Regulation

My journey of healing is GOOD. It is NECESSARY. It is PROFOUND. The adjectives I can use to describe it are immense. I could go on and on discussing all the amazing feelings and emotions and growth I have been a part of due to this breakdown and subsequent re-build. 

As a result of the breakdown I suffered, I was forced to look very deep inside of myself at 46 years of things that I had refused to look at. The truth is, I think every single person in the world has things shoved down. Why did mine force its way out? Would I have chosen to look at these things if they hadn't forced themselves out? Why have other people I know chosen while I felt forced? 

I don't know. 

Mostly I believe that without being forced, I would have continued to put a bandaid on the anxiety and depression and intense fear of upsetting people that dominated my existence. I would have hobbled my way through the rest of the life, and unfortunately, my dysfunction would have oozed out all over my children sending them into adulthood to have to try to do the healing that I wouldn't do.

And so, on behalf of my children, I grind. I push on. I cry. A LOT! I have cried more in this last year than I had cried in all of my life combined I think. I spend time talking to my truth-tellers and processing the hurt inside of me. It is so painful. It is so frustrating. It is hard not to feel I have taken many steps backwards.  

This video at the top of this post resonates so deeply with me. This is truly what healing feels like. So much forward movement and yet, still, many days, you nearly feel like you are all the way at the beginning of it again. 

There is no blame in this journey. I was a product of a generation, an era, a people-group, a time in history. We all are. And I failed to learn some things that were terribly necessary. It is my job to NAME the PAIN and look it in the face and begin to heal. No one else can do it for me. I must do it myself. 

I learned so many things incorrectly. And it wasn't just learning that was the problem. It was wiring that was the problem. My brain, truly, was miswired. And if you can imagine miswiring a house and having to rewire, the brain is even more complicated. 

Thirty years ago, most people didn't even realize you could rewire the brain. If someone had a stroke, we'd send them home to live the rest of their life in their disabled state. However, with time and research, it has become very obvious that the brain is able to heal itself. The hippocampus is actually smaller in the brains of people who have suffered trauma. (And honestly, every single person in the world has suffered a trauma of some form or fashion.) But you can actually regrow the hippocampus!

I also have to continually remind myself that this journey requires grief. It requires grieving. And grief takes time. I created a fake narrative for myself to survive my life. And that narrative was: "If I can be the nicest person in the room, no one will ever get mad at me. I will never upset anyone."

Only, of course, that isn't true. People may choose to not like you for a myriad of reasons and you can't possibly prevent that. They may actually dislike you because you are too nice. Or they may get upset about something that actually isn't true. In addition, when you have children, they may choose to do things that cause your relationships to be affected. 

What I had constructed was a house of cards. It was not rooted in truth, and that house had fallen apart. I needed to relearn how to approach people, boundaries, parenting, and life in general. I am working diligently to do that. 

The study of this has become something I am passionate about as I am sure you can see from my Blog. I am so honored to be standing alongside TWENTY OTHER WOMEN who are making this journey as well. I have my STORY WARRIORS 1.0 group. And now there is a STORY WARRIORS 2.0 group. The first group was started with local women, and we are working our way through Adam Young's 12x12 workshop. This second group is not local. We are all over the world (literally!) and are working our way through his podcast and a retelling of the 12x12's.

What do these healing groups ... do ... exactly? Well, honestly, they start PAYING ATTENTION to our bodies. That's honestly the first part. We go back to the beginning of begin digging out the crap in our lives and looking at it. 

Do we want to do this? No way. But we recognize that without doing this, we will never live our lives in freedom. And we want to live in freedom. Not just for ourselves but for our CHILDREN. Truly, our children are the main reason people do this. We want to relearn the things we learned incorrectly and teach them to our children correctly. 

A huge thing I have learned about is DYSREGULATION. Dysregulation is that "thing" you kind of feel inside when you are upset. When you feel pushed to the edge. When you feel like you are going to scream at a child. When you are pretty sure that's road rage in your gut. That is dysregulation. We've all felt it. Did you ever know you were dysregulated? I didn't. I thought that if I fixed whatever I was mad at, I would feel better. That is not true. What I was mad at was not the reason for the dysregulation. My poor coping skills are the reason for that.

Most people don't even understand what that feeling is. But it's there. And it needs your attention. 

I had no idea that children learn how to regulate themselves from their parents. Their parents teach them how to do this. I didn't know that I was supposed to help my children learn this? I thought, if they are crying or angry or frustrated, I need to just get them to stop. But that isn't it at all. What I am actually trying to do is trying to help teach them how to calm themselves. 

I am the regulator for my children until they can learn to do this on their own. And even after they grow, they will need other people in their lives to come alongside then and help them regulate themselves. This is just so fascinating to me. 

It has given me such compassion and grace for my children. What I used to see as being a "softy", I know see as being a "regulator." When my Pomegranate is crying for what appears to be no reason at all, it is my job to help her find regulation! This may be done through hugs or compassion or words or time. This may be done through distraction or exercise. 

I truly think one of the reasons that this didn't "break lose" in me until I was an adult was that I had my athletics to do the regulating for me when I was younger. Exercise is a fantastic way to regulate yourself. Other helpful things include rest, breathing techniques, a conversation with a truth-teller, a hot bath, a good book, music, prayer, meditation, yoga ... you name it and it might be a regulating tool for someone. 

I continue to LEARN. I will be learning for my entire life and it is my hope that I can help other people learn as I do!

If you are interested in learning more, I encourage you to visit adamyoungcounseling.com. Start at the beginning and start working your way through! You will be amazed at what you start to discover about yourself, your family of origin, God, your children, your spouse, and the human race in general!

It really is fascinating. Exhausting, but fascinating!