your Negative Emotions.
• And probably the most important of all is: A child needs Willingness to Repair.

Here's where most parents screw up: If you are a parent and you do not apologize to your child, the child has no choice but to assume that they are the problem. This is because a child's word 

MUST

MAKE

SENSE.

If the parent yells and screams at them, hits them, gives them the silent treatment ... and 

does

not

repair ...

then the child is left with a horrendous decision to make. Either they blame the parent which makes them not feel safe in their own environment or they blame themselves. 

Children most often choose to blame themselves. 

I am striving every day to own mistakes I make with my children. I am striving to apologize. To let them know that ANY time I yell, it is MY fault. They are never allowed to make me yell or hit or do anything else. 

I am feeling such incredible freedom to learn these things. A child is never supposed to be "able" to dysregulate me. I am the adult. I should be stable and regulated. And I am working so hard to be JUST THAT!

Think "all this" isn't "fixing" your people-pleasing? Try again!

I've been working so hard. Working to change old patterns and learned behaviors so that I become the best version of Wendi! Almost all of these surround people-pleasing/fretting and how the dysregulation in my body causes me to explode on the people I love most -- my husband and children. 

I cannot explain how debilitating the need to please people was in my life. It was so bad, I had to take medication to prevent myself from hyperventilating in a corner when I thought someone may not like me.

I am not in therapy much at all anymore. Most of my learning is taking place on my own. I have worked so, so hard. And I will keep working. I read something online that really resonated with me, and I want to share it here with you.

Sometimes I mess up, and I find myself slipping back into my old ways. When I think that, I have to remember PROOF that I know that I am healing. Here are some true things happening to me that prove I am healing.

1. I pause before reacting. Instead of immediately going into fight, flight or people-pleasing mode, I take a breath. That second of awareness is progress.

2. I'm uncomfortable in my old patterns. The things I used to do on auto-pilot (over-explaining, ignoring my needs, tolerating toxic behavior) now feel wrong. That discomfort is growth!

3. I recognize my triggers in real time. I still feel anxious or overwhelmed sometimes, but now I can name what's happening. "Oh, this is my nervous system going into overdrive." That's awareness! That's progress!

4. I set boundaries -- even when it is hard. I don't just say "yes" out of guilt anymore. And even though setting limits still feels uncomfortable, I don't abandon myself to keep the peace.

5. I let myself rest without feeling guilty. I no longer define my worth by productivity. Resting without spiraling into self-judgment? That's healing!

6. I'm kinder to myself. Maybe I still struggle with negative thoughts, but I can catch them now. I'm starting to question the voice that tells me "I'm not good enough." That shift in self-talk is major progress!

Healing isn't about never struggling again. It's about noticing, choosing differently, and slowly becoming the version of yourself who no longer settles for survival mode. 

Sweetness

This adorable little boy lamb was born the the other day to one of our black mamas. He is such a cutie pie!! Our first-time Mamas usually lamb later than the veterans so they are getting a run of it right now. I just love little lambs. I wish I could look as young as he does. 

Shalom

 

Spring is coming. 

Spring is coming in the seasons. And Spring is also coming in my heart. 

After a year of pain beyond my wildest imagination, after a year where I lay on the floor of my bedroom day after day with gaping wounds that left me barely able to function ...

my heart 

has healed. 

Or, should I say it is healing. I suppose it will always be healing. But at least now, the wounds have healed to a degree that the pain is not cutting me with every breath. 

And with that healing comes peace beyond my wildest imagination. 

Shalom. 

I am now beginning, for the first time in my life, to experience ... peace.

Shalom.

In the Bible, Shalom extends beyond the definition of the word ... peace. 

It is beyond the absence of conflict and encompasses wholeness, well-being, and completeness. 

And while peace has surrounded the internal part of my being. This farm I live on is part of my Shalom.

I packed a bag with my journal and a bottle of water and a few other incidentals and hiked to one of my favorite places on the farm. 

Who am I kidding? I have so many favorite spots on our farm. But this one is by a fence line, neighboring Billy's farm under some trees with breeze and shade and a view of every single place in the pasture.

Our farm is my favorite. 

The joy it evokes in me is a combination of peace and faith and love and future and past all combined into the beauty that is my life. 

I picture that life 25 years ago ... me walking down the aisle to marry my high school sweetheart, and I wish I could tell my younger self how much of a dream come true she was about to begin.

(I wish I could go back to many versions of my younger selves and tell her a lot of things.)

We were city people. 

Suburban at the very least. 

Not rural.

And definitely not country. 

And yet, here I am now.

Our decision to purchase this 96-acres was a negotiation and a dance and a bit of mental chess between my renaissance man of a best friend and his absolutely clueless wife.

He wanted rural. 

I didn't. 

(Or, of course, I thought, I didn't.)

I would be lonely. And the dark would be scary. And I wouldn't have neighbors. And I didn't know anything about animals or farm land or woods. 

Woods?! 

Weren't there bears in the woods? And maybe wolves (or something like that?)

But somehow, in the course of two decades together, he managed to move me deeper ... to wiggle me further and further into something I never dreamed of ... dreaming of. 

And now I dream in reality. 

The peace on this farm winds itself down into the recesses of my heart. It moves into the tiniest crevices of my soul and leaves me smiling from the inside out. 

Today I met a new baby lamb, and then, while I sat by the fence writing in my journal, another one was born, a black little beauty with white across his head. 

The mother cleans him. Or her. Too soon to know. But can you get any more peaceful that a newborn baby lamb on a perfectly temperatured Spring day?

My second boy breathes nature just like his Dad, and as I pass him on the way to one of my favorite spots, I find him taking a part an old chicken tractor. His red neck is glistening with sweat. He arms are just tanning up with April looming around the corner.

My trusty sidekick, Arabelle, goes to give him some love, and I think, What would Elijah do without this farm? Who would he be without the space that is his home?

Without the space that is my home.

What would we all do with this land and the grass and the woods and the dogs and the animals and the nature that brings rest to my life. 

I turn and see Abigail, camera strapped to her chest, meandering near the chickens. The egg basket is nearby. She's scooping out feed for the laying chickens and simultaneously stopping to take photos of the most random things. 

Abigail takes photos of everything and sometimes I can't even see what she's taking a picture of ...

 ... and then I see the photo later and I can actually see the pollen on the bee, and I think, what would her life be like without these pastures and the woods and the space and the quiet and the peace that is our life here on the Bauernhof?

I want to thank my husband. I want to thank the God that made him with a love of all things nature in his heart. I want to thank my Savior for knowing what I would need before I even could contemplate needing them. 

I want to thank him for Shalom.

We long for Shalom. Peace, harmony, and delight between ...

me and myself.

me and other people.

me and the Creator.

But also?

me and the Earth. 

And I say that knowing that years ago I would have thought I was some sort of tree-hugging yoga person. And now I know that it isn't that at all.

To have fullness of life, we need integration 

We need shalom. 

We were created for this, and while many of us strive for this, I believe we are missing one of the key areas that we were meant to be integrated upon. 

The Earth.

Nature. 

Peace. 

Shalom. 

We strive in our journeys toward mental health for the connection with ourselves, our God, and our fellow man. 

But we also need is what I am getting sitting under the tree, chatting with my nephew and his fiancee. She lays on a blanket petting my dog. Gabe tells me about his thoughts regarding mustaches and chewing tobacco and honeymoon locations. 

The breeze is blowing. There is sheep poop on his future wife's shirt from the little lamb she just had to hold in the field. And it feels like we have all the time in the world. We talk of church. We talk of relationships. We talk of our own personal health. 

But we also feel what we need to feel. We feel the Earth. We feel the grass. We feel the sunshine. We feel the breeze. 

We feel Shalom.