Loss & Grief

My friend Joia lost her brother at the end of last week. A survivor of childhood cancer, it came back in a brain tumor and took his life in a matter of months. I was blessed to follow his journey to his eternal home on The Caring Bridge website. We were able to help provide one of his son's with a birthday wish (some good birding equipment) that brought us immense joy. 

But in the end, the grief is untouchable. You can't fix the grief. Maybe you can offer little hugs that help. Maybe. But the grief. It's just SO big. And I hate it. 

I hate that my friend Lisa's husband is dying a long battle with colon cancer. They gave him months but he's now into his fourth year. But he's not doing well. And while I know Lisa has had a long time to prepare, it's just sad.

This life is HARD. 

I have another set of friends where the father has chosen to walk away from his family. He doesn't see it that way. But it is that way. How? Why? What can I do to stop it that I haven't already tried?

I feel like I am failing in so many things, and yet, when you see these tragedies you think: Do the best you can. Make the most of each day!

And yet, you still get angry and frustrated and overwhelmed with your employer and children and spouse. How does that happen? How can you not see the temporal nature of this world and use the little time you have to .... waste it?

My feeling are SO big right now. I love Joia. She has been an incredibly dear friend to me for over 15 years. She has lost her dad and now her brother. Why does he have to battle cancer twice? Why does he have to leave his wife and children without the man in their life? Jesus, why? Why not me? Why them? Why, does it appear, that despite some hard things in my life, I've been spared of the tragedy of severe loss? And, if given a choice, wouldn't I pick up my same struggle over the struggle that Joia is now in?

And yet, I've watched over and over again to see the Lord's plans. He has such a plan. He sees the ENTIRE PICTURE. How many times I have not trusted him. And He has come through. And yet I don't trust him again?

Sigh .... so many BIG feelings. So many hard moments. So much grief. And yet, so much Jesus.