I attended an online conference with my counselor, Kim Anderson. I wanted to share the notes here.
When your child experiences rejection or is upset, they are pushed outside their WINDOW OF TOLERANCE. It is the place where we are regulated. Where we can operate in the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT. When your kids are calm, they are in their WOT. We can receive feedback objectively, and we don't flip out.
But, life happens. They freak out. This is HYPERAROUSAL. (Anxiety lives here.) Move with them.
When they blog their window, they are in HYPOAROUSAL. (Depression lives here.) Sit with them.
What do they need when their thinking brain is offline? We want to fix the problem. But that's not what they need FIRST. They first need us to coregulate and help them regulate their systems. If we are out of our WOT, then they are out of their's.
They key is that we stay calm.
1. REGULATING -- Imagine your child failed a test. Instead of solutions, say, "I can see you are really upset." Just be present with them. We don't have to solve it in that moment. Our presence and our calm is what helps them. Be present with them.
2. CONNECTING -- we all come into the world looking for someone looking for us. This is attunement. They need us to be present with them. If we jump into fix-it-mode, we are sending them a message that we don't think they can handle it. We are trying to send a message that we can handle their big emotions.
Here are things we can say:
- "I can see tears. Something really hurt today, didn't it?"
- "Your eyes are so sad right now. Come here."
- "You don't have to tell me. Just know I see you."
- "Something happened that feels big. I'm right here with you."
Try a thirty-second-pause
Just be with them. Get on a physical level with them (sit on the floor if they are on the floor.) Match their energy NOT their panic. Be present without words. And sit in silence. And don't let your own WHAT IF'S start kicking in. Listen more than you talk.
When they say, "This person was mean to me," don't say, "Yeah, she wasn't a good friend anyways." Instead try, "I can hear what you are saying. That would really hurt."
3. STRENGTHENING -- build resilience without dismissing their pain. Once they're calm and connected, help them see their own capacity. Validate that it's hard AND remind them they've handled hard things before. This isn't about toughening them up or rescuing them -- it's about reflecting back their strength while honoring their struggle. Validate the hurt and help them reflect on their own capacity. This doesn't usually happen in the same conversation. It takes about 20 minutes to get back into regulation. We often try to fix things whenever everyone is dysregulated. We can't do that then because their thinking brain is offline, and they are not using logic.
Strengthening is about:
- reflecting on their past success.
- helping them identify what they CAN control.
- Normalizing struggle as a part of growth.
Resilience is not the absence of pain. It's the capacity to move through pain and learn from it. And it's knowing we aren't in that pain alone. We're helping our kids build resilience. We build this by being present through the hard moments, not by preventing them or minimizing them. And by reflecting back their capacity once they're ready to see it.
